Be A Pheonix And Rise

[freezy77]

Is There More?

I have fought wars that I was born into. I have been broken beyond repair. I have watched myself burn to ashes over and over. I have been scarred and bruised and thought it love. I have given until I was empty and held on to bridges as they burned. I have thought myself nothing. I have thought myself darkness. 

What am I to be now? I see clearly the pain and sacrifice and blood and scars of the life I’ve survived. But what of tomorrow? You see, chaos and demons are home and safe. I know the games they play and the weapons they use. There is stability in predictability. And so Ive stayed in this place of ruin and madness and darkness. Because it’s much easier to know and except the pain that comes. And yet, I find myself looking toward the light filtering into the forest I hide in. I find myself curious of what could be beyond the castle I built around the inferno created in my destruction of myself. What could be out there? Are there more trees and darkness? Is this place and this chaos and these demons all I will ever be? I tremble to even think, 

Could there be more?

But the demons, you see, point out my scars and the weapons I crafted in wars. They tell me I was born in chaos and that will only ever be my true home. They tell me the pain out there will only drive me back here, and so why leave at all? So, I stay rooted in place. Only ever staring and wondering. I have always thought myself brave. But I wonder if I was only ever reckless and stupid. Because staring at the blinding light just beyond the trees and knowing how vulnerable I would be out there is plenty enough to keep me here. 

The light feels warm and inviting and I see other people dancing and laughing. But the demons tell me there is too much darkness inside. That I could never be light. No one out there will understand the shadows in my eyes and no matter how hard I try; I will still be alone. 

But while the chaos and demons are safe, I wonder if I really want to stay here or if I am just afraid. 

But I see others like me, swallowed whole in their chaos and darkness. I see people afraid of the light and I want to take their hand and watch them step into the light. But I am a fraud. I have guided so many, or tried to, while I cower in my darkness. I tell others to be brave and grow and take the steps. But I recoil and succumb to the chaos and darkness. I do no more than stare at the light and wonder is there more?

[freezy77]

I have always felt like a wildfire raging across a forest, reaching and consuming everything around. I have felt both out of control and uncontainable and destructive and relentless all at once. I lived in chaos and war for so long anything else is unfamiliar and scary. I used to come here to this blank page to bleed out the pain or sadness or darkness when I felt like I was drowning and suffocating. Words and emotions would flow out of me like screams that I could keep away from everyone. Have you seen the fear in people’s faces when sitting around a campfire and they hear the lone wolf howl at the moon? No, of course the sound of my screaming and howling are only the dancing of my fingers across a keyboard under the cloak of night instead of audible howls. 

But I stopped writing. I became so consumed with others, that I put my emotions and feelings in a box so that I could think of them and only them. And in that, once my emotions were locked away, I ceased to exist beyond what was needed of me. I watched my world crumble to pieces without leaving their sides. I watched myself wither away to fight for healing them. 

And then I made the hardest decision to leave. I packed up what was left of my life, and I drove away. And every step since has felt like concrete. Every step has been stumbled with the twisting of ankles and tearing of tendons. 

But then I met you. Ashton Blake, I feel like you cannonballed into my life scaring me with the waves you created. Once the water settles, my inferno sprang to life ready to receive you as we had every one else. And then you were nothing like anyone I had ever met. There was no mystery to you. You blazed into my life raw and open as the day you were born. And each day I spend with you only further confuses me and excites me. You create chaos in me that is new and unfamiliar. My soul reaches out to you while my brain panics about stranger danger. You make my body feel things while my mind screams at me to run. It’s intoxicating and infuriating. I want to run but I can’t tell if I’m running toward you or away. I just keep looking at you trying to find out all the parts of you.

And you. You are a wonderful, amazing, considerate, kind man. What do I do with you?  You are insanely thoughtful and genuine and I’m almost sure you shouldn’t exist. There’s magic in you, did you know? It’s in your eyes that see the person they land upon and take them in with kindness, seeing their pain and happiness alike. Your magic flows from your fingertips as I watch you constantly helping. I feel it too, when your fingers dance across my skin. You watch the world around you as a man with scars and yet you look for opportunities to manifest sunshine and kindness. You enter a room, and your calm reaches out soothing those around you. Your smile uplifts the broken hearts. Your hugs put the shattered pieces back together again. You are magic without card tricks or spells or a wand. It is your entire being. Not many have magic like you, who carry the scars of the past as kindly and gently as you do. There are too few words to really encompass you. You are human and flawed and that’s the magic. That those amazing things can all simultaneously exist within one body, one heart. Within you.

[freezy77]

How Dare You

How fucking dare you? You claim that I pissed you off? That you know what you’re talking about?

Let us see then. Oh, you fear my wild heart now? You backtrack now? This wasn’t what you meant? You only had my best intentions at heart? Too late now, my dear. I will show you the place I built up with my bare hands. And by god, you will look and see. 

See, the path before you, through a field of wildflowers, swaying in the sea wind. Feel the peace here. Walk beyond that to the darkness of the forest floor and hear the wolves howling and the tigers pacing. Let your fear blossom and grow here. Now out to the very edge of the cliffs, where the waves crash to their deaths. Look upon my castle and wonder. Everything here was handcrafted and bathed in blood and ash, but you wouldn’t be able to tell. No, what you see is a testament to what I can do. You see the red velvet adorning the walls, the chandeliers of glass glinting from the sun, and the comfy chairs sat around the grand fire pit. You sit in one and smile at me. 

But you open your mouth again,

“You have so much potential”

“I knew what I was talking about.”

“You should have listened to me and you would have struggled less.”

“You could have done so much better”

“We only want what’s best for you”

“We were right about some things”

“We only said it to scare you into getting your life together. You were going nowhere”

But I only laugh at you. I laugh at your audacity. You sit in my castle, after walking my woods and my fields and yet you think I would have created all this from your plans?

Oh how I long to unsheathe my sword, still bathed in blood and dirt and sweat. Because then you would truly see. You would see me as I stood, as the fires roared and consumed all that I was and had built. You see, I was armored up and ready for war but how do I fight an inferno destined to destroy me? And it did. I stood alone in my destruction, in my heart, and watched it all burn to the ground. Except for one single spark. I nurtured that spark with my rage and it grew. I set it upon that fire pit that now warms you as you chastise me. And I rebuilt from the ground up. I planted wild flowers in that field to hold on to my gentleness, I brought the wolves and tigers back for my wildness, and I brought the spark back for my own inferno. So yes, sit here unknowing and wondering. But let me paint you a picture. A picture of ruins and ash and still burning coals. Of bleeding and dying and rising through incredible pain. And I crawled out of my hell- born of your fire and the fire of others sent to keep me there. Keep me less. But I made it out and I rebuilt.  I rebuilt 1000 times stronger than I was. So fine, bathe me in fire again. Let your words consume the fields and forest and castle. But see, when the fire of your tounge reaches me, I will only rise. Your sparks will only feed the inferno I have created. Maybe I will be destroyed yet again by you, but I am not done rising. So say your I told you so’s, say I should have listened and then sit back and watch. Watch me rise from the ashes again, and again, and again. Watch me achieve everything I said I would, on my own terms, my own path. And when that day comes and I grin baring bloody fangs and howling like the wild thing I was and am, do not run then. No, sit and wonder in awe at what I created through blood and sacrifice without you or your plans.  

[quotemadness]

“Sometimes suffering is just suffering. It doesn’t make you stronger. It doesn’t build character. It only hurts.”

— Kate Jacobs

[hwhwgwhnwnwbwbwg-deactivated202]

"If I could, I would apologize to the sky and my room ceiling for all of the nights I've awkwardly stared at them remembering things I should have forgotten.”

-Maxwell Diawuoh, Once A Day

[thelittledreamcatcher]

[bookmania]

Lang Leav, Lullabies 

(photo by thelittledreamcatcher)

[quotemadness]

I like myself better when I’m with you.

Mitch Albom (via quotemadness)

[freezy77]

INFERNO

Sometimes I think the only way I have survived so much trauma and chaos and pain is through the fire I built inside me. But as I sit with it now, in the quiet, I see the fire for what it is. Destruction. And I have been destroyed over and over again. You see, the inferno has its place, but I look at you, and you make me want to be rain. I have been a soldier waging war and wielding my sword for as long as I can remember. And god it feels powerful and all-consuming sometimes. But now, watching what it wants to burn of me, to keep me safe, I feel like I’m losing the kind parts of me. My inferno that’s kept me alive for so long tells me to be safe, to stop hurting like this, I cannot keep throwing my heart out. The inferno demands I let it consume me and consume the kindness and sacrificial love that bleeds out of me. If I just let go and close my eyes and hide in the inferno, this won’t happen again. The anger will keep me alive, but it will also make me cynical and bitter and untrusting. There’s much of me slipping into it even now. But then I look at you. You are so consumed with hurt and burdens and secrets. But the inferno will not let you pass into it with me. When I bring the inferno toward you and your demons, it burns you. And you withdraw into yourself. And so, I find myself standing in between you and my inferno. The flames lick at my fingers and pull at my feet. But I can’t stop looking at you. I see the darkness I know so well pressing in on you. The inferno burns hotter because if I keep reaching out to you and this doesn’t end with us together, I will be destroyed again. I will have to start over again. And you push me away or hold back when we are together. And I slide closer to the inferno. But I keep staring at you, knowing I’ve been there, and I couldn’t see the hands and love that were offered to me. I look at the inferno and I know that if I let it consume me, I have to stop loving you. But the love I have for you is so pure and right and a breath of air against all odds. I cannot save you from the darkness nor can I take away the pain. But I can be rain. I can wash away the grime after each battle and I can cool the heat and soreness in your muscles. I look at you and I know if there’s ever a chance for me to really become my full self, I cannot go back into the inferno. I have to become rain and pour my love over you again and again no matter how it ends. And even if you told me now that when you heal, you’ll leave, I cannot take my love away. It took me decades to find Lindsey. You see, Lindsey is brave and kind and full of grace. And every time I let the inferno out, I hurt others thinking I’m keeping myself safe but really, I’m just destroying myself. Destruction has it’s place and the inferno will rage until I need it again. But I want to move forward, I want to learn to become rain. I want to heal, and nourish. I want to leave the safety of my anger and show the broken people that they can build something good and meaningful out of the ashes. I thought making myself a phoenix meant rising with fire but I think the true power of rising and rebirth isn’t in fire, its rising and bringing water to those still burning. I hope you will let me love you long and reckless and without holding back, but even if you don’t, I will not return to the flames. Ill keep learning to be rain. I’ve been preaching to you to let things go and I think its time for me to let the inferno go. So I’ll keep trying to bring you rest and healing and wash away the grime until you send me away, and if you do, I’ll keep bringing rain to those who need it. This is your legacy in my life. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me and that will continue no matter what you decide. I’ll always hope that you’ll stay and one day we can bask in each other’s fully healed glory. I’ll always hope we can teach each other about real, healing, selfless love. Maybe it’s not in the cards, but until it’s completely over, I’ll keep loving you hard. Ill love you through the darkness and pain. And I’ll be waiting to pull you into the sunny green fields when youre ready. I was right when I said love doesn’t stop. And now I know what I have for you is real and strong and sure. And so I’ll follow love and kindness back to you and away from the inferno and no matter what happens, thank you for giving me purpose again when the war inside me is over. Thank you for teaching me what’s beyond a life of survival. I love you fully and true, no holds barred and I think I will until the earth returns to dust and the sun burns out. And when you’re ready to let me in, I’ll show you love that cools the inferno and burns away the bad all at once.

[freezy77]

What is my life?

I feel like the last two years, we’ve been in a car driving together. While you were always the driver, I have loved sitting in the passenger seat as long as I was with you. Maybe I should have paid more attention to the road and maybe I could have seen this coming. But you said that you were unsure and even though you slowed the speed to a crawl, I still wasn’t prepared for you to slam on the breaks and jerk the car onto the shoulder. You were very polite when you asked me to get out of the vehicle but the words stung and I was still spinning from the sudden stop. I got out the car feeling wounded and angry. I tried to listen to your words and what you were asking even though you didn’t know yourself. I tried to talk to you but you weren’t really listening to me. All you could hear were the demons. And so I came up with a solution. I would step into a trailer attached to the car, and instant freeze myself until you could think. I made a mistake though in thinking I could contain the inferno inside me. I went willingly into the chamber, and the cold air hit me as you started driving. I thought it froze me in time. I thought it was merciful to both of us. But I was born a warrior you see, and the fighter inside me wishes violence and blood from anything that would hurt you. I wanted to be unleashed upon your demons. And the inferno raged against the cold. It could not let me be frozen in time. And in turn, I could not cool it. And once I realized that, and I felt the trailer moving and jerking as you continued to drive, my fear of where we were going drove me back into the inferno. Im not sure if I broke out of the chamber or if I willingly left it so that I could join you in the war against the demons. Whatever happened, I found myself banging on the divider. I began to fight you for fear you were leading me to the slaughterhouse. That you only agreed to freeze me to make the massacre less brutal when we arrived. I tried to tell you I was born for war and that I could help you fight and win against the demons but you locked the trailer from the outside. And my demons returned. They brought me panic and consumed me with fear. But I wielded my swords against the demons in your head. But im fighting in the dark and cold trailer with no real idea of your demon’s identities or form. And I think I only ended up cutting you. I think that you couldn’t move yourself out of the way and you’re taking the hits I intended for the darkness in you. And so I stepped back. Ive thrown out one last strategy and begged you to just stop the car and get out. Leave me here in the cold and dark trailer. Walk away for a bit. Find your own inferno. Because while I will survive the slaughterhouse, maybe only through the inferno, I will be dead to you. You will wipe me from your life. And I sit down and let the cold consume my body while I let my inferno burn me from the inside. I beg you to think for just a while before you open the trailer. Because I fear that when my eyes adjust again, youll have driven us straight to the slaughterhouse. And maybe you think Im cruel or dramatic for calling it that, but nothing else compares to what you may be about to do. I feel like the car has stopped but I cant hear if you’re walking to the back to open the doors and I don’t know where we’ve stopped at. And so I sit in isolation and silence, for the most part. My friends have come to visit and speak to me from outside. We’ve debated and debated on what you’re doing and thinking sitting in the car alone. None of us can understand. One friend speaks to me about what I deserve and what I might be settling for if I don’t go to the slaughterhouse. She speaks about what I deserve while I sit with my own demons. Most of them are loud. But as my friend speaks about my strength and my worth, I stare at the one demon that sits quietly across from me. See he doesn’t have to be loud or pushy or dig his nails in to hold on. Because he knows my secret, my unforgivable sins, and its enough that he knows. See, he’s the cruelest. Because he has not once lifted a finger to torment me. Ive done it all to myself. He knows its enough to look at me with his knowledge. And I can do a damn good job at burying him. I can pile a good life on top of him, and forget for a while. And he wont move or make a sound. Because he knows that his darkness is wound into every fiber of my being. He knows no matter how many lies I tell myself about healing and forgiveness that every time I stand before him, I will crumple. Not even the inferno burns before him. I am unlovable, unforgivable. I am a monster. I thought that if I fought all the other demons and let the inferno roar inside me, he would burn away too. Once upon a time, the inferno was a spark. Barely there, barely any oxygen to fuel it. But I began to discover myself and understood that I did not deserve what I lived through. And the fire grew as I learned who I was and was able to believe there is good in me. It began to burn on the injustices done to me. And boy, when its unleashed I feel powerful. I feel like a living breathing person. I feel like nothing is impossible. If I can start with a spark, if I can come from feeling dead and numb, if I found my way to survive the darkness when it was all I could see and it snuffed out everything good or worthy, if I can do that, anyone can. But then I dig down and look at the ugly truth of myself at the barest of my being. I look at the demon who does nothing but sit and watch me writhe in the knowledge that I do not deserve love. And then I think that none of the other healing matters. The inferno doesn’t matter, the strength, the love I can give. Nothing matters because I cant forgive myself for what I’ve done. I cant truly heal. And if theres no hope for me, is there hope for anyone else? I can see all the things you could be. I would die to see you healed and happy. So maybe I have to. Maybe I have to walk into the slaughterhouse out of the love I have for you. Maybe letting you sacrifice me is your first step and if I love you, I have to let go. I have to let the inferno burn you out of me. Because maybe im not the best for you. No matter how big and strong and sure my love is for you, it cannot make you love yourself. Im begging you to let me walk alongside you and be a mirror in the darkness to show you, your own spark. Let me help you heal and let me be beside you when you face your ugly truths. But when you open these trailer doors, I wont fight. The inferno will rage but I will try to be kind. Because I do believe in you. I do believe you have a future of happiness waiting for you. But if im only going to keep hurting you even though im trying to fight your demons, I’ll go to the slaughterhouse.

[freezy77]

I knew life was cruel but I suppose i had believed to have gone through the worst of it already. I’ve survived traumas and oppressive darkness. I’ve been burned to ashes and broken so that I’m not sure I’ll ever be put back together. But then it took one more thing and this might actually push me over the edge. It took something so crucial to my soul that I’m not sure how to find my way back this time.

Yes, I took it for granted without even knowing that the deep appreciation I had was only scratching the surface. It hurts to even put this into words. I close my eyes and I can feel again the warmth of the sun, the softness of the grass, the thrill of going places not many others had been. I remember how powerful my body felt as I trekked through forgotten woods and up rocky hills. I remember the peace in the stillness of being completely alone in the woods. I remember feeling so alive as I looked, really looked at every leaf and tree and wave, trying to commit each indivuality to memory.

Life took my mobility. Chronic pain is slowly killing me. I can no longer trek through the woods even on the well loved trails where many have gone before me without gasping for air and fighting to stay off my knees. I cannot feel the sand between my toes without feeling it pull at my back and send fire up and down my spine. And I keep pretending I can push through the pain until it cripples me.

How do I keep going? I feel my soul waning but I can no longer refill it at the forests edge or let it drink the waters of the sea. How do I keep my soul alive when I can no longer return it home?

[freezy77]

How do you know when you're right for someone? Maybe I know, and I’m begging all the signs to be wrong. Maybe this is the closest to home I’ve ever felt, and yet I’ve never been so lost. Constantly asking myself where I’m going and what I’m doing to you. There are a thousand moments where I’ve felt we’re better off together, but the moments where I feel so distant from you seem to swallow me whole. This is my first real relationship in my adult life and I’m figuring it out little by little but when I mess up, it feels like the world is ending. Sometimes I feel like I’ve figured a part out but then the rug is ripped out from under me. Other times I’m prideful and afraid to be wrong and sometimes the distance that creates seems to be wider than the ocean. What if we cant make it. What if our pride combined is too much for even love?

I didnt believe in love and happy ever afters before you. I was cycnical and believed love to be a trap. And when we first started, I was never more sure that love was a force of destruction that only tears people apart. We may have been the right people at the completely wrong time. And then things changed. We started a real relationship and it was harder than I ever imagined. But then it got easier and the fighting slowed a little. I’ve never met anyone who pushes me so far away and yet makes me feel so seen and known.  It’s like we’re a cosmic force pulling together and pushing apart. I dont know how to fix things. I dont know how to cool my temper sometimes. But I cant do this alone and sometimes I wonder if love is even worth it. Sometimes I lay in bed and watch you sleep. You’re so peaceful. And I think of all the wonderful parts of you and I never want to get out of this bed with you. I want a forever of falling asleep with you and waking up next to you. But then we’re fighting and throwing spears at each other seeing who caves first. Round and round we go. Are we doing more harm than good? We’re both so scared of being alone but should we just let go? I’m in so deep now that I dont know how to untangle myself from you. And even in all the anger and fights, I dont know if I want to. I’m lost but all I want to do is find you. 

[freezy77]

The world is spinning fast, often too fast for us to catch up. But we must continue forward. You will be bruised and beaten my love, but you must not listen. You may lie with me for too short a time before returning to the ever continuing battles life is racked with. But listen to me love. Carry my voice into the screaming. Hear me whisper your name. Hear me cry out your goodness, I will speak of your love, your compassion, your kindness. Remember always who you are, the man I see. Remember again, the nights spent in my arms. Remember the love I have given you, through the bruising, the pain, the screaming they will do. Remember when you feel less than human, less than good, less than what they deserve, that I am here, waiting with open arms. Hear me whisper your name love, calling you back. Come again and rest your weary heart. I will cradle it against mine for these short moments while I have you. I will fill you with love again. And I pray it lasts though my presence in your life may not. And when it is over, just remember me love. Remember the love I have given. Remember the words, and believe that it was true and good. Remember the man I love, even into the battle again.

[freezy77]

I spend nights loving you while you sleep

Days loving you while you love someone else

And I think tomorrow I could leave you

Leave the drama

The baggage

The feeling of second

But then I also would be leaving the hand that holds mine in good and bad times

The light in my darkness

The smile that finds my own again when I forget what muscles to use

The eyes that see the honesty in me when I only hear lies

The feeling of belonging when your arms are around me

The sense that all the pieces have a place

I would be leaving the laughter that warms down to my toes

The touches that reach my very soul

The happiness I forgot I could call my own

The fierceness of passion that gives me courage to be bold

It may be simpler to let you go

But I have found I am not made to be simple

Or live simply

Or settle for less

When I have found a soul that knows mine

A hand that fits all the right places

A heart with all the cracks that fill into mine

Maybe it will never be

But I am a creature of hope you see

And one day looks better to me

Than the assurity of never were I to wake up and say goodbye

Because you see, it’s the hard places that when we persevere through

That make us better

Make us love harder

Make the precious moments more special

Make the memories last longer

The happiness brighter

Than if we were to take all the easy roads and live an easy life

But I have chosen a road that when it ends I will not forget for all of time

Because I choose to live fully fearfully in love risking all the possibilities of good and bad endings than to let go

Because once it was said it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all

[freezy77]

My head is a battlefield and my heart is silent. I get so confused not knowing which side I’m on or which I want to win. One side is familiar. The bloody side with zombie eyes and weary hands is where I’ve been for the past 24 years. But I’ve stared at the trees just beyond the other trench for so long and I just want to see. But the bombs are disorienting and the bullets tear through me and I still haven’t passed the other trench. My men call me back. Back into the blood, back into the pain, where I have every strategy memorized by heart. But my hands are regaining feeling and the light is filling my eyes again. I have to keep dragging to the trees. I don’t know what’s ahead but I can’t go back. I see myself in the trees staring at this broken soldier and her eyes aren’t so lonely or forelorn. She looks like peace and become me with open arms. I want to find her again. It’s been so long I don’t recognize her but I know her. So I’ll keep limping across to the sunrise in the forest.

[freezy77]

I’m a bird flying into a hurricane. I’m so busy struggling that I forget I’m still in the air.

[freezy77]

Cold metal. Shaking hands. Tears fall. Pressure.

Pressure.

Pressure.

Warmth touches my skin and my eyelids glow from the setting sun. The breeze makes the grass and my hair tickle my bare arms. It smells like alfalfa and sweet grass. I inhale deeply. My bare feet begin to walk toward the sound of the creek bed. I am on my way home. Every step is lighter. I am weightless. The darkness is no longer consuming me. My head is no longer screaming. My bones are no longer weary. I open my eyes when my toes slip into the water. It is just as I remember in the orange light. Deeper here where we cross and shallow on either sides. Frogs and cicadas surround me in music. The light is blinding through the trees. It is not the setting sun, it is home. I wade deeper into the creek but hesitate. I glance back over my shoulder. I see their faces, their hands reaching out to me. I should care. I should.

Im sorry. So sorry. I’m sorry you loved me. I was hurting and I didn’t feel human anymore. I need to go. The light is fading. Please let me go. I swear I tried. I swear. I’m sorry.

Click.

[freezy77]

We watched the sun rise ever so slowly. But I’m much more interested in watching him. We are vastly different, but I’m starting to understand that no matter how we chance upon the pain we carry, it sometimes manifests eerily similar. Some of the things he’s said I swore surely came from my own mouth. We are both fighting wars in our heads. I want to wipe away the stress lines and dust off the weight he carries. But I stay silent, just watching.

Eventually, he looks over at me. “What?” His guarded expression returns and I swear I can hear the door swinging closed.

“Nothing. You’re just an amazing person is all.” It barely scratches the surface of how highly I think of him but he smirks and looks back at the sky. I can see the way he doesn’t let my words touch him, the way they twist and turn into sarcasm before they ever get close. I wonder if he knows how much of myself I see in him. My heart aches and I can’t stand to stay quiet even though I know he isn’t quite ready to hear me.

I glance at the sky and then to my wrist to trace the lines embedded there. “I’ve watched so many sunrises with hatred in my heart. I hated the sun itself, and the way it seemed unstoppable. I hated that the way it lit up my eyelids and warmed the coldness because it remind me I was still breathing no matter how dead I felt. It reminded me that no deity cared about my pleas for death or how much I was suffering. I hated it so much I wanted to reach out and destroy it. Snuff out the only source of heat and light we have no matter who it effected.” I glance back up at him. He’s watching me intently, listening. “But I saw other people so alive in the light. How they loved the sunrises, saw the beauty in the colors, and danced in its warmth. You know what I learned? I learned that my perception has no bearing on what something is or isn’t. My hatred didn’t make the sunrises any less breathtaking nor did it make the sun any less warm. I just couldn’t see it the way others did at that time. I had to stop trying to make it something it wasn’t.” I watch his face and I can already see he’s figuring out what I’m trying to say and coming up with reasons I’m wrong. His face says I know nothing of the darkness harbored in his heart. Or maybe that’s just the response I’m expecting.

Either way, I continue, “I hope you can see the sunrise the way I do, one day.” He doesn’t respond but returns his gaze to the sky. I don’t expect him to, now, he’s still trudging through the darkness, still swallowed whole. But I hope he remembers these words when he’s ready, and sees that all he’s ever been is the sun. Eclipses don’t make the sun any less or any darker, they simply block the light for a passing moment. I smile, thinking about the day his eclipse passes, and he shines again.