Between end of 2017 and early 2018
This year, I felt the strongest. I felt like I have my life together even if I still stumble my way up the stairs or crumple my body to sleep so my feet wouldn’t feel that cold even if I could just wear socks --too lazy to get up. This year I learned a lot. I felt pain, grief, loneliness all those things. I’ve lost friends but have gained more. I learned and still am learning how to walk in this world, fiercely independent yet needy of trust and meaningful relationships that would actually last. This year was a rollercoaster of not just emotions but the weight that I carry in my life People, myself, my values and beliefs. Too indecisive; I just couldn’t see how life will turn out to be in a few more years. I didn’t plan. I just did what I think needs to be done. This year, I felt strongest.
Strong to the core sometimes I stopped caring at all and that’s not a good kind of strong, I know, I’m working on it. Cold, hearted bitch one day, but a warm snuggly cutie patootie, the other. I don’t know how to express my words to people.
And as I was writing this paragraph, I realized I referred to myself too much. This self-validation and desire to correct myself. I want to separate myself from “me”. I am not what I do, how I feel and what I say. I am just a wandering soul looking at the world with other souls. And I want to listen to my inner voice more. I’ll say no to things that don’t appeal to me. Even if they make me happy at the moment. Cos moments pass. And At the end of the day, Ill only have the present. I wouldn’t let that present be filled with regrets. Note to self: Don’t be too reckless and also:
Forgive and move on.
There’s more to life than being stuck in the idea of “you”