I am at peace. I never thought I would say that. I thought the pain of what you did to me would always penetrate every part of me, yet somehow, it doesn't feel like it used too. A 3:34am text message on Friday. A cry after 9am yoga on Saturday. A year and a half later, following the weekend your brother promised his life to someone else, and yet, there I was, on your mind. It's a test, I thought to myself, a test of if I could not respond, a test of if I could resist you. It was a test, but it was also a goodbye. I responded shortly, "didn't expect to hear from you, whats going on." I waited for a response that came at 11:08 that night. I was surrounded by laughter and free flowing tequila and the glow of warmth. The text was rambling and lost, like your mind and your soul. Should I see you, I want to see you, I need to tell you something, it might be better in person, maybe that's not ok, call me when you're alone. I listened to my friends, the ones that don't know you. The ones that hate you for what you did to me. I responded short, and said let's talk tomorrow. But when I was alone, all I said was your name. "Noah." "Here," was the response. A quick exchange, "Would it be a terrible thing if I brought over a bottle of wine and we laughed and cried a bit, or is that completely out of bounds." I just responded with my address and the song, cover me up, by Morgan Wallen. I gave you an out, it is bad..but. You didn't take it and before I knew what was happening you were climbing up my creaking stairs to my new apartment that I now call home, to sit on the edge of my bed and fumble over the words "I think so" when I asked you if you were proposing. You never can answer me straight, and you didn't. We talked for a long time. You're lost, and feeling uninspired in your life. Trapped in a life you halfway want to live. Feeling like there's more but having no strength to find it. You're always looking for answers in everyone else, because you can't find them inside yourself, and so you came to me, the girl you love, to tell me that you're moving toward forever with the girl you left me for. I told you about my yoga retreat and all the healing and letting go that happened there. I told you I pictured you when I thought of someone easy to love. I pictured Wesley when I thought of someone hard to love, and I pictured her as a little girl. I told him about the vision where he fell over the waterfall. There was no anger, no resentment, no fighting or trying or crying or wanting. There just was this moment. This moment we found each other softly. I grabbed your face in my hands, "I forgive you," I said tears streaming down my face. And then you kissed me. You kissed me hard and gentle, desire and tears mixing on both of our tongues. I know it wasn't right. But damn, it was beautiful. You lifted me onto the bed and slowly took off my clothes, taking in every inch of me. You're so hot, you whispered as you knelt down to kiss my inner thighs, and then you made love to me. Not angry, not sad, not lustful, just the kind of lovemaking where you know it's the last time. A goodbye to all the love we had. When we were done, I cried on your chest and looked up at you, "do you think we'll always love each other?" "I do," you said. And we held each other in silence. Finally I looked up at him, eyes full of tears, "The saddest part about all of this, is no matter how much we could ever want this, its too fucked up beyond repair to ever go back." And we can't. And we won't. We talked and made love until 6 in the morning. You called me baby. You woke me up with neck kisses. I told you I loved you. In the morning light you had my body one more time. And when you left, you turned back and said, "I love you" and I said it back.
Strangely, I feel at peace. I know the door has shut on us, I'm no longer bound by the endless pain of resentment. You are who you are. You came to tell me you are marrying her, yet you did it while telling me you loved me, and that alone is enough to confirm, you are not for me. Forgiveness is a beautiful thing, but a thing that you can't force yourself to feel. It's something that only happens once you wring every bit of pain out of the life cloth of experience and then there's no pain left to give it any more. And that's when you forgive. "Thank you for your grace, I don't deserve it" flashed up on my phone after he left. "I can't help myself" I said, "but I appreciate those words. I treasure you and the time we had together and I only wish you happiness Noah. It's been a long road but forgiveness and time heal a multitude of sins. I only hope that you continue on the journey of facing your stuff so that you can be free." A gentle reminder that his sins became my cross to bear. A gentle reminder that he will never be who I thought he was. A gentle reminder that time heals. A gentle reminder that sometimes the answer isn't what you think it is. It was a goodbye that I don't think many people ever get. I feel sad for the girl he claims to love, her life is not one I envy. The door is finally closed though. I wonder what I'll feel in a few days, a few weeks, a few months, a few years..but for now, I feel at peace. I know maybe this was all wrong, but what about us was ever right. It was only right for the moments like these. I am thankful that I got to hold you, the boy who I loved more than anything, and finally let you go. I am thankful that I got to say goodbye. Your life is yours now, your choices are yours, and so are mine. In some ways maybe this is harder, it was the best time I've had with you, and it's funny how that works. In some ways we never made sense. And so, I keep this secret, you and me, my goodbye, my love, the one who broke me in a million pieces, it is finally over and I am finally free.
snowghoul
ellievsbear
turnnoffyourmind
stormborns
romaincrisis
tangentwithtanner
