FISHY

another ED blog 🍓 cw: 112.4 lbs / 51kg h: 168 cm

[froggytragedy]

Btw i do not take iron anymore it gives me bad bloated stomach and acne ? HATE IT. Rather keep my anemia idc

[froggytragedy]

I am fat and i want to kms

[froggytragedy]

Think my stomach is really back to normal. I have to take four pills before bedtime for that but as long as im not bloated anymore its great for me.

Now i have to lose again all the freaking fat ive got back on my ribs and abs...

Ana all im losing now is my mind

[froggytragedy]

Can we take a sec to just check how bloated i was ? LOOKED PREGNANT !

The day after i tried my doctor's pill:

Still bloated but waaay better, and yesterday, almost back to normal:

But just so you know, my body look like that when im not "sick":

Sooo please God give me back my flat stomaaaaach

[froggytragedy]

So i need to take iron pills twice a day (if i handle it), during meals. I'm tying to eat plates full of safe foods, hoping it will work. For now, the bloating (that was AWFUL few days ago) is under control. But i feel nauseous kinda always... wait and see.

I eat around 1000 kcal a day. It's way much more than usual but i need to take minimum care of my health rn.

[froggytragedy]

I've received my blood test results and yes my anemia is bad but im surprise to see that vitamin B12 is perfect, even with my ED + vegetarian habits since three years now.

Well anyway guess who is going to the doctor again this morning ?

I really need to tell her about this bloated stomach. Last time she give me some meds and it kinda work but im still bloated and idk why ? Last night i looked like a pregnant woman ! (Makes me worry btw since i didnt have my period) but it HURTS LIKE HELL !

Today, after doc appointement, ill go get a new tattoo with my BFF. Ive made myself banana bread (you cant get tattoed with an empty stomach !) And it looks delicious, cant wait to taste it at lunch

(Yes i have to wait for it like a reward... thanks ED, thanks)

(Oh and guess who is counting kcal again ? Yeeeeep)

[froggytragedy]

My periods are late like last time

I feel HUNGRY all day and i eat i eat i eat hopefully my period will come thanks to that

So im bloated asf

Doctor give me some pills to help with that, ill go get them today right after work cant wait

[froggytragedy]

OK im skinny and then ? Pple do not like me more, or better.

OK im skinny but then ? I purge every single day. I see stars, ive got terrible stomach pain, my blood is shit

OK im skinny but then ? I cant enjoy a dinner with my family or my friends ? My bf cooks me meals that i vomit 30 after i eat it ?

OK im skinny and then ? I think about dying every single day. Im skinny and no, its not making happy.

Not tonight.

But i know my relationship with Ana. Today its awful and all i wish i recover and go back to the times where calories were just useless numbers behind a packaging. But maybe tomorrow, seeing my bones in the mirror is gonna make me fall in love again.

Im tired of this.

[froggytragedy]

Going to bed, wrapping my arms around myself and feeling my ribcage bones through my sweat 🩷 im cold asf but best feeling to fell asleep on

[froggytragedy]

Happy evening

For my dinner i had one banana, one apple, one carrot, and some grapes 🌷

[froggytragedy]

Ive count my calories today. Feel like im going back through something ive managed to escape, hope tomorrow will be better

Aaaand some of my art 🎀

[froggytragedy]

Im a total failure and these past days purging by any form has never been so bad im feeling so bad everything is painful in my body my tongue hurt i did not even know it was possible

[froggytragedy]

Today was awful i hated it i purged twice and eat 4929 laxs i'm gonna have trouble to sleep i hate myself when i lose control over myself

(Yes i was back to work 🫶🏻🤗)

Just wanna be good with myself as usual today i feel like the biggest failure eveeeer

[froggytragedy]

I was doing so great at restriction, but i had one meal with my bf yesterday, then nothing until today's lunch with my bestie, and tonight (dinner with my mom).

I mean when i had the option to cook i made low cal stuff and its perfect but when im out ? 😨😨😨

I walk a lot everyday and i dont gain any weight at least... Maintaining is great but frustrating.

And, eating """normally""" is supposed to help with my metabolism... BULLSHIT i need lax or i dont go to the toilets for DAYS and its painful and ugly because i'm bloated anyway im mad today i feel like a huge failure even tho i eat nothing bad... i just eat too much...

Took my lax tonight makes me feel better

[froggytragedy]

[froggytragedy]

I'm asking myself a lot of things.

I remember the time i used to eat whatever i want and ppl were always like "you're so lucky u can eat whatever u want and stay skinny" and i was so good in my own skin i was just like "yay i know ! Thanks !"

I mean kcal at this time were NOT a thing for me. I wasnt giving a shit about it and still yes, i was skinny. Normal skinny, i mean. Not lean, not fat. Healthy. I was NEVER sick.

Now im sick all the time, im constantly tired. I think about calories, about my apparence, about weight, about food, all the time. Im not happy anymore. Im happy when i fast. Im happy when i purge. Im happy with my bones picking out. But im not happy to be in my own skin like i used to be.

Yes ive got more attention but this attention is because of the way i look. Its not because im confident, not because im smart, not because im funny or talented. Ppl now just are... concerned. Or they are sexualizing me. Which is worse.

I cant imagine being back to this time where i was truly me. Now its so much anxiety to even imagine living without Ana. I feel like something has broken inside of my brain.

When i read stuff here on tumblr i feel good to see im not alone. That we all hear the same voice, keeping the same motivation. But in the same time, i feel also really sad. Because i know how hard it is. How lonely we truly are because of our ed.

Anyway

Sorry for this

Wanted to get this out of my mind

[froggytragedy]

I've been walking all day (under the rain duh but ed voice was LOUD today)

About my meals, i mostly had vegetables and fruits. It was a good day, but i still ended up taking freakin' lax just because of anxiety (wanna purge but i'm still terrified about my bad blood test so i let my body take the minimal amont of nutriments i can eat)