from the gas station

[from-the-gas-station]

How do you know when to stop running? When life starts settling down? Calming down. When you find your ground? Your constant? Do you stop running when you find it? Whatever it is. Or do you stop and take a breath. Look around. Where you came from. Where you're facing. If you don't like the road ahead do you turn around? Or do you just sit down. Do you even know what to do with it when you finally find what you've been hoping for. You ran away. What were you running toward? You kept looking. Hoping. For her? Are you going to blow it. Maybe run away? Maybe self sabotage. How are you going to ruin this? By being yourself? Who you've become during the time you were lost. Wandering. The past is over. It's done. No more reason to run. Stop. Talk. Hope. Calm down. New hobby. Focus. River day. Just breathe. The thoughts of a madman. Don't let her know. Just do it. Take the step. Move forward. It's time. You're still writing. Continue....

[from-the-gas-station]

Staring at my phone tonight I'm reminded that my left eye sees with a blue tint, while my right eye sees with a yellow. I figured that out years ago looking at a white wall. Tonight though, alcohol.

[from-the-gas-station]

Handing out my heart on a line as a safeguard.

[from-the-gas-station]

It's hard to sleep when your dreams are haunted.

When even the good ones are bad.

The happy ones, sad.

The smiles that won't fade

Like the Cheshire cat

Stuck in place.

It's hard to imagine.

Such a warm feeling.

Such comfort.

Such torture.

A double edged sword.

The other side of the coin.

The pendulum's return.

The colder side of the pillow.

The laugh that brings you to tears.

The snore that used to keep you up.

The silence that took its place

Now keeps you awake.

Regret.

Remorse.

A longing for reconnection.

An impossible reconciliation.

Loss.

[from-the-gas-station]

I had a coworker. A friend. Years ago. She and I talked almost a year ago. I told her about this little girl my grandma keeps seeing. She told me her mom kept seeing a little girl before she passed away. Hallucinating. Early last year I said goodbye to my grandma. Science fixed that. I don't know if it's borrowed time or time earned. But she mixes up dreams and reality these days. And one of those dreams is a little girl. I can't help but feel it's the reaper waiting for her. To take back what the lady Death was robbed. If I were in her shoes, I'd be frustrated too that no one believes what I see. But on the other side: it breaks my heart to hear her mention that girl. The one who runs around with her dog. The mind creates an incredible fantasy when stuck in a prison. Sometimes that prison is made of flesh.

[from-the-gas-station]

In death, we are survived by those who remember. Like a contagion: we infect everyone we meet with a memory of us. A smile. A look. A spoken word to someone else. Everything we do is a potential mark on someone's life whether we know it or not. Someone once said "a [person] never truly dies until [they] are forgotten."  The Spartans believed there was an option of "a glorious death"; it was a death with honor. To them it was to die in combat fighting for what they held dear. Be it family, home, or friend. But I believe there is no greater honor than having a whole community impacted by your absence. I heard of a guy who disrespected a woman who just passed. A woman loved by so very many, that he was exiled from region. Not just a community. The woman was named Larona. And this guy exiled from every bar that knew her name. People ask what true power is. It's not what you know. It's who you know. Or rather who knows you. Or more specifically: who loves you; who will miss you when you're gone. Build your army. Make an impact. "Be excellent to each other" - Chris Matheson and Ed Soloman.

[from-the-gas-station]

It feels like my heart is breaking again. But the pain doesn't get worse with the thoughts of any one person. I think it might be breaking for me.

[from-the-gas-station]

In the karate kid (I believe it's the second one), Mr. Myagi says, "Best defense is no be there." And I've heard that the best way to keep yourself out of trouble is to keep yourself busy. I've also heard "if you're not making money; you're spending money".

And I can't help but think these are just different ways of saying the same thing. Eric Church's song "Homeboy" is a good example of this this idea. Like he said "I could keep you pretty busy with a hammer and nails. Ain't a glamorous life but it will keep you outta jail, Not worry us all to death".

I think the best way to fight addiction might be to keep yourself busy enough to not have time to do or even think about it. Whatever it is. I'm told when you get out of prison (in the USA at least) the first thing your parole officer does is get a temporary roof over your head and demand (maybe help) you get a job. Gets you back on your feet and keeps you from doing whatever it is that got you in trouble in the first place. But I feel if you still have time to spend making bad decisions then more work is necessary for recovery. I wonder if rehab is the same way. Drinking too much? Get another distraction. And if you're not spending money; you're making it.

[from-the-gas-station]

Let the frog sing.

For he turns "C" to "B" natural.

By sharpening it

Like a dull knife.

(Frog)

A dull roar in the distance

On the other hand

Should never be taken lightly

The claws are already willing.

(Lion)

Remember me

Out on the water with your friends

Nose ready to penetrate.

Perforate.

(Swordfish)

Stop when you hear my drum beat.

My rattle.

The sound of death.

Walk away.

(Rattlesnake)

Leave your doors open Canada.

I will not stop.

Body like a truck and wooden thorns on my head

Run.

(Moose)

Frog.

Lion.

Swordfish.

Rattlesnake.

Moose.

Like a dull knife.

The claws are already willing.

Perforate.

Walk away.

Run.

(Grizzly)

[from-the-gas-station]

Sometimes I wonder if there's only a certain number of relationships that can exist in the world at one time. I've noticed that a relationship won't start for me until just after I've seen one end. Maybe we do live in a simulation.

[from-the-gas-station]

You miss the sun when you're staring at your feet.

[from-the-gas-station]

When the world is burning around you; do you stop and watch the candle?

[from-the-gas-station]

I should stop opening up to people.

[from-the-gas-station]

If children can't grasp the forth dimension (time) (on a linear scale as a "bigger picture"); how are we as adults supposed to grasp the fifth?

[from-the-gas-station]

Life is a trial by fire. And much like a forest fire: it clears out all the bullshit and debris and provides opportunity. Opportunity for new growth. And opportunity for mudslides and ruin. But remember what it used to be. Remember where you came from and learn from it. Succeed. Flourish.

[from-the-gas-station]

Life is like a backwards "W". No one can tell the difference. The only reason YOU know is because you made it that way.

[from-the-gas-station]

A while ago, I read a story about an old man who hired a prostitute: just to share a meal with him. He had lost his wife months ago and eating alone had started to become unbearable. I've been thinking about that old man a lot recently.