Life was LIFE-ing this week in the best and worst ways so I went for a stoney bologna swim after wrapping up the school week. It was so good, music from my speaker muffled every time I jumped off the diving board, the dogs running to investigate the splash. Real cute. I spotted some cardinals hanging along the fence line. There was more of them than I’d seen here so far. I said hello and kept swimming because I was having a great time. Later, a memory notification popped up from Facebook and reminded me my pappaw passed a decade ago now. I read his obituary and had flashbacks to that time and that version of me. I’ve since excommunicated that family as an act of self-love. Those flashbacks hit like bricks and I’m just so grateful for evolution and growth, the ability to expand and learn. I’m grateful for who I was then and the strength she had. I’m grateful for who I am now, the wisdom I have, and the gentleness I’m learning to let myself have now.
The penjamin hit me like a freight train and this is definitely not what I thought I’d be writing. I thought I missed these people in some capacity but I’m realizing now, after writing this and reading it back that I don’t. That if anything, they’ve traumatized me enough to justify my decision to leave those connections. I’ve changed so much and I like the changes. They wouldn’t have been possible with them. I miss my siblings, and the bond we had. I love them more than anything. The rest? They were just for character development and honestly? I appreciate them for their role but I’m good over here. 🫶🏻
Back to the cardinals: Pappaw, if that was you and you’re still hanging around - I do love you. In the most complicated way imaginable. My entire existence would boil your blood. You’d ridicule me and mock me. You triggered so much change in me. And whatever trauma I hold from you has truly shaped me. In some ways, I’m still working on figuring out how to make that a good thing. Thanks for coming to see the pool and the work I’ve done. You taught me to work with my hands. I know you hate my undercut, my tattoos, the fact that everyone in the house is gay. Remember, you visited me. Imma play some COD with my queer household and our dogs. Then me and my baby gonna cook up some beef tips and roast some s’mores. It really wouldn’t be possible without you.
Happy pride, Pappaw.
