It’s probably too personal to post, but…
Today I learned the news.
I gasped and froze for a moment in disbelief. I was at work, but after reading the head of the news article I couldn’t think about anything.
Maybe, it was a bad joke, I thought… But unfortunately it wasn’t.
I’ve read about cases like this before, I felt sorry for the dead ones and for their fans, but I could never imagine…
My knees went weak, and I felt dizzy… I cried after work, when I finally got home. But I still can’t accept the fact.
I am shocked and heartbroken.
He was the first japanese actor I felt in love with. It was “Koizora”, my first japanese movie. It was more than 10 years ago, when I was still a teenager. I cryed my eyes out, and that’s how I first met him on the screen. And the same way I have to say goodbye to him now.
I can’t say that I was a huge fan of him, but I liked him a lot. I’ve seen a lot of his works, my early 20th were followed by his dramas and movies. I was always (since early childhood) interested in japanese language, but I got interested in modern japanese culture thanks to “Koizora”. I also always considered him as one of the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen, and named his name each time I was asked who is the most handsome male celebrity in my opinion. It was him, a trully beautiful person and an amazing actor with a smile just as bright as the sun.
You know, when things like this happen the first thing that comes into your mind is a question: “Why?”. I don’t know what he went through, what made him do that, what kind of pain he felt… Decisions like that are hard to accept, but I think I can understand…
I went through depression myself. It took away 5 years of my life. I thought of things like that too, even tried once… But slowly, step by step, I managed to get out of it by myself. It took another two years. I remember pretty well how hard it was, just continue to live. When you want everything just to stop, when it feels like it’s the only way possible, the long awaited relief. But then I started to feel something again, little by little, I got interested in something. I came back to my obsession with Japan and it literally saved my life. And it all has started with him…
He wasn’t the exact reason, but still… Back then my sister was talking too much about a new movie, AOT. She really liked it even though she was never interested in japanese movies. I desided to watch it too, but only when I learned that he was playing the lead role. It was only because of him.
And for the first time in a very long time I got interested in something. I’ve started to read manga, then I’ve seen one of the comments saying that there’s manga “Tokyo Ghoul”, that is even more painful and sad. And that’s when I also learned about the “TG” stage. It was the first japanese stage I’ve ever seen. I didn’t like it at first, but then, after few other stages, I fell in love with the world of butai. I fell in love with japanese language and Japan once again. I made my old dream came true and had a wonderful trip to Japan. I even passed the exams and entered the university again (when my mom got sick with cancer I had to leave my study at university and find a fulltime job so I could support my family and help my parents with the bills, and that’s when I started to lose myself). Slowly but I manged to take my life back, to feel a taste of it once again. And it all was possible only because of him. What would have happen to me If I’d never watch that movie? I can’t say for sure. But that’s when everything has started, and only because I wanted to see Miura Haruma once again.
Maybe that’s why I feel this way. That’s why I feel so sad, and sick, and devastated, because the person who wasn’t just a good actor with a pretty face and a bright smile, but was the one who indirectly helped me to find a way back to life, is dead now. And not just dead, but he took his own life.
This is so sad and so unfair. And I feel so terrible, so weak.
I can’t express all my thoughts right now. Not just because I’m bad in english, but mostly because I feel so terrible right now.
Life is hard, but still it’s precious. We have to grab it with our both hands and fight for it, ‘cause we don’t get to have another chance. It’s so sad and devastating that such a young and beautiful soul decided to leave this world. It was too soon. And it’s too cruel.
Let’s pray for his beautiful soul. Let’s hope that he has finally found a peace he couldn’t find in life.
I am so sorry, so terribly sorry, that he was alone, that he couldn’t find a support or a reason to fight fo his life. It shouldn’t be this way.
May you rest in peace, Miura Haruma.
I’ll be always missing you, and I’ll never forget you.
Thank you. And I love you.
