Valentine’s Day had lurched in with the radiating sun; I woke up to its caressing touch gliding across my skin.
The first thing I laid eyes upon was the cracked ceiling; flaking and decaying, an appropriate setting for my abysmal life I suppose. The next thing my eyes darted over was the figure, sitting at the end of my bed. Her fingers ran like streams across the duvet. Her eyes snatched up my glare with an encompassing stare, with those brown irises; the pupils shrinking and expanding, like shutters of a camera; capturing the image of a bed-ridden me.
She didn’t speak. I didn’t speak. We sat in a pregnant silence, waiting to be sown with conversation, yet it never came. Once she caught my attention, she smiled; a wide, sincere grin that spread across her cheeks, pushing them up into her eyes. A red hue soaked into the tan skin of her face; it was as if there was a smouldering heath, delightfully lapping her soft skin. I noticed the imperfections laid bare on her body; notably, the freckles which populated it; like constellations on a vast and wonderous canvas-like sky.
Hazel Winters. A woman of about twenty; a frail and delicate being with a boisterous demeanour- despite how she looked, her attitude was radiant- a vigorous, strong-willed spirit that had many times spurred me into action-
And I loved that about her…
The outline of her image glowed with the sun, peeking through the blinds of my apartment; a blur slowly encroached upon it.
“It’s Valentine’s Day today…” She spoke with a trailing tone.
“Yes. It is.” The abrupt deep tone of my own voice threw me off a bit, nonetheless, she gave a subtle smirk back.
“Hey…Theo?” She muttered, darting her eyes to the floor, “You do remember? how we got together I mean?”
When we first met, I was fourteen years old; you never really know who will be the one to ruthlessly come knocking on the door of your heart. Yet there she was, taunting me with her beauty- understandably, being fourteen, I was fixated on the superficial. But eventually, I came to adore those quirks of hers.
We were on a school trip, and your cap blew into the sea. I watched you, arms flailing and face contorted in absolute horror.
I laughed, chortled and choked back the tears welling in the corner of my eyes as I was treated to the sight of a disgruntled you.
And although we weren’t particularly close, you still chose to smile back, giggling whilst throwing your hands on your knees in hysterics, by then I had stopped laughing…and was entirely fixated on the joy you emanated. I remember all of that so vividly, in such clarity that it was as if I had dreamt it last night. But I’m glad it wasn’t a mere fantasy. And at that very point of time, I was overwhelmed with the utter bliss of being appreciated by you.
I proceeded to wade into the ocean; most likely encouraged by the guilt I felt at the pit of my stomach. I looked back to see you sprinting after me; I was understandably shaken by the wild sight; stumbling back and submerging beneath the water.
What did I feel then? The cold water soaking my clothes, the unmistakable feeling of dread of the arduous and uncomfortable journey…and then, a soft blanket of skin wrapped around my hands as you pulled me up.
You had noticed me that day, I had noticed you. Before I knew it, I stumbled into love, hell, I’d say I body-slammed into that affection.
Which was why when in the last year of high-school I succumbed to a deep wallowing in utter despair. You had gotten with one of the most popular boys in our class; high-schools will be high-schools and that information didn’t take long to snake itself to me.
I tried my best to hide it. I really did. I laughed, cracked jokes; self-deprecated to the point where I was being entirely genuine. After all, I could never be that person you so desired. That light-hearted, optimistic person who could give you his affection.
I was me. A wallowing soul, sank into his own folly, all because I chose to pursue your affection when it could never be returned.
I was happy for you. At least, I wanted to be. But I could never be satisfied- and the sooner I accepted that fact the better.
However you…you frustrating woman, with that happy-go-lucky attitude. You still continued to talk to me, acting like my best friend as you had done so for many years. But soon, you too were consumed by your emotion; swallowed by your relationship; we drifted apart.
It would only be in college when we met again, an awkward encounter sealed my fate. The elements of you from so long ago still burned strong, and you still preserved that stoic personality of yours. Once we started talking over a coffee, the tension had melted seamlessly away, as if nothing ever happened. You were still with that guy, but I grew accustomed to it; I didn’t mind as long as you stayed by my side.
Which is why, when you two broke up, I stayed. Held my ground defiantly against the crashing wave of your emotion. You were the one who brought it up, so don’t blame me. You were thrown into a wailing mess, I let you cry until your eyes became crimson and puffy.
You leaned on my shoulder and closed your eyes, I didn’t dare to say a word. Despite the violent thumping of my heart doing the speaking for me. I drifted my shaking fingers through your hair, I felt the knots from an obviously sleepless night, I tried my best for you. I smiled, and I told you;
…I guess I really do lie sometimes.
Fast-forward to the 13th of February; only a day until Valentine’s Day.
‘Encouraged’, or rather; forced, by my friends I would confess my feeling to you. Some optimistic glimmer shone brightly in my mind; the thought that you too felt the same way.
Like all socially acceptable adults- I texted you the confession, rather than saying it in person.
The minutes crawled by, drawn mercilessly out as I listened to the nervous blood rushing through my ears. Waiting. And waiting. Then, you responded; your feelings were spilt out onto that digital space.
And the swell of happiness was immense, suffocating even as I choked back tears that were so long ago reserved for joy.
Then you did the most unforgivable thing I could imagine. How selfish of you…how DARE you storm into my life like that, only to abandon me?
In a car crash. It was a time like this where I had to seriously consider just how cruel the world was, it didn’t care. The Earth spun on an axis of 23 degrees, 24 hours a day. And whilst I cried at night, yearning for your lifeless body to be given life, it continued to do so.
I looked out the window the next day; I saw the people marching through the streets, bustling crowds travelling to work. Trains and cars chugging along, blissfully unaware of what was just torn from me.
I just remember thinking, why was I still here? We all end in oblivion. Our journeys are insignificant, and the conclusion of the Odyssey remained the same. I just wished our journey could’ve lasted longer.
I came to my own thoughts again, I was no longer aware of the presence at the end of my bed. She was long gone; her liberty from my desires was years overdue. I found myself raging at a wall that stared back lifelessly.
I heard your hushed, delicate voice brush my ear,
“Your journey isn’t over yet, and I’ll always be with you, but you can’t always be with me.”
With that, I found an epiphany. Buried beneath a sadness like a diamond rough. And after so many years of clinging onto the memories of you, until my proverbial fingers bled, I was finally ready to let go.
I now understood, with a newfound sincerity, the person I want so dearly to love…is myself.
Something a bit new for me, but I enjoyed it anyway. I might write more stuff like this.
And Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!
tangentwithtanner
romaincrisis
stormborns
germansingergirl
turnnoffyourmind
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