SIXTEENTH POST: RETROSPECT
Every time I log on to post here, I look at the dates of my last blog post and realize that I'm not sharing as often as I THINK I am. Perspective is such a funny thing to be conscious of. At any rate, I'm in a growth period, as I often am when I take to Tumblr, and find myself looking back at the journey I've been on. I really like where I am right now and a lot of the positive emotion has to do with the mindset I've worked to keep myself in. However, nothing that I do compares to what is being done for me. When I say that, I am referencing my GOD and I want to make it very clear that I recognize and acknowledge the possibility that referencing God or spirituality or "religion," as some may perceive it all to be, is not appealing to everyone and may not resonate with every reader. I'd like to encourage those of you who are uneasy with anything I say regarding my own experiences to be open to my sharing and remember that this is my world that I'm opening up, which has nothing to do with any of you. What I say may connect you to me in some ways and not in others, or maybe not at all. It's okay either way. I respect you, even if you don't respect me AND, above all, God still loves you :)
Now that I've done the usual "I should post more" thing...
I've been taking time out of my day to do something for myself, that isn't exercise-related. (Side note: there is NOTHING wrong with exercise being the sole "thing" you do for yourself. It's pretty awesome in so many ways.) I am seeking to be more intentional in my words, actions, responses, vibrations and, in order to do that, need to look back at what's gotten me to this point. I've hated myself; pitied myself; mistreated myself; neglected myself; ignored myself; annoyed myself; given up on myself; given in to myself; worked on myself; liked myself; grown to love myself; really loved myself. Every choice I've made has contributed to these energies and emotions that had nothing to do with anyone else except myself. In fact, all that I've ever decided to do in my life, whether consciously or subconsciously, brought about the reality I've created FOR MYSELF. No one is the reason I was where I was or I am where I am. GOD is the reason, in my world, for all that was, is and will be. So, when I say that, I am declaring that God's plan for me is being carried out, no matter what. I'm contributing to the pace of that plan and I understand that to be my own free will. I have had dreams of what now exists in my life, for so long, but I didn't follow through on those dreams, those little messages in my heart, because I was not ready; mature enough; focused enough.
I chose; wisely or not so wisely.
Today, I am twenty-seven. I will turn twenty-eight in five months and three days. What have I done with myself in all the days I've been alive? These days, I ask myself if I'm using all the gifts God gave me to serve His purpose; if what I feel and say and do are all on the same page; if I'm giving my best effort to everything I set out to do everyday; if I love myself during each moment, even if I am not as proud of myself. The answer is not always yes; but, these days, it is more often yes than no.
I think back to three years ago, on Christmas Eve of 2012, which is a really important day for me. For about four or five years leading up to that point, I stopped believing in God. I didn't stop believing in ANYTHING, so I'll categorize myself as an agnostic, during that time period. I was scared of things that were happening in my life, mad at God and convinced myself that if God "really existed," He would not have allowed certain things to go down. My thought process was, "How can God allow this to happen if He really loves us?" Has anyone else ever felt that way? I know I'm not alone and I don't regret feeling that way, but the day arrived when I DID regret it. I was CONSUMED with remorse and cried so much because I was so sorry that I ever stopped believing in God; that I flat out denied His existence. It's pretty intense in my mind because I was in the shower when I started to feel the sadness. I mention this because the shower is a REALLY vulnerable space for people; you're alone (or maybe not, but I was), you're naked (in this case, emotionally and physically), your guard is down (unless you're a paranoid person and think someone may attack you at any time... I'm sorry we live in a world that provokes that fear), and you're free to just be you - be with yourself. In the privacy of my plastic door-enclosed 2x4 shower, I thought, "Tomorrow is Christmas... Jesus's birthday." Those last two words got my mind working and I pictured Jesus on the cross vs. Jesus being born...... TEARS. I cried like a baby. I covered my face in shame and just kept apologizing. My heart was pounding and my body was on fire (maybe it was the steaming hot shower - I take a lot of those), but I felt so weak. Thinking back to that moment, I remember feeling comforted at the same time I felt horrible; like someone was hugging me. I will never forget that moment. In fact, I don't know that I can forget that moment because whenever I feel defeated, I feel that same hug and it always brings me to tears.. I feel it right now, reliving that memory, and I am crying (insert breathy chuckle).
I'm reading this book called "Jesus Is ____" and the author, Judah Smith, this pastor based out of Seattle, talks about how Jesus is GRACE. He tells the story of the prodigal son, or the wasteful son, who moves away from his dad's ranch with his little bit of inheritance, wastes it on a wild lifestyle, struggles for a while, then realizes that, even if he worked at his dad's ranch as a servant, he would have a better life than he created for himself after leaving. So he sets out for home and apologizes for doing wrong against his dad and against Heaven. His dad doesn't even wait for the kid to get home to celebrate him; he legitimately ran out to his son, when he saw him approaching their ranch, and embraced him, sent for the finest of possessions to shower his son with and celebrated his son with a feast. The kid has an older brother and that older brother was not a fan of this. I take it he got jealous, based on what Jesus shares in this story. The older brother explains to the dad that his younger brother left, was irresponsible, returned and is now being celebrated; meanwhile, he's been the good son, working and doing right by his dad, but hasn't ever been celebrated. Do you know what the dad says? "He was lost, but now he is found!"
I can write a book on the chaos in my life, especially the experiences I lived between 2008 and 2012. I might.. I've thought about it haha HOWEVER, so many of those experiences and the mindsets I was in are NOT my best moments or realities. I don't regret them for one second because they led up to this moment in time that I am in and, as I said before, I REALLY like where I'm at. I went from NOT loving myself to REALLY loving myself; I used to pity myself and just be sad, which is NOT how I feel about life or myself anymore; I was self-destructive and, these days, I continue to strive to build myself up. I changed my thoughts and habits. My focus continually shifts, as it does with any evolving being. However, no matter what I've done over the past three years, my focus has shifted all the way over to God. I move closer to Him as time passes and I am so grateful that this is the way it's worked.
I learn about myself through my interactions with others, but I have taken time to revisit my past and am learning EVEN MORE from the interactions with myself. I notice how I've changed and where I still want to do more work. I pay attention to how I treat others or respond (or react, because I am still impulsive at times) to others. In the past, I focused on all the pretty parts of me; it was easier to deal with myself and it made me more comfortable with myself because I saw how I was a good person. I wasn't judgmental because I knew there were parts of me that were ugly; I just didn't want to be with those parts of me. Drugs and alcohol helped to expose those parts of me.. Too bad a lot of those experiences were stories told TO me, as opposed to memories I could recall. I had to do some soul searching after I accepted that I'd messed up with God. That led to really difficult tasks, like remembering when I did someone wrong, especially people I really loved. I had to acknowledge that I was closed to certain people or experiences because I had already lived through them; not on the receiving end, but on the delivering end. I had to spend time with myself and really face the parts of me that I Tried to suppress and ignore. I wasn't real with myself for a long time; I only focused on when people did ME wrong or when I was doing right. I was living in a pretty idealistic reality, except that it wasn't reality. You ever meet someone with a victim mentality? I tried not to make it obvious, but I thought that way a lot of times. I could dish, but I couldn't take. I did what I could, but I struggled with emotion overload and opted to have a drink or six, smoke a blunt or two, text my butt-buddy (usually the person I was in a committed relationship with - but had no business being in a relationship with!). I ran with things that had already proved to be harmful to my emotional or mental health. I was pretty empty, but I habits are hard to kill, especially when you're more comfortable with focusing on the negativity "someone else" brings to you life than you are focusing on the negativity you're producing on your own.
It took knowing and loving someone who was so imperfect, but so perfect to me, to realize that I didn't love myself. I loved that person more; had more affection and patience and compassion for that person than I did with myself. Despite the beauty of our relationship, I was still empty. So I left and went on a journey to find myself. I found a lot and continue to find more! Do you know what my most beautiful discovery was?
Dude. I legit said, "I am so sorry for denying you!" and I felt A WARM HUG. Imagine not having seen your dad for a really long time because you were mad at him and when you finally go to admit you were wrong, it's as if he isn't even really listening to the apology; he's just so happy you're there that he just takes you into his arms and holds you. That's what it felt like. It took a while for me to start praying again.. Like, formally praying.. I had that moment then started doing more research - because I like things to be backed up by SOMETHING (trust issues haha) - on Near Death Experiences. I had already been researching NDE's and even found a book that I was really interested in reading called "Heaven Is Real" by Dr. Eben Alexander. I got that book for Christmas in 2012! My beautiful love gave it to me. It took me a short while to read it and I was so moved by it because of what was happening inside me. The shower experience grew to seeking more opportunities to encounter God privately. That grew to prayer and meditation. That grew to, a year and a half later, going to church for the first time in years (thanks, Carla!). That grew to visiting churches and eventually finding my home in Hillsong (thanks, Titi Jannet, Tio Bobby, Mori, Stephie and Jessie!) I have a lot of moments when I recall the day or week I've had and remember not being as king or patient because I was so focused on myself. Those are just some of the things I have to continue to work on.. But it's a process and I'm working on being patient with myself so I can be patient with others.
Enjoy the fruits of your labor
It's taken a lot of energy, discipline and focus to get here. It's also taken a significant amount of time. Three years ago, I accepted that I had been living in denial for the few years before that. Since then, I've moved at my own pace and am a very outwardly spiritual little woman. I feel that I have a mighty spirit and I feel that I have certain gifts that were GIVEN to me by God in order to contribute to the world and serve His purpose for me. I know that those gifts can be taken away from me just as easily as they are given to me. Nonetheless, I feel like I'm using them and by using them, am being blessed with more. Two years ago, on February 22, 2014 (I just checked my gmail), I ordered the study book and online program for the National Academy of Sports Medicine (NASM) Personal Trainer Certification. I didn't take it serious; didn't study often and made other parts of my life a priority. I was supposed to take my test by that summer because you only get six months to study and take the test before it expires; it expired and I never took the test. I paid for the test two more times; both times I failed to ACTUALLY TAKE THE TEST, so they expired. At some points, I'd ask myself, "do you even realize how much money you're wasting?" That was a pointless question because I don't have a true attachment to money. I've wasted money and didn't give a crap; that was true here, too. I knew I was not ready. So, in the past year, I've tried to really focus on where I'm going and what my heart is telling me to do.. you know, because God speaks to us through our hearts.. Well, on November 5, 2015, I called NASM and, again, purchased a re-test. This time, I purchased the three month re-test, which means I only had three months to study and take this test. I had studied on/off for the last year or so, with more consistency after my competition season came to an end in the summer. I questioned whether I would be able to make it work, but I knew it was my heart, so I was going to make it happen no matter what. I passed my test on the first try this past Wednesday, February 3, 2016.
I studied a lot, but I prayed a lot more. I KNOW that I would not have passed that test if I hadn't given all glory to Him and put Him first. During the hour leading up to the test, I was pretty nervous and agreed to accept that if I didn't pass the test, it would be because God didn't want me there yet. I'm not going to lie; I was like, "alright God, if you want me to be certified, finally, then I will pass this test.. but I feel like the time is now.. I just do! so, I'm accepting your Will, but I'm like, hoping You want me to be ready.. because I feel ready." HALLELURRRR. I'm certified! I also started this Nutrition/Physique Transformation course online - not for credits or through an institution - under the guidance of Dr. Peter Fitschen that I stumbled upon a few days before the deadline. It's pretty awesome to just be able to learn things that I'm so interested in.. God's timing. Next week, I begin my first official class since having graduated from Rutgers, as I pursue my post-graduate degree in Human Nutrition and Functional Medicine. It's pretty funny that I am pursuing a Masters of Science, the science I avoided like the plague at Rutgers, and now have to take all the pre-requisite courses I dreaded as an undergrad. Such is life; if God says it's for you, you'll be seeing it sooner or later. It's up to you how fast it comes.
I appreciate your eyes and attention, no matter how long it took you to read up to this point. I'm hoping you're a little more encouraged to pursue your passion and follow your heart. It won't misguide you and, no matter how much of a struggle you encounter on your path, you can always count on your heart to bring you to happiness and joy. Imagine how different the world would be if we all just did what made our hearts happy! I sometimes have to fight my ego and the logic my brain has been conditioned to seek when I'm listening to my heart. That's a pretty normal human struggle, but it isn't a struggle you need to be discouraged by. We play tug-o-war with what makes sense and what feels right. These days, I am so happy that I've listened to my heart, especially in times when my heart was pointing me in the direction of a really scary, unknown path. We don't always have to be in control; that's God's job. I try to be well put together, but I'm not haha so don't be fooled by my posts or opinions. I'm still figuring out where I'm going, why I'm feeling how I'm feeling.. I don't always need to figure out, either. ANOTHER area of opportunity! >.<
Shoutout to my partner.. I say partner because he does not belong to me; he compliments me; he pushes me and pulls me; he is my equal. Jonathan Castro, you've played such an important role in my journey. God placed you in my life for so many reasons. So, I thank Him a few more times today for the gift that you are. From rediscovering my love and passion for fitness to rediscovering my love and passion for our Lord and Savior; you have challenged me and contributed to my growth in more ways than I knew a person could. God is awesome and made you in His image.. AWESOME.. and fly.. and beautifully sculpted.. LORD.
Peace/Love/Growth
#PLG #FrwdMvmnt
#ItsAllAboutYourReaction
