What is love?

[ftmboysblog]

I just want to feel good about myself. I don't want to feel like a failure, and I don't want to feel this miserable.

[ftmboysblog]

It's been 2 or 3 weeks since my swallowing issue started to become a huge issue that took over my life, it seems.

I guess it started around the time my girlfriend left 18 months ago and I started gagging on tea and coffee, even though I like them both.

Eating and drinking have become, unejoyable.

I've lost 2 pounds in weight which is huge for me because I only weigh around 100 pounds at 1.77m tall.

The swallowing issue is a kind of, I forget to swallow half way through. It started with just saliva, I'd go to swallow then stop and I freak out and almost choke. At first once a week then a couple of times a week then, all evening and it is now on my mind, constantly, which makes it the highlight of my life.

I'm scared to eat, I can't go out for meals because it will happen, I can't eat in front of anybody because it feels like I'm being watched, and I am already totally focused on swallowing as it is, without somebody else focusing on it too. Not eating means I am losing weight and will eventually suffer from malnutrition and dehydration, I could die!

Words like Parkinsons, dementia, stroke have been mentioned, then "it's psychological" and told to take sips of water to take my mind off it. What a disrespectful joke! That's what I'm left with, take sips of water and distract myself, like it's that easy!

Why all of a sudden am I struggling to swallow?! It's not a blockage or a physical health issue and I try to live a healthy life. It totally sucks!

I just want this to end so I can carry on being normal in every sense of what normal is for me.

[ftmboysblog]

I feel alone... again.

[thoughtkick]

“Don’t ever feel bad for making a decision that upsets other people. You are not responsible for their happiness. You are responsible for your happiness.”

— Isaiah Henkel

[ftmboysblog]

Maybe bad shit keeps happening to me to try make me realize that I am a bad person and do not deserve to be happy.

[ftmboysblog]

Craving another human to share some time with, craving so bad. I need another human to touch, to feel, to hold, and to hold me, tight.. Yet, I'm here, alone, getting drunk, on my own.

What a waste.

[ftmboysblog]

"I'm happy you're here."

Is quite possibly the best thing anybody could say to me at any time.

[ftmboysblog]

That gut wrenching moment that lasts for moments, hours, days, even weeks when I realised that I made a mistake and there is no going back...

But I can move forward into new light.

[ftmboysblog]

There are only 2 types of people

Good

Bad

I must be a bad person to be treated like I am and feel like I do.

[ftmboysblog]

I'm here if you need me.

Who is there when I need them?

[ftmboysblog]

Last week after an argument where she once again told me what a shit person I am, I believed her and all I kept thinking was, "If I had a gun, I'd put it in my mouth and pull the trigger."

I don't feel happy to be alive now.

Loneliness is a killer.

[ftmboysblog]

Why do I put up with it?

Why do I let her put me down?

Why do I love her?

Why can't I let her go?

Yesterday I asked her how she thinks I feel knowing she has such a low opinion of me then told her I'm not having it and I'm not doing it anymore.

The end.

Then we have sex, then we spend a day together.

And its all good again

But nothing has changed.

[ftmboysblog]

I'm sitting here, half way between crying and craving drama and the sensible and positive person who knows that what he has got is good, like I want the drama, like I want to feel sad and cry my eyes out. Because feeling this is better than that happy shit that only lasts seconds anyway.

[understands]

[ftmboysblog]

I feel lonely.

All I want is just one person to talk to who wants to talk to me because they feel the same.

I want to feel, something else.

[ftmboysblog]

I don't want to be somebody's 'when there's nothing else to do' person.

I don't want to be that an inconvenient interruption.

[ftmboysblog]

The sad part is, she made too much of a mistake to rectify it.

And she knows it.

But she is relying on me to give us enough time for it to come good in the end.

And I'm here thinking, 'It's not gonna work, the tape has been rewound.'

And it's all her fault.