In certain parts of the world, people call Katydids "Esperança".
I apologise in advance, this won't be a positive post. This year was awful and beyond depressing. And the future feels bleak.
Me and my friends' struggle to afford living, while our professions are being stolen by soulless machines, developed and advocated for by equally soulless people. Our group suddenly lost a dear, longtime friend, and right after that, another had a brush-in with death due to a sudden medical emergency, and recovered only to be pulled back into thankless, unsustainable grind everyone is stuck in - because you've gotta survive, somehow. Don't even get me started on the violent events happening around the world.
Everyone seems just… so damn tired. Disillusioned. Resigned.
Frankly, I'm at a point where I regret not pushing through my burnout and health issues, to do more of my personal projects, stuff I consider a part of "actually living", when it was still feasible. Because allowing myself to heal, currently feels like a wasted time. Even though I know this is an irresponsible and unfair thing to say. Also very rich, considering even remembering to drink or eat felt too exhausting and mentally taxing during those days.
But I will keep crawling forward, not because I feel any hope anymore, or have strength left - but because what other option is there? I want to return to the fancomic I'm making, even though it's been in limbo for months. I want to keep contributing to my friends' gamedev projects. I still want to keep pursuing my passions, fulfil my goals. Even though, honestly, right now I don't know when and if it will be possible.
I may desperately feel like I want to turn into a stone statue, but the truth is, it's just the lethargy and apathy talking.
What I really want is to fucking live. I want me and my friends to thrive, to feel secure, and be able to do something that has meaning. Not struggle to barely vegetate in a world that never rewards, but only seeks to exploit our efforts to a point of them feeling futile.
That's it.
Despite everything, all the best for the next year, everyone. Thank you all for supporting my art, however infrequently it is posted; and may you be able to achieve everything you dream of in the following year. If not through hope, let it be through sheer spite and stubborness.
This is Gonta in stuffed pajamas.🐛
It's an illustration for my birthday, but I couldn't make it in time, so…🥲
I will post it again when it is finished.🥲
Content warning for gore, blood, burns & body horror.
A king with no crown and a holy fool.
(The element of venom/poison, stabbing/puncture wounds and destruction of a whole body is present in both of their deaths. Kokichi's pristine white clothes also end up being shoved down the toilet, and the poison made it difficult for him to breathe, so there's plausible callback to Miu also. Karma at its finest?)
If I could be the devil, you could be the sinner.
(Don't mind them, they're just spilling their guts)
(...)
(Concepts for scenes from a Gonta-centric survival horror game I'll never make. But it was fun to daydream about - maybe one day I'll finish other sketches and doodles relating to it into a more presentable state. The Cat Lady OST was playing on constant repeat while I drew this - Lily of the Valley, Don't Follow the Light, String, Plainwalker, Early Winter, Storytelling, Susan's Blue Sheep (alone again) - those in particular are now stuck in my brain when I look at those drawings, and what I imagine the "game's" mood to be like, at least the opening segment.)
(I felt both heartbroken and like a monster when drawing this one... But I wanted to draw something that doesn't conveniently erase nor tuck his mangled, swollen face away from view. Sure... in game it looks goofy. But I think mockingly disfiguring him was the point in all of this, too. And given the venom, the Schmidt pain index, how it rates some wasp species, the fact that those robot wasps could be packed with anything necessary really... it had to be awful. Really, every stage of Gonta's execution was excruciating and enough to kill a person on its own, but due to his strength he likely suffered through them all. I remember begging in my head he was at least spared the flame, that he was already gone by this point... But it's foolish to pretend it definitely was the case.)
I wanted to post something new, but I was either busy, ill, or focused on something else, so another sketchdump with oldies and wips it is. This time strictly 2020-21 stuff, drawn during the first few months after finishing the game; mostly to process the post-game/Ch4 sorrows. All very emotionally raw, very edgy stuff that I felt, to be honest, too shy to show before.
Like with any wip I posted before, I do hope to finish some of them properly one day, even though I don't know when. But that's fine, I've signed up for a very long ride with the bug man. Taking it easy is the priority.
Speaking of long-term projects, maybe there's no need to, but I do want to talk about my Gonta fancomic, so here goes.
It's a bit long, so I will continue under the cut.
(Some panel teasers first! ...Gonta sanity fine.)
I took a few months long break from personal drawings - an *actual* break, not just sitting in front of a screen, tired, stewing in guilt that I'm tired, and that I can't magically muscle through burnout, or headache, or exhaustion.
My brain was stuck in a loop of berating myself for underperforming, not doing well enough, for taking so long on "mere" 27 pages, when in the past I could finish a 90-page webcomic chapter much faster. I wouldn't let myself rest, because I didn't do enough; but I couldn't do enough, because I didn't allow myself to rest. And it's been going on for months and months.
What a stupid, unconstructive thing to do to myself. I was only spiralling down, intimidating and overwhelming myself with work on the one thing I specifically wanted to keep doing out of joy, not ambition and pedantism. So I decided to just say "fuck it" and stop for a while. Like, actually stop, do something else and try to feel unapologetic about it.
So I briefly took up sewing, a creative activity I had no personal stake in, and then I started PVP-ing in DS3 (sorry if I happened to kick your butt in there. Rest assured my butt gets kicked just as much), which did wonders, too, as non-artistic pastime.
And, in the end, it seems it worked.
I finally feel this internal drive to draw again. Sadly, I can't spend all of my free time on the doujin (I might need to open commissions soon), so my pacing will still be glacial... But there was an internal change from "I have to, I have to, I must..." back to "I want to". And this is all that matters.
Still, that makes me think... while technically I don't have deadlines, the comic has taken so much longer than I thought it would - and it will take a while still. Thus, I wonder if I shouldn't change my approach re publishing it.
The initial idea was to post it all at once when it's fully finished, but I debate releasing it one page at a time instead, while it's still work in progress.
Thing is, I don't think it would be good for overall pacing. I don't want to sacrifice it, plus I can't guarantee regular uploads, esp since I don't exactly work on the pages in chronological order (While the first page is done, it was drawn after I finished a few in the middle & at the end; and there are still a few important pages/panels in first half I'm a bit too afraid of touching just yet, wanting to do them justice. This is how I work in general, jumping around rather than sticking to overly strict linear order.)
The compromise would be to post like 3-5 pages per post, making it so each upload covers a specific scene, however, same issue arises - I can't promise regular uploads. In the end it feels like a half-measure. But maybe it's a good idea, despite that impression?
There's a secret option, too - if this takes absurdly long, my plan was to just post the storyboard, after replacing some panels/pages with already finished drawings. The thing is readable as is, and long finished on that front anyway. My personal deadline for that was "right before my current lease ends", but, well… I plan on extending it anyway, and again... it's just a back-up option for when everything else fails. In the end, I just want to finish the comic, and present it how it's meant to be presented, however long it will take.
All those things considered, I'll stick to the original plan for now... and then we shall see. I simply wanted to share where things stand currently, and where they might go.
And that's it! If you've read this far, thank you. See you in the undetermined future.
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