I need some advice and if anyone on this site can offer anything, please do. Or maybe I'm just venting, idk honestly. I have no one to talk about this with. Help me pls tumblr :)
I've been with my partner since 2017. We met at work, best friends, moved in together a few years ago, etc. Normal relationship stuff, y'know?
When we first started dating, I was questioning who I was quite a bit. After all, I'd never been in a serious relationship before, much less a relationship with a woman. Being a lesbian was a strange concept to me, but it didn't make much sense. It was at this point I started questioning if I was a woman at all—I've always been a "tomboy" and while I haven't ever necessarily had an issue with my body, I've always had issues with feminine roles in society. I feel as if I fit in with the stereotypical male roles more (being the breadwinner, protector of the household, etc).
My then girlfriend, however, politely told me she didn't think she could date a man. She had a past history of abuse and sexual assault, so it made sense to me, and rather than break up with someone I loved, I simply forgot about those feelings. My relationship with her was (and still is) far more important to me than whatever my gender might be.
Fast forward a year or so, after she's gotten comfortable with me and more comfortable with the idea of sex and a relationship, I ask her again. She says she'd be open to the idea, asks me if I think I'm trans. I say no and I'm just curious.
Fast forward another year, and she asks ME how I would feel about dating a man. Keep in mind, we've been dating as lesbians for over three years at this point. I've never considered she might also be trans, or questioning at the very least. I ask, "do you think you're trans?"
She says yes. I immediately offer to switch pronouns, she says to just stick with she/her until she sorts things out. I'm okay with that. Whatever makes her feel safe, right? I make sure that's what she still wants every few weeks, eventually she tells me she'd like if I could start using he/him pronouns, and bam, just like that, I have a boyfriend and not a girlfriend.
My problem is, I've felt this way for years. I've told him. He knows. His name is more gender neutral, so he doesn't plan on changing it anytime soon, but mine is quite obviously feminine and will need changed if I ever intend to go that far.
I feel like I'm grabbing for attention after coming out to him, even though we've both known it was only a matter of time before I did. I feel like I'm trying to steal his spotlight or something, despite his reassurances. It makes me feel guilty and like I'm lying to myself and to him.
I guess I'm just looking for other people who have been through similar experiences? Either gay couples who realized they were both trans women, or lesbian couples who realized they were both trans men? I'm not sure how to word my question without coming off as rude, so I apologize in advance.
Anyone to talk to who understands would be great. Thanks for sticking with me and reading this far along.