For Kaidan Appreciation Week - Day 5: Romance
A letter, remembered. And a gift.
“Can I ask you something, Kaidan?”
Shepard and I are relaxing on the couch after a late dinner. We really should work off some of the calories, maybe take a moonlight walk or something. But I’m pretty damn comfortable right here with my head in his lap.
“When have I ever said no to you? Wait… don’t answer that.”
I meant it as a joke, not referring to any particular occasion, unless it would be something silly like ’could I have my hoodie back now?’
But I can feel his body tense up and he doesn’t ask his question.
Turning my head a little, I try to see his face. His forehead looks like my reflection in the mirror when I’m trying to fend of an impending migraine, and he’s chewing on his lower lip.
“Okay, it’s something I said. Want to talk about it, John?”
I feel the deep breath he takes as he reaches for my hand, wrapping his around mine as it rests on my chest.
“Yeah. I guess we should. For a moment it just sounded like you knew what I was going to ask you about. Coincidence I guess, but it threw me.”
Not wanting to rush him, I stroke my thumb across his hand slowly before finally asking.
“What did you want to know? Whatever it is, it’s okay… we should talk about it. Seems important.”
I consider whether I should sit up so we could talk face to face, but my instinct is not to move.
“Did you ever get a letter forwarded to you by Anderson? A reply to the message you sent me after… after Horizon.”
Okay. It all makes sense now. Even my flippant remark about never saying no to him… since I did say no there. In too many ways.
“Yeah, I did. Anderson forwarded it, saying he hadn’t read it, that he trusted the both of us enough to respect our privacy. Just as an aside, that meant more to me than you can imagine. Him saying that he trusted you. Despite everything.”
I feel a small tremble in the hand holding mine. It’s his injured hand and I wonder if I squeezed it too tightly. The uncallused skin on his palm is still pretty sensitive. But there’s a matching waver in his voice.
“You never mentioned it… I thought maybe he decided not to pass it on. It’s okay – we agreed to bury all of that when we forgave each other to get past Horizon. But hearing that about Anderson… it means a lot to me too. When I got back to Earth he was my biggest supporter, but I didn’t know for sure earlier. He wouldn’t put me in touch with you when I first met with him on the Citadel right after… after being dead.”
I hadn’t realized that. Of course Shepard would have asked about me. I know that now. But the messed-up grieving man I was then wouldn’t have realized that communication might have been blocked. By Anderson, or by the Illusive Man.
“I got it not too long before I heard you’d returned to Earth with the Normandy. I guess you must have written it before going thru the Omega 4 relay.”
It’s important to be able to see his face for this conversation, so I sit up and scoot close to his side, taking his hand again. I need the contact.
‘Yeah… in the few hours as we got ready for the jump. It was kind of like the night before Ilos, you know? I needed to talk to someone… that’s not quite true. I needed to talk to you, Kaidan. Since I couldn’t, I wrote to you. If something happened, I didn’t want you to remember me as that man you met on Horizon.“
Lifting my free hand to his face, I cup his cheek with my palm and lean in to kiss him. Our lips barely touch before I’m the one trembling. In a moment both his arms are around me, pulling me close against him. I try to find the right words. My voice comes out almost as a whisper.
"I wouldn’t have, John. Not like that.”
The breath Shepard exhales could be one he’d held for far too long.
“I never got to thank you for your letter. They wouldn’t let me communicate with you once you were detained in Vancouver.”
He nods, eyes clouding at the memory of those months alone. “I know. No communication at all, not even from my mom. I don’t know if she tried, but I doubt they’d have seen her as my mother, just as an Alliance Captain trying to talk to the disgraced former Commander Shepard. Hackett could cut past that kind of bullshit when I was still out there, but not on Earth.”
“John. You wrote something in that letter… or maybe I read more into it than you intended. You told me you reread my message when you felt alone. So did I, with yours. And your last words always gave me hope.”
“Yeah. I don’t know. It’s hard to explain. Not hope for the mission or anything. Just hope.” I burrow closer against his chest, letting his arms shelter me. My voice drops low enough that he has to bend his head to catch the words. “Hope for this… for us.”
John sounds surprised. “What did I say? I can’t even remember it clearly. I didn’t agonize over the ending, I know that. I just wrote what I felt… in case it was the last time.”
“You wrote that you hoped to see me on the other side. I don’t know if you meant the other side of the relay jumps. Or the proverbial other side in case you died. Or…”
“Literally. That you were coming home. To the Alliance. To me, maybe.”
No more words are needed. He holds me tight, his cheek pressed against my hair as he just rocks me gently through a moment that’s emotional for both of us.
After long minutes of silence, I remember one more thing I want him to know.
“The way you signed the letter… you used your full name. John Shepard. It felt like a gift.”
He kisses me again, his lips parted, fitting perfectly against mine. And he whispers.
