Bad Glee Fic

@fuckyeahbadgleefic

Sporking the worst Glee fandom has to offer since September 2011. FAQ Submit Diigo (in progress) Offended? Read this! Contact us at [email protected].

190 posts

Fic: Showering in Hevan (Sam/Kurt)

Who else remembers that ancient past known as Glee Season 2? Don't strain yourself, it was quite a while back. In those historic times, there was this new jock named Sam and a lonely chap named Kurt. People wanted these two to do it (inspired by an episode where they wanted to "duet," an old-timey play on words) and so fic about them going all anal stroking in the shower on each other were written. Now, this ship was called "kum" by most (because anal stroking) but the sfw version was "hevan" (because anal stroking). Hence: the title.

What a fascinating journey into the far past that was! Now, onto the fic:

#unsexy sexy times #p: kurt x sam #misty water-coloured memories #out of character

Beautiful Disgrace (Kurt/Blaine)

I found this fic after an anon asked me what I thought of Blaine's parents.

We begin with every single fandom cliche about Blaine's house. It has a swimming pool, and a ten car garage, and several hundred wings, etc. etc. I suppose Blaine just performs at Six Flags and nursing homes for the love of it then, eh?

#angst #they're altogether stabby the anderson family #p: kurt x blaine #homophobia #saint kurt of hummel #finn dumb and dim

Hey, I was wondering if you'll ever come back to posting on this again? I've always found what you have to say hilarious, but also, you really helped to improve my writing ability - I'd hate to see you've left this account completely :(

I want to post again, but unfortunately, I’m quite alone in the venture now. Throw in my natural procrastination, real life distractions, and another thing to round off the rule of three, and it leads to this place being deader than disco. (Blaine, Mike, and Brittany just gasped in offense, I’m sure.)

The snark has not left though, and so I am welcoming any auditions to join the FYBGF team. In the meantime, I’ll try to find the time/energy to write some new snarks, and post those that are in the drafts.

Also: Glad to hear of a writer who strives for improvement! Best of luck with your work.

#fuckyeahbadgleefic #ask

have you read 'until my dying breath'?

I have, start to finish. I quite liked it too. The pacing was ... unique -- I had no problem with it, but I know many people felt it lasted longer than a sloth's trip across the road. This was due to the vast amounts of repetition, which did build the creepy atmosphere but also reminded me of Poe and how every two lines he would have to go "BUT YES THAT'S MYSTERIOUS EH?" about paranormal events.

It's also necessary to state that, with AUs like this, characterization is a tricky thing. We don't know how they would act as a vampire and its lunch, and while I can see both of them in their characters it isn't exactly perfect. Also, as far as pet peeves in fics go ... the utter lack of canon characters past Kurt and Blaine and the only mentioned Burt and Karofsky is so strange -- but that's a minor complaint.

My biggest problem with it was the ending. I didn't find it particularly satisfying; even endings which are more open should make you feel like something has been achieved (or lost.) While I can respect the way it carried through on many of its themes, at the same time I was really rooting for somebody to go all Buffy on their asses. Blaine had one throw-away thought to the guy who might do it, and then ... nothing.

I know ymmv on this, but for me the story hit its peak in the great chapters where Blaine gives up and lets himself be turned (I cried my eyes out.) After that the vampire!Blaine parts seemed to be building up to something that never happened; a metamorphosis doesn't really work as descending action.

Despite all this, it really was one of the best reads I've had in this fandom, and is a personal favourite. It was creepy, atmospheric, and genuinely dark in a way few fics manage. A twisted love story for the ages.

#ask #p: kurt x blaine

Staying in Character (Grant/You)

... Or Sebastian/You, technically. This is a submission, and we thank them for sending this gem our way because it's about YOU wanting to fuck Grant as he stays IC as Sebastian. Ooh baby *fans self* nothing like a racist, sexist, effemiphobic asshole to really get those juices flowing!

#unsexy sexy times #mary sue #p: person x you #rpf

Are there any authors you think have improved as you read them?

Ever since we got this question we've been trying to figure out if anybody comes to mind, and really, there's nobody in particular. I feel the most improvement comes from younger authors who are just starting out (and are therefore not in Glee Fandom's Who's Who) or they're the sweet, humble types willing to take constructive criticism (once again, not the type you'll find in GFWW.)

Interestingly, one time we were reading a badfic and there was a genuinely pleasing moment of the kind the author never managed before -- and we decided it must have been the beta. After spending more years than we would care to admit editing fanfic and other written works, there comes a realization that frequently, improvement is only due to the often poorly credited beta working behind the scenes.

Hm. Maybe it's time to start the Society for the Promotion of Editor Welfare.

Highschool Secrets (Miley Stewart/Hannah Montana)

Glee officially has 1,758 crossover fics on The Pit, and they range from the bizarre (Winx Club, Garfield) to the “but of course!” category (Victorious, Teletubbies.) I clicked into Hannah Montana, because it's the best of both words.

#genfic #crossover #mary sue #hot for teacher

have any of you ever read Solar Winds?

I have ... somewhat. First ten, most recent three? So beware that my opinion is a little vague.

It's another one of those fics that's dragging its heels. ATLA is a relatively short show, that was masterfully plotted by its creators. In fact, one of them has a great quote about how if you come to him with a story idea and he asks you how it ends and you say "I don't know" he'll just walk away, because he doesn't want to hear it. That's some damn good advice to writers everywhere, and when fics ramble I get the feeling they don't know where they're going. Plotting, especially in longer fics, is very important.

That said, I like how the characters have been fused with the ATLA world, and it manages to feel a lot like both shows. That's pretty impressive, and probably sign that our next spork should be about fusions/crossovers/ect that ... don't work quite as well. After all, it can be very difficult to aim for both without crashing and burning.

In the end, it's an enjoyable fic from what I've read, so I don't have anything in particular against it except the sense of heel-dragging. The chapters may be short, but c'mon, I don't want to read this until it's done and at this rate a Gaga video would be shorter.

#ask #writing tips

Do you critique personally or do you always blog it? I would love to submit my fic, but if it's totally worthless I'd be so embarrassed if it were published as horrible

We do private critiques (of which I'm behind, per usual) so if you don't want it published but would like an opinion, send it away and we promise to keep it confidential (and be gentle.) FYEO and all that jazz.

Your fic probably isn't worthless either. I've said it before and I'll say it again: anyone with the self-awareness to sit up and realize they might need to improve is already lightyears ahead of most of fandom.

What's your opinion on CP Coulter's 'Dalton'? I'm curious.

I'm having so much trouble replying to this. I keep starting, then giving up, because Dalton is in a league of its own. This shit deserves a "How do I describe Regina George?" sequence.

First off, I know the author was all ~hurt by accusations that this fic was practically name-swapped Ouran High Host Club fic, but it's true. I read sixty fucking chapters of that series (the favours you do for friends) and twenty fucking chapters of Dalton (... that one's my own fault) and it only brought upon me a sense of deja vu. It was probably unintentional, but it's there.

Secondly, the humour is so bland. OHHC may have hit some lows plot-wise, but it was at least genuinely funny. Dalton, despite trying for a similar tone is not. Say it with me, children: random is not funny. It can be, if you're a master of timing and can create irony or contrast from it -- but they aren't equivalent. Dalton has not gotten this message, and it pains me.

The dramatic bits aren't exactly scintillating either, seeing as how they all seem like plots from teen shows or soap operas. It also doesn't help that so many of them are centered around a bunch of OCs I don't care about. I've become much more accepting of OCs over the years, but this fic brings me back to the days where I would rather gnaw my own fingers off than read about them. And since the canon characters are pretty damn OOC, they might as well be entirely original creations.

Finally, there's the length. This was just meant to be a fic about "Kurt and Blaine's life in Dalton" but instead it's become this bloated, unwieldy monster stomping around and refusing to die. How can you tell this thing should have ended ages ago? The Klaine fandom, with their notoriously short attention spans, lost interest a dozen chapters ago. Know your audience would be the lesson learned here, and try to, yaknow, keep some focus on the main couple instead of spending entire chapters focused on miscellaneous people.

I don't hate it though. There is a genuine quality to it that is nice, and it's not offensive. (Well, er, I could talk about Logan and Blaine's relationship here -- I once described it for a friend and used the term "heavy object violence." I find the treatment of this so, so bizarre.) The pacing is pretty good too -- the story can be strung out, it's just, why would you want to? Also, notice that I read it past the first chapter, so something there hooked me -- probably the same thing that got all the readers.

And that's Dalton. I will never snark it though. Too goddamn long and too boring to reread.

#ask #p: kurt x blaine

what do you think of little numbers? I think it sucks.

I resent it. Their phone plans are much better than mine, with how much stupid one-word texting they do.

Past that, it's cute. Just ... cute. I'm up-to-date since it's an easy read, and every time I see it getting a 100+ reviews per chapter I just shake my head. I don't understand the fervour it incites in people, the amount of graphics that have been created for it, or the creepy projects made in honour of it. The humour is basic and the romance is bland.

C'mon Klaine fandom. There's gotta be better fics out there to worship. Like ... like ... err ...

I'll get back to you on that.

#ask #p: kurt x blaine

To Answer some General Inquiries

From an anon submitter --

I’m still not sure what to think of you folks, but two questions: 1) Will you ever pay any attention to bad general fic? Because while I know sex ruins everything, and fanfiction is no exception, there HAS to be some bad non-shipping ‘fics, don’t there?

There is. Let me tell you, I love badfic. I happily read it more than the good stuff. And bad gen fic? That's the cream of the fucking crop. It's like reading Glee. It's like reading the Glee novelisations, actually.

But! I realize that our proclivity toward bad shippy fic means that we don't get to enjoy that horror on a regular basis, and it slips our mind to snark. So I don't want anyone to think we ignore that stuff on purpose; in fact, we encourage our dear followers to send in any bad gen fic they can find, while we keep our eyes peeled while searching things like glee camping trip on fanfiction.hell.

2) Ever gotten a submission that you thought was good, or at least not that bad, that the submitter probably sent just because she had a bone to pick with the ship or the author?

Generally, submitters seem to have good badfic radar. We don't run them all, some because they're long and we're lazy, some because we're just lazy, and others because bad ≠ snarkable.

We definitely have grudgey submissions though. When we get those, we just tend to add them to the "will not snark" list and move on without answering.

If people have submitted something and not seen it posted though, I will point out again that the majority of our submissions are awful and we do listen. We're just, as I said in an earlier post, cursed to slowness for a while.

Ta.

Fic: Untitled (Quinn/Shelby)

This fic makes that classic mistake of excusing itself at the beginning with the "This is very very AU" disclaimer. So when we open on Quinn lusting after Will's 'girlfriend' Shelby during rehearsal… no explanation needed! Pretty sure Will and Shelby just made out on his couch that one time, but in this universe Shelby's stuck around and has a dance studio in her tiny 1-bed apartment.

Shelby offers to help Quinn learn some choreography outside of school.

Thankfully everyone else and Mr. Schue had already left Quinn started to do a victory dance

I'm trying to imagine Quinn doing Chandler Bing's victory routine and it just does. not. compute.

“How’s Glee Club going for you Quinn?” asked Anna, Quinn’s older sister

“It’s fine actually I got one-on-one rehearsals with Ms. Corcoran, the woman who’s giving ND some pointers.” Quinn said

“Oh your coach’s girlfriend and your enemy's mother?” Anna questioned

Lord. You know, Shelby Corcoran? Ex-coach of Vocal Adrenaline and adoptive mother of my child? Raven-haired beauty and Puck's fuckbuddy? Multiple Glee club Nationals winner and star of Wicked?

Quinn heads off to Shelby's to get to work on her master plan of seduction.

About 5 minutes later Shelby came back with a CD and some bottles of water and she stopped dead in her tracks when she saw the girl stretching

‘Damn she’s got a nice body, no Shelby stop it she’s underage.’ Shelby thought

I'm pretty sure this was the exact length of Shelby's moral deliberation about Puck, so kudos to the author there.

Then they kiss.

Quinn pulled away first and said, "Let's go somewhere were we'll be more comfortable I mean I could fuck you on the floor but I'd rather not."

Quinn is so considerate and romantic. Even Puck (Puck!) had better lines.

Quinn's lips were on Shelby's once again but it was short lived when Quinn pulled away and Quinn said, "Strip."

Shelby looked at the younger girl like she had two heads.

I've gotta say, I appreciate the author trying not to use too many more of those awful epithets (except 'the younger girl', I suppose), but you can use "she" now and again. I feel like there's two Quinns ganging up on one Shelby, so maybe that explains the two heads thing.

"Damn Shelby you have a fan-fucking-tastic body." Quinn told the older woman Shelby proceeded to finish stripping she grabbed the waist band of her shorts and slowly pulled them down her long legs.

It seems another option is to use both an epithet and a name, just to make sure.

They eventually get down to some pretty average sex.

Shelby’s hands fisted into Quinn’s hair as the girl softly nibbled on her clit.

Does anyone else automatically cringe when they read about clit nibbling? The use of teeth can be acceptable, but nibbling is for hamsters.

“Does that feel good baby? Do you like our pussies grinding against each other?”There went Shelby with the dirty talk again.

No need to sound so happy about it, Quinn. "There she goes again, talking dirty. Will she ever stop?"

#p: quinn x shelby #hot for teacher #femslash

Dancing Lessons (Will/Finn)

I know I said we would be slow, but it bears repeating. We're understaffed at the moment due to unforeseen problems. But! To make it up to you, we have a submission of Will/Finn to share with you. So hit play on Hot for Teacher and then hit the jump, you crazy kids.

McKinley High school was oddly serene at night, maybe because the only thing Finn Hudson had to think about was the teacher dancing in front of him and not when the next slushie facial was coming his way.

Or think about the fact that he wouldn't stop another kid from getting a slushie to the face.

Jokes!

Finn never thinks.

He was in serious need of some one to one lessons with Mr. Schuester

*wink*

because his dancing was the weakest in the group, and that's saying something since Artie was in a wheelchair.

A million Artie stans cry out as one, and are silenced.

"Down! Now watch Finn, this is a little harder" Mr. Schuester bent down touching the ground with his finger tips raising his perfectly toned butt in the air.

Bet Artie couldn't do that. His ass is flat.

Also, he's in a wheelchair. Js.

So Finn gets an inconvenient and awkward boner at this sexy, sexy sight. You could say his penis is saluting, in To Sir, With Love: The Anal Redux.

Mr. Schue did have a smoking body though and he was totally jealous. Sometimes he would image Himself as Mr. Schue fucking Santana, Vanessa Hudgens or Britney Spears when he was wanking.

Vanessa Hudgens? Oh god, that's the search history that Kurt used to blackmail Finn in BIOTA: vanessa hudgens nudes. And maybe high school musical porn.

Finn's short shorts ride up as he sits down, flashing Will, who immediately begins to ponder their relationship:

Finn reminded him a lot of himself when he was younger; a ladies man, show choir star

"You taught me how to be a man," Will and Finn mutter to each other as they stroke each other's faces. "You taught me how to be a ladies man, and a show choir superstar."

Will starts thinking about porn involving guys fucking each other.

Thinking about it got him semi hard so he decided to take his mind of things.

Yeah, getting boners in front of your student is a little hanky. Fighting that makes you a hero of our modern age, you ladies man you.

"So how's your run for Prom King and Queen with Quinn? Going well?" he blurted it, it was a good subject change because he knew Finn would want to talk about it, or so he hoped. "It's going great… I think, Quinn does the campaigning and I just stand back and watch, I don't really mind if we win or loose. It's not important you know? There are more important things than high school titles". Will was shocked at Finns level of maturity, in actual fact he was always shocked and by now he should be used to it.

I'm shocked too. Shocked that anybody wouldn't think Finn constantly mature, with how he always puts Glee club before his reputation.

Wait.

No.

He doesn't.

(A million Finn stans cry out ... ah shit, already used that.)

"Right! Shall we get back to the dancing! I have an idea that might help you loosen up." Will said, gliding into the middle of the floor.

"Anal sex! There's a reason Kurt's so limber."

Finn tries to dig out his iPod, and a condom falls out. Who keeps condoms in their pocket at school? Most optimistic.

Will couldn't help but imagine the condom on Finn's throbbing 17-year-old cock. The blood in his body suddenly rushed south.

Nothing is sexier than safe sex. And statutory rape.

Apparently Finn carries the condom around in case Santana wants another go. Now now, it's not as unlikely as you might think. Santana might want him to buy her another dinner, she's a growing girl who needs strong jaw muscles to perform expert cunnilingus.

"So, iPod?" Will continued. "Oh yeah…" he said handing it over to the teacher "It's Kurt's old one and I haven't had time to upload new songs on so they are…pretty…well…Gay" he nervously began to laugh.

Kurt honestly gave his old iPod to Finn? Hummel, buying sex is pretty scummy. You might want to reevaluate your life choices.

That or buy Blaine something pretty so he'll let you try dead bird sex or whatever kids are into these days.

Finn's eyes travelled downwards towards his teachers firm ass cheeks. He was wearing tight trousers that outlined his butt perfectly. The tent was back and was fully pitched this time round. Mr. Schue was actually a really Hot guy.

God knows you're a sick fuck if you get turned on by an ugly person.

So they start grinding to a sexy song (this one, for the curious. Put it on for the full affect.) They make out, Cocks get hard, and pants come off.

The girth of Mr. Schue's cock was unbelievable; Finn had trouble wrapping his whole hand around it. He was so confused as to why he hadn't tried to make a move on his teacher before.

Probably because you didn't want your anus torn apart by an elephant dick, m'boy.

Pulling the waste band of his students gym shorts forward he slipped a hand in that massaged Finns cock. It was thin but very long and the head was dripping in pre-cum already

Finn Hudson has a pencil dick! No wonder Will's all over it, what kind of teacher could resist that sexy length of HB#2?

After all he didn't want the janitor walking in on him fucking his hottest student so silencing him with kisses was all he could do.

Don't worry Will, we've already established the janitor likes underage booty too. Do you know where your hobbit clone is?

There's some spit-as-lube as Finn fingers his "educator" (lmao, like Will's ever taught him anything. Except how to take it like a man.) This is super hot for the both of them:

Will knew Finn was coming to a climax soon and to be truthful so was he. Finn's fingering into Will's ass was doing a world a good for the teacher.

It's like acupuncture, but for pervy bisexual teachers who like young dick.

There's a beautiful simultaneous orgasm, and we end on this romantic note:

The blissful calm that followed was the purest they had ever encountered

So sweet! Sure, it's the calm before the storm of legal proceedings that follow having a sexual encounter with your seventeen-year-old student, but it's a very pure calm.

#p: will x finn #hot for teacher #unsexy sexy times #submission

A Life With Darren Criss (Darren/You)

With this, FYBGF is slowly grinding back into gear. Enjoy!

Ah, Person/You fics. When somebody decided that Person/Self-Insert wasn't quite pathetic and obsessive enough, and kicked that shit up a notch. Thank you, that person. You led to so many bad fics.

In fact, this isn't the first Darren/You fic I've stumbled across and snarked. While tearing the first apart, I commented that the You read like Bella Swan. And from that point on, I've simply assumed all Person/You fics to be written by her, and to spare the feelings of my readers who surely don't want to hear the abuse of "You are so fucking stupid!" I will call the protagonist of this one Bella too.

The fic starts with Bella washing her hair, home alone because her parents are out. She lives with her parents? How old is she? Is this fic really about Darren getting on a sex offender registry?

She hears a noise, and does down to investigate. With her eyes closed. Top-notch detective work there, Bella. Suddenly, a hand on her arm! A man with a voice she recognizes whispers in her ear, and sex offender!Darren becomes more likely. See how creepy he is:

"Sorry to have corrupted the security of your house, but i needed some help. Am I in troubles?"

Yes ESL Darren, by law people are allowed to access a list of sex offenders who live in their area, and even a simple break-and-entering can do horrible damage to your reputation.

"Relax, I'm not gonna do anything bad. I can be an idiot full-time job, but please don't kill me I'm nice. So don't you worry your beautiful little heads" The man laughed slightly and you opened your eyes slowly a bit afraid of what you could see. The short man with dark curled hair was looking into your eyes with his huge hazel eyes and his beautiful eyelashes, smiling brightly.

Bella has more than one head? Groovy mutation! And Darren, this isn't a time to be laughing, you just broke into her house. You freak.

"Hey, I'm Darren Criss. I like beaches, sushi, and small animals who are nice. And I'm a short little hobbit... hobbit-ish" The man said nicely.

Interview!Darren, I really don't think this is the time. The cops are on their way.

"Whoa! Look, the dreamy girl from a fairy tale can talk!" Darren said jovially. "I never though in a million years that you could talk!"

Okay author, lbr. Darren is a Disneyphile, and can probably recite all the princesses' lines from memory. I'm pretty sure he's aware that fairy tale girl (Disneyfied or not) can talk.

"Huzzah! It seems totally awesome. Do you know how to dress yourself or do you need any help? " Darren pointed at you, smiling naughtily and looking at you amusingly. You realized that you were wearing only a towel and you blushed.

"Smiling naughtily"? More like "smiling like a guy who just broke into your house to hit on you like Edward 2.0." Though of course Bella loves that.

Bella provides Darren with applesauce ("Yummy! Applesauce... i love that cause applesauce is delicious") and leaves to get dressed.

Gurl, what? Throw him down and fuck him on the floor a la Shaggy. I can't believe this Darren/You fic will be playing coy with me.

You took the clothes you were going to were at night and then you dressed. You looked into the mirror once more time and tried to fix your hair at least a little. Concentrated fixing your hair, you didn't realize that Darren was standing in your bedroom door, looking at you amusingly.

Christ on a fucking cracker, Darren really is Edward. I'm calling him that from now on, I refuse to associate this:

"Hopefully you can feel the warmth of my body" Darren whispered in your ear seductively.

With a guy not particularly known for breaking into the home of teenage girls to stalk them around their house and hit on them innapropriately.

The only defense of real!Darren is that he's stoned out of his mind, which seems possible enough:

"I was expecting some help because my car broke down. But i found something better, it's all connected, man!" Darren whispered in your ear and kissed near you mouth softly, looking into your eyes deeply.

"Now let's go read Cracked and eat cheetos."

Darren Criss took the opportunity to kiss you in your lips softly. You could feel his mouth. It was warm and softly. He tasted as pink and some coffee.

After stealing a kiss, Dedward quotes more Darren interviews and then takes off into the night, leaving behind a note in Tagalog (?) which I can't read, but I'm sure if I could it would say "lol gotta go the popo are coming."

You should know that his excuse to get into her house was that his car was broken, but he leaves without calling a tow truck. Ew.

Next chapter appears to not exist in the same continuum as the last, as it begins with protagonist (Bello, for simplicity's sake) getting off of the plane at LAX with a dream and a cardigan -- it's the land of fame, excess, is she going to fit in?

Who knows -- she's too hipster to care:

You didn't have so much money, so you decided to stay in a simple hostel. All you wanted was to walk through that wonderful city, not get all the luxury. The driver was driving carefully without speaking until you finally arrived. You paid him and then he helped you to lower the luggage from the trunk. Once you got into the hostel room, you left the luggage and decided to take that walk you always wanted to take. So you took the camera and went outside. You didn't know where to go, so you asked someone to tell you where you could go.

Stalking the streets, she sees a blonde girl fall over and have a seizure. Oh no, what could it be? Pokemon episode? Breaking Dawn? Or, as Bello will learn after rushing to the girl's aid and going with her to the hospital, serious epilepsy, because this girl is ...

Ahem. Drum roll, please?

*drum roll*

... Hannah Colfer!

...

.....

.......

I was going to just say *breaks drumset* but really, only Vanilla Ice can truly capture how I feel here.

So now that I'm sufficiently creeped out, Chris shows up, all but sparkling like some anime bishounen. He wants to reward Bello for dragging his non-famous sister into this mess, but she says no and runs off. But he manages to track her down:

"I told you that I needed to thank you, miss. This is my way to pay you back all you have done for my sister" - Chris said, giving you a bouquet of flowers with a note. "How...how did you find me?" - You answered, receiving the flowers amazed. "Oh it was easy" - Chris shrugged with his shining smile - "Just get to have a little reputation, talk to the doctors and you're gonna get all you want" - Chris said winking at you and giggling slightly.

Chris wishes he was famous enough to get pinfo from doctors. Wait, did he write this fic? Suddenly so much makes sense. Like how perfectly charming he is. Where is the awkward duckling who talks about peeing his pants in front of ladies? I don't get this "Miss, please come with me, ladies first" stuff.

"I hope you don't mind if I sing, currently I'm practicing high notes in some songs for a TV show where I work" - Chris said when the first song ended.

Braggart. I bet he keeps his Golden Globe in the glovebox.

So they go out to dinner together, and Chris is humble and sweet and funny and perfect [for your Emmy Consideration 2012!] and even gives Bello a kiss on the cheek goodnight.

Next day, he takes her to the Glee set, and Bello is overwhelmed:

Chris just looked at you sweetly and hugged you trying to make you feel comfortable. At that moment, you dropped all your tears of joy. He just rubbed your back and wiped your tears away. Then he just looked into your eyes tenderly and patted your head.

Ahh, creepily paternal Colfer. Next he'll take her to the amusement park and win her a stuffed bear, but she has to promise to eat her vegetables first!

"Chris thanks God you're here now. We have to cancel everything. The actress who was going to act it just quit the job. We don't have alternate actresses" - Ryan said nervous and stressed. "What? How is it possible? She was very sure about it. I don't understand" - Chris said frowning. - "Try to relax, Ryan. You'll find an actress soon."

This is actually what I picture the Glee set to be like:

panicked!bratty!Ryan about to shut down the entire show over one tiny problem

Chris having to be the one to reassure him, because Ian is off mourning the fact that no1curr about him and Brad penning the next great Grilled Cheesus

Chris being very in-the-know about everything on set and practically acting as a producer

Who runs this mother? Chris!

So you don't need me to tell you that Bello gets cast in the place of the actress. (Ryan casting someone on the fly like that? Believable as well.) She performs better than a "real actress" (Ryan's words, but when you have to work with people like most of the Glee cast, anybody's a shining star in comparison) and the author slips up:

He took me into his office and then he made you sign some kind of contract.

See that? That's my beloved self-insert getting swallowed by an inane urge to do something ~different. God I hate second person. I mean, c'mon. I would never sign a contract with Ryan Murphy without getting it double- and triple-checked by lawyers and making sure I had an escape clause when he gets too maniacal.

Sorry Bello baby, but you just signed your soul over to the Devil.

Don't worry though! She gets Darren out of the deal, because Darren is Glee property. A creepy, creepy one:

"Pavarotti's ghost told me that there was a new actress on the cast. A very talented and beautiful girl. Once again, Pavarotti has told me the truly secret"

"Chris," Ryan looked over at Darren and Bello. "Darren's talking about bird ghosts again."

"I'll get the tranq gun," Chris answered with a sigh.

Darren Criss was smiling to you and you couldn't say anything before he hugged you. You thought it couldn't get better, now Darren Criss, the man you've been looking for forever was hugging you. Since that moment, you forgot even what life was.

Because he killed her on Pavarotti's behalf, right?

Your friendship with Darren was kinda weird. He was cute and nice since the first time you met. Inside you, you loved him. You always loved him, since that time you were just a fan who knew all his songs, saw all his performing, his live streams, you watched AVPM and AVPS.

"Inside" Bello loved him? Sure, if you call reblogging every Darren gif possible, sending him fan mail, screaming whenever he appears on screen and rushing the stage door keeping your love "inside."

Wait, am I just projecting on her? Dammit, the You got to me!

(That's a joke, people. I would never rush the door, but rather wait patiently for Darren to notice me and carry me off to a life of bliss.)

Darren shows up at the World's Swankiest Hostel while Bello is in a towel, apparently a reoccurring theme. Darren has bought her an expensive dress, and I can't help but wonder why he's all over her. My theory, of course, is that Chris used his executive power to force Darren to date Bello as a reward for saving Hannah.

To express his pain over this, Darren plays a heart-wrenching version of Not Alone. Bello seems to think he's singing to her, but I doubt it. Then we would be getting a nameswapped version of Sami. "Oh yoooouuuu, yooooouuuuuu, whatever the words are, yoooooouuuu~"

"Well, everyone here knows that we're celebrating, if we can tell it like that, your farewell." Ryan pointed you "Everyone here knows how talented you are and how you gave bright to this show we call Glee. But every character has its end, so that happened with your character. But when I walk in the street..." Ryan was walking around the stage, jovially

Ryan's jovial? I hope Chris still has that tranq gun.

"...people stop me to say -hey man, we love her, we need her in the show- and I'm like -well, but a script is a script, we cannot change the destiny of each character- Yeah" Ryan made a funny face and everyone laughed and you tried to do the same. Darren stood up to go away and leave the party in the middle of Ryan's speech.

Good call, Darren. I imagine trying to watch Ryan perform stand-up is equivalent to getting your balls crushed.

So Bello gets to stay on the show! She needs a place to live though, as the World's Swankiest Hostel will get tired of her eventually.

Ryan gets her accommodation living with ... Chris! I smell a sitcom!

"Oh, and don't curse at me, miss." Chris looked proudly, smiling. You just looked at him incredulous. "Now, go on and celebrate your big moment!" After Chris said this, he and Ryan left.

Paternal!Colfer makes a comeback, and leaves with Ryan ... which, er. Let me just say, if Bello's going to be living with Chris from now on she better buy earplugs -- unless she likes the sound of monotonous moans and bald heads getting spit-shined.

Blah blah Christmas with Darren, they start up a tumblr account to show their love to the world (I would call that photoshopadventureswithdarren, but), author creepily knows the names of Darren's parents, blah, another rendition of Not Alone. Zero points for originality there, but they'll be sleeping together regardless so he probably isn't trying too hard.

And that's two separate but equally heartwarming tales about you and Darren Criss falling in love. Hold it close to your heart, because it's all you'll ever get.

#p: person x you #wishful thinking

Can we submit a fic for snarking under anon in your ask box, or must it be non-anon/have ye the time to do any snarking right now?

Of course! Problem is, asks don't allow links, so you have to give us directions to the fic.

Another option though is to use [email protected] as the email while submitting, which helps you retain anonymity and still have the conveniences of Submit (like being able to put links in.)

Holidays have made things slower here at BadGleeFic towers, but I assure you that we note every ask/submit we get, and will do our best to get to the badfics people recommend for snarking.

Fic: Sweating Bullets (Brittany/Santana)

I want to wholeheartedly thank the nonnie who submitted Sweating Bullets for snarking. I read the first few paragraphs assuming it was your average wishful rewrite of 'Duets' from a Brittana perspective, with some terrible typos and boring, drawn-out exposition.

I was so, so pleasantly surprised when it turned out to be an 'Artie goes completely insane' rewrite instead.

After Brittany breaks up with Artie, she wastes no time going to get her girl.

She walks up behind the smaller girl and wraps her arms around the Latina's waste placing her chin on her tanned shoulder.

Unfortunately the author made this 'waist'/'waste' typo more than once, leaving me legitimately wondering if it was a sneak-attack scat fic.

Anyway. The good stuff doesn't start until about halfway through, when Artie finds Quinn in the hallway while he's looking for Brittany.

"Tell me where she is!" He yells, reaching into his pocket. Quinn's eyes widen when she sees him pull out a gun, pointing it at her.

"Artie I don't know I swear!" She says, putting her hands up in defense as tears begin filling her eyes. She had known he was upset about Brittany breaking up with him, but this was outrageous. She had know idea Artie was capable of anything like this. Next thing she knows, she hears the gun being fired, and feels herself collapse to the ground as a pain shoots through her body like lightning.

I know, Quinn. It really is outrageous!

Some of New Directions hear the shot and come running, while Artie disappears. I'm not sure why he shot her and left, I guess he needs to work on his interrogation skills.

Brittany and Santana decide they'd better run for it -

They were steadily approaching the door; their exit, when Artie rolls out in front of them, making them stop abruptly as he smiles wickedly at the two gripping the gun firmly in his hand.

Can you imagine Artie smiling wickedly? I really really can't. Also, pick a tense and stick to it, people!

"What do you want?" Brittany asks, finding her voice. She steps out form behind Santana who gave her a weary look, but let her continue to stand next to her. Maybe she could talk some sense into Artie without anyone else getting hurt.

What business does Santana have being weary while a madman is threatening her girlfriend? She must just be so tired of this shit; people are always pointing guns in her face, shooting her friends, outing her in public...

Obviously Artie shoots Brittany too, and then wheels away, presumably satisfied he's fulfilled his role as Creator of Angst.

"I'm…so…c-cold." She stutters out making Santana hold her as closely to her as possibly

Sometimes clichés physically hurt me, much like the pain that shot through Quinn's body like lightning.

Eventually ambulances arrive and take Quinn and Brittany to hospital and guess what? They both make a full recovery! It's just... it's all a bit boring. Having ground my way through a surprisingly dull gun rampage, I expected some death and tears for my trouble.

Thankfully, the climax of these horrible events is Artie's funeral.

"He…." Brittany starts, only to be cut off by sobs wracking her body. Santana just holds her close, rocking her slightly back and forth, soothingly. "He…killed himself." She finally stutters out. "Because of me."

Yes, more info dumping. Luckily Britt isn't broken up about it for too long.

Everyone was starting to leave the sight, except Artie's parents who were kneeling down in front of the headstone, holding one another. She looks over at Santana, meeting her warm, and caring gaze. "Thank you." Brittany says, sincerely, offering the girl a small smile.

"I love you." Santana whispers lying her head on the blonde's shoulder.

"I love you too." Brittany replies, resting her head on her girlfriends as they continue making their way out of the cemetery.

I hope Artie's parents aren't watching this heartlessness. The author has committed hardcore character assassination, their son has killed himself, and Brittana are living happily ever after five minutes later.

#p: brittany x santana #character assassination #character death #femslash #angst

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