4 Common Wishes About Sex (That Could Actually Make It Worse)
Sex, as most of us know and enjoy, is a bit of a tricky subject for a lot of people. Most everyone has different standards for what constitutes as 'good' or 'bad, ' but there are some things that a lot of people tend to have in common when it comes to having sex with someone. There are entire industries built on 'penis enlargement' pills or Viagra and its instant erections. What most people don't stop to think about is how subjective these things are and how not every woman necessarily WANTS nor has the physical capacity to deal with an 8-inch penis. This piece will explore the most common wishes or critiques in regards to sex and showcase the genuine likelihood that your partner has no interest in what you would consider an 'improvement.' The piece is not gender-specific in regards to the exact desires one would want to change.
Personally, I feel most sexual encounters don't include nearly enough Jelly Bellies. Not for anything sexual, though. Just as a nice way to treat yourself afterwards.
In what universe did you think we were in that the size of a man's penis wasn't at the top of the wish list? The only place where that wouldn't be true is Xanadu, and that's only because cocaine and roller blades don't allow for the most accurate penetration. No, penis size is definitely a mainstay on the male wish list much the same as "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" is at your cousin Stacy's wedding as well as the prominent placement of an elderly relative at that same wedding just to remind everyone that death is always near, so you should cherish life.
"Okay, Gram Gram. I'm gonna need you to do me a solid and stop speaking Hebrew while standing next to the buffet table. People think you're putting a hex on the potato salad."
What most people don't realize is that there are a variety of penises, in a variety of sizes, because there are a variety of vaginas/anuses/grapefruit with a hole cut in it, and it is most certainly not a case of one size fits all.
While this is not necessarily a situation that can become a problem in your twenties and early thirties, studies show that as women become older, their vaginas pretty much, for lack of a more precise term, feng shui it's living quarters into a relatively smaller, cozier abode. The likelihood of hitting a woman's cervix (which, I'm told, is more painful than getting kicked in the balls and watching the entire run of Burn Notice COMBINED.) becomes exponentially more so with every inch. For this reason, most experts say the ideal metric of a big penis would be in girth instead of length.
Now, since we're already on this interstate of explicit sexual information, we can't just drive past the exit for that ass, now can we? In this regard, the anus is more at risk than the vagina considering that it doesn't produce its own natural lubricants like the vagina can. This means that tears and fissures can become more of a concern than it would otherwise be if your partner were just of average size.
This is not to say that the no pants dance has to be less enjoyable than a Mormon Sock-Hop if your man-bits are larger than average, just that more precaution needs to be taken regarding both you and your partner(s)'s safety. In light of all this, wouldn't you rather just be short, but fierce like Bruce Lee instead of the towering, but cumbersome Kareem Abdul Jabbar?
If you're gonna stand there and tell me that this isn't a ready made advertisement for a gentleman's condom then I don't want to live on this planet anymore.
Personally, I feel that if sexual congress (from foreplay to rolling over exhausted and picking up your phone to see what's happening on Facebook) lasts longer than an episode of Seinfeld, then someone had better gimme a Gatorade and a pep talk cause I'm breaking down, coach!
She keeps...telling me...to do a 'pooch kick'...it can't mean what I think it means...it can't.
There are more than a few men that can vividly recall experiencing the embarrassment that comes with having a challenger situation occur. (You know. A lot of planning and excitement that leads to untimely explosions and nationwide mourning. That one.) So much so that there are homebrew techniques men have perfected if they feel like they're being pushed and getting close to the edge (s/o to Grandmaster Flash). From the 'imagine your Grandmother bathing naked while eating raw tilapia' to 'Ted Cruz doing __,' there's no shortage of rumored ways to approach staying in control. But is lasting longer really such a good thing?
Well, The Journal of Sexual Medicine did a hard hitting (eh? eh? I'll see myself out.) piece about just this back in 2008 and concluded that 1-2 minutes of sex was "too short", 7-13 minutes of sex was "desirable", and 10-30 minutes was "what the hell is wrong with you? You're not going to Vietnam, and I'm not a pornstar. Get off of me." Also, in one of the rare instances of parity between the genders in the sexual arena, the study also mentions that both men and women worry about whether or not they're taking too long.
"A lot of women worry, especially when receiving oral sex, thinking, Is this taking too long? Are they enjoying themselves? How soon am I going to come?" says Kerner. "That kind of anxiety can really delay orgasm and inhibit pleasure."
Not to mention that most vaginas are only capable of being steam pistoned for so long before they run the risk of becoming dryer than David Sedaris' novels. When that happens, prolonged soreness, bleeding, tears and a whole host of other unpleasant physical reactions can occur. In the end, it would appear that sex should last exactly how long both you and your partner(s) should decide it lasts. Or, if you're like me, you put on a video of the Thundercats opening credits on youtube to play in the back ground and if neither of you orgasm by the time Lionel says "HOOOOOO!" then you call it a day. Try again tomorrow.
If I were to ask you to imagine the dirty talk scene from one of your more saucy movies of preference, chances are it would be something palatable for a wide audience. Something like "Oooh baby! You get me so hot!" or "Aww yeah, we're already an hour and twenty minutes into this movie, so I'm probably not going to be able to have a complex character arc as a woman. Might as well fuck." The point is that the concept of dirty talk can be many different things to many different people. A lot of these verbiage hurdles can be passed just by getting to know your partner while also paying especially close attention to what they do or do not respond to. But for the emotionally unavailable, unlovable homunculus amongst us (Hi!), you may have a partner that fully appreciates dirty talk in addition to you having all the intuition and sexual navigation skills of Google Maps in a dead zone.
If these circumstances apply to you, then I advise you to consider the potential pratfalls for dirty talk and avoid it like the 'ex-con uncles' table at the family reunion cookout. For instance, where some people like to comment on the size of their partner's penis, some like to get too specific. Hearing that your penis is smaller than her ex's but is "so comfy and cozy I just want to knit it a little hat" may sound encouraging on paper, but less so at the moment. The same goes asking someone to "fuck you like Reagan did the middle-class" or (true story) making the same noise as the Owl from the Tootsie Roll commercial whenever your partner performs oral sex. Essentially, vague, ambiguous encouragement is usually the best route if familiarity is going to be a factor during your encounter. For every instance of dirty talk that made your body arc like that scene in The Ring when the girl spider-walked into my nightmares, there are even more occasions in which the dirty talk fell flat.
TFW your dirty talk ends with "...get off like R.Kelly"
Who doesn't like being in control? I, for one, love it so much that, to this day, I refuse to watch as a Subway sandwich artist makes my sandwich FOR me. I'll do it myself because I'm an American and I will freedom the shit out of this meatball parm, so will you PLEASE pass me the goddamn marinara sauce, Brendan!?! Saying that, every now and again, it's refreshing to cede control to a willing party. Especially when it comes to matters of the loins and the activities to be found within. Having someone else steer the coitus tortoise can be a welcome change or even a lifestyle choice for those who feel fulfilled by following the whims of another.
In a heterosexual context, men are expected to be the aggressive/dominant partner, but that can be constraining for men who identify as submissive. What if the partner is a female who has no experience being the aggressor and can only muster a tone with all the edge of a drunk puppy. What if she slaps bear all the weight of an overly-self aware and increasingly unaroused feather. But that's just an example for straight people. Consider the confusion that would occur between two gay men who haven't discussed which one of them tops and who bottoms. The puzzlement between two women, neither of whom enjoy being penetrated, who brought enough penetrative marital aids to conquer a small country with.
Much like this. Except with disturbingly graphic marital aides.
I guess the lesson here would be that a discussion of ground rules is just as important as a prophylactic. And just as likely to leave you without a cringe-worthy memory that only emerges during your morning shower.
The metaphor used to be "You can't get the motor running without starting the ignition first, " but since the invention of the Tesla with its push start engine and rabbit-whisper like electric motor, it doesn't hold up. I've been conditioned to just pushing a button and getting what I want so if I can't even find YOUR button, shouldn't you just take one for the home team and make sure that I at least get a win? That's inexcusably selfish and inherently misogynistic, you say? Yeah, okay, that's fair.
But, as I've been told numerous times, foreplay serves not only as an indicator of your attentiveness, but it 'sets the stage' so to speak. For women, this means that the vagina has more time to lubricate itself adequately and even expand in preparation for the penis/penis-like instrument. For men, this means that your penis has enough time to become erect which allows it to safely adjust to the sudden shift in blood flow thereby avoiding prematurely going softer than Drake after watching 13 Reasons Why.
Kanye just sent me 13 packages filled with my CDs and mixed tapes and he's not picking up the phone when I call. Should I be worried?
Someone devoting significant time and effort to make all to make sure that our sexual experience is as gratifying as unwrapping a million Ferrero Rochers is a pre-requisite for most people. The only question would be: what if that went on and on and on ad nauseam? What if the entire exercise consisted of only foreplay and nothing else? Merriam-Webster's defines foreplay as “erotic stimulation preceding sexual intercourse.” which, admittedly, can have various interpretations but the operative word is still 'precedes.' My only contention is that foreplay can go too long and eclipse the organic transition from 'Fuck Town-adjacent' to 'signing the lease for a 30-year mortgage in one of Fuck Town's most prestigious neighborhoods.' There is such a concept as "too much of a good thing, " and too much foreplay can be categorized as such.
