5 DIY Tasks To Brighten Your Home (And Distract You From Increasingly Worrisome Symptoms)
The average person's life is often dictated by a daily routine that is as rote as it is predictable. Perhaps due to an itinerary that is regularly bursting at the seams with unfulfilling obligations and razor thin deadlines. With the burden of responsibility firmly set on your shoulders, when do you find time to indulge the occasional hobby? Or, say, craft furniture that speaks to the gradients of your character in a manner that no retail store can claim.
Who says you can't invoke the expert eye of an interior decorator in the style of Tv's Tim Gunn in order to utilize whatever negative space or lack of character may be present in your home? Just make it work, honey! Such projects might not be too much of a pressing concern for most, but tasks like these are meant to enliven the space in which you call your home.
How fulfilling would it be to repurpose unwanted furniture into something sleek and coveted?
To add elements of charm and personality to what may otherwise be a staid and drab decor motif?
How about diverting your mental energies away from the increasingly alarming implications from the unexplained (and severe) maladies you've been experiencing recently?
Whatever the (potentially life-threatening) reason is for your sudden interest in completing projects that will outlast the frail confines of your mortality may be, we here at Fukette would like to offer some suggestions on projects you could do at home by yourself.
(Obviously, while you're simultaneously engaging in the futile practice of ignoring all the probable signs of your body slowly turning against you in a manner more befitting the dread-inducing visions of your worst nightmares.)
Just festive enough for the holidays and fear-inducing enough to remind you that a timely colonoscopy appointment could've prevented this
You don't remember ingesting anything particularly spicy or in any way volatile. Then again, you do recall a bit of intestinal discomfort from the night before, but you had just chalked it up to the stress you've been experiencing at work as a result of working long hours to earn that Managing Partner promotion.
The timming alone could be called tragic in it's own right! I mean, you're only one or two fiscal quarters, at the most, from getting the position and now you have to deal with this?!? Your unceasing ambition and inability to separate your work from your personal life have already claimed your relationship with your ex-fiancee, Jennifer, this past January. What was the point of having gone through such emotional havoc and psyche ravaging despair if not to have it all pay off in the end?
Just don't worry about it. It's nothing so you should STOP. WORRYING. ABOUT. IT.
Put it out of your head, and focus on the task at hand: Feeding these Bluebirds that're so cute, adorable, and more than likely not brimming with what you fear are precancerous cells. Perhaps use the bloody tissue as a fake carnation or decorative bow?
Think more "decorative flair with a personal touch" and less "collapsed anus as a result of indeterminable internal illness."
2. Secure Your Cabinets with Fasteners
If this world were perfect, we would all have cabinets that didn't require some harried, dilapidated fix to keep it from rebounding open after every initial attempt to close it. After all, there's a limit to the efficacy of the tried and true combination of scotch tape, and the ardent denial that you are at a perilous crossroads between your health and acknowledging that immediate, professional help may be the determining factor in you having any future not spent six feet below ground.
Lifehack For the Lifeless: Just because your body is no longer able to function, process cognitive stimuli, verbalize thoughts, etc. doesn't mean that you can't place some fun decals on the inside as an expression of your personality. Will your family and friends be crying at the funeral or laughing at your brand of humor...nope, they'll probably just be crying.
That's why we're here to recommend the efficient and cheap option in cabinet catchers. You can find them with ease at your local Home Depot or Lowe's. They're relatively straightforward to install, and the instructions are easy enough to understand.
Or, at least, the would be if you didn't constantly have to deal with all the sudden bouts of confusion that defy explanation. You experienced one yesterday as you were paying for your groceries in the checkout line at Kroger, remember? A sudden wave of nausea followed by blurry vision immediately took hold of your senses and, as you struggled to assess the situation and regain your equilibrium, you awoke to find yourself bent over the cash register while in the middle of a dry heave as a thin trickle of blood was running from your nose. So shaken were you by the experience that you brusquely waved away the Kroger employees attempting to help you as you stumbled as quickly as possible towards your car. Your brow remained drenched in a cold sweat while you spent the next hour repeating "I'm fine, I'm fine" as some ersatz mantra in some futile effort to regulate your body. As your vehicle sat stationary in the parking lot, the memories of past failures and prematurely ended relationships competed for attention in your mind's eye. The regret you felt because of them overwhelmed you as you wept silently, alone, in your 2011 Toyota.
Maybe use the unpredictable bouts of dizziness and the ensuing episodes of unconsciousness to think about what cabinets around your house could benefit the most from the door catchers?
3. Refinish An Old Park Bench
See what you can create after applying a bit of elbow grease and cheap refinishing supplies? Nice touch with the decorative pillows, as well. Especially considering how inexplicably tired you've been getting as of late.
We've all borne witness to this sight often enough that it almost becomes cliche: You're driving down the street, trying to ignore the persistent hand tremors that threaten to steer you and your vehicle into someone's front yard and maybe even a wall of their house, and you see an old, discarded bench just sitting on the curb. Items like these can be used to--hey..um....
yells to get the attention of the crew
Hey! That guy doesn't look too good. Can someone go over and check on him, please?
inaudible response from off mic
Yeah, no we can go on in a minute. It's just, like, his head is lying face down on the steering wheel, and I'm not seeing any rise or fall from his chest--shit-- yo, I don't think he's breathing!
It's okay! We'll just call it "How To Stay Mobile: Don't Let Slipping Into A Coma Steal Your Independence!"
Goes over to the car and leans towards the unconscious man
NO! FUCK! Hey, man he's not breathing at all! We've got to fucking do something!
inaudible response from off mic
What the fuck do you mean "finish the script" !?! There is no fucking script without this dude, and, from the looks of it, we're gonna have to Weekend At Bernie's the rest of the damn thing if we don't get him to a fucking hospital immediately so stop dicking around!
inaudible response from off mic
Fuck You! I don't care if it goes against the premise. A man is dying in a 2011 Toyota Corolla, and I cannot think of a more depressing sentence in the English language. You can finish this Pinterest pandering horseshit yourself if you want to!
pulls out a cell phone and frantically dials 911
I'm gonna make sure a man doesn't die in a sedan.
inaudible response from off mic
And you mention a contract? Now? Honestly, bro?
Alright, fine, but don't expect some Geico-level shit. I'm talking drunk baby lawyer commercial quality at best. Now hurry the fuck up before we all catch a body today!
Cute,right? Forget about the (probably) dead body we just showed you up there, yet? No? That's cool we've got more puppy pictures.
Put a fucking dog in a suitcase, I don't give two shits-yes, hi, I need an ambulance right away!
Yes, a man is passed out on the steering wheel and has what looks to be Quaker Oats coming out from the side of his mouth....
...that's not Quaker Oats?
This message was brought to you by the good people at Quaker Oats: Looks the same coming out as it did going in!
5. Clothes Hanger Jewellery Storage
Protip: Take the clothes hanger and insert it, hook first, into the widest part of your asshole-
turns back towards cellphone
Yes, we're on the corner of North and Piedmont. I'm not sure....I nudged him with a nearby tree branch, and he still hasn't moved.
Yes, I was aware of his failing health before the call.
No. No. No, no I didn't call because...reasons that I now realize will not hold up in a court of law.
Yes, I have every inclination to hang up the phone and leave the scene of the, in your words,crime.
Yes, your use of the word "crime" did factor into my decision to flee.
Police: Whoops! If you didn't wanna get shot then why'd you look suspicious?©
Thank you, I'm going to start running now.
drops phone and turns towards Fukette crew
It's the 12! 12 is on the block? Donny! Get the tupperware and take whatever you can from craft services! Alex! If the van isn't started and ready to go in 10 seconds then so help me god I will personally shit in both of your daughters' lunchboxes! Move people MOVE! I repeat! This is not a drill! Niggas roll out!
Fukette crew scatters away from the unconscious man as the sound of an ambulance and police sirens get closer
