❛ pine has no place in this loft. it’s the wood of poor people and outhouses. ❜
❛ are you cooking a frittata in a sauce pan ? what is this prison ? ❜
❛ know this : your caveman ideas about manhood are so over. manhood today is about exfoliation, cheese courses, emotional honesty and paxil. ❜
❛ guess whose personalized condoms just arrived ! ❜
❛ we’re broenemies. he’s my fremesis. ❜
❛ can we just take a moment to celebrate me ? ❜
❛ damn it ! i can’t find my driving moccasins anywhere. ❜
❛ ___ is delicate. like a flower. like a chubby, damaged flower who hates himself. ❜
❛ i can’t talk right now. i’m writing a strongly worded email to my florist. ❜
❛ i’m gonna have to run all the way home and i have my slipperiest loafers on. ❜
❛ can you please get my towel ? it’s in my room next to my irish walking cape. ❜
❛ bathtubs are medieval filth cauldrons. ❜
❛ you have found my flabbergast button, and guess what ? you’ve pressed it. ❜
❛ it’s like you’re ripping the side block out of my mental jenga ! i’m totally falling apart. ❜
❛ it makes me angry and scared all the same time. just like when i hear the phrase ‘ academy aware winner anna paquin. ‘ ❜
❛ man to man, you didn’t wanna wear something, i dunno, a little more form-flattering ? you know, like a pile of towels ? the number eight ? ❜
❛ you’re listening to the radio and writing with a pen. what decade are we in ? ❜
❛ walk with dignity, you giant toddler ! ❜
❛ do you just walk around all day thinking about other people’s feelings ? how do you get anything done ? ❜
❛ she has a flip phone ! she’s either poor or a time traveller. ❜
❛ if you’ll excuse me, i have to go water my succulents. ❜
❛ without ash to rise from, the phoenix would just be a bird getting up. ❜
❛ now, as my best friend, i expect you to be willing to sacrifice everything for me at a moment’s notice including, of course, unfortunately for you, your dignity. ❜
❛ you were denied a cell phone because you have the credit score of a homeless ghost ! ❜
❛ where do you even buy sheets like this ? they have the thread count of a paper towel. ❜
❛ they don’t hate me because i’m old, they hate me because of my personality. ❜
❛ hey, m. night shyamalan. i’ve got a twist ending for you : shut up ! ❜
❛ back in high school, they used to call me ‘ the sex haver’. ❜
❛ my whole life is you. ❜
❛ ARE YOU A CRIMINAL ?! FROM THE STATISTICS ? ❜
❛ i look like a 70′s divorce attorney. ❜
❛ i simply want a demographic breakdown of all the guys who hit on you. ❜
❛ i’m like a sexual snowflake. each night with me is a unique experience. ❜