* JOHN MULANEY ; THE COMEBACK KID.
❛ we’ve all gone too big too fast and then run out of the room. ❜ ❛ block letters and cursive look good together! ❜ ❛ yeah, but the past is the past. ❜ ❛ i mean we’re all violent here, but you’re very friendly. ❜ ❛ i don’t give off that vibe. ❜ ❛ you could pour soup in my lap and i’ll probably apologize to you. ❜ ❛ i’m so open and vulnerable. ❜ ❛ i love saying “my wife”, it sounds so adult. ❜ ❛ marriage is gonna be very magical. ❜ ❛ ooh, who’s that fella? i bet he did kill his wife. ❜ ❛ how could another person kill someone? ❜ ❛ i’m not gonna do it, but i totally get it. ❜ ❛ it’s creepy to have an ex out there after things have ended badly. ❜ ❛ anyone who’s seen my dick and met my parents has to die. ❜ ❛ that’s not even a situation. ❜ ❛ hey, you seen any loose milk? ❜ ❛ i don’t know if you can tell that from the… everything about me. ❜ ❛ … and a hush falls over the room. ❜ ❛ isn’t it weird how that became a scandalous thing? ❜ ❛ it was just some boring shit i had to do on weekends. ❜ ❛ aw, she’s ugly! ❜ ❛ wouldn’t you give like a million dollars to see that wedding video? ❜ ❛ ‘cause you know how you lie to your parents? ❜ ❛ what? huh? what? when? when? ❜ ❛ let’s see, what problems can we solve? ❜ ❛ that’s not how you talk. ❜ ❛ let’s change it to trick ___. ❜ ❛ it’s like having a baby that’s also a grandma. ❜ ❛ oh, the things i have seen, you cocksucker. ❜ ❛ ___ is my best friend in the world, i give her a million kisses a day. ❜ ❛ you are no longer the alpha of the house. ❜ ❛ look upon your sovereign, ___, and tremble! ❜ ❛ it’s haunted, but it has a lovely kitchen backsplash. ❜ ❛ i love real estate agents. i mean, they are the true heroes. ❜ ❛ it was like hanging out with my mom. ❜ ❛ they always have that ‘fun mom’ energy. ❜ ❛ so, there’s no toilets. ❜ ❛ well yeah, that’s how all of life works. ❜ ❛ this is an on - fire garbage can. ❜ ❛ this is an on - fire garbage can. could be a nursery. ❜ ❛ sometimes babies will point at me, and i don’t care for that shit at all. ❜ ❛ you’re never too young to learn our national no - snitching policy. ❜ ❛ fell deadly silent, is what they all did. ❜ ❛ no one wants to applaud the penis of a 32 - year old weirdo. ❜ ❛ i had no supervision when i was a kid. ❜ ❛ i grew up before children were special. ❜ ❛ i’m so horny and angry all the time. ❜ ❛ and i have no outlet for it, so… eggs. ❜ ❛ i think emily dickinson’s a lesbian. ❜ ❛ you can imagine the kind of stress that i’m under. ❜ ❛ i’m telling you three weeks in advance. ❜ ❛ that’s exactly what you won’t ask. ❜ ❛ and then, he ordered one black coffee for himself, and kept driving. ❜ ❛ in retrospect, that’s the funniest thing i’ve ever seen in my life. ❜ ❛ what do you do to afford v-necks, ___? ❜ ❛ ah, numbers. the letters of math. ❜ ❛ no one look at me or i’ll kill myself. ❜ ❛ thank you, no one will ever see me again! ❜ ❛ who could she have been talking to? ❜ ❛ i need you to believe me. ❜ ❛ one feels like a duck when one is splashing around in all this wet! ❜ ❛ i think about that every goddamn day. ❜ ❛ that’s the wonderful thing about crazy people, you know? ❜ ❛ eat ass, suck a dick, and sell drugs. ❜ ❛ a very upsetting thing to hear, yes? ❜ ❛ if you eat ass and suck enough dick, one day you can sell drugs. ❜ ❛ one black coffee. same motherfucker. ❜ ❛ my feet were not on the ground. ❜ ❛ he never forgets a bitch, ever. ❜ ❛ then it is revealed that she has NO hand. ❜ ❛ you have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclaire. ❜
