@fvckmyaesthetic - Tumblr Blog

#i wish so much of my life wasn’t defined by shit that happened when I was 16 fucking years old #but here I am. just turned 21 and all I can think about is shit from five years ago #i just want to be my own person and to feel comfortable around other people #but everyone is in such a hurry to fall in love and declare their lifelong feelings for each other #i don’t even feel attraction to people. i just want someone to hold me #i want someone to support me through my shit so I don’t feel like I have to face it alone all of the time #i just want a nice comfortable hug to come home to at the end of a long day #and someone to sit with while we watch a show together to relax. even if we don’t actually say anything to each other #i don’t want to think about my whole life or the future ahead. i just want some sense of comfort that I am not alone every day #that sense of comfort you get when you look stupid and ridiculous but your rave camping neighbor asks you to kiss them #and you say yes because it’s their yearly tradition and you’re happy to help. but that’s the most nervous and most loved you’ve felt in a +#+ Minute. and now it’s just a core memory that you think about when things are shitty #man I just want a hug. why is that so hard. and why do I always have to be the strong stable one in the hug?#i want to feel like it’s okay to fall apart and finally get the support and comfort that I need #it’s too hard holding everyone else up all the time. i just want someone to hold me #i don’t know if I will ever love anyone but I just want to feel Close to someone. like I’m not in it alone. why is it So Hard to ask for a+#+simple little hug in life. it shouldn’t be so hard and yet here I am. sad and alone and I will probably always be this way

#can’t sleep. feel sick. feel empty and sad all the time. say i’m lonely and then purposely avoid talking to people #like genuinely. wtf is my problem dude??#i feel so tired and let down by everyone and everything all of the time and it’s like?#shit ain’t even that bad in the grand scheme of things. but I really still just wish I could get a ‘break for once’#why am I so stuck on the ideas of certain people who will never be the way that they were when I actually knew them #and why can’t I just be upfront with people about how I feel. so many ppl think so highly of me for Who Tf Knows Why Honestly #and it’s like. for the love of god please just go find someone else because I Promise you that I’m not going to magically fall in love +#+ with you someday. I have too many fucking problems as it is that I couldn’t even stay with my lady gf for more than a few months #why can’t I just get my shut together Jesus is it really that hard??#if I’m tired and sad then why do I stay up? why wouldn’t I just go to sleep. all I’m doing by staying awake is making myself feel WORSE #and I already feel bad enough as it is. everyone is moving forward with their lives and I’m just sitting here #No fucking clue what I’m doing. no one to talk to. i swear all I want is a good hug sometimes and I can’t even fucking get that #how hard is it to just ask someone for a hug and I can’t do even that??#please tell me I figure my shit out soon and learn to talk to other people because I’m so tired of forcing myself to be so alone all th #e time. i spend so much time awake at night and for what? so I can just make myself feel sad and lonely and anxious?#yeah well I’m tired of it. I’m tired of being awake and alone and not having anyone to talk to because I push everyone away

#anyway i’m too tired for this shit and i’m gonna have to do something about it soon #preferably just starting with ‘let’s spend a little more time apart from each other for a while’ but who fucking knows for sure #because i have gotten to the point where i literally sit here and think about my ex and compare them to my current partner lately and #that’s not something i ever thought i would end up doing because i thought i was happy #i thought i was doing good in this relationship especially because there wasn’t so muvh fighting and blame but #i feel like i’ve been put in a position where none of my feelings will ever really matter because my partner always has something to one up+#+me on and god i hate myself for feeling that way #it’s like no matter how many times they say that they care i can never fully accept the idea that they do #and i feel like i have to be the strong stable one all the time but i just can’t do it. i need to break down and cry and be sad all the+#+time but i feel like i literally can’t do that because i need to support my partner on what they are going through instead and i just #i just hate myself for it. there are no better words to say. i’m in a very resentful position right now and i don’t like being this way #it’s like i can’t let myself have nice things ever. i’d rather think about someone who doesn’t give a shit about me than someone who claims+#+that they do. well what the fuck do i know maybe i just thought we were compatible but in reality we are too different #it gets tiring when someone thinks so differently than you do. like clearly we don’t think the same way so why do you talk as if we do #i don’t fucking know anything i’m just too tired all the time and i need a break

#i hate the stupid bpd fucking cycle of idealization and devaluation i’m so tired of it there aren’t even words to explain #you tell people you don’t date and you don’t feel attraction to them and so many other things but then you become friends #and you grow together over a series of months and slowly you start to form feelings over the course of like 8-9 months and then you ask+#+them to date because the two of you are basically already together as it is and you’re like yes this should be okay #because you’ve spent a lot of time with them and they get you better than anyone else ever has so you feel good and happy and safe #and you think they are the best thing that’s ever happened to you. you just think so highly of them and are so happy to have them with you #but time passes by and you start spending more time with them than you’ve ever spent with anyone in the past #because you’re an adult now so you drive them to work together and then have dates on your days off and you just get so fucking tired #so you start to devalue them and resent them and you are just so so tired that even if they are the best thing that has probably happened+#+to you in a long time all you can ever do is think of the negatives and the things that you don’t like about them #you grow tired of talkingto them and you want to be alone and it’s your own fault for letting them get that close in the first place #because let’s face it you knew full well that you couldn’t handle it and yet you did it anyway #i’m so tired i shouldn’t hate the people i love. but my brain always goes to ways to hurt them or to betray them or whatever else #so instead i create distance and i don’t explain why and other people don’t deserve that but i just cant bring myself to tell them #‘i’m going through a bad phase right now and i resent you and that’s not your fault/something you can do anything about bt i need some time’

#can’t believe i haven’t posted here in over a year but i guess up until now i was working on other forms of therapy/coping so i didn’t need+#+to come back here not that this is some great place to br or anything but it’s nice to have a place to get out of my own head #i think it’s a bit funny that i fell back into a cycle of self harm last february after a long time of not doing it because what do you+#+know thr exact same thing ended up happening a few weeks ago all over again #i think i was able to avoid it for a long time because it took too much effort and i was just too tired to do it but it’s also hard if+#+you’re just a person who has a habit/problem with self harm #people want to act like it’s all about them and you shouldn’t do it because people love you #and it’s like yeah i know people love me the thing is tho that that’s not good enough for me because i feel empty and i just want to be+#+able to feel something and to express myself for once. it’s not about you it’s about me #i worry about people enough as it is i don’t need them thinking they can control every single fucking thing i do with my life #be back momentarily for your not so regularly scheduled broadcasting with another bit of tea

#idk what it is lately but we rly do be feeling like we at an all time low these days boys #might as well get it out there rn because otherwise i never will #family’s been making me feel so? idk how to explain that either actually #cut myself for the first time in forever earlier this week because i was tired of just that empty/nothing feeling #like i was honestly doing okay but then i guess it really hit me that i have no goals or dreams or things that make me happy anymore #everyone talking about the thibgs they want to be doing over the next few years and i couldn’t even tell you what i want to be doin tomorrow #because i feel useless pointless worthless all the other words that mean that i feel like my life means less than the people around me #and it’s like i will purposely choose any excuse in the book to prevent myself from letting me be happy about Anything #i’m so sad that i realized when i was just talking to my parents yesterday i basically told them how i want my organs donated when i die as+#+if they will have to be the ones to sign off on that because i will for some reason be dying before them #but the truth is i don’t think or imagine myself getting old because i don’t know how to #all day long people tell me that i don’t care about shit and all night long i sit there and think to myself about how i hope that all of my #friends and my family will grow up to be happy and healthy and live long lives and achieve everything that they’ve ever hoped or dreamed of #achieving. and all i hope for myself? that i will be there to see them do that.#i wish i could go back to being a kid with big goals and just? never give up on those things #because now here i am going through each day feeling like a waste if space who has never #you know what nevermind i’m done ranting #i’m tired and i’m not mad i’m just sad and i don’t have the energy to be talking like this #wasted the entire month of january already now i guess here goes february too #i just want to sleep. a lot. and maybe wake up to feel like i’m actually worth letting literally anything good happen to me

mixolydia

multiple ear piercings is the only answer

#lol was scrolling back through my old posts before going to sleep and this is almost a year old at this point #but i can indeed confirm it is still the only answer #ask my 9 piercings #two in my right ear and four in my left year #the one under my tongue that i did myself when i was 15 and then the two actual tongue piercings i got last month after turning 18 in octobr #then impulsively decided to start stretching my second ear lobe puercibgs right after thanksgiving too because i was like y not #honestly i’m not even in that really angsty phase in my life anymore or anything #but ear and tongue piercings are so small and simple and ppl can’t rly roast u for them because they can’t see them most of the time anyways #so that’s the tea i’m tired and rambling now gn

#blah blah blah already posted this once but had to delete to find a better music link #tumblr always makin me use remixes of the songs that i actually wanted to because i prefer to use souncloud links instead of spotify #anywhomst #it be like 5am and i be texting my friend who loves rap and is currently TRIPPIN™ on acid #so that’s cool or whatever #it’s one of those nights where you’re tired but not enough for your brain to actually let you sleep #oh but i’m going back to school in the spring #classes start mid february and i signed up for chemistry and medical terminology so hopefully that goes well #idk we’ll see #i ought to start journaling so i can keep track of my emotions and shit lately but ehh #i’m usually always pretty much neutral. no extreme highs or lows like when i was in high school being a dramatic bitch all the time lol #anyways that’s the update for now #maybe it’s time to stop talking to the friend who’s description of the world is currently ‘looks like those deep fried memes’#and actually try to get some sleep instead

#lol #my brother: makes his class plans for winter and spring classes + to work in his free time. presents his schedule to our parents tonight #my mom: mentions something about me/my schedule #me: zones out of real life. realizes that we gon only have one car to share between me and him for probably a couple of months now #and if he already planned his schedule then that means? what for me? lol?#was thinking of going back to college in the spring but if i can’t drive myself to school or work or anywhere else then idk what im gonna do #like i get that he’s a year older and he got his license first and planned his schedule first and everything but #i feel like if it was me then i would at least think to ask what the other person is planning for #but his registration got moved up to a bit earlier than expected so he just went and registered for all his classes and didn’t tell us +#+ until way afterward lmao #i know that there are many ways to work around this schedule and that if i really wanted things then i would actually bother to tryq #but both my siblings being in school rn and already having their own schedules and not even thinking about mine got me feeling that good ol+#+Middle Child Syndrome™ as always. i be like ‘i had a 4.63 gpa in one of my semesters wow-’ and ppl be like stfu lmaoo #i bet my mom just said yes to letting me pierce my tongue soon so that she could make up for all the shit my siblings are doing lately but +#+ not me lmaoo #anyways i just wanted to complain a bit #nothing is wrong really i’m just tired and depressed i guess #like i’ll finally be able to drive myself places if i pass my test next wednesday #only i really won’t because my brother will alwayd take the truck. and my parents are working on getting him his own car because he actually #has one in mind that he wants and i dont and blah blah blah it doesnt matter what i want because hes older and thetefore he gets the car #i dont even want to go to school again snd get a degree and go to medical school i just want to sit here in a pile of all the cookies i made #earlier and HATE myself #gOd this is why i listen to music so much because i literally have NO other personality traits than self loathing skskskkssksksdhshiaiaia #alright i’m done now. time to compose myself and log off tumblr and act like everything is fine lmaoo we’ll get there someday boyos

#man being an adult really is something huh #me: turns 18 #me: has a major depressive episode #i had something better to say but i forgot what it was so whatever

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#idk if it puts it in perspective how scared i’ve been lately #but i think that i gave up on my hopes and dreams quite a while ago now #and i want to support other people on their hopes and dreams as mych as i possibly can #but for the past couple of months my only major hope/dream has been turning 18 #it’s like i’ve suddenly realized how insane and dangerous and just overall absolutely terrifying the world is #and i know that i live such a sheltered lifestyle to be saying something like that #but my goal has literally been to make it until my next birthday without anything bad happening to me #it’s 6 days from now so really you would think that it eould be a simple goal to achieve #but i’m so scared of everyone and everything that it feels like i’ll be holding my breath all the way until saturday #like i know that i’ll be okay until then but also?#i’ll believe it when i see it. let me make it until the actual day of my bday and then Maybe i can relax a bit. or at least sleep a lil more

#there’s like nothing even wrong right now lol #it’s just like 6am and was scrolling through some of my playlists is all really #but i discovered this song recently so? idk i added it to one of the playlists i listen to when i’m feeling sad or whatever lol #i’m gonna go to sleep soon #and probably not end up waking up until like hella late today because i guess that’s just how things be apparently #it’s less than a week until my birthday now #and i’m glad that i get to wake up every day even if i sleep in forever and don’t wake up untilnreally late #i’m just happy that i wake up at all #i’ve been anxious as hell lately though. it’s been messing me up for a couple of months now. messing my sleep up especially #but i’m still alive and breathing and that’s all that matters #the shitty anxiety is a topic for another day #goodnight for now

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#lol i really be out here at 3am like #i wanna be alive but i don’t wanna be sad #and i mean i know that being sad sometimes is just a part of being alive #but i spend a lot of time making myself a lot more depressed than i need to be #and then i just go and internalize all of those feelings #it’s like i really do want to be alive you know it’s not like i don’t want to be alibr #alive*#i just wish that i wouldn’t have to make myself feel so bad all the time in order to be alive #i was telling my mom that i drive safer with my little sister in the car because she’s got all these hopes and dreams and i don’t want to +#+ even think about putting her in danger or messing up her future in any way #and my mom laughed and was jokingly like what you don’t have any hopes and dreams #and i told her that i don’t right now. which is true. and maybe that’s the main reason that i let myself feel bad so often #idk really. i want the people i love to live really long and happy lives #and i want to live a long and happy life so that i can be a part of theirs too. but every day that goes by just feels like another waste #because idk when i stopped dreaming but now it feels like i can’t figure out how to start hoping and dreaming again anymore #i just want to think of something that would make me happy that way i can actually have something to work toward yanno #but it feels like i’m not worth shit and i don’t know anything that would make me worth shit #so instead of actually getting to move forward anywhere i’m just constantly running in a circle #blah blah blah poor me. that’s the rant for now i suppose. i’m glad some people have such an easy time figuring out their lives #i wish that i could take a tip or two from them sometime

#deadass the only reason i feel so bad is probably because my stupid self is uhhhhh literally just my stupid self lmao #i took my adderall at like 3pm but then like 6 hours later i had a headache so i figured Hey I’ll Just Take These Pills That Havr Caffeine #In Them And It’ll Just Be No Big Deal #so here i am taking this shit like 6 hours apart which is definitely NOT long enough for the first thing to wear off #and both of those things make it so you’re not hungry right but people told me to eat food earlier so i was like yeah okay i’ll eat fine #but :) that :) was :) just :) a :) horrible :) horrible :) mistake :) on :) my :) part :)#and now :) my body :) wants to kill me :)))#so i guess the moral of the story here is that i’m a complete fucking dumbass who has no right to say shitt lmao because its most definitely #my fault anyways so?? lol i made myself feel awful lolol i have no right to complain #even tho gOd DaMn I fEeL A W F U L XD #and i stillll cant decide whether to sleep or not which is why i just keep complaining and complaining because i figure tht Maybe just MaYbE #it will somehow make the time pass by faster which it wont but lol fucc i know my body is hungry because i havent eaten properly but i also #still feel sick from the last food i ate because all the pills inside of me were like XD what is hunger XD #fuck man lol i’m like laughing over this but it actually feels really bad and i wish that i wouldnt have ended up in this position to begin #with lmao

#it’s like 4am and idk how long that is before other people start waking up but i feel so fking tired and SICK #like hhh #it’s bad enough that i can never figure out whether i feel bad because i need to eat ot because i’ve eaten too much lately #idk how to explain gdi i just feel really really tired and not good #but i know that i disappoint people by waking up so late every day and blah blah blah #i’m trying my best to fix it okay i was trying to stay up tonight that way i could actually fucking do shit tomorrow but :((((#i feel so sick to my stomach and just over all awful i wanna cry over nothing and i just want to go to sleep but i dont want people to be #mad at me for sleeping again but fuck dude #i can’t fucking sleep at night so i end up being awake until like 7am but then i have no energy left because its fucking lonely and #depressing as shit always being the only one awake in the middle of the night but then i sleep from 7am to 3pm and then end up doing it all #over again the next day and you would think like blah blah blah stop talking just shut up and fix your sleep schedule #but even if i go to sleep early or wake up early or stay up all night and day to try and fix it it only lasts for a day or two and then i’m #just back to this and i wish i could say that i’m trying my best but i know i’m not and i just?#god i’m so sorry for being such an awful fucking disappointment to everyone who knows me :(( i cant commit to things for shit and idek #i hate complaining all the time but i still do it anyways and i just feel so tired and sick right now okay i just feel really really bad #i know none of these tags make sense. but when do my tags ever make sense anyways? i just feel rly awful ://

#three’s a party right?#yeah three seems good for now

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