i am myself now

tu hogar está aquí ahora

[demoropodepa]

[luxoffux]

[prom-ising]

[fxrrow]

you're a harsh reality

[fxrrow]

another year around the sun

i guess i don't really see a point to birthdays i mean, we celebrate the day that someone unwillingly became a part of this space we call existence. i think birthdays can lead to expectations and let downs. i mean that's what i always feel. however, maybe that's a "me" problem? i don't know. i just always feel sad around my birthday. what is the celebration? another year close to ceasing to exist? do we, as humans, utilize birthdays as a day to ignore our own mortalities? why do i always just feel sad and overwhelmed on my birthday. i think this has been the most peaceful birthday i have had in my life. having no expectations, spending the day alone, has honestly been kind of self-serving. i guess it's a day i want to feel special and acknowledged. i guess, i may not feel that way normally. i mean i spent my last birthday blacked out as a response to emptiness during active addiction. i don't truly know, existing on this floating rock in space and having a day to "celebrate" one's existence/mortality just feels odd. maybe it is odd of me to think of the day in such a way. nothing really makes sense i guess. well, here's to 23 years around the sun; alive and healthy. i guess this is what this day becomes now. obsolete and small. maybe it will not always be this way, maybe it will. all in all, life is what it is, just that.

[eith]

[brownvenus]

Honestly sometimes you want things to work out and it doesn’t and time passes and you look back and understood why it didn’t happen then. The universe or whatever you believe in, is always looking out for the best for you so mourn but move on. There are better things ahead always.

[redlipstickresurrected]

Unknown Photographer - Blue Mosque in Mazar-i-Sharif, Afghanistan  Photography 

[fxrrow]

esta arquitectura siempre se queda bella

[love]

[imkindof]

[markv5]

[pictures-of-luxury]

[fxrrow]

Coming to terms.

I'm glad I still have this blog. It is a good release. Well, life has been full of realizations recently. I need to hold myself more accountable. I need to be more responsible. I am so proud of myself for what I have done with my life, but I know I can be taking more proactive steps to better myself and those in my life. I'm going to my first AA meeting tomorrow. I have a problem. I have a substance abuse disorder. I need to get that in check. It's freeing and horrifying to come to that realization. However, I know I need to learn to better myself sooner than later. It's funny how my whole life alcoholics were depicted as 24/7 drunks with no aspirations. I think I can see how detrimental stigmas can be now. I have a good-paying job, 2 B.A.s, my own apartment, healthy relationships, etc. I still have a genuine problem, I am addicted. I have been open about it with loved ones, but I need to make the first step. I am so tired of being trapped, feeling gross, using alcohol as an escape. The funny thing is, yeah, it works at the moment, yet the hangover and the repetition are sometimes worse than needing a "solution." I need to finally get diagnosed with ADHD or Autism, whatever it is that I have had my whole life unknown. I need to get to a point where I can quit drinking. I know I can do it, but that initial dive into the deep unknown always remains a petrifying concept. I need help, I need to help myself, I want to be better. I am fortunate that I have realized I need a change, and I am very sure, I will be fine eventually. I just need to take the leap. Addiction is very real y'all. Instead of stigmatizing it, offer love and genuine support to those in need. If we all looked at each other with empathy and love, then maybe addictions could be avoided, maybe the signs could be recognized earlier, maybe we could more accurately hold ourselves and others accountable. In the end, I am an alcoholic. I get why addiction is so gripping, and why people fall into its grasp. I am going to do what it takes to be me, again. Free of this grip, free of the cycle, but for now, I remain in the messy middle. Much love for anyone reading this. Stay strong and work to save yourself because it will be worth it in the long run.

[zelda]

[eith]

[this-old-stomping-ground]

[catloversu]

[fxrrow]

06/28/2021

Well, tumblr it has been a minute. i guess i have finally found myself in a good place. life is pretty stable. i don't feel sad, just anxious. my panic disorder has been quite escalated this year, but I am finally able to co-exist with it, again. i guess, this year has showed me that I truly did not understand life like I thought I did. I mean. I thought I was happy during my senior year, but. I was thoroughly depressed. I have had time to reflect and to truly see that. I am trying to be better. To drink less, to be more accountable, and to practice radical self-compassion. I guess I just feel weird being in the the motion of life. There is nothing exciting on the horizon that is for certain, and that is weird to me. It all just seems like a calm sea. I miss the excitement of potentially having a summer storm. maybe, i like what I have been running from for so long, or maybe I despise it? I feel like I think that I should know what I truly "need" at this age. what if I just sacrificed myself to the timeline? what if I just went with the flow? What if I just accepted where I am at? Am I able to do that? I might be scared that I am growing older, but I also might love the idea of that as well. Being a twenty something is wild. Nothing makes sense, but maybe that is the point. maybe I need that space to breathe, to grow. I think I am so used to everything being pre-determined in my life and for now I have to make a choice. I have to be the one that definitively makes the choice, the choices that will effect my life. It is so ambiguous. I know I am ready, but quite possibly I am scared to start. Pues, a ver mi gente. Lo sé que voy a llevar a cabo algo maravilloso, pero por ahora no me parece completamente claro.