“I never meant to fall in love with you, I just did.” - Malcolm and Nicola I dare ya!!
The first time she and Malcolm fucked was after her speech at the party conference in Eastbourne. He in that tuxedo and in the toilet of his hotel room. It had seemed like it was less real, with more deniability if they didn’t use the bed.
The second was at the DoSAC party. She blamed the copious amount of mojitos she drank. He fucked her over a table in a spare room and held his hand over her mouth when she came.
The third happened during the brief time Steve Fleming banished him from Number 10. She had brought him food to check on him and they ended up fucking against a wall. He kept repeating “Why. didn’t. you. say. something?” as he thrust into her. She could only shake her head and moan in response.
The fourth time was a turning point. It was in his bed the night after the party lost the General Election. She had hurried from her constituency and it was slow and mournful. She wiped away his tears afterwards as he had mourned the loss of the only thing he had ever loved.
She lost track afterwards. When she was made Opposition Leader, when he was mad at her fuck ups, when she was anxious and didn’t want to think of the next day, when there was despair for the future, when there were brief victories, when he was bored and his life seemed like a wasteland, when she mad at James, when they wanted each other, when they hated each other, when they were tired and wanted comfort.
The last time had been the night before he put her on that damn train. She should have known something was amiss when he kept looking at her with a sad smile as he made her come again and again, until she finally told him she needed to sleep if she was going to catch a train in the morning.
All of this came flooding back years later as she was helping Ella move in at university and had heard a familiar “Hey, Nic'la,” as she and Ella made her way across the green.
She tried to show no emotion as she turned toward him. “Malcolm. What are you doing here?”
“I have one of those guest lector things for the semester.”
“Ah. Good for you,” she said, turning away from him.
“Wait,” he said, as he put a hand on her shoulder and then quickly pulled it away. “I’d like to talk to you. Would you like to get a coffee or something.”
“I’m here with Ella, so - ”
She could see Ella struggle with wanting to protect her mum from this man who had caused so much pain in her life and wanting to finally get away from her mum and be on her own. “If you want to go, Mum, you can. Otherwise, I’ll be fine on my own.”
Nicola took a deep breath. “Go on, El. I’ll take you to dinner later and say a proper goodbye then.”
Ella beamed at her and left.
“It looks like she turned out well,” Malcolm said.
“No thanks to you,” Nicola replied.
The two made their way a coffee house close to campus. Malcolm led her towards semi-private table with their drinks. “So. What do you need to say to me?” Nicola asked coldly.
“I wanted to say that I’m sorry for the pain I caused you.”
“Well, you’re a few fucking years late on that Malcolm. But thank you. Can I go now?” She started to gather her things to leave.
“I need to tell you. I never meant to fall in love with you, I just did.”
She burst out laughing. There he was. Playing his stupid fucking mind games again. But when she looked at him again, he was still looking at her seriously, with the expression he would use when he wanted when he wanted to convince her of something. “Wait, you’re serious?”
She hated him. She hated the tears of outrage gathering in her eyes. She hated the part of herself that still loved him too and wanted to forgive him. “You hurt me, Malcolm. I felt like you had taken a knife to my chest and tore out my heart and pissed on it. I can’t just forgive you and welcome back into my life.”
“And I’m so mad at you right now. I’ve licked my wounds and moved on and now here you are dredging up all this shit again.”
“Wait. Give me your card.”
He smiled and gave her one.
“Don’t think that this means we are anywhere right. I still am leaning toward never seeing you again. Don’t think that this means I’m going to fall back in bed with you.” She put the card in her purse.
“It was good to see you, Nic'la,” he said gently as he left.
She wiped at her eyes and stared out the window, not really seeing anything. And she knew, she knew that she was going to eventually break down and ring him. Fuck.
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