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Identity (Originally written for Follow Your Rainbow @fyr-zine an LGBT+ Sonic Zine)
AO3 link in comments
Ships: Shadow the Hedgehog/Sonic the Hedgehog/Sally Acorn/Amy Rose
Rating: T
Warnings: N/A
Description: When Shadow is dragged to Pride by his significant others he begins to question his identity.
The warm summer air seeped through the cracks and corners of the house, only cut some by the fervious efforts of the air conditioner that was working double time the past few days. Though, Shadow didn’t particularly mind- or even really notice- the scorching heat. In fact, if it hadn’t been for his blue counterpart, he doubted he would have thought to turn on the air conditioning in the first place.
However, that same counterpart was currently being a Grade A nuisance. Sonic had been bothering him all morning. He’d been attempting to convince Shadow to leave his work and go with him and the others to some block party happening at the time. Shadow momentarily wondered if he were to turn off the air conditioner would the blue blur leave to escape the heat. Unfortunately, he doubted it. Sonic had always been a most hard headed individual.
“It’ll be fun!” Sonic had said that about three or four times now.
“I have work to do,” was Shadow’s instantaneous response, which had also been stated at least three or four times.
Sonic let out a groan and fell to his back against the table. “It’s paperwork!” he cried out, throwing his arms to the air above him in exasperation. “Can’t you do it any other day?”
“It’s best to get stuff done when you can and not put it off,” Shadow hissed out back, giving Sonic a pointed look. “Even so, I don’t see why you’re so insistent that I come with you. Can’t you take the girls?”
Sonic rolled to his side, pushing around some of the papers to the side and causing Shadow to give a sound of annoyance. “I am! Or- trying to.”
Shadow gave a raised brow.
Finally sitting up, yet still on the desk, Sonic moved to explain: “It was Amy and my idea! But we wanted you ‘n Sal to come with. So I was tasked with convincing you and Amy went to grab Sal!” Sonic smiled proudly and shoved his thumb to his chest. As if convincing Shadow to go with their cluster to a party was a noble quest he’d been sent on. Shadow felt more as though it were his own personal purgatory.
Shadow had never been the kind for large groups of people. He liked solo missions and small meetups. He wasn’t big on large get togethers and definitely not parties. Especially not parties that took out almost all of City Square to host in its area.
As it were, however, it always seemed that if anyone could get Shadow into large groups it would be the very hero that sat with him now. Sonic dragged him around like an antisocial dog on occasion; assuring others that he didn’t bite and was safe to pet. It baffled him how insistent Sonic was on such things. He tended to notice a similar phenomenon happening to Knuckles as well. Only made more curious by the fact that Shadow knew Sonic could be just as independent as himself. The blue blur was just as weighed down by a need to be the lone wolf as Shadow, or even Knuckles tended to be. Sonic had always been strange in those regards, as he still seemed to have a near constant gaggle of allies and friends at his side on the regular.
“You know I’m not one to go to these sorts of things,” Shadow finally sighed, crossing his arms and looking up to the other. “Why are you so adamant about me going along?”
Sonic’s legs began to swing as his upper body rocked slightly along with the motion. “It’s not just any party. It’s Pride! Don’t you know anything about that?”
“Of course I do,” Shadow huffed out. “I’ve never been but I see no reason to. I understand it’s a celebration and I get why others would be interested. What I don’t see is why I should care.”
“Well, you’re gay for starters.”
Shadow gave Sonic an unimpressed look. “Your evidence isn’t very compelling.”
Sonic gave a dramatic sound of frustration. “It’s-” he lifted his hands but paused as his words started to trip over themselves. He took a short moment to reorganize whatever was sitting in his head. Shadow waited patiently for the other to clear up his thoughts. Finally, he started again, his hands waving along with his words. “It’s more than just a celebration! It is. But it’s also a big part of our history, you know? Also it’ll be fun. People go to this kinda stuff with their friends and partners all the time.”
Shadow’s frown stayed but did begin to soften some. It was clear this was important to Sonic; if not also Amy, Shadow was willing to guess. He understood the history. He understood, to at least some extent, its importance. That didn’t change his stance on wanting to go or not.
“Plus,” Sonic started up again, “it’ll be the first one since we all got together.”
Shadow looked at the other. He had a sincere, if not somewhat nervous smile. Shadow now understood the real importance such an occasion had to Sonic and Amy. It had been just a little under a year since the four of them had really figured out what they were and how the relationship would work. And where there were still some stumbles here and there, Shadow couldn’t lie and say the change in his life hadn’t brought something that made his days feel just a little brighter.
Finally, Shadow gave a sigh. He ran a hand over his face and rubbed at the side of his cheek. “Fine,” he groaned out.
Sonic straightened up and looked at him surprised. “Wait- really?”
“Yes. Really.”
Sonic jumped up from the desk, the sudden motion throwing some of the papers into the air. He let out a cheer of success and suddenly had his arms around Shadow, pressing an over dramatic kiss to his cheek.
Surely, it couldn’t be that bad.
It was that bad.
After just barely an hour, Shadow felt like any energy that would normally give his body the motivation to move had suddenly been zapped from him. Leaving him empty and lethargic. There was just so much happening all at once. He hadn’t had much time to really work himself up to going in the first place, having agreed because of his partners’ own interests in coming to such a large gathering.
He could hardly focus as they walked from point to point. He felt stiff and every ability to see or hear blurred into one large mass of sound and movements. His mind both on red alert and foggy all at once. It wasn't till a hand fell to his arm that he snapped out of the fog and faced worried pink fur.
“Are you okay, Shadow?” Amy questioned, her thumb gently running against the fur of his arm. He didn’t know if the motion was comforting or overwhelming.
“I…” his words fell away from him. Sally and Sonic were also both now looking at him with a matching concern. He tried to shift through the pros and cons of lying and saying he was alright, while also forcing the feeling of drowning out of his throat.
Before he could respond, Amy’s hand was gently taken from his shoulder. Sonic, now holding her wrist, spun her around with a smile and quickly to Sally’s side. Both giving Shadow much needed space, while also pulling a giggle from the pink hedgehog.
“Me ‘n’ Shads are gonna go take a breather,” Sonic explained, stepping to Shadow’s side but still giving the hybrid his space. “Things are gettin’ a little ‘a lot’, if ya’ catch me.” The blue blur gave the two a wink and a finger pistol. “We’ll catch up with you two in twenty.”
Amy looked like she wanted to object or ask to help. However, Sally stepped in and locked their arms.
“Alright,” Sally replied. “I’ll take Amy to get something sweet then.” She looked to Amy to see the pink hedgehog brighten at the promise of a treat before giving Sonic an understanding nod.
As the girls took their leave, Shadow could just make out Amy chanting “cake! Cake! Cake!” and Sally only chuckling in response.
His attention was brought back to Sonic when the other bumped him with an elbow. Sonic motioned his head to signal Shadow to follow him. Needing no other word, the two ran off and out of the crowds.
Sonic had led Shadow up to a rooftop. They sat in a comfortable silence and looked out over the festivities.
“We don’t have to stay the whole time,” Sonic finally said after a good while.
Shadow looked over to him, only to receive a smile in return. “We’ve barely been here an hour,” Shadow responded, looking away again.
“Yeah and you already look like you’re ‘boutta kick it,” Sonic chuckled. “Crowds can suck. I get it; and the girls will too. I’m happy you were willing to try and come at all, honestly.” Sonic gave a shrug at his admission.
“The crowds are bad but…” Shadow’s lips thinned as he tried to find where that thought was heading.
“But?” Sonic encouraged.
Shadow sighed. “I don’t think it helps that I feel out of place.”
“‘Out of place’?”Sonic raised an eye ridge in question, his ears flopping in a way that animatedly matched his features. “Wudda ya mean by that?”
Shadow looked to him again. “I always feel stuck out in a crowd. Even then, this gathering is for your community.” Shadow’s eyes fell to the roof below, frowning. “I don’t know how much I really belong in it.”
There was a pause of silence. The longer it was pulled out the more Shadow could feel the spines and fur on his back begin to stand on end. Finally, he gave in and looked up at the other.
Sonic was only looking at him. Eyes open with confusion, as if he were trying to figure something out. “You… don’t think you belong?”
Shadow, where already not the tallest of their group, somehow felt worlds smaller under Sonic’s gaze. As if he had just admitted to some grave injustice or unforgivable transgression. Not that he truly believed there was much he could do that the blue blur specifically wouldn’t gladly try to pull him back from. But this wasn’t any of this. This was Shadow feeling, in some manner of speaking, insecure and overwhelmed. Why he would ever feel wrong or bad for being honest with Sonic, with any of them, was beyond him. It was downright ridiculous when he thought about it. He could almost laugh. But he didn’t laugh. Instead, Shadow only nodded to confirm Sonic’s implied inquiry.
“We’ll, you’re definitely not straight,” Sonic said with ease.
Shadow looked to him with a confused frustration. “How can you possibly know that? I don’t even know if I’m sure of that.”
“I mean, you’re dating me and Sal- and she’s only a girl in the same way a sword is.”
Shadow looked to him as he gave an easy shrug. As if it was all so simple and conclusive. But to Shadow it didn’t feel that way at all. In fact, he found himself avoiding the mental subject, as he only felt lost at the concepts.
“Look man,” Sonic started up again. “You don’t gotta know all this stuff right away.”
Shadow looked back out to the crowd below them. His eyes zeroed in on Sally and Amy. Both of them had stopped at a small stand with flags of different variety. After a moment Sally pointed off somewhere and then walked to leave.
Sonic must have followed his gaze as after Sally left he knocked his elbow against Shadow’s own. “I’m gonna go back down.” Sonic stood up and stretched out. “If you wanna stay up longer or go home the girls won't be upset.” He then was gone in a flash. Leaving Shadow on the roof alone.
Shadow decided he would go find the others. He wasn’t fully convinced he wanted to leave. Nor was he fully convinced he wanted to stay either. Both seemed to have numerous cons to them that he didn’t want to cause. He tried to focus on the pros to make his decision but gave up on his midday roof sitting adventures either way.
Instead, he hopped off and started towards where he’d last seen Amy. He had watched Sonic speed off to find Sally earlier. Unsure if Amy had already grouped back with them or not.
Apparently not, as he found her exactly where they had left her. She was looking through a pile of multicolored scarves, skirts, and other trinkets. Most of the flags he didn’t recognize.
When he walked up to her she turned and gave him a wide smile. “Shadow!” she called out excitedly. She opened her arms, ready to envelope him in a hug but paused. “Are you still too overwhelmed for touches?” she questioned, tilting her head like a curious cat, her arms still outstretched but paused in place.
“I’m better,” he replied. “But nothing too big, please.”
She nodded and chirped a happy “okay!” before taking his hand in both her own to give it a soft and affectionate squeez. “Help me pick out a skirt!” She gently tugged at his hand to pull him closer to the stall.
“You’re getting a new skirt?” he asked.
“Well, most my pride stuff is old flags so I wanted to get something new!” She beamed up at him.
“Old flags?” Shadow questioned with a raised brow.
Amy nodded and took back one of her hands from his. She picked through a few different things, setting aside a couple as she went through. “You know,” she started up, drawing out her words in a sing-songy way. “Years pass, things change. I don’t really identify the same way I did when I was thirteen.” She gave a giggle, as if the joke was obvious.
Shadow wasn’t sure what the joke was.
She must have noticed the confused look on his face. Her smile turned to understanding as she explained, “some people’s gender or sexualities change over the years. I mean- are you the same as when you were a kid?”
Shadow looked back down at the multicolored clothing and trinkets. When he was a kid he was still in the Arc. “I… suppose not,” he finally let out. “But I don’t believe I had any sort of understanding of any of this when I was that young.”
“What, like, gay stuff?” Amy questioned.
He only replied with a muted nod. “I’m not sure how common it was on the Arc fifty years ago,” Shadow explained. “And even if it were, I wasn’t knowledgeable of it. Or really any time to myself to ever question anything of the like.”
Amy gave a nod, as she listened she began to throw scarves and cheesy sunglasses onto Shadow, as if to look and see how they look on him. “Well!” Amy declared, throwing a lesbian flag scarf back into the pile. “No time like the present, right?”
“How did you know?”
Amy looked up at him, pausing in her work. “Know?” She gave a thoughtful hum and looked back to the stand. “I mean, it takes a while,” she started. “Or, I guess it took a while for me. Knowing I was pan hinged on realizing I was a girl.”
“I guess it makes sense that they would be more or less hand in hand.”
Amy nodded in agreement. “It’s like,” she raised up her hands to wave them around lightly as she went, “when I was little I knew I liked Sonic. But it was a weird, like, hero worship thing.” She let her hands fall back to the trans colored skirt before her. “But, romantically liking guys- or even girls for that matter- felt weird.” Her hands began to fidget with the ends of the fabric. “When I realized I was a girl though, I realized I was imagining myself in relationships as a guy. Which wasn’t what was right, you know?” She looked up at him. Her smile was reminiscent and soft. “It felt good. Like a breath of fresh air.”
“How did you know you were a girl, though? How does one even know that sort of thing?” Shadow mumbled out the last part of his question.
Amy reached over and placed her hand back on his. “Honestly?” she started. “It’s different for everyone. Sometimes you just wake up one day and you know. Sometimes it's a lifetime of slow steps towards what you might not yet realize.”
Shadow met her gaze. He then let his eyes fall to their hands. “Sometimes I think I know who I finally am,” he began quietly. The words only meant for her, not the hundreds of people around them. At this point they’d all fallen to the background. The sounds and sights muted, completely focused on Amy and their conversation. “Then sometimes I feel like I have no clue.”
Amy just gave a gentle giggle at that. “Yeah, life can make you feel like that.”
Shadow took the risk and looked back up to her gaze. Her eyes were soft and comforting as usual. But there was an extra sentence there. More words that were left unsaid but were understandable by the way she rubbed the back of his hand with her thumb. The patient and loving look she gave. The comforting gesture given to show that she understood. Beyond the regular life experiences. Beyond the normal emotions of the everyday young adult. She knew Shadow’s feelings on the matter ran much deeper than that. Her words were not meant to lessen or trivialize his struggle, but to assure him that on some level, he wasn’t alone.
“But now I gotta ask,” she started up again. The bright chipper tone coming back full force. “Why the sudden questioning? Never thought you cared much about that kinda stuff.”
“I don’t,” Shadow quipped back without thinking. “I-I mean. I didn’t. Or,” his words became mumbles as he looked to the ground beside him. His eyes zeroed in on some silly string left behind. “I didn’t think I did. I suppose, coming here has… caused me to re-evaluate those opinions.”
“And your conclusion?”
He paused this time. Not wanting to give an immediate answer. He thought back on the conversation he’d had with Sonic earlier. About the things he did know about queer identities and how they worked. He then sighed and looked back at Amy with a small smile of his own. “I’m definitely not straight.”
She blinked before busting out into another fit of giggles. “No,” she squeezed out between laughter. “I didn’t think you were either.”
Shadow couldn't help the chuckle bubbling out. Once their laughter subsided, Amy began to swing his arm gently.
“I will admit,” Shadow said with a small sigh. “I’m not sure how I feel… on the other end.” His face lowered with his eyes. He hated the forein feeling of embarrassment that bit at the corners of his mind. Just enough to make the skin under his fur become warm, but not enough to be visible.
Amy pushed her face closer to Shadow’s from below, clearly chasing after his gaze with a cat-like smile of her own. “Other side?” She questioned, her tone now holding something more giddy. “Do tell.”
Shadow’s face only grew hotter with her pressing. He moved his head back a bit more, puffing out his chest with a huff. “You’re enjoying this.”
“Oh totally,” she agreed with a nod. “Now spill!” she giggles out, gently smacking his chest with her other hand.
“I’m not sure if I can even word it,” he mumbled back, his posture slowly moving back to normal. “The feeling is alien to me, though I can’t say it never existed just…”
“More center stage now?”
Shadow nodded.
Amy returned the nod in understanding. “You know who you should really talk to about all this? Sally!”
“Sally?”
“Yeah!” Amy nodded again, this time more enthusiastically. “They’re definitely the gal to talk to with gender stuff.” Amy straightened out her own posture. Still keeping close to Shadow, but now fully instead of just his face. “My gender journey, even if it took a while, was like a total straight path,” she began to explain. “And Sonic always tells it that he knew the second he could talk. But Sally’s run through different identities and different directions of gender expression than either of us! She’s probably gonna have like,” Amy raised her hands and wiggled her fingers, “old wizard style smart gender advice.”
He let out a humored breath at that.
Shadow parted ways with Amy, leaving her to continue her quest of finding the perfect skirt. He started in the direction he had seen Sally go off to the first time she’d walked off on her own. He decided to walk instead of run or anything that could get him there faster. For the moment, he felt like he needed the short time between talking with Amy and talking with Sally to breathe. The conversation with Amy hadn’t even been that hard to have. At least, it shouldn’t have been.
As he walked through the streets and the crowds he saw numerous familiar faces pass by him. He thought about each one. How he didn’t really know any of their explicit identities. All he really knew about any of them was what he was to call them and, if they were in a relationship, what that relationship was. For a guy who’s current job had a lot to do with working in the field of intel, it felt as though he was missing plenty of it.
He wondered if that was another nail in his coffin? Was he supposed to know such details about everyone? Was it all common knowledge? He wondered if he were to figure his own out today would he be expected to tell the world? He supposed that would be ridiculous, now that he’d given it serious thought. After all, for one most of these people were friends of friends. Acquaintances he’d made through Sonic or Rouge. And on the other hand, why would he need to know such personal details about all these people’s identities? He was making a mental mountain out of a molehill. His anxieties over his own, now realized, insecurities causing every red alarm in his mind to blare off at once in rapid succession.
He thought about what Amy had said. About how her own journey had been a long one. Shadow wasn’t sure he could handle something like that. Not knowing something about himself felt like standing before a cliff with nowhere to go. Learning new things about himself was one thing, it was exciting to say the least. But to not know something at all, to have some sort of gap in his perception of who he was… Shadow’s identity was everything to him. He’d clawed out of the depths of every hell imaginable so that he could stand as he did and feel confidence in his life; in his very existence as a person. For all of that confidence to be somehow undone by the anxiety of what could only be described as a momentary question of his gender identity? It was infuriatingly laughable.
And yet, when Shadow really pushed himself to think back, he wondered if ‘momentary’ was the right word. It was hard to describe, even to himself, the one person who, arguably, didn’t even need an explanation for the way he was feeling. But there was something there. Some wordless nagging at the back of his mind. An old itch that he never learned how to scratch; instead opting to shove it to the very back corners of his mind where it would no longer bother him. An emotion that, at first, seemed to have no substance or reason but after just a moment of consideration would come to understand it was full of questions and need for… something. Something Shadow was unsure how to have or obtain.
Shadow’s thoughtful walk was cut short by the sound of someone calling his name. He turned towards the sound, hoping it was what he heard and not just the noise of the bustling streets getting the better of him.
It was Sally, waving its arms to get his attention as it walked over to him. “Hey, Shadow,” it greeted more casually once they were in normal ear shot of each other.
Shadow took a few steps to meet it halfway and nodded a greeting to it. He then looked around and noted the absence of blue. “Where’s Sonic?” he asked curiously.
“He ran off to go find Amy when he saw you coming,” it explained. “To regroup and everything.” Sally gave a chuckle and shook its head. “I didn’t mean to leave her alone for so long but I ended up getting distracted.” Sally then looked up at Shadow. “What about you?” it questioned. “How are you doing? Any better?”
Shadow nodded. “I met up with Amy before coming to find you.”
Sally chuckled at that. “Feels like the four of us are playing tag at this point. Come on,” it said and began to walk back where Shadow had come from. “Let’s start back so hopefully we can catch them before we lose them again.”
Shadow started after it, keeping an easy pace. He let silence slip between them as he tried to pull back any thoughts he had before running into it. He wasn’t sure how to go about any of this. He supposed ripping the bandaid right off would have to be the best bet for now.
“Sally,” he began, grabbing its attention. “I wanted to ask about…” He looked to the side, as if looking for the words he needed. “About gender?” he questioned, sounding too much like a question in the wrong way.
Sally looked at him for a moment, as if to try and figure out what it was he was trying to ask at all. It then smiled. “Lemme guess, you’re questioning the whole cis versus trans thing, right?”
Shadow responded with a nod. There was a pause, clearly Sally giving him a moment to say more. He gratefully took it. “I never tried to focus on these sorts of things before. Even now I’m not sure how well I understand it all. I feel out of the loop and like there’s more to me I don’t know and-” He was stopped by a hand on his arm.
Sally had gently taken hold of him. “Hey, you know you don’t have to figure this all out at once, right?”
Shadow nodded. “Sonic and Amy said similarly.”
“Well, they’re right. For once, in Sonic’s case at least.”
Shadow let out a humored breath at that. “He has his moments. I think you and Amy are to thank for that.”
“I’d like to think so too,” Sally nodded with a chuckle.
“I just feel very… lost, not knowing things,” he continued. “Almost frustrated by it. But it feels as though there's so much I don’t know about this sort of thing already, that there’s no way I could ever make sense of it for myself.”
“Like queer identities, you mean?” it asked.
Shadow nodded.
“You know none of that really matters, right?”
Shadow paused and looked at it. “Huh?”
Sally gave a chuckle. “There’s a ton of identities not because you’re expected to memorize all of them but for the people who want them.”
“I’m still not sure I follow,” Shadow mumbled.
Sally tapped its finger against its chin for a moment. “You know, like gynosexual?”
“Huh?”
“Okay,” Sally sighed with a smile, “gynosexual is someone who’s only atracted to girls basically. Because of this a lot of non-binary people who are only into girls will use it.”
“Alright,” Shadow nodded, to show he was following along.
“But they don’t have to use that if they don’t want to,” Sally added on. “It’s just as normal as if someone identified as a non-binary lesbian. They’re still non-binary and they’re still only atracted to girls. It’s just more up to them how they describe that and identify it.”
“So then, some of them can mean the same thing?”
Sally gave a hum in thought at that. “I guess by a technicality they all mean different things. But it matters more how the individual interprets them, less how society does. It’s your identity, you can call it and describe it however you want.” Sally then smiled and with a chuckle added, “I once had a friend who didn’t know if they were pan or bi for a while but stuck with pan cause they liked the colors of the flag better.” It put its hand back to Shadow’s elbow, letting its fingers run up his fur and to his shoulder affectionately. Comfortingly. “These words aren’t made to hinder anyone or to make anyone feel more lost. They’re made to help and to be comforting. If you don’t find comfort in them then just don’t worry about them. Easy as that.”
“What about you?”
It paused for a moment at the question. “Amy’s probably told you that when it comes to identities I’ve ran with just about everything under the sun at one point or another.”
Shadow nodded.
“Sometimes you just feel differently. You grow and change and that scares people sometimes but honestly it only excites me,” Sally explained. “I like change and growth. It feels good. It feels like the world is still turning and I'm turning with it. Who knows what I’ll feel next, all that matters is what I feel now.”
“Now…” Shadow mumbled to himself, as if to test the word on his tongue.
“What do you feel right now, Shadow?” it asked gently, giving him a patient and soft look.
“I-”
“There you two are!”
Sally and Shadow both whipped over to look towards the shout.
Amy and Sonic were making their way over. Amy was sporting a trans colored skirt while Sonic had on bi colored dog tags.
“We’re glad we found you two before we got split up again!” Amy called happily. She skipped over to take Sally’s arm and slide on a fuzzy non-binary colored wrist band.
“We were on our way to the both of you, too,” Sally explained with a chuckle, smiling at its new gift before giving Amy a peck on the cheek.
Amy let out a giggle before making a sound of surprise, “Shadow!” She grabbed his hand and pulled it to her chest. “Did you talk to Sally about The Thing yet!”
“The Thing?” Sonic questioned looking from Amy to Shadow. “What Thing?”
“Same Thing from before,” Shadow responded.
“Oh! That Thing,” Sonic nodded in understanding. “Wait, you talked to Amy and Sal ‘bout the Thing?”
“I love all three of you so much,” Sally began, snapping all attention to it. “But the next person who says the word ‘thing’ like that I’m going to hit.”
Before anyone could say anything Amy smashed her hand to Sonic’s mouth who only did the same to her in response. The two matched glances and only began to snicker wildly.
“Yes,” Shadow finally responded. His voice laced with fond exasperation. “I had mentioned my thoughts on it all to Amy and then was just now speaking with Sally about it.”
“Soo, then what’s the verdict?” Sonic asked curiously.
Shadow paused, not sure how to answer. Did he even have an answer yet? It really didn’t feel like it.
“How about we go get some food and sit to keep talking about this,” Sally suggested, saving Shadow momentarily.
The group migrated to a nearby cafe and sat at an outside table with their snacks. The cool drinks were a refreshing welcome to the four of them having spent a number of hours in a large crowd in the hot summer sun.
Finally Shadow spoke, bringing back the past three conversations, “I’m questioning a lot of things, I believe.”
“Like?” Sonic questioned.
Shadow tapped his finger on the side of his drink. Frowning into the liquid from behind the transparent plastic. He was thankful for the momentary silence from the other three. A part of him felt nervous under their watchful gazes, but ultimately he understood they only wanted to listen and help. He wanted them to listen and help. There were very few other people he would feel so comfortable talking about such things with. The only other people being Rouge and possibly Omega or Knuckles. Even though some days, Shadow was convinced the latter two were just as lost with the times as he was.
After a moment Shadow let himself lean back into his chair and look up towards the others. “I want to figure out my gender before all else.”
“Sounds like a good place to start.” Sally nodded.
“Got any starting points to jump from?” Sonic asked, pulling the straw of his drink into his mouth to take a loud sip.
Shadow gave a nod. “I don’t believe I’m cis, for one. I’m not sure how I feel viewing myself as a ‘man’. It feels…” He frowned in thought. “Off, somehow.”
“Like a ‘wrong’ off or a ‘to the left’ off?” Amy asked.
Shadow only responded with a confused eye ridge.
“Do you feel you may be a woman, instead,” Sally translated.
The hybrid shook his head. “No. I don’t believe I'm trans.”
“Trans is more than just boy to girl and vice versa,” Sonic added in. “Trans is anything that isn't cis. So like, non-binary shit too.”
“Do you think you might be non-binary?” Sally asked.
Shadow thought for a moment. “Possibly? But I’m not sure to what end.”
“Whaddaya mean?” Amy asked past a mouth full of muffin.
“Non-binary is also an umbrella term, correct? It’s not a third gender. If I am non-binary, I wouldn’t know in what way or in what direction.”
“There doesn’t have to be any direction,” Sonic suggested. “Like, you could be agender. That’s like, no gender kinda thing.”
Shadow mulled over the idea, but ultimately shook his head. “I don’t feel like that’s it.”
“What about demi-boy?” Amy added. “Like boy but not really boy.”
Shadow, one again, shook his head. “No. That’s not it. I don’t feel like…” He sighed and frowned. He wasn’t trying to seem frustrated, and yet the feeling was slowly creeping into every action. He pushed a hand over his face and let out another sigh. “I have a gender. But it has nothing to do in relation to ‘male’ or ‘female’. That is how I feel. At least, as best I can describe it.”
“You don’t have to give it a name, you know,” Sally said. “You can be just non-binary and leave it at that. There’s plenty of people who also just identify as queer and leave it there.”
“Queer is an identity?”
“It can be!” Amy nodded in agreement. “Some people use it as a gender, sexuality, or both!”
Shadow let his canines gently tug at the inside of his lip. Queer sounded simple. It wasn’t some big thing or an unfamiliar sentiment. It felt familiar and natural and… nice. “I think… I think I like that.”
“Oh shit!” Sonic called out, throwing his hands to the air excitedly. “Do you wanna change your pronouns too?”
“Oh, um.” He hadn’t even thought about pronouns. “I still want to keep the masculine ones. But… I think it would be nice to try out ‘they/them’ and see where that leads?”
“Of course!” Amy clapped with a bright smile.
“If you ever want it changed, just tell us,” Sally mentioned. Sonic and Amy nodding along in agreement.
“Alright,” Shadow said. Their own smile forming. The frustration and complicated feelings that had been haunting him all day had begun to dissipate. They continued to rotate the word in his mind.
“Oh! Also!” Amy called out. “Here Shadow, I got you this!” She pulled out a small, braided, rainbow colored bracelet to hand them.
They took it and slid it onto their arm, looking down at it with fondness. “Queer,” they mumbled out. “That feels a lot better.”
Let me show you my participation for the @fyr-zine ! Thanks again to the team for accepting me to this project! It's a great zine with so much talented artists! And of course thanks to everyone who bought and or supported it in every way!
Honestly I found it hard to draw something outwardly romantic with the two. Their core is being free (in the wind) and challenging each other in races. I wanted to represent that :)
!!! I can finally post the Whispangle piece I did for the @fyr-zine !!
The theme was “core” and so I took that as just “having fun”! Embracing the simplest things in life (such as a rainy day!) n turning it into something enjoyable. Its simply the human spirit to want to set ourselves free, ofc can be proven difficult with the many roadblocks in life- but the least efforts we can make is to try not to sweat the small things that dampen your spirit. Instead, look on the flipside of those things, there will always be a little something good to offer in each day and everything; if you look a little closer <3 (sounded a little preachy but i wanted to say smth lmao) I chose Whispangle as it’s a good example of this, Tangle’s optimism paired with Whisper’s pessimism (also wanted to draw them in cute raincoats hehe)
Here is the full piece I did for @fyr-zine this year! The theme was core so I decided to do the ‘core’ of Team Chaotix’s relationships
Pride is a great event but sometimes I feel there isn’t much for platonic/found family rep in fandoms during these events! It plays such a big part of the community I just wanted something to represent that xx this is a couple months old now and If I was to start this project today I’d do it differently but I am still happy with what I did and I hope now that I can finally share it with you all that you guys enjoy it too x
