yes and amen to all of it. i am so relieved that this feeling, or lack of, exists, and is normal! it’s just about the trickiest thing. because it sounds so simple, and clear. but it is also so internal that maybe people don’t notice it or realize they are anomic themselves. it makes the journey very lonely.
in sociology, we learned that everyone goes through some kind of anomie. at some point in life. it’s just a part of building social identity. and HOW do you realize that that’s what you’re going through. how do you realize it’s not just a funk that never seems to pass, but a necessary part of life. because nobody knows what the “necessary parts of life” are.. but we like to think they’re obvious, and that’s what’s tricky!
I don’t really know why it is so. but I’m just glad there’s a method to the madness. with anomie, there is a constant worry and stress. always feeling like you do one thing right, and miss out on everything else. get everything else wrong. always feeling like there is constantly something to experience, constantly something to do, and never enough time. always looking for balance. and peace! but never seem to get there because social norms, they add on. and the more you have on your plate, the more you don’t know how to handle it because this part of life, your life, doesn’t come with guidelines. and people will listen but it’s not like they know how to help you. cause how can they tell you how to handle your shit? that what you’re feeling is completely normal.. cause idk if anyone would recognize they have the same problem. we all deal with it differently.
I thought there was something wrong with me.. it’s funny now, but I genuinely did. I thought not being able to feel stemmed from my own heart. and maybe a part of it does. but my constant searching and inner void of appetite, is all in part of this “personal unrest” from life. It takes so much to try and be comfortable with all the things I have to do, it seems like “feeling” is at the bottom of the list of priorities. cause it’s something you should know how to do, not something you have to think about. but in this dysfunction, you are stuck in limbo. so for now, I will let that be my answer. right now is the time I learn how to juggle. I said I noticed it when I turned 18 and it’s all kind of a given now.. for now I’ll let it be.
it is only my second semester in community college, and wow. education has a way of taking everything you know and twisting the shit out of it! make you sure of some parts of yourself and then completely blow the other parts to pieces. it’s up to us to try and find them again. confusion and doubt and never really resting. it kind of forces you to deal with the fact that we don’t really know shit. what is “normal” IS unknown and scary. and our perception of our own knowledge will constantly change. as will security within ourselves. and that’s okay.. call it simple, and call me naive. but i think a delayed reaction is a lot better than having none at all. anomie is my friend.
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