some bitch

I've been a miner for a heart of gold

[gaaaaaay]

Office job but sometimes there are Swords

[gaaaaaay]

I'm actually kinda over working for a small business or company that requires employees to overwork constantly for not enough pay like goddamn

I don't really take breaks but it feels normalized to also work late like uhhhh not for what y'all pay me, bye!!!

[gaaaaaay]

Step one make your mirror as dirty as possible

Step two look miserable

Step three slay

I will take a better photo later but I am very tired and in pain and 8 months preg level bloated and I just needed to make sure it fits and figure out what height heel I need

It does fit pretty damn well so I did great go me 👍 if anything it's slightly roomy from the waist down which is perfect for when I inevitably feel 8 months preg level bloated anyway if I feel better at some time in the next week I will throw on the heels and take a better shot

It's a gorgeous dress though I love it and the black part is velvet and and doesn't seem like it wrinkles. Hell yeah

[gaaaaaay]

I get so uneasy planning anything or thinking about anything as little as 6 months in the future because I'm just like well who knows what could happen between now and then ?? I might blow up my entire life lol

What's it like being able to envision a future?

[kurulover]

I hate that when you’re stressed enough your body just starts falling apart. I think it should realize you’re already stressed and don’t need that and start functioning better actually

[kurulover]

[gaaaaaay]

Found a job listing I really liked then had to give myself a reality check bc I'm literally not able bodied enough to have a non hybrid job :( very sobering

[gaaaaaay]

I accidentally hit my goal weight because I don't really have any safe foods any more but I'm still really bloated and don't have much muscle tone anymore so it doesn't feel very satisfying :(

[gaaaaaay]

Every night I try to plan chores and shit to do like I'll have more than twenty minutes a night without tummy troubles

[gaaaaaay]

I've done it again. I bought a vintage dress.

Should I be spending money? No

But I saw this and fell in love and I do not have the bandwidth to continue thinking about what to wear to this fucking wedding so I impulsively made an offer and it was accepted. I'm embarrassed about how much it was considering other things I should be spending money on/saving for but I'll just say it was about $20 more than the nicest looking dresses I would have been willing to buy on Amazon within my budget and this one is 100% my style

And if ever I needed a time to treat myself....

I can always return it but I'll def post pics when it comes - stay tuned !

[gaaaaaay]

Every day I have to remind myself that I'm not lazy, I'm kinda disabled.

I mostly just talk about it here because it's my space to vent. Even if no one reads it it feels good to get it out.

I fondly remember the levels of functioning I had two years ago and it's clear to me that I'm no longer that person, at least for now, and I have to manage my own expectations. I try to give myself an hour and a half to get ready every morning so I have time to recover from each task

The fact that I'm working full time with a long commute is huge. I do need to work towards something that is easier on me though. I want so badly to just quit my job because I'm so burned out.

A year ago I was laid off though and I wasn't magically cured by taking six months off though.

I guess I've proven to myself that while I technically can take on this workload....I really shouldn't lol

I just need to find a more sustainable job/career. I need to be able to take time off to visit my widowed mom and have, fuck it, have a vacation too! I barely had time off for Christmas. I have two personal/sick days left until Christmas. Gah!

[gaaaaaay]

Oh,

My heart is so broken

[gaaaaaay]

Oops I threw up ??? Da fuck ??

I'm almost out of sick days so I just went to work haha

[gaaaaaay]

I had a dream that i had to drive to a weird new location in the morning for something for work and my phone was absolutely not working at all (which tracks, it's a 3 year old fully paid off pixel 7) and I snapped it in half and got out of the car and smashed it into pieces in a blind rage and then just didn't go to work 😃

Needless to say I have not been sleeping well this week for whatever reason which is really rare for me, I'm privileged to say, but I do tend to absolutely flip my shit when I am chronically sleep deprived so yeah today should be interesting! It's only Wednesday!

[morrigan-disapproves]

ultimately we all have to quit our jobs and walk into the sea

[deepspacepirate]

One of my favorite tropes is post apocalyptic towns being named after dilapidated signs with missing letters, like Novac (no vacancy) and Eaden (dead end). There’s something inexplicable about it

[togepipi]

catch me in the city of fre shavaca do

[gaaaaaay]

Anyway my dad just died

I don't really know what to say about it except that it's awful of course and everything is awful

I've spent the last couple months so deeply worried about him - before that, even, somehow, just this fear that he won't be around that long

and we never got that chance to connect over all of the things we share

It felt like he was always just slipping away

And these last few months have been torture knowing that he was sick but they told us not to visit until it was too late

And I got my ass there as fast as possible once I know things were really Bad and I was literally a day too late

And I didn't get to say goodbye and tell him how much I cared about him and I'm left kicking myself for not ignoring their wishes and visiting sooner

The last time I saw him was maybe a year ago and we barely exchanged ten words and these last two months I knew he was sick my mom said to write a letter but I didn't know what to say ( I still don't) and just wanted to visit

And anyway this isn't very eloquent because I don't feel very eloquent just very raw and lost and confused

Everything just makes me think of him at all times and I just wish he had talked to me and could know how much he means to me that's all 😔

Goodbye Dad

Maybe I'll see you in another life old man 🌌

[gaaaaaay]

Could it be the sodium ? Oil? Honestly grape leaves are one of my safe foods literally every time so WHO THE FUCK KNOWS

I'm starting to think this is not triggered by any sort of food in particular folks lol

I love being scared ! To eat ! AUGH