gabbie @gabsladybugs - Tumblr Blog

if they have to die i just hope they think of me and how much i love them and i hope theyre proud of me and they know how proud i am of them and i forgive them if they take their own life because i get it and i'll be glad they did something to feel better once and for all

july 10

they say theyre okay but theyre not theyre not okay figkkk fuckfuckfuck what a i sppoosed to do anymore i vant yelp someone who doesnt want to be helped but goddddd i want to help tjwm more than i want anuthint else

crying so hard thinking about my 2 suicidal friends who happen to be my only 2 close friends. godddddddd dijdkdkfnnc

god wjy arent you answering me anymore i wnay tjem to be okay and theyrennot god im giving up on you:.

is it an intrusive thought or a vision of my friend hanging themself, in a peach colored nightgown with scalloped edges, their soft body completely still and cold and mottled purple, the look on their face dead and deprived of oxygen for hours and hours, specifically that they killed themself at 2 am. i would still be awake while my friend was in their bedroom living their final moments. what kind of a fucking friend am i to sit there peacefully in my home scrolling on my phone while my friend in their own home chokes alone on a noose? i can't stop seeing the swaying of their body as they step off their desk, the twitching that happens when the body is deteriorating from lack of oxygen, maybe the ounce of regret before they sleep. i can't say death, i can't say to die. Lord this can't be real. this can't happen. it feels like God has left and i'm alone. i feel utterly alone. i love my friend so much, more than i love myself. more than i can ever love anyone else. God i love them more than i love Jesus and that's far. i pray that God brings me home to Him before my friend ever sleeps too, because if not, if my friend sleeps before i, i'm going too. one way or another i'm not living without them and that's assuming i'd even get the chance to kill myself and my weak heart wouldnt give out just upon hearing the news if they sleep. don't resuscitate me if that happens. if i wanna go, i wanna go, if my body says it's time, it's time.

#yes i get visions but only a few and recently so i'm yet to be able to tell the difference

i want to get better im going to try and get better tomorrow the sun will always rise again and i can try again

and nobody knows and i hope it stays that way

#ill never be an attention seeking whore and let people know i cut #i feel so happy and relieved and overjoyed when other people reach out for help but when i do it #— im an embarrassment

the constant cycle that's been going on for almost a decade of "i'm so sexy and hot and cute, i love myself" to "i can't even look at myself in the mirror without having a panic attack because i can't fathom how i'm that ugly"

maybe someday my best friend will see me as their best friend too

gabsladybugs

i'm young, i'm a virgin, i've never dated, i'm very very very vanilla in my sexual preferences! but i have this huge fantasy where i have a friend group full of disgusting perverts and they all use me and take my innocence and make me gross and perverted like them. i wanna be a freeuse sub in the friend group :ppp need itt soo baddd i had a dream about it the other night cause its all im thinking about and it was lovely ommggjsjdkfn

gabsladybugs

meep corruption kink the first day i realized i had it..

i realized the other day that i have a corruption kink

now i know what they meant when they said they did

who am i without my sexy body?

it scarred <3

i don't think i was ever groomed i think i'm a fucking liar i think i was dramatic and made a shitty explanation for it just going around blaming innocent people for my sick mind and assumptions

i have a weird obsession with my own early-pub and early teen years body. only my own. i don't care about other people's, only my own. i think because as a trauma response (assuming i'm not faking my trauma!!!) my innocence and youth has been romanticized by adults i trusted (i wouldn't say sexualized) and is "desirable" to adults so naturally it's fucked with my brain and i romanticize my innocence and youth and my pre-pub/my early teen body is exactly that. my tiny perky breasts, my slim legs and boxy torso, my button nose, before my curves formed and i filled out, i grew into my nose and my breasts got bigger so they dropped

i was better for 2 days i think and now i'm bad again

i'm done being sad. i don't like this. tomorrow i'm going to get better i promise myself!!!

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