My grandma had a vision from god the night was born
“this child is the antichrist, and will destroy your entire clan from within”
antichrist, demon, monster
this was my name growing up.
I was named after my grandpa
“what’re you doing with MY name?” he’d say
he painted these massive gorgeous oil landscapes
My flesh was his favorite canvas
my blood makes the perfect shade of red
he’d scream monster, demon, why can’t you behave
bruises broken ribs and bullet wounds were ever present reminders of my sin of being being born wrong
My mother was an ER nurse
when I was too broken to do it myself she’d sew me back together
she’d ask “what did the monster do to deserve it this time?”
the first time i thought about killing myself i was 8
i thought about blinding myself at 10, just so somebody would notice “i’m not okay!!!!!”
existing as myself was monstrous, and monsters get round the clock beatings and hard labor, and chlorine gassed
that was when my mom finally decided this is too much
but the divorce, of course was my fault
look what you did to our family she said
look how your siblings weep, from the beatings you no longer shelter them from
look what the monster did
the first time i attempted suicide i was 17
Mom asked if i needed more attention
then She kicked me out at 18
She said, “maybe you shouldn’t come home anymore”
at 23 i came out as nonbinary
at 25 I decided to get HRT
I survived 26 years of constant suicidal thoughts, and debates, and the ever present maybe it’s not really worth it
i have been on earth for 27 years
i have been alive for 6 months
and it turns out they were right
I’m the only monster CAPABLE of killing their little boy
and now his corpse is the fertile ground in which I’m growing into myself
loving myself, for the first time in my life
i can look in a mirror, shower with the lights on, wear clothes that show off my body, and i can do it all thanks to that little boy
my friends tell me i’m strong. but these cracks, fissures, gaping crevasses run so deep, they penetrate and poison my very marrow, and now I love myself, maybe, just maybe I can find enough love to start to mend those wounds too, like only a monster knows how
