tagebuch.

[whitepeopletwitter]

[gassenhoward]

I had it all and nothing at all.

It’s an rollercoaster and I am on top of the loop waiting to move forward but nothing’s gonna happen

[gassenhoward]

It’s been a week since I told you that I loved you and it’s been also a week since I’ve seen your face. It’s been a full week of mental breakdowns and doubts about myself.

[gassenhoward]

I just can’t stop crying

[hipster-aesthetics]

[gassenhoward]

I had a really good day, like this ones where you smile without a reason, but now I’m crying because of you.

[gassenhoward]

Stop sending mixed signals to people who may love you

[gassenhoward]

Yesterday I had a mental breakdown just because you made me feel guilty for loving myself more.

[gassenhoward]

L.

You called me again asking if I’m okay. I cut the line.

[gassenhoward]

You made me fall in love again but I’m scared of you telling me the truth so I will never tell you how I feel even when it hurts every fucking time I see your face.

[gassenhoward]

Mother

I tried to explain the whole situation to you but you never listened so I decided I love myself more. It’s time to let it go.

[gassenhoward]

If that’s friendship I don’t want to fall in love anymore.

[gassenhoward]

“Did you just came to the funeral to make a big scene?”, you told me with an angry voice. I did not hear your voice correctly, putting the words together so they make sense to me. You are talking in the language nobody understands around us. The language I didn’t grow up with. Language both of us have learned after moving to another country. “I am talking to you Justyna”, my brain doesn’t work. I just can’t stop crying. “ I can’t go inside father”. In the room I should go in was my grandmother, dead in an open coffin. Around her all the family and “friends, looking at me with a judging face. He was gone and on my shoulder, there was a warm hand. “Don’t feel judged if you are having struggle with going inside, it’s okay”

[gassenhoward]

Thank you for telling me who I should be and what I should do but never teach me how to love and respect myself.

[gassenhoward]

She’s electric

“And how do you feel about this situation?”, she said after an hour of me talking about my life, which could be a Spanish telenovela episode. And since I did therapy for so long I know that these words never felt as soothing and calming as from her mouth. “I think I’m okay now. I guess.. what do you think... should I do this?”, I answered as I cuddled her more. “First of all you should calm down”, little did she know that her presence made me calm already. “What would I do without you?” , I asked. “I don’t know pumpkin but same. And now let’s watch Yungblud interviews and make ourselves fall in love...”

[gassenhoward]

Love is not about falling.

„Love is not about falling“, you told me sitting in this old chair at the window, being the grandfather you never were when I needed you. „It’s about caring and being there for each other. You know I wasn’t in love with your grandmother when I met her but now I love her dearly and since she is gone I have to understand that I will never see her beautiful face again. Even when she was a beast till the last day.” He smiled. “But you don’t understand anything about love”.

And here I was. Sitting in front of you with a broken heart about to cry and having a panic attack. Not understandig what love is.