Harmless Self-indulgence

[gawrshdonald]

16/10/2023

I had another fight with my sister where she tore me down and told me I had anger problems, I feel completely powerless in arguments with her, because she’s “always right”, she’s very opinionated and headstrong, I feel like I’ll never measure up, which is pathetic, a 29 year old shouldn’t be jealous of a 17 year old

I feel like I’m rotting, I can’t meet people online, all my friends have have distanced from me entirely or are completely unavailable, I stay in my room at all times, I have no joy in my life anymore, my boss has no faith in my abilities, I can’t find different work and I don’t earn enough to move out, I hold in all of my problems or feelings because people will hate me if I express myself now, all of my relationships are parasitic or toxic, I bring people down or suffocate them, it’s becoming increasingly more obvious that I’m the problem

I should never have been born

[gawrshdonald]

10/09/2023

My life is hollow, It's become increasingly apparent that I need to move forward in every aspect, I have taken to doing a lot of things independently and alone, which is great, but I haven't really got any friends, I don't work very often so I need to move on there too, my hobbies only sustain me for a while now, so I need new ones there too

I'm stagnant, I need to find some way to go beyond, but I'm lost and i don't know where to go or what i want

[gawrshdonald]

01/09/2023

I snapped at my family for wasting my time, I wanted to watch a show with them but they made me wait a whole day and then paused it constantly to do other shit or didn’t even watch it or pay attention, they showed that it didn’t mean anything to them even though it was something I was looking forward to sharing with them, it hurts but I’m going to just move past it and ignore it so I don’t cause problems

I messaged Anton to ask if we could hangout and he seemed very dismissive, he hasn’t opened any of my messages since he got back from overseas, I’m just taking the hint that he doesn’t care

Tonight isn’t going very well

[gawrshdonald]

21/08/2023

I hung out with Emily tonight, it was nice and I feel like we can be friends despite being mutuals with her, but I’m going to miss out on events where Emily invites her, which I’m ok with, I think me and Emily are now sometimes friends

I feel a weird energy from her, but that’s fine, she’s still willing to be my friend, I haven’t lost her, but she has definitely chosen her over me

That’s just how it is, I’m just glad I didn’t talk about Em tonight, this is a great first step in maintaining my friendships outside of my group

[gawrshdonald]

16/08/2023

Each day, I try to suppress my thoughts about what has been going on, which is mostly working, I’m not liking how murky it is to describe, because there are a lot of things I did wrong, but not everything is wrong, I’m hanging on to that for dear life, if I succumb to it all being my fault, it will crush me, so I’m not thinking about it

The worst thing is that I will lose friends from this, friends who don’t know this is going on will just think I abandoned them, it feels like I’m losing Emily most of all, they hang out so frequently that it hurts, I can’t ever talk to Emily about this because it will hurt me

I want this to be over, but it won’t end unless I make new friends

[gawrshdonald]

10/08/2023

I’m making progress, I have a greater control of what I feel comfortable thinking about and what I don’t, I’m in a better place, but I still have concerns, once I’m able to completely detach from this I will be stronger

[gawrshdonald]

08/08/2023

I’m doing a lot better, training the new guy at work has proven to me that I can still make new friends and move forward, I’m dealing with this better each day and it’s affecting me less over time

I’m strong and will push through the end of this

[gawrshdonald]

05/08/2023

I had a bit of a panic attack this morning going to work, but the actual day was pretty good, I’m a well liked and inviting person, I always forget about that, but gaining the confidence in my own self will make me unstoppable and truly powerful, I continue to try my best each and every day

[gawrshdonald]

03/08/2023

Anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die

I heard this in a YouTube video today and it rocked me to my core, I think I held a lot of resentment and jealousy this year, I think I need to figure a lot of things out if I’m going to survive the next few months, it feels like I have a time limit now

[gawrshdonald]

02/08/2023

I want to die, I feel very depressed both yesterday and today, I feel directionless, I need to make new friends and do new hobbies, but I’m deeply afraid of being close to anyone, what if I react the same way to new relationships as I have been until now, I’m deeply fucked, the only thing keeping me from living is the fact that I’m a pussy and that I wouldn’t see the end of One Piece, kind of pathetic that my only reason to live is a comic for children

Maybe I’ll kill myself after I turn 30

[gawrshdonald]

26/07/2023

My friend Emily said that our friendship is dead and that we don’t talk as often as we used to, I distanced myself from Emily because I didn’t want to complain about my problems for a month, including the fact that she is now her only close friend, I’m drama free and I put it back on her to talk and communicate this with me if she wants our friendship to be healthy, I’m just going to be normal and enjoy my life however I can, with each step moving forward, I learn to be better

[gawrshdonald]

23/07/2023

My mood has improved significantly since sending my message, I’ve been so much happier and even laughing more, I still think about her a little bit, but I know that I’m going to think of her less and less, my friend Emily saw her two days in a row and told me about it, it’s been causing me a little bit of sadness whenever she has brought her up in the past month, I’ve wanted to tell her to stop, but I thought she would stop eventually and I could ignore it, this time, I decided to stand up for myself and tell her that mentioning her makes me uncomfortable and I don’t like knowing anything about her

She said “lol no worries”, I’m sure I’m overthinking it, but I hope she understands why I need this to happen, I don’t want Emily to not take how I feel seriously, she’s one of my best friends and I don’t want her to pick sides with either of us, considering it’s just a falling out with a FRIEND not a breakup

[gawrshdonald]

21/07/2023

I finally wrote something and sent it to her today, I put everything into apologising for my mistake, standing up for myself and establishing my intentions, it’s weirdly bitter sweet, this feels like the end of a big chapter of my life this year, I’ll always think fondly on what was good about this friendship, but I needed to make my feelings be valid for the first time ever, this was a big decision to make and I hope that it was the right one and leads me to a healthier place

[gawrshdonald]

19/07/2023

She sent me a message today, she hates my guts, I sent two of my friends two different stories about what happened when we went drinking and it turns out that neither of them got the real version of truth from me and got completely opposite halves from the other one, I’ve once again, caused a much bigger problem than I realised I did, my good intentions entirely backfired and it’s very obvious why now, I’m mortified, I genuinely did something truly bad without realising and it has caused permanent damage

Our friendship is completely over

[gawrshdonald]

18/07/2023

The reality is setting in on how my life has ended up, I’m incompetent at my job, none of my hobbies satisfy me entirely, I have no skills, no further education, no goals, I will lose my hair eventually, my eyesight gets worse and worse, I don’t respect my friends, I overstep boundaries, I lie to myself constantly, my room is a mess, I don’t take care of myself or others and I don’t like myself

This is my lowest point

Far lower than any moment I thought was my lowest, I wish I was dead and it’s getting harder to fight that feeling, I don’t trust in my own judgement, because someone like me shouldn’t exist, all I do is hurt people no matter how good my intentions are, I ruin everything I touch

[gawrshdonald]

16/07/2023

Today has been a roller coaster, I was hesitant to see my friend before he leaves for 4 months because of the travel, but it was nice, It felt really good to see someone for the first time in weeks, however, I learned that my problem has progressed in a way that I didn’t think it would, it seems things were never going to be permanent, but what made her mad was telling two different versions of the uncomfortableness to two different people, my indecision and cowardice caused a bigger problem than it should have been, yet again

I’m going to have to apologise soon, but now I’m much more scared of the backlash, I have to decide whether I want this to be repaired or whether I want to let things go for good, I need more time, but if I wait, it will be over regardless

[gawrshdonald]

13/07/2023

Today I wrote a letter that I’m never going to send, it has helped alleviate the pressure that had been building up within me, I needed to let it out and maybe it’s safer to have it not leak out into my close friends, things will get better, slowly but surely