alex

|| tea is quite nice actually, ai sucks || they / he / fae / xe || typology nerd ||

[gayfrogswithhats]

I only cast on 15... HOW ARE THERE TWENTY SEVEN WHAT WHERE DID THEY COME FROM AM I JUST NOT UNDERSTANDING HOW THIS WORKS

[gayfrogswithhats]

The problem with now liking myself is that I've internally become so arrogant. Genuinely if someone says something I disagree with my gut reaction is "you're wrong and that's stupid and I actually don't care". Which, by the way, sucks.

And so I want to work on myself some more to stop being such a loser and I get told to be more self aware and acknowledge positives and negatives about myself. Except now I've gone too far into the extreme of "I'm literally perfect I have no flaws." Except I know I very much do. I just no longer actually know what they are.

Because even when I do acknowledge them, I could justify literally everything to myself. "I'm too quiet" I like being quiet and I don't like people so it's not a bad thing "I overthink too much" okay valid I suppose now how do I stop that "no one thinks about you as much as you think about yourself" oh boy you have no idea how obsessively I think about other people. And aside from that I will basically brush off other flaws I used to believe I have as "well I was just depressed and looking for an excuse to hate myself because it was emotional self harm for me."

I'm not saying I'd like to go back to that but... This is why I need my inferiority complex.

[gayfrogswithhats]

I'm genuinely so grateful for my friends and how understanding they are. I'm really not good with socialising and because of general energy levels and anxiety and also just forgetfulness I'm really bad at responding to people or starting conversations. But they're always so understanding and with one of my friends sometimes I can't respond for even a week and honestly she deserves someone who can communicate normally but I'm infinitely grateful for her patience and kindness and I'm so glad I have her in my life.

[gayfrogswithhats]

Idk if I have something actually wrong with me or it's just my iron levels playing up again or something but GOD I actually cannot do anything. I get dizzy so easily from standing up or walking or literally just existing sometimes. I can't even do my daydreaming pacing (which is only 10 - 15k steps a day) without suddenly feeling really off.

I had to stop because I feel so lethargic and maybe I just need to exercise more but at the same time I'm literally doing over 10k steps a day and I walked to the library earlier which is around 20 minutes or so. I live such a sedentary lifestyle so I don't usually notice it but the second I try to do even slightly more than usual (e.g. going outside) I feel completely and utterly drained and everything kinda aches a little.

I feel like I'm getting old already and I'm still in school.

[nayasch]

From @gayfrogswithhats

Give them a cat. I don't care about anything else I just want to see them with a cat.

[fierykage]

{ ツナシズ　ラクガキ }

[gayfrogswithhats]

The way I view my gender is complicated because if I'm being honest I wouldn't say I have any particular attachment to masculinity. Growing up I was never a tomboy and was perfectly content with dresses and long hair and to do this day I feel mostly content with most types of feminine expression. But, and maybe this is just an extension of being a woman (ish) under the patriarchy, femininity always feels more like fulfilling a socially expected role. When a boy wears a dress it's a defiance of gender norms. When a girl wears a dress it's conforming to gender roles. And I know there's nuance in both of these. But I know that if I'm feminine I will be seen as a girl and nothing more. So maybe all of this is just that I don't want to exist as a woman under patriarchy. But really my gender identity is that humour sub-plot in a lot of media where there's a guy who looks really feminine and gets mistaken for a girl but when he says he's a boy everyone takes him seriously and it's all "wow you look just like a girl but you're a boy and that's chill." Or I want to be a boy in the way that a lot of anime characters (or genshin characters) get mistaken for girls because they have long hair by older people but when someone tells them that's a guy it's just "he looks just like a girl". And I wouldn't say I want to be butch or anything because like I said I don't particularly want to be masculine if I'm being honest. Maybe I'm just too inbetween for any of this.

I'll just stick with genderqueer.

[gayfrogswithhats]

Unfortunately having an eating disorder has permanently poisoned the way I think.

(TW weight mentioned a lot)

My brother is going to a camp or something and for an activity there's a weight thing. He and I are the same height (1mm doesn't make that much difference it doesn't matter if he's taller) more or less but I overheard my mother say that he's (I think) 46kg. And then her friend is saying how there's another boy going who's 45.1kg (they have to be above 45kg).

And... that was my UGW... My brother is the same height as me too so his BMI is what my dream BMI was... I starved myself and never came anywhere close and there he is...

And even now I weight significantly more (57.7kg today but it's usually in the range of 58 - 60). And yk I'm recovered and all and it's fine I feel comfortable in my body like this and I have energy to do things so it doesn't matter how much I weigh because if I'm eating enough to feel good then whatever weight I am after that is a healthy weight right?

But... he's my literal goal... My body image isn't as bad as it used to be but I think I could still definitely stand to be thinner and he's the weight I starved myself for but never reached. I know it's because he struggles with his own eating issues and is probably eating very little but still...

I know the envy is the product of unhealthy thinking and I'm better, I'm better I swear. But it feels a little like the universe is testing me sometimes.

[gayfrogswithhats]

Discord and uquiz are making me realise just how much i hate people because WHY ARE YOU ALL SO ANNOYING??? WHY ARE YOU SO INCOMPETENT OH MY GODS YOU'RE AN IDIOT???

I'm in a typology server and I'm not that active but there's a channel SPECIFICALLY for typology help. And so I get notified that someone wants help with their enneagram so I go to help too. And for a while it's all fun and productive and sure it's a little annoying how they can't answer basic questions and just approach everything as "I don't know" but it's fine I can just get more specific. But other people join and then they just end up sending memes and talking about other stuff IN THE TYPOLOGY HELP CHANNEL which ALSO has specific channels for each person who asks for help (idk how discord works don't ask me). BUT GO SOMEWHERE ELSE IF YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT THAT OH MY GODS and it just devolves into something senseless and unproductive. And there are a couple of actually intelligent people who are contributing useful information but the person who asked isn't even answering it and arhghghg I hate all these people.

So to destress I do some uquizzes because that's fun and I get that most of them are made by literal 13 year olds or something and they're childen and all but they're all SO immature. There are still some good ones but half the questions will be "give me quiz ideas". BRO don't make quizzes unless you have ideas??? You don't have to make quizzes? Or asking for socials and just being stupidly silly and ARHJGJGJ they're so annoying and irritating so I stop doing it and now I'm going to read to forget about it.

But why are so many people so annoying and immature???

[gayfrogswithhats]

ashugjdfhgjdg sp1 or sp5 am i an sp1 or sp5 ahhsgusgh i'm gnawing on the bars of this self imposed cage i don't knowwwww because i swear I SWEAR i'm an sp1 and i relate to basically all of it except i'm not really that assertive i don't think (except i kinda am? sometimes? i really like debating and i can be confident in that) and if i hadn't originally went by core fears i would've absolutely typed head triad and i know that i am definitively competency triad but i relate to BOTH compliant triad and withdrawn triad and going by core motivations and fears i would say e1 fits so much better (though i relate to both) but in terms of behaviour and outward presentation i am basically all sp5 and i really wouldn't type as gut triad and I QUITE LITERALLY FEEL AS THOUGH I'M INCAPABLE OF FEELING ANGER so being gut triad makes so little sense but i see sp1 and that is me if i was betterrrr that is why i act but not how i act and sp1 is me if i was perfect and arhghghghg typologyyyyyy

[gayfrogswithhats]

Back to looking for new clothes for school and I REALLY don't like the dress code for many reasons but one of them being this:

"Please note that this list is not exhaustive"

in regards to items that are not permitted. Okay well do you have a list that IS exhaustive??? Because if so I would quite like to have that!!! PLEASE!!! I NEED AN EXHAUSTIVE LIST!!! I NEED ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING THAT WOULD AND WOULD NOT BE ALLOWED!!! PLEASE!!!

[gayfrogswithhats]

OOoOoooOh wow my arms do not feel connected to the rest of me I am very conscious of how I am moving them this is weirdddd

[gayfrogswithhats]

It is NIGHT and it is still so freaking warm. Seriously I am lying naked in my bed with the windows wide open and it is still 19 DEGREES outside. I'm not even mildly chilly. It's warmer at night now than it is on some of the hottest days in other seasons. WHAT IS THIS NONSENSE

[gayfrogswithhats]

Sometimes I get to thinking about the future and the people around me and how I wish the best for them and all. But in all of these realities there's a persistent sense that I will not be a part of their lives. In their best lives, I will be at most an afterthought as we grow apart and fall out of contact and they'll make new friends, better friends, and I'll be truly happy for them. My brother may die and if he doesn't I'd imagine that we wouldn't speak much and he'll be harbouring all the anger and sadness from now and he'll finally realise that I wasn't really a good sibling and he's better off without me. When I imagine the lives of everyone I care about, I'm never a part of them. And I think I've accepted that I'll never really be truly important to anyone and made peace with the fact that I'll remain as a background character in my own life. Time will pass and everything will come to an end but all I really want is for them to be happier.

[gayfrogswithhats]

I have really mixed feelings about Annabel Lee. On the one hand I love it; I think it's a beautiful poem and I truly adore it. On the other hand... it was written about Poe's cousin... His wife... His cousin who he married when she was thirteen... But it's genuinely a gorgeous love poem and I think the imagery is so idyllic but also tragic. But... His cousin... Who died at 24 but married him at thirteen... Ehhhh

[gayfrogswithhats]

I love my three dogs: woozies, squee, and small. Such complex and thoughtful names. Exactly as they have always been. Of course.

[gayfrogswithhats]

Alongside all the other reasons why racism and white supremacy are bad, there's also the fact that it's just really freaking stupid. "superior race" nonsense IN WHAT WAY BRO? It gets slightly hot outside and I am dying in every conceivable manner. My skin burns to a crisp and since I have blue eyes I CAN'T SEE ANYTHING??? I AM BLIND BECAUSE OF THE LITERAL SUN. I am rendered defeated by slight TEMPERATURE.