I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry I was a stubbornly ignorant fool. I never meant to hurt anyone, and I couldn’t see how I could have. I didn’t see the ignorance of my words, and when people tried to show me, I shrank back and refused. When they persisted and tried to move me past my stubbornness, I perceived it as attack and shut down completely, content to wallow in my ignorance while wondering why everyone was yelling at me.
I was transphobic. I was resistant to that term because I felt it was a misnomer. I was more…trans-ignorant, I felt, than “transphobic.” I never feared or hated trans people, and would never think of wishing any amount of harm against them, nor would I ever treat them any differently, so where did the word come in?? It came in my ignorance, of course, and the fact that I kept it up. I couldn’t see what I was doing because I was too busy, I felt, being attacked. Things escalated too quickly, and rapidly became too big to control. I felt like there was no going back, no correcting myself, no apologising at that point. I shut down.
I had a warped view of trans people, and I was too ignorant and stubborn to acknowledge it–to see it, even. It’s no excuse, but I think some of my problem with trans perception comes from my first trans exposure. I didn’t know of anything beyond gay/straight, so when my (ex)friend came out as trans when I was seventeen, I didn’t know what the fuck it was. He was the first I ever heard of it. It was weird to me. It was entirely foreign. It took me a while to grasp, and longer to gender him correctly because I still remembered him as a girl. He was a smart person. I looked up to him, but he was always condescending to me and fought me on everything. He was intolerant of me and my identity, and whenever I would share something on my page, he would shoot me down and patronise me for my opinion. Of course, we’re no longer friends. I’ll always wish him well, but he did colour my view of trans people. Immature, yes, but it’s hard not to let a jerk taint your view of a minority, especially when that jerk was your introduction to the minority.
Back on topic. Yes, I was a complete jackass. I was completely ignorant and defensive about it. I was a raring transphobe. Was. It’s been a long time. In the past year, I’ve done a lot of growing up. I’m not transphobic anymore. I don’t have such crazy, rigid views about gender. I’ve learned a lot lately. Gender is a bunch of crap. It’s a creation, like culture and religion. What’s to stop you from claiming another gender, then? It’s not “weird” to me anymore. In fact, it’s beautiful, and perhaps exalted and superior. I see moving beyond the gender binary as beautiful, strong, brave, and enlightened, and I have no idea why I was so resistant to it before. I’ve even realised my own gender identity is non-conforming.
I’m not the ignorant jackass I was. I shed that a while ago. I know now that my ignorance was hurtful, and, from the bottom of my heart, I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt anyone, and if there’s anything I can do to ease it, please let me know. I welcome the opportunity to talk, to discuss, and to answer any questions or address any concerns you may have. I only ask that you come in peace, as I do.
Please give me a second chance, a chance to show you how I’ve grown.
