Full-time Sinner @gaypanic-blog - Tumblr Blog

Surgery (hernia repair)

It was supposed to be an hour maybe 90 minutes and 4-5 incisions. It was an hour late by the time they wheeled me into the OR and things were going to be fine. No catheter, yay. One IV. I woke up in a complete daze by a very kind, gentle nurse who talked to me and kept telling me to breathe. He told me surgery took longer than expected and I wouldn't find out till I saw my wife much later that it was over 4 hours long and it wasn't until the next day I counted 13 incisions. I remember when the nurse finally wheeled me back into my room and my wife showed up and I was relieved. I could sense though something was off and I was delivered the news of the long surgery time and was shown briefly the carnage on my fucking stomach. I forgot to mention before they took me into the OR the anesthesiologist told me I have a heart condition that is somewhat serious but not enough to stop surgery. Something about the electricity in my heart sometimes slowing down. That was lingering in my mind before and after surgery. My stomach was so cut into. I was really sad. I actually had the thought, "I may not want to have top surgery now." My wife assured me getting your abdomen cut into 13x is severe compared to what they do with top surgery but I'm scared now. I'm 36 and I have something wrong with my heart? I'll have to come back to top surgery. I told my mother in law about the heart stuff and my wife confided to my sister about it too. I'm hesitant to tell my mom but I imagine I'll tell her when she comes up on Wednesday. The most wonderful thing about all of this is having someone who will take care of you every step of the way. When I got stuck in bed and couldn't get up, when I can't even wipe my own ass, or shower, or put underwear on. My wife continues to show me how wonderful she is and these past few days make me love her even more. To feel this vulnerable and scared and to have her here with me has made this whole thing bearable. Now if I could just take a 💩

4 days post op and I would do almost anything for a goddam bowel movement. 😓

I have to have surgery on August 15 and the only reason I'm slightly bummed is this isn't top surgery. I have to do the right thing though and get this stupid hernia fixed. I wish someone would have told me a month ago my intestines are sticking out of my abdomen but yeah always assume the medical field will fuck up your shit somehow. Cos it will always happen. I'm glad to get the over with cos then I can get my consult with the surgeon who will do my top surgery later this fall. Little steps I guess. My goal is still to have top surgery by the end of 2017 and 2018 no more fucking binders.

#top surgery #ftm transgender #trans #still waiting

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#beyonce #formation #2016

reddeepblue

Okay I’m back from my hiatus. I have grown a lot and things have drastically changed. First off, my mother in law moved out in December and that was the best Christmas gift to have; my wife to myself and our quiet home back.

I got accepted into the apprenticeship in July and the 10 months of training has been shrinked down to 8.5 months and I graduate in April. I can’t believe I’m closer to the ending. I have grown, learned, and absorbed so much information.

I think I might be have ASD and I’m taking the first step to speak with a medical professional and get diagnosed. My IBS issues remain the same; all the tests come back normal but I am still in chronic pain, one ARNP had the nerve to tell me that I just have to accept that this is what my life is and will be. I got super pissed and realized... this might actually be true. I had to get more serious about being gluten free again and my health is improving.

The fact I have had the best attendance at my job is amazing. My boss acknowledged that and congratulated me by approving a week vacation. I am so excited!!!!

I got a macbook, i hated the one year without a computer. You realize that tumblr on an iPhone just got tiring and typing anything long was just too hard.

I wasn’t able to achieve my goal of top surgery this year, and I don’t know if 2016 will be the year to do it, but I’ve gotten serious about losing 20-30lbs before I have it and I think 2017 will be the year I get it and I’m really excited.

Being in this apprenticeship made me realize so many things; I have a career and it’s so important to finally feel like it’s not just a job, this is something i want to do and be successful in and sharpen so I can have a great career as being an adjudicator. Which in turn realized that my coping skills for my mental health are okay, but it’s not going to make me get better in handling stressful situation, and if I remain successful I need to learn better techniques and speak to someone.

So I am here now.