私を傷つける

I like dogs and murder inactive. new blog: petitepervert

[gayretardednerd]

OKAY so I finally got back into this blog but I realize that my new blog I have a lot more followers probably because I keep a theme and never post anything with my ugly face LOL anyway update I'm 17 now everything on this blog is irrelevant and if you're still following me cool I guess but go follow my actual blog ok lol bye

[funnylilcharacter]

[ipsisms-deactivated20210223]

[gayretardednerd]

Today was HORRIBLE. Well I mean it was okay. I try to make the best of it but everything lets me down so I usually have really low expectations so I won’t get let down. School was okay until 4th period. My teacher was in a bad mood. She’s usually a bitch, but today was worse. She got mad at everyone because they didn’t bring their books because our principal took our class set so we aren’t used to bringing it. One random girl she hates didn’t bring her book so she took away her phone (from the box it was already taken away in). That doesn’t make sense? She turned it in in the morning, and she didn’t use it. You can’t just take peoples phones bc you have a personal vendetta against them lol. Ok so anyway, everyone copied the answers for a worksheet but we had almost no work and she made us all turn it in and she asked for my work and I’m just gonna say I threw it away lol. Or write random scratch numbers and formulas. I really hate choir. I hate every class but especially that. In yearbook I had fun bc my sister and my teacher are funny but I didn’t finish my work. My hair was greasy today. In theatre tech I did stuff. I sound like a whiny brat but I have way too much school. I got home and walked the dogs and took a shower. I left to therapy until 6, and then by the time I got home, ate, and did homework, it was already 8. I have to go to bed at 9:30 to be rested enough for school. That’s an hour and a half of free time. I barely even got to go outside today. 

In therapy I realized that one of my main stems of depression is loneliness. The loneliness is from being ignored. Specifically from my parents, but other adults too and some kids. I don’t mind being ignored, but I need something to fill it. I don’t want to be involved with my parents, because it’s forced and I want someone who genuinely likes me. I completely accept the fact that I am ignored by my parents. But it leaves me lonely. Nobody listens to me and it seems like my situation can never be helped. I can’t change anything if nobody even listens to it. By the looks of it, I do need changes. I need school changes, mostly. I can have more time to do things that make me happy. But it’s unhealthy to depend on people for happiness, because people come and go. I feel like I’m taking a big risk by depending on Alex for basically all my purpose and happiness, but I can’t help it. I don’t really have much else. I’m lazy, simple-minded, too short and too wide to model (and too flawed), apathetic, unmotivated, rude. I can’t go anywhere in life. I’m self conscious and I can’t get anywhere if I’m unsure of myself, because it will make other people unsure of me too. Anyway, I don’t know what will fill the void of my parents. I don’t have a lot of friends. I don’t really talk to them about my problems. My sister isolates herself a lot so I don’t talk to her as much as I’d like, but she complains of being ignored. I feel guilty because I got more treatment than she did but she’s the same level as me. It’s sad. I want people who are equivalent to how parents should be. I don’t know what parents do to help you really, but it’d probably help. I just don’t want to be ignored anymore. Or at least my ideas. I wish people would at least listen instead of yelling me before I start. Oh well. But there’s my two main stems. School and attention. Alex is the only one who gives me attention, so he’s the only one who makes me happy. 

My eteachers are just unfair and I’m FED UP WITH IT my dad tells me to suck it up bc a lot of people are stuck doing things they don’t like but I can’t just quit the school like I can quit a job so it’s pretty different. Today my friend and I were discussing the whole school making a mass exodus from school or refusing to do things until they change. The whole school would have to or it wouldn’t work. It probably wouldn’t work anyway. I can’t quit it without my parents authority and permission, and I’d need to homeschool. I can’t just quit or transfer like I could for a job. I’m sick of the made up rules and all the FUCKING BULLSHIT at my school. I’m tired of the lies they tell to scare kids into doing something especially because the kids actually believe it omg. Poor herded sheep. I’m not dealing with it. I’m not.

Ok that’s all I have for today I’m so angry and I’m glad I only have 2 days left of this week I’m so done with the whole school year I don’t care I’m fucking DONE

Clarification: Alex nvr ignores me ever but I still feel lonely bc he's not physically with me just electronically.

[chatmonstre]

[placebonacebo-blog]

I have tons of homework but funimation said I should be watching

[yourinnocentlittlegirl-deactiva]

[punk-]

[202111-deactivated20150505]

[gayretardednerd]

thoselonelyeyes:

think about what your dog would say to you if he knew how much you hated yourself

[gayretardednerd]

4/22 set the trees ablaze. I'm such a gaylord. Ok I was really angry today too.

This morning, my stepmom smelled me and said, "you smell like smoke, are you smoking?" and I said, "No, I'm not retarded" and she was like I didn't say dat blah blah blah WHY ARE MY PARENTS SUSPECTING ME OF THIS. I swear it never happened until I told my therapist about how my parents don't trust me and gave examples like not being able to have incense bc I might be smoking and stuff and right after they assume all this stuff. Somehow things I only tell my therapist get to my parents right afterward. I just got a new therapist, but it happened with my old one, too. Is this with everyone or what????? Do all therapists break confidentiality for minors? Just general stuff. Besides the rule of suicide/homicide/abuse risk. It infuriates me. My parents won't reveal their underlying motives and it makes me so mad. Stop being so secretive.

Other than that, I'm angry because my principal selectively forbade the class set for my chemistry class because they find books outside sometimes. I am not taking my book back and forth every day. Literally the only class I don't have a class set in (sorta). Also I just generally hate my school and I wish I could change so badly. PLZ.

I miss Alex and I just want to cuddle and nap and hear childhood stories. I'm so lonely and sad and ignored. (by my family)

[queencitysavior-blog]

Types of people who romanticize small town life:

People who didn’t grow up in small towns

[joeeatspeople]

#THE LOCALS AREN’T QUIRKY#THEY’RE RACIST

[itsreallystupid]

#THERE’S NOTHING TO DO #EVERYONE’S ON DRUGS

[gayretardednerd]

#IN N OUT ISN'T FOR 50 MILES #NO GOOD FRIENDS #NO SCHOOL OPTIONS BESIDES LOCAL SHITTY PUBLIC HIGH SCHOOL DOWN THE STREET

[lunathepug]

[gayretardednerd]

Hello well-groomed male teenager with boyish features here 

[trapcard]

I like how people have a problem with the whole calling someone “daddy” in bed because it’s “weird” but yet they will call the other person “baby”. What you like fucking babies? You weird ass baby fucker

[irstaxcode-deactivated20150908]

[nouveauricheprincess-blog]

[pablopicassito]

"Shinji, hit the fucking blunt!"

[gayretardednerd]

DANGIT SHINJI