🖤 @geekygoddesss - Tumblr Blog

Aug 9, 2022

You (Part 45)

Summary: After Tom breaks the longest relationship he’s ever had, both of them seem to handle the breakup in a completely different way.

Words: 7.8k

They had only made it halfway through dinner before he finally realized how nervous he actually was.

It was crazy how easy it has been for him to mask such a thing in such a long period of time, and with such smoothness, taking into account he felt like the heaviest of weights was laying on his back. He almost felt proud for keeping so much composure during this whole evening, one wrong step and he would have lost his mind entirely, but he didn’t, and in fact, he felt pretty good about everything at this very moment. It was just a matter of time before he could finally address things as they were and eventually feel better. Or, at least that’s what he thought.

At the theater was when he finally felt anxious.

Given that he was supposed to give a speech he did not rehearse beforehand, take a couple of pictures and sit through a couple of openings before the film started rolling, once the movie was finally playing, he couldn’t help but feel anxious about what was to come.

He thought, at the moment, maybe it was this feeling of distance that made him feel like this. She would often sit by his side when she came over to these events and would hold his hand all the way through, whether he was nervous or not. She would be right there with him, giving him support, and today she was doing it too, but from a distance; not by his very side and in a very different situation.

At the time, it seemed like a logical explanation of why he felt so strange; he just missed her, and this moment felt too weird. He was willing to go through that feeling though, at least until the end of the film, and wait for the right moment to get a second alone with her and… just be. That’s all he wanted, a moment with her, just by her side. Lucky for him, even when in his head that moment seemed like it would come sooner than later when dinner time came, he finally started to doubt if that moment was taking longer than it should and whether he should start feeling worried about the situation or not.

At some point that night, he just didn’t know where she was.

There was not a moment during the whole night when he didn’t turn around or looked to his side just to make sure she was around. He thought it might be that what slowly got him to be so paranoid. He grew so paranoid that sooner than later, he found himself to be slightly stressed when he didn’t see her face around the room, and in addition, an empty seat was carefully placed between his family’s table. That seat was empty, and it was empty for a reason. It was empty because she had left, and the fact of not knowing why she did made him even more nervous.

He knew his nerves were playing him badly, and he reckoned he should have stopped and calmed himself down a long time ago before he did any sort of bad decisions; but at this point, with such tension, a number of glasses of wine in his system and a lot of determination, he was willing to get to the bottom of it, now.

“Harry!” he found himself calling his sibling, the second he had spotted him from the corner of his eye crossing his side of the table. “Where’s (Y/n)? Do you know?” he dropped both questions without thinking twice, “she was there seconds ago, I saw it. What happened?”

Harry almost seemed startled at the bunch of questions being thrown his way all at once, he had to stop in place all of a sudden, and with a determined look, he turned on his side and leaned down to level his brother.

“Mate, she left”.

That response only echoed inside of his head a million times in a single second. He couldn’t even process that coherently right now, he was too nervous, and -slightly- drunk. Not a good mix.

“What do you mean she left?” he rushed, right the second. “Did she say why? Was she all right?” he worried.

From the look on his brother’s face, he could only assume he was just making the situation a bigger deal than it actually was. The way Harry left out such a sigh and shook his head told him enough, he was just exaggerating, but still, he wanted to know what was happening with his girl.

“She didn’t say. She seemed okay though,” said Harry with a shrug. “Mom said we’d see her tomorrow for breakfast; or lunch, maybe dinner” he added. “I have no clue, sorry”.

Part of him felt some sort of relief now, that he had to admit. It was just too hard to believe she was even here, in the first place, and now that she isn’t around… it just puts him on edge.

“Okay,” he nodded his head heavily, as a big sigh freely left his lips. “I’m worried now, whew” he admitted out loud, without a single filter.

Harry frowned back at him. “What about?”

His eyes widened almost immediately in response.

“Mate,” he just let out, trying to send out one unspoken message.

He didn’t even notice when the almost empty glass of wine had made its way to his lips and drank the rest of it in a single sip. He was stressed, and he needed something to calm him down. This just came as a reflex now.

“Chill, she’s in her room,” said Harry in comfort “she’s not going anywhere”

Right. That was it. She wouldn’t go anywhere.

“Was she good? Are you completely certain?” he asked one more time, just to ensure it was fine.

“She was not mad, or sick, or upset, or anything at all, I promise”

Hearing that from his own brother, and also, from somebody whom he knew was aware of his girl for the majority of the time, brought some sort of calm into his mind. He felt partially better, especially to know that she was overall okay, but still, he just couldn’t help but to still feel uneasy. He wanted to feel okay and also feel okay whilst being in such an important event, but truth be told, he did not want to be here if his girl was not.

And with that premise in mind and a lot of impulsive instincts in his body, he took a decision, because he was starting to stress easily and he did not want that, at all.

“I better take off as well myself” he announced, just as he carefully set his cup back on the table in front of him and got up. “See you tomorrow?” he asked, palming his younger brother in the back twice.

“Surely…” Harry frowned awkwardly, looking straight at Tom as he raised to his feet. “Y'alright?” he asked.

Funny question. He was not going to answer that.

“Good” he nodded back at him and stepped back, “text me before breakfast, I’ll find you”.

He did not even dare to add anything else before he fully took off. He’s been wishing to get out of that place for a while. Right now it just happened to be perfect timing for him to go, and he would not take another minute sitting at that table, wandering over the same issue over and over.

He didn’t even take a moment to say goodbye to the rest of his family before he made it out of the venue and into the lobby of the hotel. Pressure was starting to heavily power over him. He just wished to find the right place to calm his mind, cool off, and maybe have a cigarette while he was at it and try to go back to being his regular self. He was just feeling unusually nervous at this time, and he could sense it might not be the best time to be like that.

Once he made it right to the place he wanted to be, he realized he really had no idea where to go next.

If he had to be honest with himself, no, he didn’t want to go back to his room all by himself. Also, he did not wish to visit some other place and sit around alone just to be as lonely as he would be anywhere else. Neither did he want to take a swing around the hotel’s bar and watch depressing pictures of people either drinking away their problems or trying to pretend they’re something they’re not for the night. None of it seemed like a viable option; instead, he decided to follow his instincts and move to the hotel's reception to ask the one question that has been floating on his mind for the past hour.

It was only a matter of time.

Before he even noticed, he was already walking down that empty aisle in the sixth floor; he watched the numbers grow as he slowly made his way in, but still not quite finding the one he was aiming for. He seemed lost at first, he thought, and he hoped he wasn’t; but just when he was about to lose hope and give up his search, he found it.

Room 645.

His girl’s room.

Maybe it was intrusive, that he knew. He shouldn’t be here, especially so late at night. He should have waited until the right moment and given her a call the next day, at a reasonable time and when he was better mentally, even when he could not (for a second) be certain of that. Now, this might just as well be a bad moment to be approaching her room, and of that, he was aware of, but there was something in him that told him maybe this was not as bad of an idea, and maybe, he was meant to be here, now, in this very moment. He could feel it.

He hasn’t seen her in so long, today almost felt like a delusion for him, he just needed to make sure she was really here. Just once, even if meant to only see her for two minutes. He needed to see her, just once.

Goodnight, he thought, he would only stop to wish her goodnight and call it a day; that seemed reasonable enough. He hoped.

Still being a bit hesitant and having a couple of thoughts on the matter before doing anything, and just to make sure he wasn’t stepping in there in a bad moment, he decided to lean his ear over the wooden door just a bit, just to make sure she was at least awake.

He did not mean to eavesdrop, by any means, he just wanted to know she was there; if not, he would walk out without a doubt.

Silence. That was it, at first.

It was silence, and there was more silence until there wasn’t anymore and then he could breathe again. The sound of her dim voice at the other side of the room brought him joy almost instantly, he was delighted to not only hear it, but to know that only one small action of his and he would get to hear it in person, sooner than he thought.

“Mom, I’m fine, stop asking” he heard her grunt under her breath. “Not at all, it’s pretty warm here, I’m sure my jacket will be more than enough”

On the phone, he suspected she was on the phone, that must be why she was still up; it might be bedtime, but it’s never too late to check in with her mother. A golden rule he got to learn after the very first year they started dating.

“Mom, I’m in the states, not in London. There’s a pretty big gap between one and the other” she said, he dared to say it sounded almost like an argument, but he knew it wasn’t, this time it was just a regular response on her part.

He stayed there for a good minute before he finally decided to take a step back from his place.

He doubted, he doubted a lot. He couldn’t make up his mind on whether it was a good idea to be here at all, especially when her attention was placed somewhere else and clearly did not wish to be anywhere else.

He didn’t know. This mere decision was frustrating him for no reason, and he hasn’t even done anything.

He stayed there for another minute, just thinking; took one step forward, knocked on that door twice, and took a full step back. That was it.

It was hard to know if she even heard him in the first place, for a moment he completely thought she did not and called it a complete failure for the night. If it wasn’t for the small silence that formed after the mumbling stopped from the other side of the room, he wouldn’t have grown so nervous all of sudden, and for a moment, he finally felt like his heart had stopped entirely without any previous warning.

“Yes?“ said her voice from the other side of the door. Her sweet and beautiful voice.

He went completely speechless. No words were muttered on his part, not until he finally remembered how to articulate words, at least in a coherent way.

He clears his throat very quickly, making sure to not accidentally say something stupid in the first place.

“It’s me” were his words, making sure to be very clear, even when he was saying nothing.

There was a small silence.

“Who’s me?” she asked, a small bit of doubt suited her voice. For a moment he wondered if she was serious.

His mouth opened and closed in a single motion but not a sound came out. A small rush of panic came over him.

Her door opened suddenly, completely catching him by surprise, even when he at some point expected to see her face, just not now.

He froze in place entirely. He really did.

His hands felt cold, his body stiffened, his breathing stopped, and his eyes opened nervously. Seeing her now was like a shoot of energy he didn’t know how to handle, and it felt odd.

He didn’t know what to do. To stay here looking like an idiot or to be the first one to speak, a difficult decision.

“Hi,” he said under his breath, a puff of air leaving his lungs suddenly, as he lazily lifted his right hand to wave.

“Hi” she repeated just like he did, cracking a small smile as she spoke.

He couldn’t help but notice the red tint spreading on her cheeks in a single instant. Typical of her, but he didn’t know if that was a good or bad sign.

“I’m totally interrupting, I’m so sorry” he nervously chuckled “I heard you on the phone. Not that I meant to eavesdrop or anything-“

“No, no, no, no. You’re fine” she assured him quickly.

“I just wanted to see you were settling okay, wish you goodnight”

“Sure,” she said, showing him a small and shy smile.

He didn’t know what else to say, if he really needed an excuse to explain why he was here, that was it. He had nothing else to say.

“I shouldn’t have come” he concluded, almost in surrender and he went to take a step back.

“You’re good,” she quickly said, before he could even dare to leave. “I just- Let me say goodnight to mom. Come in,” she waved, as she entered the room.

Now, this was something he was definitely not anticipating. He did not know how to proceed with this.

“Are you sure?” asked Tom, really finding himself unsure of this “I really didn’t mean to interrupt”.

“You did not, I swear” she answered, as she took a step back and opened the door for him, “just let me finish this call, it’ll be a second” she kindly smiled as she continued to walk in.

“Take your time, love, no rush”

“Got ya”

If it was for him, she could take all the time in the world, he thought. She could take an eternity. Hell, she could even take the whole night just having him sit there and wait, but that wouldn’t stop him from being excited about where he was right now.

This was incredible.

She really did that. She was letting him enter her room, just like so. He didn’t even need to ask, here he was, and he wasn’t even planning on this.

He didn’t think he would get this far.

With slow steps and a fast beating heart, he found himself struggling to walk himself into that room so easily.

He watched her go to the other side just like so, almost whispering as she spoke into the phone, mumbling goodnight to her mother and wrapping up her call.

Everything was oddly neat, but at the same time messy, almost put together in a rush as if the only steps she had taken in this room were to take her stuff and leave somewhere else. That’s how her day went, he guessed; she must be tired, she seemed a little tired. He wondered how bad of a moment it actually was that he was here.

Less than twenty seconds, that’s how much it took for her to hang up the call, finishing her call in the most delicate way possible so it seemed normal, even when she somehow looked almost as nervous as he was.

She set her cell phone down on the nightstand as soon as she was able to. Turns to see him, puts both hands behind her back, and smiles. Just smiles.

Yes, she’s definitely nervous. No doubt.

“Sorry, I am so...” she mutters, looking down at herself, as she shyly shifts in place.

He wants to say he knows what she means right away, he really does, however, at first, he did not know what she meant. He was too distracted to even take a guess.

Dressed down.

She meant dressed down.

If he were to be honest, he didn’t notice for a second the pronounced contrast between them. He was too formal, she was too cozy, as she should; dressing in those old pair of sweatpants she’s been wearing for years and a silly Harry Potter shirt that suited her so big it almost reached her knees. She was ready for a good night’s sleep. He was just finishing up a whole day and night of work and being in front of a public.

“That’s fine. If anything, I am the one who’s overdressed” he quietly chuckled.

Her forehead frowned slightly. “What do you mean? You just came out of your own premiere” she mocked.

“And I’ve been at it for the entire day, I should be sleeping, lady” he pointed.

A small smile appeared on her face. “Then that makes us two”

That did make them two, indeed.

Did this mean he should just say good night and take off?

Did this mean he was being totally inappropriate?

Should he just tell her to meet him tomorrow and leave her alone?

All those options were right in front of him. He just couldn’t decide what was best.

“You look great” was what first came out of his mouth, in truthful words.

She blushed, almost instantly.

“Thank you, I guess” she chuckled, shaking her head slightly “you’re not too bad, yourself”.

He scoffed, “I guess not”

There was a small and uncomfortable silence. It made him nearly freak out.

“I thought I would see you after dinner, I didn’t know you left so early” he mentioned, for once, breaking the ice.

She took a bit of a moment before answering. He could tell she felt guilty for just that, but she shouldn’t be, nobody would ever judge her for such a thing.

“I took a flight at four in the morning and ran straight to the theater just after I arrived. I’m pretty tired” she explained.

He almost gasped at that mention. He didn’t know her timing had been that tight.

“No, you didn't,” he said in surprise. “When did you get here?”

“This morning, at ten,” she said.

At ten, he thought, that’s why he didn’t see her until almost making it into the theatre. That’s why he didn’t see her before.

“Now, that makes sense,” he mumbled to himself quietly. “I didn’t see when you walked out, it sort of surprised me. I got a tad stressed” he found himself admitting.

Her head leaned to the side instinctively, “why?”.

“I don’t know,” he shrugged. “I just wanted to know you were having a great time, and you left halfway… I thought something was up, but I’m just paranoid like that. You can sue me” he said, lightening the mood.

He hoped this worked, really, because if not, it would definitely seem like he was watching over her at every single moment.

For his luck, she didn’t seem annoyed at all, instead, that guilt on her face just grew a bit more.

“No, I should have said goodbye, I’m sorry,” she said right away.

“Hey, don’t apologize, silly” he stopped her before she continued to panic.

“No, but it’s true”

“Nonsense”

“I should have told you I was tired, I didn’t want to just leave,” she said.

“And you did well, I just wanted to stop by and say goodnight,” he said.

She stayed silent for a bit.

“I’m glad you did” she said, cracking a bit of a smile back at him.

He smiled back.

There was something in that room that just made him feel good, complete, and just right. Even with the tension. He felt just right.

“There were too many people at that venue, weren't there?” she asked, a puff of air leaving her lips.

“I know, I couldn’t wait to leave,” he agreed, almost instantly. “Honestly, I don’t know how long I was there for, but I just could not stand another minute” he admitted.

She laughed, and it was such a beautiful laugh. He had missed it so much.

“You were sitting with the important people,” she teased.

“And I couldn’t wish more to have had a good excuse to leave” he chuckled, shaking his head. “Anyhow, I can come back later-“

“No!” She stopped him, almost in a rush. “You just got here”.

“(Y/n), you’re tired,” he said, trying to be more serious, even when he was wishing to stay.

“Nonsense” she shook her head heavily, as she took one single step closer to him. “We barely got to talk at the event. Don’t you want to stay just for a bit?”

He stayed silent for one second, but he already knew what his answer was. Now, he wondered if it could at some level be totally inconvenient.

“Does that not bother you?” he asked, hoping to hear something good.

She shook her head decisively.

“Not in a million years” was her answer, as she cracked a beautiful smile. “Sit down, please?”

“Okay,” he smiled, offering her another smile in return.

That’s just how they ended up just as they were now.

Both of them sat down, one at each end of the bed, a huge distance in between, in silence, waiting for one of them to break the ice and the other to follow along and finally be able to actually share something.

He didn’t know what to say or do. His mind went blank.

They went quickly through the usual small talk you would normally have when any person invited you to their place.

She offered a snack, but he refused. She then tried to offer a drink, and he turned down the offer as well, remarking that he had already drank enough at the reception and one more drink would drive him nuts. She laughed, finding it funny that he was not (for once) bragging at his own resistance, he thought it was quite hilarious himself. He felt more comfortable by then, and decided to crack a joke on how expensive a single beer was in the hotel, so much for opening up a bottle of something, and that was it. That’s where the conversation quickly died.

It was only on them to retake it and turn it into a new one. But, how?

“You can speak, you know?” she said, being the one to speak first, before he could even get a word out. “It’s just me”

Just her… that was the thing. It was pressuring.

He let out a slightly uncomfortable laugh, without being very aware of it. He didn’t really know what to say, it was difficult to think of something clever to start a conversation, he wasn’t so good at that under pressure. Instead, he decided to say the first thing that flew to his head, because maybe that would alíviate the weight of uncomfortable silence.

“If I knew you were coming I would have reserved a better room,” he said, as he looked around, examining it briefly. “Don’t get me wrong, it’s great but- small” he judged.

Not that he thought she cared, but in his eyes, she deserved a whole suite just for her.

“I don’t mind it,” she shrugged “it’s just me”

He shifted uncomfortably. “Still, well, you’re coming with me, I think you’d deserve a much better spot,” he said.

“Using that card for everything gets a little old” her nose crunched in an exaggerated expression. “it’s comfy, I like it”

And of course, she was just fine with what was in front of her eyes, and he felt good with that. If she was good, he was good as well.

Once again, he ran out of things to say. Anything worth saying has just stopped popping up in his mind, and even when he had a million things to comment on, he just didn’t know where to start and when to bring things up. The last thing he wanted now was to fuck up again, so he thought he would be as careful as he could.

Keep it friendly, and honest.

Be careful but still not as careful so she wouldn’t feel like everything had to be softened for her.

Try to tell her everything without breaking apart or leaving details behind in the process.

It was difficult, and he didn’t know how to take care of this, but still, he did what he could. He needed to get over this.

“Listen, um...” he started saying, as he turned to face her carefully. “I’m very glad you made it here, I did not have the time to tell you this but… I really liked to see you around for this, thank you”

If he had to be honest, he would be honest upfront. He’s been meaning to tell her just this all night, he just didn’t know how to.

“No need” she shyly smiled as her head shook just a bit, “you were kind enough to invite me, and I know this was important to you so…” she shrugged.

His chest felt just a bit warmer at her words. She knew this was important for him, and even with the tension, she still came. She still showed up.

“I- uh-” he nervously chuckled, suddenly feeling out of breath, “you didn’t see it because I was everywhere at once but… Fuck, I was- my hands were shaking” he confessed, his brows raising up in self surprise, pointing out the one thing that mattered the least, his shaky hands.

Her face turned just as surprised as his at the mention, clearly showing empathy at the situation itself.

“Oh my- you don’t say,” she said in surprise, “but you’re never nervous”

At that, he laughed.

“Well,” he breathed “surprise”

“You didn’t seem nervous either,” she comforted “you do well at masking your nerves”.

Was she saying that because she meant it? or was she saying it just so he wouldn’t feel bad about being nervous? He guessed he would never know.

“That’s because I am a great improvised, trained actor and charming person. That makes up for it” he tried to say in a teasing tone, hoping it actually sounded like so, because otherwise, he would make a fool of himself very quickly. He didn’t want that.

To his surprise (and relief), she caught that joke very quickly. A beautiful string of chuckles left her lips in a beautiful melody and made the air in the room just a bit lighter.

“I did not expect any less from you, how wonderful” she teased back.

That got a smile out of him very easily. Seeing her being so easygoing now compared to how he had found her to be the last time was like a breath of fresh air. He liked that.

“Well, the movie was great, congratulations,” she complimented, giving him a single nod.

He felt his cheeks heat up almost in an instant; it was nice hearing that from her, he just didn’t think he was expecting that, at all.

“Aw, thank you very much,” he said with a smile, turning back to her just a little more. “Harry told me you cried” he mocked, lifting both of his brows back at her.

He knew it would annoy her so much to know that he knew this information, and he thought it would be so funny to see her reaction. It must have worked, his little trick, because the moment he mentioned it, one single hand flew to her mouth in surprise and a small gasp came out of her.

“No, he did not,” she said almost offended, “what a snitch!”

“You were never a crier, lady, I’m pleasantly surprised” he teased.

“Please, stop” she fakely begged, seeming embarrassed.

“No, but it’s cute,” he chuckled.

“It’s not, it’s lame, Tom”

“Says who?”

“Everyone, nobody wants to cry at the movies,” she groaned.

“I think it’s adorable”

She stopped to look him in the eyes for a good couple of seconds. There was a silence, and a puff of breath left her lungs in a single motion, almost giving up.

“It reminded me of my dad, so yeah,” she said shyly. “I mean, back when I was a kid sometimes I felt like whenever he was there I would try to share so much with him in short periods of time, and then he would be away and I would miss him all of the time, and.... I don’t know, you moved something in there, I cried at the theatre, ugh” she admitted, rolling her eyes exaggeratedly, “a bit embarrassing”.

“No, don’t feel embarrassed, please,” he said in an empathetic tone, “I’m glad you felt something, that’s good,” he said, “I didn’t know it would remind you so much of your father, love”.

A small smile appeared in her lips, her eyes going down to stare at her hands. “Well… it did”.

One would think she was taking it badly, but he knew better already, she was not (for a second) mad about the situation. Of course, she seemed to be embarrassed for being put under the spot like that, but in the end, it was a fun anecdote that now both of them knew and were laughing about it.

Of all things, he would have never thought his girl would be crying in a movie, and now she was crying because of his movies. He found that adorable.

“How was Canada?” he asked casually, changing the subject.

Her eyes went back towards him right that second, almost being surprised at the change.

“Good,” she answered, nodding her head slowly, “still cold”.

He chuckled. “Cold, huh?”

“Hm,” a small smile appeared on her lips, as her look went back down on her lap. “I’m too used to the London weather now, I nearly froze to death on the first days” she chuckled.

“And you made it just fine!” he cheered to her, and her small success. “Did you get to see your parents? How are they doing?” he continued asking.

Because this was just the tip of the iceberg. He wanted to catch up with her in everything he could, every single thing and piece of information, he wanted to know all of it. He has missed so much, he wanted to be able to know how her life was looking like now.

“They’re doing great! Yes, very well” she mentioned, in a small cheerful time. “uh- Dad, he came in for my birthday, that’s good” she mention.

“Oh, lovely. He’s in the city now, that’s great” he said.

“Yeah, I know, it’s really cool” she chuckled, still looking down, not turning her look up at him for a second, before saying, “mom is pregnant, too.”

His eyes went wide, his mind shifted for a second, and a clear look of surprise expanded towards his face. A really clear and obvious look of surprise.

Because of all things, he would have never expected to hear that from her.

“What?!” he exclaimed, straightening up in her seat. “(Y/n)!” he cheered.

“I know!” she exclaimed back, looking back at him in excitement, “I know”.

“You’re going to be a big sister, that’s great,” he said, “congratulations!”

“It’s happening” she breathed, almost being overwhelmed by everything in that small moment,“holy crap”.

“Need advice now or do we leave it for later? I’ve got an entire repertoire” he teased, wanting to reach out and give her a hug, but not being able to, she was so far away from him, it wasn’t the moment.

“I- uh- maybe- um-” she said in quick words, not finding the right thing to say, but also, quickly growing nervous.

He knew what was happening. Something was making her anxious, she was starting to fidget, her breath was slightly heavier and she was not being able to control it. She was starting to feel overwhelmed.

“Oh” he said, the moment he realized what was happening. “Do you not want to talk about this? Is everything alright?” he asked, just to make sure “Sorry, am I being annoying, you can tell me if I am; we know each other well enough”

There was no answer from her, at least not immediate, but tense enough to have him panicking for a good couple of seconds.

She said nothing on that matter. Before taking a small moment to give it a thought, she raised her to look, gave him the smallest of grins, and asked:

“Why are you sitting so far away?”

That question only made his body shiver in a single second.

He didn’t expect her at all to be asking that, especially in the place they were right now. He was sitting far from her because he was afraid that if he did sit by her side, things would her unnecessarily tense and it would make it all worse.

He was also afraid, but not in a terrible way, just in a scary way.

Scared to fuck up.

Scared to say things he didn’t mean.

Scared to repeat the same thing as their last big encounter.

Scared to lose her.

He didn’t want anything bad to happen, and right now, he just felt like each one of his moves counted to make this better or worse.

“I got your present,” said she, as she took the opportunity to crawl on the bed, and sit cross-legged right in front of him.

If he didn’t take the lead, she would be. That’s how it would be.

“You did?” he gulped, growing quickly nervous at the closure.

He could see her eyes as clear as he used to, and he loved the view, right now it was just more intimidating than anything.

She nodded, ever so slowly. He noticed she was determined to say something, and there was enough bottled up in her chest to be the one taking the first step. He would let her do that, in a heartbeat.

She must have been keeping in so many thoughts for all of this time, she must be waiting for this, and now it was his turn to listen.

“It’s been three months,” she said in mumble. “We’ve been apart for three months. Things have been said, we’ve been through many things... I leave the country and receive such a detail from you, I just... I would like to come to a point, Thomas” she said, in a serious voice.

He could feel the back of his neck sweating, his body hair spiking, his throat going dry. He was nervous.

“What-”

“I can’t live through my days thinking that there is something between you and me that doesn’t let us move on; and believe me, I have tried my very best to do just that, but right now I’m having a bit of a rough time to not have you around” she nervously said, a shaky chuckle escaping from her lips. “Can we talk about that, maybe?”

He stayed silent for a brief minute, a long one.

He really did not know how to take this, he didn’t. All he knew was that he had a lot of apologizing to do, and the list was so long, he didn’t even know where to start.

“Come to a point” he breathed, feeling his chest tighten up almost instantly. “This went far off my hands, I don’t even know where we stand anymore”

The corners of her mouth lifted up slightly in sympathy. She didn’t know either, he could tell. They are both in the exact same place of mind, clueless. They don’t know how to fix themselves.

“Was it true? What you said in that letter” she asked, still in that tone that made him feel so tense. It almost made him think she was waiting for some other explanation he wouldn’t know how to word.

“What part?” he almost whispered in response.

“All of it, Tom,” she said right away. “I want to know what you’re thinking now, Thomas, I want to hear it from you” she stated, “If you still love me or not, it doesn’t matter, I want to hear it come from you. Here and now, that’s it” she said, “just give me that, please”.

Not love her? How could she ever think that was the case? He couldn’t even imagine being in a room without her.

This was when he finally realized. All of this path they have taken, all this time apart, all of this suffering; it all came down to this moment. This was his one and only opportunity to make things right, and she was here giving him the chance, so he could amend what he had done and decide what was best for them.

And he wouldn’t ruin that chance, not in this life.

So he did.

He grabbed her hand, just like he did when he needed to feel her just a little closer, he tightened his grip around her palm, placed her hand right in front of his chest, and just… kept it there, just for a second.

“Everywhere I look I think of you,” were his first words, after a little while. “It’s as easy as that I absolutely hate being without you. I’ve felt lost and broken, and I didn’t know how to handle it, and I ended up hurting the one person I have most loved in my whole life” he said, quickly becoming overwhelmed with his own words. “At first I thought this would be just the thing that would make my life feel like a wild ride again, but weeks passed and I just realized... I can’t do it”

Was he overexplaining himself? Making sense?

He didn’t know, all he knew was that his heart was beating too fast and the room felt a bit too hot for his liking. He was panicking more and more by the second.

“You’re the woman I want to marry, (Y/n), there is nothing I have clearer than that, how could I even think that setting you aside would make my crisis any better? How... stupid am I?” he bitterly chuckled at himself. “I am an idiot. I can’t just be away from you and feel complete. I can’t. I feel like all this time I’ve been wanting to make a point, y’know?” he breathed. “I guess I wanted to prove to myself I knew how to be alone, that I can be independent, and that you are perfectly capable of being just fine without me breathing in your neck all of the time. But it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t. It took me about a month to see that you’re the only one that I really know I can lean on and trust, love, take care of, everything... and I’m an idiot, that’s all I have to say”

“You’re not an idiot”

“No, I think I am” he stopped her right away before she could say anything else. “I can’t sit here and explain myself because I have no explanation, you have the right to hate me and I understand if you do, you seemed very sure of that and I am sorry, but I deserve that,” he said. “That’s all I have to say”

There was a silence. A really big, long, and intense one.

She wasn’t saying anything. That was fine because he didn’t expect her to say anything; all of the crap he just let out was only on him to make it sound better and truthful enough, so if he was lucky, maybe he would stop sounding like a prick and she would cope with him.

This was hard, it was really hard. He felt like a failure, and he was. Because if it was the other way around, they wouldn’t be going through this.

“Thomas, you are being way hard on yourself” was her response, not letting go of him for a second, “thank you”.

At that, he felt startled.

“For what?” he asked, again, feeling nervous.

She smiled ever so softly. “For your honesty,” she said.

He blinked heavily. If this was real life, he hoped she wasn’t playing some sort of joke at him, because right now he felt like she really wanted to stay right by his side, and for once, he was being forgiven.

“Do you hate me?”

“No” she answered.

“Really?”

“Really”

He gulped.

“You said it,” were his words “I heard you, you hate me, and I don’t blame you, I do too”.

“Tom, I don’t hate you, I didn’t mean it” she assured him, squeezing his hand ever so softly.

This felt unreal, it all felt like a dream.

“I feel so bad,” he said in a shaky breath. “I don’t even know where to start, or how to fix it, I do not want to fail, this is way too important for me, and I am so scared- I-“

“It’s alright” she shushed him, trying to calm him down.

“No, it’s not” he shook his head in a slight panic, “please just help me, I don’t know what to do, baby, just help me make things right, please”.

Everything happened so fast, that he barely got the chance to know how to react properly.

At first, he just felt how her body crashed towards him in a quick move, hugging him so tight in an attempt of comfort, that he truly felt confused when that happened.

Then came the next part. She cupped his face in between her delicate hands and stared at him with so much attention that his heart felt warm. She was studying him, remembering his face again, memorizing every single one of his features so it wouldn’t leave her mind, ever.

“I missed you so much,” he whispered, “I’m so happy to see you again”.

She smiled, being so glad to hear those very words, and to be in this exact place right now. “I missed you,” she said back, caressing his cheek every so slightly “you have no idea”.

And she kissed him.

She kissed him like it has been years since the last time they ever got to share such an intimate moment. She kissed him like it would be the last time, and like it was the one time she had to make it count.

He held her close, because he didn’t want to go, and this feeling he felt now in his heart felt so deep and beautiful that it became almost addicting to be in the moment.

This felt like a dream made up by his mind and nostalgia. It felt like for once, things were turning out to be good for him, and he was grateful. Because he never thought he would be able to hold his girl again, and here they were, closer than ever.

He missed her so much.

They kissed, and they kissed, and they kissed. He had lost count of how long it was after they both found themselves to be laying down on the bedded mattress.

She undressed him. He undressed her. Things happened, things that felt like a dream come true and that he never wanted to end.

They made love.

It all came down to this, all this time apart, all the distance, pain, agony, and suffering; it came down to this. They made love.

It was at this moment that he finally understood one thing, one that he hasn’t been able to consider this whole time. He didn’t need to explain himself, beg on his knees, write a thousand letters, or cry his eyes out for the one girl he loves; he just needed to show his real feelings.

His girl was forgiving him, and she was showing it by being here and now at his side. And that was the best feeling in the world.

The moment he got to finally hold her in his arms, feel his skin against hers, and caress her hair delicately falling over his shoulder; was the moment when he felt the most grateful he’s ever been in his life. He never wanted this moment to end, and if he ever had the chance to stop time for good, it would be this moment. It was worth more than a thousand victories.

“I love you” were his words once he finally got to hold her just like in old times, and finally knew she wasn’t going anywhere. “I adore you so much”

“I love you, Tom” was her response, as she leaned to kiss his lips one more time, “don’t ever believe otherwise”.

“Stay with me,” he said, almost begging “don’t leave, just stay, please”

She smiled, held him closer than she has ever done, and said.

“I will,” she whispered “I want you now and forever, I promise”.

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