Gender: A Muppet of a Man

Whitney. he/him/his or they/them/theirs. My initial plan for this blog was to journal about my gender feelings every day to determine whether or not I want to transition. But now it's not so much a question of if, but when. Still liveblogging my gender journey though, just more chaotically than I initially intended.

[genderliveblogging]

[genderliveblogging]

I think it's funny how when I told my mom I was getting top surgery she was upset at first and a few days later called me and was basically like "ok I'm looking up pictures of Chaz Bono and he looks pretty normal" (paraphrasing a lot but that was the gist lmao)

[genderliveblogging]

I'd still be genderqueer had I been amab and I have to remind myself of that when I'm wishing I had been born different bc I know my life would have been so much harder and my dad wasn't even that tall so like I can't give up every friend I ever had in life to still be under 5'10

[genderliveblogging]

How can you have an itch where skin is numb??? I feel the itching but can't feel myself scratching?

[genderliveblogging]

Why is my right chest bruised and swollen but the left is fine

[genderliveblogging]

If my mind was truly free I'd give myself a really stereotypical nb name like Indigo or Sage. Or Gonzo.

[genderliveblogging]

It's definitely not the worst part of top surgery recovery, but got damn my chest is itchy and I Know scratching is a bad idea

[tlirsgender]

Many jokes about packers flopping out and bouncing away and such but I still wasn't prepared for how genuinely disconcerting it is for a second when your brain has accepted this as Part Of Your Body & your thang fell off. My pebis

[tlirsgender]

Every time I pull my pants down to go to the bathroom and watch My Penis go with them I have to like. Recalibrate

[tlirsgender]

Many are saying you can affix your pebis with some manner of doohickey but my strap harness isn't comfortable to wear all day & I don't thuink tape would work very well with the bush situation so I'm probably gonna continue letting my shit flop around

[genderliveblogging]

I don't make a habit of weighing myself bc mental health but I got weighed today at an appointment and, as I figured, my weight was lower than usual so out of curiosity I decided to compare it to my weight on the day of surgery and I guess my boobs were about 3.5lbs each.

[genderliveblogging]

Reasons I tell myself I don't want bottom surgery: scared of recovery, don't have That much bottom dysphoria, worried about what if I don't like the results, don't want balls, would have a hard time choosing the type of surgery and deciding things like size and whether to be circumcised, don't want to have to tell ppl about it

Real reason: I'm still holding out for the bionic dick that transthetics has been in the research and development stage for like a decade

[genderliveblogging]

*through gritted teeth* I will not allow the change in my torso proportions from top surgery undo the progress I've made towards better body image.

I will not heavily scrutinize how I look in profile view.

Anyone who would be attracted to me is going to be into my body type, not into me in spite of it.

Also I can't base my assessment of how I look on my torso one week post op jfc

I will not feel bad for being hungry and eating a lot while I have a scar from armpit to armpit that's currently healing.

[genderliveblogging]

I should probably be posting more about how recovery is going shouldn't I

[genderliveblogging]

Talking myself into getting nipple grafts because I realized that whatever phobia I have making me scared of grafts isn't gonna matter that much in the broader context of healing.

[so-i-did-this-thing]

I guess Twitter really needed a middle-aged trans man on the timeline today. Happy to oblige.

[so-i-did-this-thing]

This is extremely funny to me. Yes, I am Twitter OP and I see all y'all thirst tagging and assigning me Professor at Birth. 😅

[so-i-did-this-thing]

Click "like" to charge and "reblog" to cast until I achieve my final form.

[so-i-did-this-thing]

Update: I'm 48 now and finally own proper suits.

[boybeetles]

Transition but instead of starting HRT I just shed my skin like a cicada and have crazy bug sex and die in a week

[boybeetles]

There’s still time . Don’t die wondering . Shed your skin.

[genderliveblogging]

Okay so my bff reminded me recently (in a different context) how much fun jenna marbles had when she shaved her eyebrows bc of the endless possibilities and thinking about this I'm more open to the idea of not having nipples.

[genderliveblogging]

Had a consult for top surgery and am now seriously looking at results images online and it has me rethinking my ideas about what I want

I had been really set on inverted-t mainly bc I'm scared of the complications that can come from nipple grafts but my surgeon doesn't recommend it for transmascs bc to do it requires leaving behind some breast tissue.

But the thing is that I'm also fat and I'm afraid a fully flat chest will look and feel wrong for me but I don't want there to be a possibility of regrowing boobs after going through the trouble of getting surgery.

I was also considering the no nipple route, bc if the aforementioned squeamishness, but the more surgery results I look at the more I realize having none would trigger dysphoria for me.

I don't want to get a type of surgery the surgeon doesn't feel good about doing, even if part of me thinks I'd be okay with the downsides of it I don't trust that it'd turn out good done by someone who says patients are usually unsatisfied with it. (And this is a surgeon I've heard really good feedback about generally)

So I'm leaning towards double incision and showing him reference images and just making it clear that I want a fat guy chest, it should be soft, but I don't want there to be any...Overhang? I guess? No reason to feel like I need a bra to run or go up and down stairs or prevent chafing basically.

So I think the last thing is deciding whether I'd be able to handle getting my chest tattooed rather than grafts. I'm assuming the former is more cost effective. Bc if I might not be able to feel them anyway, should I bother?