Daddy's turtle nose

This is a blog about me. A 32 year old father of a beautiful daughter. She currently lives 1600 miles away from me in another state. This is a way to deal with the emptiness I constantly feel inside, not being with her everyday. She's my life, my love,...

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<3

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Am I that bad of a person??? No matter how hard I think I try, I always seem to fail!! I don't want to be like this anymore! From reading self help books to mediating. Nothing seems to work. I seem to make everyone around me miserable. All my life I grew up thinking there's something wrong with me. As I get older , Im starting to really believe there is.

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#loveher

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Springs

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Having the time of my life with my baby

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Imagine a wave in the ocean. It is immediately obvious to us that a wave is transitory. It lasts but for a moment and then ceases to exist. And yet a wave is made of water which continues to be even after the end of the wave. Suppose a wave had consciousness as we do. It may become terrified of its impending death – just as all of us are. It may see itself as separate from other waves, from the rest of existence. And yet the wave is made of water. If only the wave could get in touch with its true nature – which is that it is water and not separate from the ocean – then the fear of death would vanish. The wave would know that the water and the ocean of which it is a part will continue to exist even after it has ended. And this realization would have the effect of ending all fear of death in the wave.

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http://tr-ibal.tumblr.com/

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Missing you especially since this Sunday is Fathers day. Since you been away from me in NY, this holiday has been one of the hardest for me. Last year around this day I couldn't even get in contact with you. This year I could only wish To receive a fathers day card. I don't keep my hope up cause I'm sure you're moon won't go out her way to send me one from you guys. Next week z I'm excited. I'll be going to Ny to see your recital and bring you back to spend the whole summer with me. I can't wait to hold you, take a nap with you, and act silly with you. Love you always to the moon and back muahhhhhhhhhz

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Danny

Today I lost my best friend. As I write this I'm still in denial. Not many people are as fortunate to have a true best friend in their life. Life is so precious. We have no idea when our last breath is. Today someone has lost a son, a brother, a cousin, a grandchild, and the best friend any one could ever ask for. I fucking love u dee. All our stories and memori we have shared. You will never be for gotten. All I have in my head is one of your last text that you wrote me>>>>...... "I love you! I miss u like crazy no gay shit! You will always be my brother til the day I die!".......love u big bro

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You have been complaining about stomach pains fir awhile now. Mommy gota second opinion and they noticed your lymphnoids are enlarged. I'm driving my self crazy worried about you. The worse feeling in the world is not being able to hold your hand or hold you while you're sick. I'm hoping , well I know you're going to be ok. I wish I was there to take your pain away.

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Miss her

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Eater is this Sunday. Even though its not such a major holiday. I will miss you and your brothers. I love seeing the look on your face during an Easter egg hunt. Especially when I cheated a little and steered you in the right direction to find the best eggs lol. Off the topic babe, i just want to share something with you very important. Its 2013, and unfortunately we still deal with issues like weather or Not gay people should get married. It's unbelievable how many people are against two human beings being happy together and getting married because they are the same gender. Too many issues like this are justified by religious beliefs. I'm hoping by the time you are my age, two people who love eachother no matter the gender are able too and is accepted. Don't ever be afraid to speak your voice and free your mind. Don't follow others be your self. And always remember, Daddy loves u

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Not the same

I don’t know what’s going on with me lately. I’ve noticed in the past months,I haven’t been the same. My “drive” isn’t there anymore. I don’t even look forward to my workouts. I feel down, sad, and fat lol. I think I might be going through depression. Last night I spoke to you and your brothers. The conversation couldn’t be more then 4 minutes. I felt like you guys don’t even want to hear from me. You noticed in my voice something was wrong. I denied it and told you I missed you. As soon as I hung up, I cried like a baby. Not sure. Actually I guess I do know why. I miss you like crazy. Since you have been gone, i feel worthless. Before My job was to be there for you, protect you, and take care of you. Now I have none of those duties. I feel sometimes that I stand for nothing. I’m not motivated for anything anymore. Molly asks me what’s wrong and gets frustrated cause I can’t explain my self. I end up arguing with her, and she’s done no wrong. She will never understand even If I try to explain. I feel weak, lost, and helpless. I think I need help!!!

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Always family

Today we spoke. It's so funny, you told me you have a boyfriend named Sebastian. You made it clear "not to tell mommy" lol. My response was simple- Boyfriends and girlfriends are only for adults. Oh and yeah one more thing, I told you that if you guys kiss. Your lips fall off lol. I hope as we both get older, you can openly communicate with me. Now and later on in life. I will always be here for you. Even though I'm thousands of Miles away from you. I asked if you were mad at me for being far away and you told me yes and started to cry. I'm still part of you're family and always will be. I love you turtle. I hope it gets easier as we both grow. Love you.

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Lost @ 32

Sometimes I must admit, I feel like I should give up. It hurts when your mother says you don't want to speak to me on the phone. Or when she says you draw pictures of just your brothers and her and write down family. Where am I in the picture??? Am I not still considered part of your family because I'm not there with you any more? It kills me. You too young to understand it I guess. I can't be there when you're sick, to help you study, to take and see you in dance class life a real father. Believe me I wish I could. I don't know what to do. I'm lost at 32.

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Bully

Last night I spoke toyou.ofcourse you make my night after we talk. Well sometimes because alot of times I’m usually sad. This time you sounded like a big girl. Lately a girl at school has been bothering you. She’s been calling you names. Because of this, you have been telling mom that you are sick. Its unbelievable how much you are like your daddy lol. I told you that people who make fun of you or call you names do so because they are jealous of you. You’re beautiful and special. That’s the easiest way I could try to explain it to you at your age. As you get older I want you to realize when people do that, when they put you down its because inside they suffer deeply. Its not their fault. Its because of conditions and causes that they come from. The same way that little girl is full of fear, jealousy, and anger so are you and I. That person could be us. Actually it is us. She needs compassion to help her. Not punishment! I'm going to leave you with this quote turtl nose. Its from my favorite buddhist monk. If you ever want to understand the type of person I want to try to be as I get older, study his several books. Love u. “When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment; he needs help. That's the message he is sending.” ― Thich Nhat Hanh