Iɴ ᴀ HᴇᴀʀᴛB

✶ ⋆｡˚ 𝐡𝐨𝐭 𝐠𝐚𝐬, 𝐦𝐨𝐬𝐭𝐥𝐲 𝐡𝐲𝐝𝐫𝐨𝐠𝐞𝐧, 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞 𝐡𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐮𝐦 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐚 𝐬𝐦𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐚𝐦𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐞𝐥𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐬

[geniousbh]

໒ ۪ ⋆ ۟ ！ ࣭ 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐢𝐨𝐮𝐬𝐛𝐡 ✧ ⸝⸝ ּ ⬥ ۫ ㇴ

◜◡◝﹒ laura. ela/dela. 25 anos. escorpiana com ascendente em touro e lua em sagitário. infj-tꜝ﹒ ✎ 𝗄𝖾𝖾𝗉 𝗍𝗋𝖺𝖼𝗄 𝗈𝗇 𝗆𝖺𝗌𝗍𝖾𝗋𝗅𝗂𝗌𝗍 ⋆.˚✮🎧✮˚.⋆

[baekhyundaily]

260506 BAEKHYUN INB100 Twitter Update 𝟸𝟶𝟸𝟼.𝟶𝟻.𝟶𝟼 ʜᴀᴘᴘʏ ʙᴀᴇᴋʜʏᴜɴ ᴅᴀʏ 🐶🎈

[warmfuzzyphoto]

[aakipple]

i caught up to the tamon-kun manga!!!!! they are all so silly.....

[yinyjw]

𓍢 ⋆📖⊹ ˖.𖥔 ݁ ˖ you are reading: preacher's daughter

sjy x f.reader (corruption kink, religious guilt, smut with a lot of plot, sensitive themes, +18)

"in the early 2000s, in some small, rural town, your religious and restrained life collides with jake sim, who makes you doubt everything you know and want to explore more of the world" wc: 19.6k (what was that honesly) author's notes: hii hellooo!!! i don't want to go on about this any longer cause it already took me about a month to prepare this, so despite having very maternal instincts with it, i feel desperate because maybe ill never write this well again! lol (it IS that deep for me okay) anyways! i hope you can enjoy it as much as i did! and here's the playlist i used (i was heavily influenced by ethel cain) tw: corruption kink, outsider!jake x preachersdaughter!reader, no use of yn, use of legal substances, religious guilt, religious stuff in general, heresy, slow burn, opposites attract, size difference, manhandling, heavy make out, dry humping, edging, loss of virginity, p in v, unprotected sex, belly bulge, teasing, marking, cursing, dirty talk, oral sex, clit play, nipple play, body worship (f rec.), guided masturbation, dacryphilia, talking you through it, praising, pet names (church girl, little one), some grapphic violence(? not btw the pairing tho), distorted feelings, a funny turn of events in the end bc im crazy lmao, intended lowercase, and english is not my first language!!! if i forget anything let me know juseyo!

"my children, look at your hands. are they clean? the world outside is a hungry wolf, but inside here, we must be like the immaculate lamb" you heard the pastor preach from the pulpit. formal clothes, shirt tucked into pants, the best shoes you owned, hair so slicked back with a mixture of water and styling gel that it reflected the ceiling lights. when your father's eyes fell upon you, you lowered yours, resting them on the restless hands in your lap. that week's sermon was not in vain.

"remember: your body does not belong to you. it was bought with a price of blood. any desire of the flesh is a crack in the temple, and through that crack, the enemy enters" the man kept his eyes on your figure, and it wasn't necessary to look back to know; your shoulders burned from the indirect exposure. all because he had seen the boy who tended the gardens handing you a rose; which, of course, you had accepted politely.

it wasn't as if you had feelings for the boy, but you also weren't used to receiving attention from the opposite sex - even the church youth groups were careful not to mix genders. besides that, there was the major factor of being the pastor's daughter in a tiny countryside town where everyone knew each other and nothing was a secret.

it had happened to lisa, a former high school classmate, when she had her first kiss and went to confess and seek guidance; she had come out in tears from the small room your father used as an office. that same night, he told you never to speak to or sit near her during services again. or when the late mrs. johnson refused to give her tithe, claiming she needed to pay for the entire family's burial plot since she was the last of the name; the following week she no longer appeared at church, or the week after that, and after, and after... until she was found dead in her living room armchair; your father refused to say why the woman had stopped coming on sundays before her inevitable death from old age.

you sighed when the church bells rang, indicating the end of the preaching. the murmuring grew, and most people stood up, greeting one another, talking about trivialities as they walked toward the exit. you refrained, going to help your father blow out the candles and put away the books. you piled the objects in your lap, heading toward the narrow back door, noticing out of the corner of your eye before crossing the threshold an unfamiliar face going to talk to him.

you arranged everything on the shelves, brushing your dusty hand against your linen skirt before heading back out. your father was no longer there, nor was the stranger, but you saw under the door that the office light was on, so you sat down to wait. if your mother were still around, maybe she would tell you to go talk with the younger crowd while she waited for him, but that was a reality from years ago when she was still alive. you pressed your lips together and sighed, settled once more in the front row of pews.

the silence of the hall made the distant clock's tick-tock echo loudly, and the amplitude of the empty space made the cross positioned on the small altar seem to triple in size. he was watching. even if it wasn't your father, he would know, and he would judge. he would judge your lack of excitement for religion, your little faith, your curious glances, your inadequate desires, and he would whisper to your parent what he should say up there, so that every word was directed specifically at you.

a shiver ran down your spine when the office door opened, pulling you out of your small trance. your father was the first to step out, holding the door and signaling for the other to follow. who was he? dark hair, longer than usual for guys, a heavy brown suede jacket over a plain white shirt, jeans, and leather boots. you had never seen him around there, or anywhere else in town. his face was different, handsome... very handsome. full lips, thick eyebrows, a large nose... and as they approached, you noticed how tall he was too.

"ah, you're here" your father commented, flashing a fake smile in your direction, indicating his anger hadn't ceased, even after everything he had said. you stood up on impulse; hands pinned to your sides and perfect posture, but your sweet, shimmering eyes didn't lie as they scanned the new guy. "this is jake, jake sim, he just moved in" the man continued, observing your stunned state and then clearing his throat. "introduce yourself, kid..." something deep in your gut urged you to be indifferent, to ignore jake's hand extended toward you. but your body spoke before your brain could rationalize. your name came out as a whisper from your dry lips, but he still smiled, squeezing your hand lightly, letting you let go first. he put his hands back into his coat pockets while your father looked at you as if your head had been replaced by a giant question mark.

***

after that day, jake's presence was recurring. more often than you needed, less often than you craved. he was different from all the guys you knew; those who were almost a copy of your father - clothes too perfect, empty gazes. yes, jake was like a reminder that the mundane existed, a reminder that not everyone believed in the same god as you, that not everyone prayed before eating or cared about going to hell over a bad choice. whenever you ran into him, he smiled in your direction - an upside-down smile that made you wonder if he was curious or just felt pity.

your father had said he was moving from another city with no relatives, trying to make a life in a different place, and that was why jake would live in the small back room of the church for a while, paying rent by helping with the restoration of the ceiling and some walls that urgently needed plaster and paint.

he seemed willing, never truly standing still, carrying buckets of paint, mortar, pushing the rusty wheelbarrow where he put all the tools and materials back and forth. one moment he was outside, another he stopped to smoke before moving on to restore some pillar in the main hall. and whenever you cooked, your father asked you to take a plate of food to the dark-haired guy; since your house was across the street and it didn't hurt to help.

whether it was simple rice and meat or pasta, jake always made sure to thank you properly, stopping what he was doing - white tank top clinging to his sweaty torso, stained with paint and dirt, hair stuck to his forehead which he pushed back with his fingers - stepping down from the ladder or standing up to receive the plate from you. "did you make this?" he would ask, smelling the food and then looking at you. "yes... it's simple, i hope you don't mind". he would shake his head and then smile wide before sitting down to eat on a low stool nearby. "i haven't eaten home-cooked food in months." he would fork it and take a big bite, chewing and nodding approvingly, "it's good, very good."

your heart didn't help, making your chest give an unexpected twinge that left you flustered by the compliments you never received. "you... have been helping a lot..." you justified, and after a few seconds of just watching, you would simply extend your hand in a small goodbye and turn your back, walking quickly to leave the place while your small fingers reached for the rosary decorating your neck, squeezing the pendant hard.

it was bad. it was worse than you could have imagined. and it got worse. the more you saw him, the more phrases you exchanged, the more you wanted to talk, the more you wanted to discover who he really was. you knew he had a car, a ford f-custom pickup in a faded red tone from sitting in the sun. you knew he liked jackets because you had seen him with several; you knew he smoked and that he didn't attend the services; not even once.

jake didn't talk about his family; let alone which city he was coming from. your father didn't know much more either, snapping back with a "why do you want to know?" the first and only time you questioned him during dinner. "just because... he appeared so suddenly" you replied with a trembling voice, hearing a huff from the older man.

as the weeks passed, the church took on a new air: revamped, clean. he had even taken care of the flowers in the beds - abandoned since your father excommunicated the gardener for the act of chivalry toward you - which now had small white and yellow flowers blooming. the ceiling didn't drip anymore when it rained, and jake had fixed the pews that had rotting boards inside. your father was grateful, you knew he was; maybe that was why he didn't force jake to participate on sundays. but whenever the service ended and you left the church, you could see him outside with a cigarette tucked into the corner of his lips, flipping through some book you had never heard of, sitting on the hood of his truck.

and whenever he caught you watching, he would stop, take the cigarette from his lips, and close the book, setting it aside as if he were dedicating all his attention to you for those brief minutes in which you passed by him, waved, crossed the street, and went inside; blushing, and with ragged breath. so pathetic that you felt stupid.

maybe he knew. or maybe that was very presumptuous of you. to assume he knew what he was doing to you, that your head was becoming so disorganized that even you couldn't name what it was, other than that it was wrong.

that was why you had started to pray every night that jake could find a real job and move away, asking that he be successful and move to a bigger city, far away. far from the church and far from where you could see him. and for that same reason, you would finish and go to bed crying because the words whispered weakly were never genuine. they were selfish and lying, and the angels would know.

one monday, you decided you would ignore him. that it was nonsense, that your lack of faith was dominating you and you couldn't go on like this. so, you headed to your nursing course which took place in the town clinic and which you could get to and from on foot.

on the way, you had seen him at a car parts store, but you didn't look more than enough to ignore him, letting him crane his neck out of the small shop watching you walk down the street. you had finished high school the previous year, and despite having taken some exams and sent some recommendation letters, you had never received any reply from any of the colleges; or at least that's what your father said.

you wanted to study medicine, and while you couldn't, you were content with the course miss marie taught in exchange for you helping with some patients during the week. you had already learned about sutures, stitches, wound cleaning, casting, dressings, and a host of other things. as a consequence, you ended up learning about medications and dosages and always heard from marie that you were an exemplary student and would surely do well in the real course.

and whenever she said this, a mix of sadness and joy formed in the pit of your stomach, tangling with your breakfast that you nearly threw up. you would never be able to go to college, not if you stayed here... not if you stayed under your father's watch, being swallowed by the monotony of this dead-end town and the church, ever fuller, ever more imposing.

when your break arrived, you asked to go to the bookstore on the same street and stayed there for half an hour, entertained with nursing and medicine books, tempting yourself every now and then and picking up some romance story to leaf through.

       "love"

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ"surrender"

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ"desire"

the words caught in the air quickly as your eyes scanned the yellowed pages always made the hair on your arms stand up. romance wasn't something real. and the only true love was the one that came from devotion to the lord. men and women shouldn't touch for pleasure; that was reserved for marriage and procreation according to divine laws. but still, the words didn't disappear from your mind as you went back to work under the weakened heat of the setting sun.

"oh dear, are you back already? a young man stopped by and asked for you" you heard marie, stopping in your tracks, your body freezing, making you turn your head slowly toward her as she noted something in a small customer log, leaning on the counter. "jake! he said he needed to talk to you, but didn't want to leave any message" she continued simply, taking a moment to land her eyes on you and smirk at your pale expression. "you know him, right?" she knit her brows and you nodded before swallowing hard and heading to the bandage room.

what could he possibly want with you? what could be so urgent that jake genuinely sought out the place where you worked? maybe it was about your father. or maybe he needed help at the church. maybe he wanted to say goodbye before finally leaving after five weeks of living there and standing out from everything around him.

maybe he wanted to warn you that he would tell your father, that he would tell of the times your eyes lingered too long on him, or how your cheeks flushed when he smiled at you when you looked at him through your bedroom window and he was in the flower beds. your stomach spiraled and you leaned against the cabinet next to you at the unreal possibility, feeling on the verge of fainting.

air failed you and you grabbed your own shirt, twisting the fabric in your fingers and pulling -wanting the fabric to unstick from your skin for a few seconds because it had to be that preventing you from filling your lungs with oxygen and not a damn panic attack - trying to breathe deeply and not succeeding for long minutes.

you needed to tell the pastor it wasn't that, that it wasn't what he thought, that you would never think... that you would never do it! that you would be better, that you would pray more, dedicate yourself more!

when you finally managed to come back to yourself, you grabbed your crossbody bag and returned to the front of the clinic, asking brokenly if you could leave work a little early that day, which was promptly accepted despite the older woman's concerned expression.

"see you to-" but you didn't hear her, already on the sidewalk, quickening your pace.

***

you had never walked so fast in your life. the slight cramp in your calf was ignored until you were on your home block, able to see the high church bell from there, where you walked with yearning. your house had the windows closed, but the car was in the garage, only meaning your father was at the church. you threw the hall doors open, and the echo of the whistling wind vibrated against the walls. your lips parted and closed uncertainly as you passed through the rows of long pews, illuminated by the sunbeams still entering through the high windows at that hour of the afternoon. you stepped onto the platform, your low sandal heels sounding on the floorboards, extending your hand to reach the office door.

but just as you opened it, another person came out of there, bumping their body against yours.

"sorry, i-" you began, slowly raising your eyes until they met the dark eyes of the sim boy. you took a step back, squeezing the bag strap. jake closed the door behind him and smiled simply, knitting his brows when you stared at him as if he had two heads.

"in a hurry?" he asked and you pressed your mouth into a line, shaking your head. "really? i could've sworn i heard your footsteps all the way here" he said and crossed his arms, making his forearms with noticeable veins suck in your attention for an instant.

"i need to talk to my father" you managed to say quietly, looking away from him. "he's not in. at least, not here" he told you, turning his face a bit to analyze you. "did your boss say i looked for you?" he asked, watching you chew the inside of your cheek before nodding. "is that why you left early?" he raised an eyebrow and let out a short laugh.

"n-not because of you..." the phrase came out direct, more direct than you intended, and he was perfectly aware you hadn't done it maliciously, but even so, he leaned over and placed his hand over his chest, letting out a dramatic "arrgh".

"didn't have to destroy me like that" he joked, but your posture didn't relaxed. your free hand gripped your long skirt and crumpled the fabric; this didn't go unnoticed by him either.

jake straightened up and ran his tongue over his teeth, looking around before going back to watching you, measuring your small, trembling body in front of him. "did you come to tell your father that i looked for you then? wow... such a good girl, huh?" he let out in a mocking bittersweet tone.

your eyes widened and you finally stared back at him, parting your lips and feeling your heart hammer against your rib cage. "so that's really it?" he held a shit-eating grin on his lips now, just amusing himself, but when you took a step back, indicating you'd run from there at the first chance, the boy decided to stop stalling, reaching into the back pocket of his jeans and pulling out an envelope.

"the reason for looking for you was because this arrived for you, and... it seems to be something important" he handed you the letter with the college seal on the edge, pointing with his index finger.

the moment he spoke and you took the letter in your hands, your head took a while to process what that meant... or rather, what it could mean. you raised your eyes to him once more and he gestured to the paper in clear encouragement. you were feeling a bit of shame from the earlier exposure, but still... to finally have a response to the countless letters you had sent was truly exciting.

you closed your eyes for a few moments before opening the seal with erratic hands. your almond-shaped eyes scanned every detail, the sender's information, the college logos, the date, and your name written there.

"subject: admission decision and financial aid offer

congratulations! it is with great pleasure that we offer you admission to the class of-"

you stopped, not because you wanted to, but because your voice got choked up with a knot forming in your throat, making you bring your other hand to your mouth to cover it, unable to believe what you had just read.

your eyes were so wide that jake ended up laughing and leaning in to take it and finish reading for you. "thats awesome... like, with them funding a huge part of it?..." you stared at him, static. behind your eyes, your mind made a small movie of your life pass by until that moment. all the times you had worked hard on high school projects, the sleepless nights of study, the social actions that were always successful thanks to the church faithful. however, now that you had the result right there in your hands, didn't it seem a bit too much?

you remained quiet. the passing of time was just an illusion.

"what? you did not liked it?" the taller boy knit his brows and then you shook your head dejectedly, receiving the paper back and looking awkwardly at what was written. "no, i loved it. but... it's the furthest one of all..." you spoke softly at last, feeling your nose sting and eyes water, controlling the urge to cry in front of the other because so many humiliations in a row in one day would be hard to deal with.

"it's the chance of a lifetime, little one" jake added, but didn't force it more than that, resting one hand on your head and messing up your hair lightly. he didn't know exactly why, but judging by your earlier desperation and the not-so-gentle sermons the pastor used to give -which he could hear even from afar - he had some idea.

***

after the touch, jake had left you there. it had nothing to do with him anyway. you didn't know how much longer you had remained standing there; you only knew that when you left the church, the orange sky was gradually giving way to the black vastness of the night, while your father talked to one of the congregants at the front door. you had passed by them and greeted them politely, going inside and up the stairs to your room.

the week passed in the blink of any eye for you, your thoughts drifting far away. on the street you stumbled, at work you pricked yourself with scissors and needles, inattentive, earning your first scoldings from marie; you struggled to invent excuses not to eat dinner, preferring the pain of a growling stomach to sitting at the table with the pastor and having him ask about your day. and whenever you thought about sleeping to escape the hunger, the moment you laid your head on the pillow, you saw a crucifix nailed above the bed.

you didn't remember when that decoration had been nailed there, but you remembered once asking your 7th-grade classmates what they had for decorations on their walls. stars that glowed in the dark, band posters, original drawings, wallpaper - but not a damn beige wall with a single crucifix in the middle. wasn't it normal for a child to be able to decorate their room with... child things? wasn't it normal for children to be encouraged to have childhood interests? and the symbol weighed over you as if it weighed a ton, squeezing your diaphragm and making you so frustrated that you threw a pillow at the object, to no effect.

on friday, when you got up and went down for breakfast, you found the man there, with a cup of strong black coffee exhaling steam from the heat while he flipped through a newspaper. he didn't say good morning, and you breathed one out so quietly that the sound of the birds outside kept it from being heard. you served yourself cereal and milk, sitting at the furthest end of the table. he turned a page, wetting his fingertips with saliva, and you breathed shallowly, trying not to be noticed. too late. "make dinner today, and come down to eat" the thick, firm voice sounded, rhetorical and impenetrable. you nodded, even though he wouldn't see over the newspaper, and continued eating, swallowing with difficulty because you barely chewed so as not to make noise.

when you left the porch of the house, heading down the steps to the sidewalk, you were surprised by jake, who joined your walk.

"so... have made your decision yet?" he asked, hands in pockets, walking side by side.

"good morning... and no" you replied simply, avoiding eye contact with the taller man; looking at your feet walking in sync instead. jake sighed and then pulled a pack of cigarettes from his pocket, putting one in his mouth and reaching for his lighter.

"do you mind?" he asked, and when you just looked at him for half a second before focusing elsewhere, he lit it, watching the tip burn as he took a slow drag. he blew the smoke to the opposite side. "you know those scholarships could give you access to a dorm, right? what's the problem with it being far?"

why was jake following you anyway? you rubbed your eyes with the back of your hand and shrugged. "if you want something that bad... why don't you do it?" his words parked in your head.

because james in his first chapter, verses fourteen through fifteen, said that each one is tempted by their own evil desire, being dragged away and enticed, and then after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin. that was why you couldn't decide for yourself, choose your own clothes, or wear makeup; it was why you didn't choose the decorations for your room even though you were nineteen years old, and why you couldn't let your will make you cross the country just to study if you could still be useful here. but jake wouldn't understand.

"is that what you would do if you were in my place?" you asked back, giving a timid smile and watching him study your expression - he thought you managed to look even cuter with your eyes puffy from sleep - as he slowly pulled the nicotine into his lungs, holding it and then letting it out bit by bit.

"if i were you, you wouldn't be asking what someone else would do" he replied confidently.

jake didn't have any appointments downtown, nor did he have any business there, but he still accompanied you to the front of the clinic, where he watched you go in quietly without saying anything else. he finished his cigarette right there, throwing the butt on the ground and crushing it with the sole of his boot.

marie asked you to make a splint for a little boy's finger that morning. the little guy had sprained his finger playing basketball in his garage, and every time you even brushed against the needle with the anesthesia, his eyes filled with tears. he was probably afraid, you thought, even though he wanted to appear brave. "did you know the mayor said they're going to build a sports court in the central plaza?" you commented, catching the little one's attention and seeing him shake his head no. "i heard all the children will be able to use it; doesn't that seem like a good opportunity to make friends?" you asked sweetly.

while the child thought and began to answer, you quickly gripped the anesthesia and applied it to the site. "ow!" he furrowed his brows, finally looking down and seeing the empty syringe. "you... already did it?" he blinked, confused and relieved at the same time. "uh-huh, and you didn't even notice" you breathed. "how did you do that?" he stared at you again with eyes shining with pure hope. "secret!" you winked and then grabbed the materials to make the splint.

"she probably cast a spell on me or something mommy, i swear!" that's what the kiddo said as he left the clinic accompanied by his mother, who just laughed at the silly assumptions. your boss gave you a playful little nudge, liking how you hadn't stopped smiling at the situation. after all, you had been strange all the other days, and feeling a bit of satisfaction with work was a great reason.

"you really have a gift" she pointed out and touched your shoulder. "by the way, i saw you were accompanied today... it was the guy from the other day..." the nurse continued. "are you two dating?" she asked as if she were asking about the weather.

your eyes widened and you denied it repeatedly, squeezing the small bag where you threw the dirty gauze and discarded the needle. "he... we-my father helped him... he's a newcomer". "oh. well, he definitely looks like one" she breathed before leaving you.

when you were alone in the room, you stopped for a few seconds, looking down and taking a deep breath.

you wanted to be able to say that the joy of having been good for the child with the hurt finger had remained for the rest of the day, but as soon as the clock struck five in the afternoon, you felt the anguish of the inevitable approaching. you packed your things slowly and even waited for marie to close the entrance so you could head home. if jake appeared and offered you a ride at that moment to anywhere far from there, you would accept it; you'd deal with the consequences of leaving your father waiting some other time. but no one appeared, and you were alone to face whatever was coming.

***

the bath? it had been a rupture in time disguised as a cloud of steam that passed without you noticing. you put on your light, long dress - which reached your ankles - and combed your hair before going down to make dinner.

your house had never been very well-lit, but in the past, there were still photos scattered around, some diplomas, both yours and your mother's, but your father had made sure to remove everything that reminded him of her. everything. except what he couldn't: the memory.

the humming of the refrigerator sounded louder than ever, making your internal organs want to coil up. the sound of the fire boiling the vegetable soup to thicken the broth served only as a second voice to the discordant music in the kitchen.

when it was seven in the evening, he appeared. dress shirt, polished shoes, pressed pants, and hair no longer so perfectly combed. an indifferent expression that you never knew was because he was at home or because he was seeing you. you exchanged silent glances, and he approached the dining table, which casually sat under the only light source between the living room and the kitchen. you served the plates and sat down, joining your hands and interlacing your fingers, closing your eyes to give thanks for the food.

"heavenly father, sanctify this meal which your hand has provided. may this food give us vigor to serve your kingdom with purity and obedience. amen" this made you press your lips together; he never thanked the one who prepared it.

the clinking of cutlery filled the void in the air, along with the sound of moderate chewing.

"so what happened that you lost your respect and appetite this week?" he was the one who started, cutting a piece of bread to dip in the soup. over the days you had considered telling him, taking a chance. you were almost convinced it wasn't worth it, if it hadn't been for that afternoon... you had been so happy to help, so content to see the softening expression in those child eyes.

"i received an acceptance letter, for next year's class..." you commented quietly, without the courage to look at your own parent.

"and what about it?" he returned, chewing the soaked slice of bread audibly.

"i thought... with the money i saved, and maybe finding a part-time job, i could support myself there. it's a full scholarship" oh, he didn't seem surprised.

your father continued eating, feeling your eyes slowly rising to him until he stopped abruptly, dropping the spoon on the plate. "i thought we had put an end to this discussion. that you would take the theology course in the neighboring town and help me with the church. that is the path the lord has been laying out for you..." the words came out serious.

"i made so many applications and we agreed to wait for a year, dad..." you furrowed your eyebrows.

"i didn't agree to wait a year. i never even agreed with this college story. do you know how hard it is? the sins, the ambition, the selfishness in those places? do you know what it's like to be alone in a place like that? especially you, who has never seen any of it?" his voice began to change and he moved his mouth irritably. "that's your wish? to become mundane and dirty? to disappoint god because you couldn't resist to your inner demons?" he asked, staring, his fist clenched on the wooden table.

"it doesn't have to be like that! i would only go to study!" you defended yourself, feeling a bitterness rise in your throat.

"study? do you want to look at me straight in the eyes and ask me to believe this when you can barely keep your legs closed to the garden boy?!" you widened your eyes and parted your lips... how could he say something so gross and unrealistic when all you had done was accept a simple flower?

the first tear ran down your cheek stealthily, without you noticing; the others that followed, you didn't have the strength to contain. "mom would want me to pursue this..." your voice crawled, weak and trembling. but to him, it sounded like the worst of offenses, one that tore the armor he had created many years ago.

"repeat what you've just said" his tone was dark now, loaded with a veiled hate he felt for your existence.

when his chair scraped back and his body rose, you swallowed your sobs, looking at him. "dad, p-please... i didn't intend t-"

the impact of the slap on your face was strong enough to make your ear ring and your neck be thrown to the side. the welt immediately rose to the surface of your skin. the pain made you lose your breath, but he didn't care, grabbing your hair and making you look at him as he leaned down to be at your height. "you disgust me" he said sharply, spitting the words. "i pray to god forgive your sins, but you are helpless" and with that, he let you go, making your body collapse into the chair, and he left the room, heading to the second floor with heavy steps.

you hugged your own body while the crying was overwhelming, squeezing your eyes shut and shrinking back.

when times like this arrived, to whom should you turn? your father thought you were disgusting, and god must have had an opinion not much different. your friends were limited to the young people who attended church on sundays and occasionally went to the group, but never really got close. the rest of your family lived miles away, and unfortunately, you were foolish and inexperienced, just as the older man had said.

you stood up limply and put the unfinished plates of soup in the sink, almost letting the heavy dishes fall and shatter on the floor; you turned off the light and instead of going to your room, you went out the front door, feeling the cold breeze and the yellow streetlights bathe your figure.

you walked across the porch and across the front garden until you were on the sidewalk, starting to walk without a certain direction. maybe you'd walk around the block, maybe you'd go to the small park nearby and sit on one of the swings until your body got used to the sadness and the night went back to being like any other.

***

the tears still fell, less agitated, yet colder as the wind chilled them against your flushed cheeks. your swollen nose sniffled, and you pressed your lips together, dwelling on the words you had heard.

jake was coming back from one of the freelance jobs he had picked up at a construction site. in the pickup, the music played low, and he tapped the steering wheel every now and then, attentive to the dark streets of the little town that went to sleep too early. he would have continued if he hadn't spotted something. honestly, with that thin, light dress that fluttered in the skirt from the wind, he might have thought it was a ghost... a very pretty and well-behaved one, though. the boy smiled as he flashed his high beams once, slowing down and rolling down the window to stick his head out. "hey church girl!" he called, and your silhouette stopped. but when your face turned to him, the smile jake had died almost instantly.

he stopped the vehicle right there and got out in a hurry. loose pants held up by a worn belt, a stained tank top, a jacket - which he was already taking off to wrap around you - and beautifully disheveled hair.

"what happened? what are you doing here?" he asked, looking down, without asking permission to touch your face and make you look at him. you were a mess of tears, snot, and there was still that mark on your cheek that he quickly identified. you didn't answer, but when the gentle weight of the leather jacket wrapped around your bare shoulders and jake's thumbs wiped your tears, you looked at him.

"jake..." you called, testing the name on the tip of your tongue. that, as incredible as it seems, was the first time you breathed the combination of letters.

"yes? i'm here." his expression was one of concern. but how could he feel that for someone like you? whom he barely knew or spoke to; maybe you were so miserable that you really didn't realize it. "do you want me to do something?" he asked, shifting his eyes from yours to your cheek before coming back.

"no..." you denied. you could have pulled away from him, touched his wrists so he would let go, but you didn't. "i was just... walking..." your last shred of judgment made you speak.

"no, you were crying and walking without direction... that's not just walking. what happened?" god, he was so insistent.

"my dad... we talked, about the college..." you explained, and jake shook his head, squeezing your face between his large, calloused hands. he could picture what had happened; he wasn't an idiot, he knew exactly the kind of guy the pastor was. they were all the same, so good for the community, titling themselves messengers of god or some shit like that, using other people's money to promote themselves, spreading lies, taking away dreams, having disgusting secrets.

"i'm not letting you go back home today, sorry" the boy concluded, letting go of your cheeks and holding your hand, dragging you so he could take you to the truck.

without another word, he opened the passenger door and lifted you by the waist as if you weighed nothing, sitting you there and helping with the belt. your faces were close, but your eyes were too cloudy for you to see the details of the taller man's profile. you saw him go around before getting in the driver's side and sitting there to start it again; the roar of the engine breaking the silence of the street.

he didn't say where he was taking you, and you didn't ask either. for someone who fled from him as the devil flees from the cross, you were placing a lot of trust there. in less than twenty minutes, during which you had exchanged at most two words - with him asking if you were still cold and you denying it - you had arrived at a bar where the blinking neon sign read "jj's bar." the facade was nothing fancy; on the contrary, plain walls with some posters announcing live music and cheap beer, the light of the sign in shades of yellow and red making the mixture of colors bathe the cracked sidewalk.

jake offered you his hand for you to get out, and you avoided eye contact when you did, lips pressed together. when you entered, the atmosphere was strangely welcoming. a varnished counter with several stools along its length. floorboards of wood that creaked slightly when stepped on, tables scattered about, walls covered in posters, flyers, ads, photos, and tacky wallpaper in shades of wine and brown. behind the counter, a young man was drying some glass cups, and a large cabinet held various glasses, containers, and drinks. a pool table, some slot machines, a jukebox.

"jake jakey..." the barman spoke and smiled, leaning on the counter as you approached.

jake smiled, touching the small of your back subtly as if he wanted to reassure you that everything was fine; he also extended his hand, shaking the guy's on the other side. "my friend, jay..." he breathed and followed jay's gaze, which fell slowly onto you.

"and you, young lady?" he asked, raising an eyebrow, friendly. you breathed out softly and nodded.

"i already told you about her..."

"oh... so you are the preach-"

"ahem" jake cleared his throat and the guy stopped, staring at him and getting the message.

"well, make yourselves comfortable. for you, i already know, but how about you, sweetheart, what'll it be?" - jake rolled his eyes in disbelief at the blatant flirting – the park waited for your answer, but the only thing you could do was look up, searching for a menu... like in the diners, right?

"oh-i see... what's your age?"

"nineteen" jay smiled gently in your direction, shifting his attention to the boy beside you; what kind of communication was that?

you watched him grab a bottle from the cabinet and serve a glass halfway, putting in ice and tapping the surface in front of the sim boy before pushing it toward him.

you watched jake take the glass and gulp - his prominent adam's apple bobbing - wrinkling his nose slightly before staring at you. "what?" he murmured, and you shook your head, embarrassed to be caught staring.

minutes later jay placed a glass with a pink mixture and a little umbrella on top. "its cherry syrup with white vermouth by the way, that's the lightest i can do" he threw the hand-drying cloth over his shoulder and crossed his arms. you shouldn't drink. you didn't know these people, you didn't know your limit, and you were far from home, but the only thing you did was look to the sides, searching for any sign. a cross, a saint, someone... any sign that indicated you would be punished later.

when you didn't find one, you looked at the glass, closing your small fingers around it and testing the weight before lifting it to your lips. the first sip wasn't bad, the smell was sweet and the taste even more so, but at the very end the aftertaste caused a sting. both pairs of eyes analyzed you and you covered your mouth after placing the glass back on the wood. "it's good... different, but good," you said and saw both of them smiling.

"you don't have to drink it all," jake breathed and let his eyes travel over you. your body disappeared in his jacket, and you held onto the fabric of your dress skirt as usual. were you always afraid?

you just nodded... without much to say. it was the first time you had entered a bar, you were sure you shouldn't be there, but you didn't feel threatened. the music wasn't loud and it was pleasant to hear, making your feet suspended from the stool swing lightly while you fingered the sweating glass. "have things always been this way?", jake took advantage of the moment when his colleague, and owner of the bar, moved away to talk.

and you caught yourself trying to remember when was the last time your father had acted like a real father and not like a vigilante. "no... it's hard to remember, though... after my mother passed away, he doesn't seem to be the same person" you breathed.

jake looked down and bit his lip. he was terrible at consoling and it wasn't as if he had never had a girl crying in his arms, but definitely the reason wasn't the same. "and you never thought about leaving?", he continued and saw you sip the drink once more before looking at him.

"wouldn't that be selfish?", you returned and he knit his brows.

selfish...? the word made the older boy swallow hard, tapping the counter once before getting up from the stool and helping you do the same. he held your shoulders, placing your body in front of his and guiding you to one of the game machines.

"i don't know how to play" you looked up from below and he just smiled, taking a token from his pocket and positioning himself behind you.

"you don't have to know everything to do it, you know?", his voice had a soft and more relaxed timbre now. "you just have to want to" jake carefully touched your wrists, indicating where you should hold. the machine's crank and the colored buttons that every time they were pressed made the character on the screen release some kind of different animation.

the dark-haired boy was hunched over, his face next to yours, cheeks almost brushing, explaining what you could do. your brain tried, struggled to pay attention, but it was so much information... blue button to attack, his perfume invading your nostrils, walking forward with the joystick, the warm touch of his hands over yours, white button to start again, his minty breath blowing against your neck while he spoke... you bit your lip and confirmed when he asked if you were ready.

you watched the characters on the screen casting powers and trading funny blows. in high school some boys mentioned this. it was fun, although you didn't understand the rules. you did exactly as the older boy said, managing somehow to defeat the opponent. when the 'winner' text appeared there you smiled, but you smiled even more when jake celebrated, squeezing your arms and shaking you carefully, just drawing a soft giggle from you. "you're good at it!", he straightened up and pinched your chin lightly.

he spent three more tokens, letting you test other characters and showing you how it was done; proceeding to lose all the times and making a tired face when the last fight ended and the machine flashed ‘insert your ticket’. "okay... that was a first, i'm actually good, seriously," he defended himself and you gave a breathy smile, enjoying yourself.

when your crying was nowhere to be seen and jake's presence had totally overshadowed the night's events, you could finally notice him. black, wavy hair, a mouth drawn with a heart-shaped cupid's bow. there was something magnetically soft about him that made it impossible to look away, a perfect harmony between the sharp, aristocratic line of his nose and the warm glow of his dark eyes. his lip curved into a lazy side smile, the kind of smile you knew your father would call temptation, and for the first time, you understood exactly why people gave in to it.

you passed in front of the old jukebox and stopped, observing the varnished details and the little letters inside, showing which tracks were available.

"do you like music?", he asked, approaching as well.

"i... don't listen much" and even so your eyes vibrated at the equipment in front of you, curious, exploring.

"pick one" he said, alternating his gaze between you and the machine, biting his lip, anxious to know what it would be.

"i don't know any of these...", you denied laughingly and he rolled his eyes, putting the coin there and looking at you expectantly.

so many names, you ended up choosing the most different of all, drawing a little laugh from him. jake and you looked at each other while iris by the goo goo dolls started to play. he held your hand and took a few steps back, taking you to one of the more open spaces in the bar, before joining your bodies, circling your waist carefully, smoothly sliding his fingertips along your wrist, making you hold him by the shoulders, guiding your body in a slow dance.

your heart was galloping, and your cheeks were feverish, while your expression didn't hide your mixed shock and embarrassment, feeling your lip twitch as you searched for words and gave up ridiculously.

jake smiled from the side, making you rest your head on his chest. he accompanied your small body moving slowly with his, feeling a twinge in his chest when you rubbed your face lightly against him, sniffling against his shirt. your thin and small fingers squeezing so lightly on his shoulders that he was afraid the minimum contraction of muscles could hurt you. the melody swayed the pressed bodies, and for the minutes the music box played, it was just you two there.

even when the last guitar chords played, you slowly pulled away, staring at him sweetly. you wanted to ask what that had been - which would be a mess because not even jake knew - but you moistened your lips, pulling back your arms again, smiling awkwardly before hugging your own body.

"thank you...", you said softly and he froze, his eyes darkening even more, watching your body take a few steps back, testing the subtle distance; with no intention of really running away now.

the boy blinked slowly and as soon as you turned to go back to the counter he stretched his body, holding your arm and making you turn again. but when your eyes met, he took a few moments to say: "i would never think that selfishness is being yourself. i would never think that selfishness is prioritizing yourself" the answer finally came, making you fix your eyes on him. "and if it is, then maybe being selfish isn't so bad, right?", his touch softened, making his arm slide away again, but the electricity of the contact remained there, like a promise that this was only the first step out of your bubble.

and you could swear he was approaching millimetrically when jay's voice sounded nearby. "guys, sorry to interrupt, but, we are closing"

***

the pickup's engine finally went silent, leaving only the popping of the cooling metal and the sound of the wind cutting through the tall grass of the lookout. down there, the city was just a tangle of distant lights that didn't seem to belong to the same world you were in. a parallel world where he had dragged you to spend the night.

jake lowered the tailgate and helped you up, spreading a thick blanket over the metal so you'd be comfortable. lying side by side, the sky seemed larger than you had ever seen from the locked windows of home. you talked - as if in all those years the words had just been waiting for someone to ask and care - you told him everything and anything he asked, from your favorite color to the last book you had read.

you told him about the silent rules of your routine, about the expectations that weighed on your shoulders and about how you wanted to be able to do something without disappointing the people around you. jake, on the other hand, was a presence of mysteries and calm silences. he listened with an almost voracious attention, eyes fixed on your profile, on how your mouth moved and tightened when you thought, absorbing every fragment of your story to understand how you still managed to be so intact. it was fascinating.

"and you?" you asked, turning your face to him, feeling the early morning dew prickle your skin. "do you have a religion? do you believe in god?"

jake let out a soft chuckle, a sound that vibrated in his chest before reaching the full lips he moistened. he turned on his side, propping his head on his hand to face you. "i don't believe in that image they sell out there. altars, punishments..." he shrugged, and the glow of his eyes seemed denser under the moonlight. and at the same time his sincerity frightened you, it made you more and more interested. "i have my own convictions. i believe in what i can feel, what i can touch...", jake let his eyes slide over your body for a few milliseconds.

a shiver that wasn't from cold ran down your spine.

"don't you think god- that he would hate us? for being here? for thinking like this?" the question came out small, loaded with a reverential fear, and a guilt that was present for as long as you could remember.

jake smiled, dangerously docile. "god could never hate a girl like you" he murmured, his voice dropping an octave, becoming a dark velvet. "you're just so... pure"

the word seemed to burn, entering through your ears, circling your whole body and stopping right in your chest where your heart accelerated. you sat up on the truck bed, hugging your knees against your chest and hiding your face between them for a moment. the silence in the air became thick, and not even the chirping of the crickets was enough to appease your feelings.

"i... don't feel that way anymore" you confessed with a slightly trembling voice; struggling not to cry again since your puffy eyelids couldn't handle another round.

jake sat up right after, his movement being fluid and, at the same time, careful. he didn't look away; on the contrary. his hand went up to your shoulder, warm fingers contrasting with the cold jacket, caressing the fabric that covered your shoulder with a slowness that seemed to want to uncover what was underneath all those layers.

"look at me" he asked, pulling your shoulder with a gentle firmness so you would stare back.

seeing you like that - with damp eyes, parted lips and this readiness to let yourself be carried away - jake felt his stomach twist. there was something sickly and stimulating in the way you seemed breakable in his hands, even without him touching you properly. his desire wasn't just physical; it was the desire to be the one who would untie all your knots, the one who would see your chastity transform into something that only belonged to him, that only existed in his presence.

he repeated the motion from the bar, but now there was no one to interrupt.

jake kept leaning in, the space between you disappearing while the smell of mint and leather enveloped you little by little. you knew exactly what was about to happen and your mind sought your father's warnings, the moral lessons, the sunday sermons, the sins listed in old books... but your body didn't move one bit. your eyes closed, and you held your breath without noticing, waiting for the meeting of lips in a simple kiss. his mouth warm, contrasting with your cold lips.

this was your first kiss, surrendered so naturally to jake sim that it didn't feel wrong. his large and hand held the side of your face, long fingers getting lost among the strands of hair and his thumb caressing your cheekbone, a tender possessiveness that anchored you there. at the beginning, it was a dry, exploratory contact, just the warmth of the mucous membranes recognizing each other, a sensation that made your stomach turn from the novelty.

with the passing of seconds, the pressure increased. jake didn't force it; he just offered. he parted his lips against yours, letting the tip of his tongue provoke the contour of your mouth, a silent invitation he anxiously waited to be accepted. your inexperience screamed, but instinct spoke louder. when you finally gave in, allowing the tongues to meet for the first time, a short gasp escaped your throat making the older boy sniff in approval.

jake noticed your hesitation and didn't allow you to feel lost. he guided, dictating the rhythm, while his free hand sought your wrist with delicacy making you position your hand on his shoulder, encouraging your fingers to seek the support they needed to pull closer. with the contact firm, the kiss became needy, an urgency that seemed to consume the oxygen around, and a kind of magnet making both drag closer to each other; your thigh very nearly climbing over his leg.

inside your head, chaos tried to organize itself. memorized verses about temptation and severe warnings tried to emerge, but were immediately buried. there was no room for guilt when every inch of your body responded to his with a frightening intensity. morality was a language you didn't speak anymore. now, your brain could only process the tangible reality: the taste of him.

when he took his hand to your waist, entering the jacket he himself had lent you and you startled at the rougher and more direct touch, with lips peeling off his before seeking them again, jake pulled away suddenly, clearing his throat and taking his hand from there, laughing awkwardly and shaking his head. "fuck, i'm sorry...", he breathed low, not knowing for sure what he was asking for, but making you come back to the surface too, just as confused, blushing and swallowing the saliva in your mouth, biting your lip still leaning towards him. "you've been drinking...", he explained calmly, passing his eyes over the girl, the shiny lips, the straight neckline of the messy dress and exposing one of your collarbones, the breathing through the mouth.

he had been drinking too, but your courage to speak had been entirely spent with the seal, so you just nodded, turning your face away and settling better inside the jacket.

the rest of the night was filled with small talk, clumsy touches, and without you noticing, the sun rose on the horizon, making you realize that was also your first night away from home. for a few minutes, jake had dozed off by your side, the wavy locks falling perfectly over the sculpted face, his chest rising and falling peacefully, reminding her that he had rescued and sheltered her.

that was the problem, jake made it seem good to go against everything she knew.

***

"submit yourselves to god; resist the devil, and he will flee from you. do not let yourselves fall into temptation, my children. the enemy is always lurking looking for openings, especially in those of weak heart" the pastor spoke, the bible near his chest while he walked from one side to the other, but your head was far away. you were outside the church, sitting on the pickup with the peeling hood, stained pants and denim jacket.

when was it like this anyway?

jake sim was lean and sneaky. accompanying you every morning to work on foot - with an arm that wrapped your shoulders and a mouth that whispered idiotic things just to make you laugh -, picking you up and suddenly changing the path to some place you didn't yet know, whether it was a bridge with a beautiful view or some field. poking your shoulder when he passed by you just to see you looking for him while he moved away with a playful smile on his lips. he also threw stones at your window at night when you were about to sleep, and as soon as you looked he made a gesture with his hand calling you to come down in secret, without your father knowing.

the kisses and experimental touches were becoming more and more urgent. your cheeks burned every time he got excited and brought his mouth down to your neck, whispering how much your scent drove him crazy.

it was even worse when he grabbed your waist tightly, or pressed you against some surface - usually the small room where he was staying, at the back of the church, right after the sermon ended. but, he never went beyond, sometimes stopping when both were altered and breathless from making out, with hands clinging to the barriers of clothes or to the hair of each other's napes.

little by little the questions started to get more intimate... he no longer wanted to know about your favorite things, but about what you were curious about, or how much you liked his kisses, or even how much you were willing to go with him.

god, and you were.

you bit your lip, eyes widening as you noticed what you were thinking inside the church.

when your eyes returned to the room your father stared at you firmly for a few brief seconds before returning to talk.

you had even asked your former friend lisa what you should do days ago - during the youth group’s pause; anything that would make you stop incessantly thinking about the outsider boy.

both had talked under the stairs in a whispered tone that could only be interpreted looking eye to eye: "even the greatest of sins god is willing to forgive if you are really sorry" the girl told you, staring with an impartial warmth. "that's what torments me. when i commit this sin, i don't feel bad... i feel good. better than i have ever been" had been your answer.

how could you feel sorry?

the moment the bells rang, your feet firmed on the ground, getting up hurriedly and going to help with the organization as always. books put away, candles extinguished, and this time you even managed to leave along with the other faithful who crowded near the exit, talking and saying goodbye, it was when you felt a hand wrap around your wrist and pull you from among the crowd to the side of the church. jake looked around before holding your cheek and depositing a loud smooch on your mouth, taking a little note and putting it in the palm of your hand before winking and leaving without saying more.

you gave a breathy smile, feeling like a fool. your shoes brushing against each other while opening the yellowish paper to find his handwriting.

"no work tomorrow. we have a date. meet me at 10am, you know where", with a hurried heart scribble adorning the upper corner of the post-it.

he was so secretive and unpredictable, making your belly vibrate with so many butterflies. anyway, you ran home to call marie's phone and warn her about a persistent pain in the wrist that would prevent you from working the next morning.

***

the sound of closet doors was the only noise to be heard throughout the second floor at that hour of the morning. you slipped into your white skirt and donned the blouse with romantic sleeves before stepping into your heavy shoes over your socks. your hair remained loose and your backpack was slung on in a hurry before you left the room and headed down the stairs, running into your father halfway down.

"haven't you left for work yet?" he asked, stopping in his tracks and furrowing his brow.

"i’m late today... i’m on my way!" you dodged his body and finished the descent, heading toward the door to leave.

you couldn't allow yourself to be caught, and you knew he would look out the window for at least a full minute, which made you walk slowly, mentally counting to sixty so that the steps heading down the street would suddenly change direction, crossing from one sidewalk to the other, leading you to the back of the church where the pickup truck was parked.

when you opened the passenger door to get in, jake met you with a smile, unable to help but notice you had dressed up, letting you fasten your belt and adjust your shoulders and posture in the seat, oblivious to how he watched you, until you weren't anymore and turned to him.

"what?"

he bit his lip. "you look pretty" he replied sincerely, basking in your flushed cheeks and the way you shyly looked away. he started the engine and shifted into gear before pulling away.

"where are you taking me?" you asked as the landscape outside the window gradually changed. he had taken a road that passed through several fenced pastures - some with animals, others with trees, and even those that held nothing but a green vastness of grass.

"you're so curious. i wanted it to be a surprise" he said laughingly, eyes never leaving the road.

"that's not fair... you're always doing that" you retorted, though you weren't truly bothered.

"just know you're going to like it, hm?" you nodded, fiddling with one of the buttons on your blouse.

when they were about 3 minutes away from arriving, jake told you to close your eyes, grumbling playfully when you tried to cheat by squinting through your fingers. when he whispered softly that he really wanted to make it a surprise, you stopped teasing and kept your hands over your eyes until the car was parked and he said you could open them.

and even so, when jake spoke and your eyes opened, it was impossible to believe.

from inside, the passenger window - slightly fogged and covered by a thin layer of road dust - framed the flowery field like an old, faded painting. the landscape unfolded in waves of moss-green and soft hues of lavender and white. as the engine cooled, the high sun poured a radiant light over the vast space, turning the rows of pine trees in the distance into dark green silhouettes against the blue sky.

it was beautiful, one of the most beautiful things you had ever seen. jake laughed at how you suddenly stared at him.

"how did you find this place?" you asked before putting your hand on the handle and opening the door to get out. the soft grass cushioned your weight, making it feel like you were stepping on a thin quilted layer. you bit your lip with a childish giggle and looked around. there were some fences toward the side the truck had passed, indicating the property likely had an owner.

"i came here to fish one day" he said, passing by you to get something from the truck bed.

you took a few steps and crouched down, looking at the colorful flowers more closely. so beautiful that you were afraid to touch them and end up ruining them. "i prepared something for us today..." you heard him and turned to see what he was carrying: a blanket and a basket, making you furrow your brow in amusement.

"what is this?" you stood up and went over.

"well, you said you'd never had a picnic, so..." jake shrugged, playing it cool, even though he was hoping for the surprise to be good.

he did everything, from finding a spot to spread the blanket to taking several jars of fruit, bread, and sweets out of the basket, looking your way every now and then as you followed him with your hands behind your back and a curious expression. it was still so unbelievable that jake was even there, that he wanted to get to know you, or fulfill your wishes. he didn't belong in that place - the free way he carried himself, the hair falling over his eyes, the tanned skin, the calloused hands - he stood out from everything and everyone, a natural attraction, almost as if you were tempted to look at him and desire him.

you smiled compassionately before kneeling beside him and touching his face, making jake stop, turn to you, and touch your waist.

"is everything okay? did you like it? you can tell me if you didn't, i need to know..."

you didn't answer with words, but held the back of his neck and leaned in to seal the older boy's full lips, enjoying the warmth and softness for a few seconds, catching jake off guard as it was the first time you had initiated something like that.

he had a funny look on his face when you pulled apart, like someone who had just discovered a funny secret. "i really like it, thank you" you whispered, and he stole one more little kiss before pulling you to sit on his lap, proceeding to show you everything he had brought: strawberries, pancakes with honey, a bottle of coffee.

***

time by his side seemed to flow in a different way, a soft, warm current that carried you without you feeling the need to fight it; or perhaps, you were ignoring your internalized morality, because living was more important. there, in the flowery field with the sound of the stream in the distance, the world outside was a pale memory you didn't miss at all. you surrendered with an ease that never failed to scare you, but jake sim's touch was a constant invitation to simply be.

what had started as light play, between laughter and distracted touches while eating, shifted in intensity when his body ended up over yours on the picnic blanket; he had a hand on each side of your face, avoiding letting his weight fall on you, and his eyes minutely searched your expressions to know if it was time.

the seconds in which you just looked at each other were a heavy silence, broken only by the sound of birds and the wind blowing freely. jake leaned in, as a test, and began to kiss you slowly - an almost lazy affection for a day like that, exploring your lips without haste, without the urgency of excitement. he nibbled on your bottom lip and whispered against the sensitive skin how good your mouth tasted.

but the rhythm changed as you reacted. your short gasps and the way your small hands sought the back of his neck once more, pulling him closer, began wearing down the self-control he was trying to maintain. his hands moved up, outlining your waist and messing with your clothes, his thumbs tracing the path of your protruding ribs just below the curve of your breasts, while your legs tangled together, seeking more contact, more heat.

the mood was cut sharply by a dry sound.

heavy steps against the earth, the violent rustling of vegetation, and a sharp animal grunt of pain.

you both stopped.

jake froze with his lips still brushing the skin of your collarbone where he had been licking just before, while your eyes widened, your heart racing now for a completely different reason than the second before.

from behind one of the nearby bushes, the figure emerged suddenly, piercing eyes checking if you were a threat to its hunt... it wasn't the graceful red fox from children's books, but an animal with dirty caramel fur, rustic and opaque, eyes fixed on both of you as it crossed the field. its snout was stained a bright red, contrasting with the body of a small white rabbit it carried clenched between its teeth; the small animal still spasmed, an agonizing reflex movement that made blood run even more down the fox's jaw.

the scene was ugly, pitiless, and mortal. there, under the late afternoon sun and surrounded by flowers, nature displayed its carnivorous face, reminding you that life and death shared the same space - exactly like the innocence you tried to maintain and the desire jake awakened in you.

"don't be afraid" jake whispered, a side smile forming as he saw your jugular jump with the erratic heartbeat. "it's natural, it means the fox will manage to survive for a few more days... nothing more than that" and for some reason, he didn't seem to be talking only about the animals. the words didn't do their part in making you calmer; instead, you swallowed with difficulty, entering a complicated internal dissonance.

maybe god had ambiguous plans for certain creatures. maybe creation wasn't just about green pastures, miraculous healings, and benevolence, but about this silent, cruel gear that didn't ask before turning. you thought you weren't in a position to judge; after all, who were you to understand the logic behind survival? maybe these creatures had some idea of what their destinies would be, or maybe they were completely oblivious to it, living and dying without ever understanding why.

it was this perception of the frivolity of raw life that made your hair stand on end and your throat go dry. an existential dread creeping up your spine. the fragility of the kit was your own fragility. but jake remained there, his voice steady and his body still warm against yours, as if that carnage were merely the natural backdrop for what you were doing.

"it's okay to feel sad, though... but we can't interfere" he murmured, and the way he accepted it without looking away seemed, in a way, engaging, making you face him again with tearful eyes. "jake" you called, and he smiled, brushing the tip of his nose against your neck, moving up until he was staring back at you. "can we continue in the car?" the shy words left your trembling lips.

oh? he knew exactly what that was.

he understood that transition; it was the violence of nature, strange and inevitable, that, instigated carnal acts. it was the most primitive emotional escape, the one that seeks the warmth of life immediately after being confronted with the coldness of death. the type of surrender that is condemned by all doctrines, but is the only possible response to instinct.

even so, he didn't hesitate. jake held you in his lap with disconcerting ease, one of his large hands firm on your butt as he carried you to the truck, while you wrapped yourself around his torso.

with his free hand, he opened the door and tossed you into the front seat, onto that continuous leather upholstery that eliminated any barrier between you. as soon as he got in and closed the door, the silence of the cabin was broken by the sound of your small, skittish hands reaching for his face. you gripped his cheeks hard, pulling him into a kiss loaded with want, as if every second of waiting were torture.

the kisses were deep and dense. you both grumbled and gasped against each other's mouths, a duel of tongues and teeth taking place. when you sucked his full lower lip, jake felt a snap of urgency. he pulled away just enough to get rid of his jacket and shirt, one piece following the other, revealing the warm skin under the light filtered through the windows. you blushed, eyes trailing down slowly, leading your fingers in an almost experimental way across his six-pack, mapping the defined muscles before looking up to meet him.

the eye contact didn't last long before you went back to kissing in an animalistic and needy way. jake moved his lips down to your slender neck, sucking the skin with controlled strength, leaving reddish marks. his hands slid without haste but with intention, moving down your goosebump-covered arms, squeezing your thin waist and tracing your hips until they found their way under the linen skirt. the rough touch of his fingertips scratching your rounded thighs made your whole body tense.

suddenly, in an agile movement, he reversed positions. jake pulled you onto his lap, feeling the weight of your body on his, and parted his lips when you let out an innocent little moan that seemed to echo inside him, breaking what remained of his last gram of self-control. "fuck, babe, i swear i'm trying... trying so hard to take my time with you, but you're just so hot" he whispered against your shoulder, where the sleeve of your blouse had slipped down.

"it's okay... you don't have to right now... i want it too" his head was about to explode.

"say that again..." he asked, holding your chin and sliding his thumb across your lip.

"i want you."

jake felt an electric current through his own spine at the words, holding the back of your neck firmly and invading your mouth in a messy, lingering tongue kiss. his experienced hands unbuttoned your blouse and pushed the fabric open before helping you take it off immediately reaching for your soft skin, breasts held in the bra decorated with a bow.

he bit his lip before using a single finger to pull the cup down, finding your shy, peaked nipple there. his dark eyes, almost begging, stared at you and you nodded.

he captured the small point and sucked with intent, circling it with his tongue before sucking as if he wanted to draw something from it. he closed his eyes, concentrated on what he was doing, playing with the breast between his lips while one of his hands went to the clasp on your back to open it. when he felt the weight of the breast in his mouth, he became even more invested, hollowing his cheeks as he encompassed even more of the soft flesh around the areola.

when he let go of the nipple, it was red and completely wet, using his index finger to flick it while his mouth already moved toward the other. your low moans and the way your body shivered over his did nothing to help the erection jake had in the confines of his jeans. he bit the tip of the peak when you squeezed his shoulder and adjusted yourself in his lap, practically grinding there. he returned to your lips, but didn't kiss now.

"hmm more…" he asked softly and you swallowed, feeling feverish just looking at him. "w-what?" you asked confused, but furrowed your brow and looked down with a weakened expression when he guided your hips to grind.

"jake..."

"you're going to drive me crazy..." he gasped through gritted teeth.

jake helped you out of the skirt and his eyes stayed fixed on the panties you wore - they had some lace ruffles near the elastic and were completely transparent in the front, betraying how wet you were. "shit... look at this" he moved his hand there, pressing his thumb exactly where it seemed wettest, feeling your nails prick his shoulder. "do you even know what this means?" his eyebrows knit as he looked at you again, leaning his body until his lips were brushing your ear. "your body wants me so much it's preparing you to receive me... isn't that cute?" he licked your lobe.

but he couldn't just fuck you in the damn pickup; he might be whatever he was, but he still thought of your well-being - of the fact that you were virgin and delicate and that putting you against the dashboard while he stretched you with his cock wouldn't be the best of experiences... so the boy smiled wide, turning his head thinking. "have you ever touched yourself?" he questioned, keeping his voice low and engaging, waiting for you to deny it. "not even once? not even in the shower?"

"jake..." you pleaded, embarrassed; god, he really liked how your eyes got low and avoidant when you were cornered. he bit his bottom lip and tucked a strand of your hair that hung behind your ear, running his index finger down your jaw, neck, the space between your breasts... until he was near your lower abdomen.

"i want you to touch yourself for me..." he breathed, an order so soft it sounded like a request.

you stared at him lost, almost as if at a crossroads between accepting quickly and denying for fear of doing it wrong. "sshh, it's okay... i will guide you" and jake was making it so much harder.

your mind knew, even before you did, that it was wrong... he wasn't promised to you, you hadn't prayed together before, the pastor hadn't approved - or didn't know you were seeing each other this way - everything you shouldn't do or give in to... so why were you bringing your hand down there? why were your lips trembling when your fingers felt the moisture of the soaked fabric?

"uh uh... inside the panties" jake corrected, pulling the elastic of the undergarment so you could slide your hand inside. "describe what you're feeling for me..."

pressing your lips together, wavering and closing your eyelids trying to concentrate, your fingers wandered through your folds, feeling them slippery. there was the entrance, where a portion of lubrication literally wet your phalanges, and when it moved up... right there, hidden and sensitive, was your point of nerves, pulsing. "say it, baby..." jake implored, pressing his forehead to yours.

"i-it's soft... and squishy. and it's so hot, jake... please..." your eyes met his closely now. he gave a breathy smile.

"do you feel that spot?" he asked, ignoring your plea for help.

“y-yes"

"good... rub it for me... slowly" he almost whispered, pulling away from you again and looking down. if the sight of your flushed cheeks, peaked nipples, and contracting stomach didn't make him come in his own pants, he would be fine.

jake noticed when your posture became more restless, when your hips began to involuntarily seek more pressure. "now slide your fingers down slowly... it's so messy, right? you're a messy girl..." he said, his raspy voice being the only thread keeping you connected to reality. "try to put a finger inside."

as soon as the digit slipped into the damp slit, a loud, labored moan escaped your lips. in the next minute, the weight of reality crashed down on you; shame hit you like a punch and you tried to stop, withdrawing your hand while staring at him with tearful eyes, seeking some kind of exit from a situation so intimate, so embarrassing.

"did i say to stop?" his tone changed, becoming firmer, almost authoritative, clicking his tongue and letting a sliver of his impatience show through. before you could pull away, he grabbed your wrist, keeping your hand exactly where it was, preventing your escape. the eye contact was intense, unbreakable. "try putting a second one in..." he suggested, his voice laced with a risk that made your heart race wildly.

you pouted, feeling the unusual fullness, and slowly shook your head, your voice failing as you said it wouldn't fit, that it was too much for you... jake let out a low sss, throbbing inside his underwear. "that's because you're so tight, my love" he whispered against your ear. "go back to rubbing your little clit... a bit more strength now, hm? i promise it'll be good..." he ordered and, almost instantaneously, you obeyed.

the speed with which you followed the command, despite the shame and previous hesitation, made jake's blood boil. fuck, - like a trained little bitch, he thought - dark eyes fixed on the scene of your hand moving under his words. it was, without a doubt, one of the best things he had ever witnessed.

jake leaned over and once again captured one of your stiff peaks in his mouth, sucking noisily while his other hand squeezed the neglected one. you, on the other hand, strove to follow his orders, feeling your body react in a completely new way as you used two fingers to excite your clitoris, brushing your palm slightly against your pubis; which caused a soft, prickly sensation.

your eyes rolled back and your hips moved again by impulse, making the boy attentive as he purposefully raised his hips higher, letting not only the pressure of your fingers hit you, but also the firm elevation he had there.

the contained moans from before filled the pickup, becoming more drawn out, less controlled, and jake knew you would come at any moment... you were going to come from masturbating and grinding against him, holy shit. and when your small body spasmed several times in a row, jake let go of your breast and grabbed your wrist, pulling your hand out of your panties, hearing an audible groan from you. your erratic hips took a moment to stop, almost as if your arousal was enough to make them move alone.

you looked at him with literal tears in your eyes, puffing your cheeks slightly and grunting at the slightest movement.

"aawn... don't make that face. i know, i know... sshh" he hugged you slowly, stroking your hair and your back before placing a tender kiss on your forehead. "you were so good to me...", and the words of affirmation were somehow enough to appease a void you had felt for a long time, making you sob as you nodded, allowing yourself to sink into his embrace.

***

living around jake was consuming you. it was a slow, silent process, like a tide that rises without warning until the sand beneath your feet completely disappears. he occupied you in such a way that your thoughts orbited the idea of him almost twenty-four hours a day; the memory of how he teased you, of how he left you waiting on the edge of something you didn't yet fully understand.

and in the quiet of your room, you thought that maybe he was right. maybe the guilt was yours for still being a virgin, for being this burden of glass he had to carry so carefully.

gradually, the pillars that supported your life began to give way. principles that were once non-negotiable now felt like clothes that no longer fit. at work, your attention wandered; in the church youth groups, the sacred vocabulary felt strange in your mouth. sunday services became short, rushed, while the time you spent alone, discovering your own body, increased.

you prayed less and touched yourself more. dreams became vivid, dense, and you woke up sweaty and aroused more often than you could - or wanted to - remember.

the pastor was the first to notice the spark in your eyes. then came the others. marie, your boss, commented on the change while you hummed, without realizing, a melody you had heard in his car during a drive. "you've been cheerful... different," marie said with a half-smile. although your body stiffened for a millisecond, you turned and smiled, nodding. "oh... what is it then? a boy?"

you felt the blood rush to your cheeks, but the answer came with a clarity that surprised you. "he's not a boy."

jake was a man, an idea, a new doctrine that you embraced with the same blind devotion with which you had worshiped god and the holy spirit all those years.

but the ecstasy didn't last forever.

on a thursday afternoon, upon arriving from work, the expectation of going up to your room and losing yourself in thought was cut like a razor wire. your father was sitting on the stairs, his dark silhouette against the dim light. "dad!" you exclaimed, your heart giving a troubled jolt.

"where did you leave your bible last?"

the direct and raw question tore through the atmosphere. time stopped for a few seconds; the breeze coming through the window seemed to blow out all the candles of your security and the evening sun no longer warmed the room of the townhouse.

"i-i always leave it on the dresser... when we get back from service on sunday... it's always there," you breathed, your voice small, feeling your brow furrow in an instinctive defense.

you should read it every day. without exception.

"right. and have you been talking to god every day?" he turned his head slightly, eyes fixed on yours, making the saliva go down heavy in your throat in an audible gulp.

"yes, dad," you nodded, averting your gaze to the floor.

he stood up. the heavy steps against the wood of the stairs echoed like sentences. a bitter, almost suffocating energy emanated from him as he walked toward you. you closed your eyes, stiffening your shoulders waiting for the impact of the slap you already knew, but it didn't come. instead, he stretched out his arm, taking the object that had been hidden behind him and shoved it against your chest, curling his lips in deep disgust.

"and why was your bible forgotten at church until this morning? can you answer me that?" you looked down. the heavy book, with its dark cover, seemed to burn in contact with your skin, as if the paper were on fire. your lips stayed parted, but no words came out. there was no answer. there was no excuse. "that's what i thought," your father breathed low.

the silence that followed between you and your father wasn't one of peace, but of a suffocating stagnation, where every second seemed to weigh pounds on your shoulders. he watched you with a cold pity, the kind the saints reserve for the damned before the pyre. "woe to those who call evil good, and good evil; who put darkness for light, and light for darkness" he quoted, his voice monotonous and deep echoing through the walls of the townhouse. "light cannot be given to the blind, daughter. you are too innocent to understand your own situation, to see the abyss that opened beneath your feet while you smiled."

he paused, lips narrowing into a line.

"he's already gone, for your information. left this morning. the church has been repaired, the bills have been paid... there's nothing for him to do here anyway."

your heart, which had been galloping, simply froze. air refused to pass through your throat, as if your lungs had turned to stone.

"what are you talking about?" you questioned him in a whisper, taking an instinctive step back, the bible still weighing between your fingers like a corpse.

"you know who i'm talking about. don't think you've been sneaky"

you shook your head, a frantic movement. brow furrowed, your mind screaming that it was a lie - not that he knew. damn it if he knew, actually. and before he could finish the sentence or utter any other judgment, you spun on your heels and rushed out of the house. the bible fell somewhere on the front lawn and your legs moved restlessly. you crossed the yard, invaded the street ignoring the cars and the asphalt under your feet, hurriedly crossing to the church grounds.

your lungs burned when you reached the small cabin in the back. in the last few weeks, jake had transformed that place. he had built a table with his own hands, installed lights that made the environment cozy, put up posters that spoke of a world you only knew through his eyes. there were shelves full of books and a closet... the closet he filled with his jackets.

but when you flung the small door open, the emptiness hit you like a physical punch.

everything was clean. impersonal. not a single trace of him remained; not a strand of hair, not the smell of mint and leather, nothing. you flipped the lights on frantically, hands trembling as you searched under the perfectly made bed, looking in the corners, on top of the furniture... seeking any sign, a note, a forgotten game token, anything that proved your father was just trying to scare you. you checked the small bathroom and only saw the shower curtains pushed to the corner, the bathtub dry underneath.

the little room held only the parish toolbox, a few boards leaning against the wall, and a small bench. the space he had built to live in had been dismantled as if it had never existed. it was exactly as you had asked in your prayers when you first met him... it was exactly what you had said in the sensitive words you prayed those nights, and now you blamed yourself because, of all your requests, god had chosen that one to fulfill. "n-no...", the crying that was forming, filling your eyes with tears and making your cheeks turn red, broke loose and you sat on the bed that held only the thin mattress.

you brought both hands to your neck as a long, drawn-out, tearful guttural scream left you, feeling your vision blur as tears began to stream down your face. maybe this was the punishment for sinning, for not following the rules, for being a deviant soul... and it hurt so, so much... even when you tried to breathe properly, hunching over with your chest burning and crying even more, copiously.

but suddenly, the pain of loss was replaced by an incandescent rage, something that boiled in your blood and transformed you into someone else, someone irrational and fierce. you stood up and with all the strength you had in your being, you went back breathless to the house, invading the living room where your father was still waiting for you.

you lunged at him like a wounded animal. possessed, you tried to scratch his face, fingers curved into claws. your father grabbed you by the shoulders tightly, trying to contain the explosion of fury emanating from you, a strength you never knew you possessed.

"i hate you! what did you do! you damn man! i hate you!", the words came out choked, yelled.

"you were being consumed by evil! it was for the best!" he growled, his voice trying to overcome your screams and his strong arms holding your thin wrists. you were no longer the obedient daughter. you grunted, the sound coming from deep in your throat, a primitive noise of pain and hate.

"you sent him away! it's your fault! yours!" you screamed, fighting against his grip, the world collapsing while jake was the only thing that could save you.

"look at you, daughter, look at how you are. do you think this is normal? do you think god would approve of something like this?" he questioned, and the mention of divinity only left you more unhinged.

"stop talking about that! i don't care anymore! i hate all of it! i never truly liked it..! god, angels... i don't want any of it anymore! you took everything i wanted! everything! i hate you!", and as the words were uttered, hate gave way to sorrow and your knees buckled, making your body collapse to the floor, hitting your knees on the floorboards.

when the pastor let you go, your wrists fell as if they were heavy, limp sacks beside your hunched body that was still crying, making the drops of salt water wet the wooden floor below you. he was astounded, horrified. your father took a step back, averting his eyes for a few seconds as he himself had difficulty dealing with watery eyes, running his hand over his temple before sighing.

"i feel sorry for you... i fear you are unpunishable... perhaps, there truly is no place for you beside the lord" the bitter words cut his throat before he walked away with long strides.

***

how many days had passed?

three? five? ten?

you didn't know. your room remained the same, the house remained the same, and that was all you had been seeing since then. refusing to go on with your monotonous routine. too guilty to set foot outside the house, afraid of how they would look at you, what they would think, in that damn town of five thousand people.

and you were wrong before; it wasn't jake's presence that corrupted you - your own inner demons did that. you didn't fit salvation either way.

sometimes, your father would come to call you at the door, receiving only the sweet sound of your silence from the other side as an answer. you took your baths and ate when he wasn't around or when you knew he was going to sleep. if you were wrong and if god judged you for it, then so be it... let him watch while you worship your own ruin.

the night was terribly calm.

lying on the floor, staring at the beige ceiling of the room didn't help sleep come any faster. out of muscle memory, you made the sign of the cross over your chest, like someone about to pray, but stopped halfway. who would hear your prayers? when you had decided it was better to die surrounded by the life that pleased you than to care for what should be the purest of vessels for your soul. then you turned to your side, feeling the hard floor beneath you and huffing.

you closed your eyes and tried to count. tried not to think about anything. tried to cover your face with the pillow. but it didn't work.

when the muffled sound of something scratching the glass began, you didn't give it any importance; the wind, a dry branch, or maybe just your mind playing tricks in the middle of exhaustion. but the persistent, sharp, and rhythmic taps like small hailstones cut through the silence until the annoyance overcame the inertia.

you stood up, bare feet feeling the cold floor, and walked to the window where the bluish moonlight bathed the windowsill.

looking down, the world seemed to regain its colors in a single second. jake was there. real, solid, wearing jeans and that flannel shirt that seemed to carry all the comfort your father's townhouse had denied you in recent days. he smiled when he saw you, the arm that had just thrown the last pebble coming down slowly. you opened the glass in a desperate movement, the cold night air invading the room.

"what..?" the whisper came out raspy, loaded with a disbelief that bordered on ecstasy.

"missed me, church girl?" he asked with a smirk, moistening his lips afterward, and your nod was enough to set him in motion.

with agility, he wrapped his hand in an old cloth and climbed the tree trunk beside the house. every movement of his was precise, the strength of his arms lifting him to the second floor until he braced himself on his knee and jumped inside, landing on the carpet with a nasal laugh, narrowly missing the lamp.

you were stunned.

your eyes shone in the dark, fixed on him as if jake were a divine apparition in the midst of your private purgatory. he brushed the dust off his clothes and turned his face slightly, opening his arms in a silent invitation.

he mapped you there: the thin and transparent nightgown that molded your breasts but fell loose over your hips, the rosary of dark beads resting on your exposed collarbones, and your faltering feet.

when you finally took the step forward, he pulled you hard, crushing you against his chest, against the smell of the outdoors and freedom he exhaled. jake noticed the change in your countenance milliseconds before you hid your face in his chest. the emptiness of the last few days tried to turn into crying, but your eyes were dry, exhausted from so much fighting.

"i'm sorry for not writing a note... your father was really demanding when he came to me that day" he said softly against the top of your head, his fingers getting lost in your hair in a protective caress. "was he very hard on you?"

you shook your head against his chest, a quick, almost automatic movement. jake felt the lie vibrate in your body. you really were a terrible liar, but for him, that silence said much more than any words about what you had faced since he was forced to leave.

and the boy pondered before holding your face and pulling you away just so your eyes could meet. "come with me"

your lips parted and you looked down, lost, bringing your thin fingers to the buttons of his shirt. "i don't... i don't deserve you, jake...", your head shook and your laugh was weak, reluctant.

"what is that?" he knit his brows and shook his head, holding your chin and making you look at him again.

"god hates me. he will punish me and punish anyone who tries to help me... and i don't want that for you" your voice came out choked, but he didn't let go, pressing his mouth into a line and hardening his expression.

"i know you might think that now... because that's all you know, but there is nothing to punish you... you didn't do anything wrong" he replied, stroking your cheek with his thumb. "and even if he does... i don't care" he shrugged, running his tongue along his cheek. "i've been punished since the day i was born, i can't worry about one more day". and once again, you realized you didn't know jake sim, or his story, where he came from, or what his past was, but you loved him for what he showed now. "so come with me. we'll move near your college, get a job, and you decide what to do about this" he brought his thumb to the pendant of the necklace, pressing it.

you disentangled yourself from him delicately. took a few steps back and turned around, your bare feet sinking into the carpet as your eyes scanned the room. the bedroom suddenly felt strange; the dull walls, the heavy and impersonal wooden furniture where you had grown up, hidden, and lately, withered away.

a shiver ran down your arms and you hugged yourself, feeling the weight of that decision crush your chest.

jake didn’t leave you alone for long. he approached from behind, steps silent, and wrapped his arms around your waist with that firmness only he possessed. he tucked his face into the curve of your neck, inhaling the soft, natural scent of your skin, as if memorizing your essence. "i promise to take care of you... while you discover the world, the landscapes, the life..." he hissed, his warm breath brushing against your sensitive skin and sending electric jolts down your spine.

and you shrunk slightly against him, a reflex of someone still not used to such unconditional affection. jake smiled against your neck, noticing your gradual surrender.

"let me save you"

the phrase made your heart skip a beat. it ached in a deep way, the kind of pain that tears away what was left of your old identity to make room for something new. you remained still, feeling only the beat of his heart against your back, until you finally nodded. turning to him, a light and trembling smile appeared on your lips.

"yes?" he asked, just to hear the confirmation from you.

jake held you and sealed your lips in a short kiss, but one loaded with a victorious urgency.

"you need to pack your things, we’re leaving today."

"now?" your eyebrows shot up.

"yes, now"

there was no time for hesitation. jake moved through the room with practical efficiency, helping you find a large backpack in the back of your closet and dropping it on the floor with a dull thud. he guided you to choose practical clothes and, especially, something warm to face the biting cold of the road that awaited you both.

while you looked for what to take, he helped gather small fragments of your life - a few photos and personal belongings - which were kept in a small box and carefully tucked into the backpack's outer pocket.

the rest you did alone, in an almost ritualistic silence. you folded each piece of clothing with care, feeling the weight of every choice, while jake settled onto your bed. he stretched out one leg and leaned his torso against the headboard - resting one arm behind his head - watching your every move. his gaze was attentive, calm, but charged with anticipation.

until you stopped...

and you stopped just as you were about to change your clothes... about to slip a sleeve of the nightgown you were wearing off your shoulder. knowing his eyes were on you and that he would watch you undress.

jake licked his lower lip, clicking his jaw slightly, watching you do one side and then the other, very slowly. the fabric slid down your body, pooling around your feet so that all that remained was your underwear. the boy's dark eyes outlined your curves, and it wasn't like he hadn't seen some of them before, but not all at once; never.

you waited, looking over your shoulder, and he understood, standing up and approaching you.

"do you want help?" he whispered, his body so close to your small frame that you felt his heat radiating.

"yes..." you nodded and he bit his lip.

"where do you need my help?" jake questioned, still serene... wanting to know what your real intentions were.

that was when you sought out one of his thick wrists, holding it calmly and guiding his hand to one of your perky breasts, which he palmed as soon as he felt the soft flesh beneath.

jake gave a small smile but composed himself. "you know you tease me when you do these things... don't you?" he asked softly, just leaning forward, making both bodies brush against each other, his mouth close to your earlobe.

"i'm not teasing now" you replied, sounding a bit more decisive.

"know i stopped all the other times, but i wouldn't stop this time..." he warned, trying to catch any hesitation from you, but there was none; you kept holding his wrist there, breathing calmly... he was forced to close his eyes and sigh, restraining himself. "if you really want this, use your words..." he whispered, placing a brief kiss below your ear.

"jake, please..." you began... but it was hard to find the words.

"yes? i'm listening," he wanted to hear it.

"make me yours. completely" your voice came out hoarse.

and he didn't take long to comply with your request, sliding his hand from your breast to your neck, making you turn your face so he could take your mouth in a hungry kiss; saved up since the first day he saw you in the front row of the church pews, waiting for your father to finish his sermons. his lips, full and plump, swallowing and molding yours while he held you beneath your breasts with his other strong arm. jake pulled you, literally dragging your feet across the floor until you were leaning over the dresser.

your mouths broke apart and he flattened his hand against your back, feeling the small bones of your spine and pushing you to bend further.

"bend over f’me..." he commanded, analyzing the angle; the contrast between him still dressed and you exposed making you look smaller and more breakable.

you had your hands on either side of your body and your cheek pressed against the surface of the furniture while your hips remained arched. his large hands went straight to that region, holding firm. "you’re so beautiful..." he leaned over and kissed your hips. how had he held back for so long? "stay still like that"

jake got on his knees right behind you, caressing your soft thighs before wrapping his hands around them carefully.

his long fingers gripped the waistband of your panties, sliding the fabric down slowly until it was pooling at your heels. his eyes followed the movement and went back up, now seeing your sex pressed together, so pink and barely used... he spread your legs apart, watching as your pussy decompressed, feeling his mouth water.

his tongue reached your womanhood next. it was hot, and he licked from bottom to top, catching all the places where you seemed to need him most. you whimpered and tried to lift your torso to look, feeling a stinging slap on one of your butt cheeks.

"is that staying still for you?" the boy asked muffled - making you drop your face until it was pressed against the dresser again - before sinking his tongue into your slit, feeling you getting wetter and wetter.

fingertips wandered over your legs, scratching your skin as if feeling braille, reading you completely, discovering desires and wants you had hidden.

jake opened his mouth wider, latching his pretty lips around your pussy before sucking noisily, making your small folds catch pressure there, leaving your eyes rolling back. you felt so dirty. it was terrible that you liked feeling his mouth on your body so much, terrible that your body responded so well. "j-jake..." you whimpered softly, looking for something to hold onto.

he, however, was more concerned with making you slippery enough. it was about that, wasn't it? about being able to take him when the time came. he knew it was and despite being afraid, you were more curious. when the sim's tongue penetrated your tight cavity, a grunt escaped you, and as soon as jake forced a digit inside as well, your fingers tightened against the corners of the wooden furniture; your knuckles turning white and your toes curling.

he gave a breathy smile, parting his lips as he couldn't keep his thoughts to himself. "look at how you’re squeezing a single finger... fuck, your pussy is going to be so full with my cock" the dirty words echoed low through the room, entering your ears and making you moan more and more. jake began to pump his finger, sliding his tongue down to wrap it around your clitoris meanwhile, playing with the spot like it was candy.

you shook your head - divided between the urge to keep being good or finish losing yourself - trembling and standing on your tiptoes as your muscles tensed. he forced another thick finger into you as the squelches of your entrance grew louder, making you grit your teeth and let out a drawn-out sound. "sshh, you don't want to wake up the preacher, do you?" he mocked, knowing it was almost impossible not to make a sound with the way he was touching you.

and before you could unravel, he stopped, suddenly, standing up and grabbing you by the shoulder to pull your body back and press it against his once more. his mouth traveled over your shoulders, kissing your neck and sucking the skin in visible places now, leaving marks and making your legs weak, needing to double the strength with which he kept you upright.

the boy turned you around and pulled your thighs so you could climb into his lap, walking with you to the bed and tossing you into the center of it.

you watched as jake took off his clothes, biting your lip hard while he deliberately unbuckled his belt and unbuttoned his pants before kicking the garment away. and when he was left only in his underwear... damn, he was marked. the thick outline in the thin fabric making you doubt if he would fit before you looked at him. "speak your mind, little one..." he asked, mischievous, sliding his hands over your thighs as he positioned himself between them.

"w-what if it is too big?" your voice crackled, making him let out a brief chuckle. "then i would have to go slow... until you get used to the size..." he replied, leaning over your body, maintaining a smirk and eye contact, making your heart beat fast and your body burn. your face contorted with shame and your free hand flew to cover his eyes with a muffled grunt. "d-don't look at me like that..." you asked, affected, and he laughed again, enjoying himself.

jake held your wrist and unhurriedly moved your hand away, bringing it to his lips and kissing the whole palm, before holding it firmer and licking slowly, with a flat tongue, staring at you with eyes clouded with desire. "i can't, you're too cute..." he slid his tongue to the softest part of your palm and sucked just as he had done with your cunny earlier, stretching the warm muscle between your digits and passing between them too. when your body softened again, he let go of your hand and stood erect, looking down at you - your hair spread across the sheet, your breathing uneven, folds glistening with the mixture of his saliva and your arousal. "are you ready?" his tone was low and sensual.

you nodded, watching the older boy take his throbbing member out of his underwear. it hit, hard, against his lower abdomen, the veins protruding and the pink head swollen and leaking pre-cum.

he held the base, forcing his cock down and rubbing it against your mound in a provocative back-and-forth. god, you were so small... maybe you really should be afraid.

jake held one of your thighs, forcing your knee back almost near your shoulder, making more room for him, and guided his swollen head to your virgin entrance. "breathe in, baby... relax a bit..." he whispered as he forced his entry there.

jake advanced with agonizing slowness, feeling every millimeter of resistance your body offered. he was focused, his dark eyes fixed on the point where his flesh lost itself in your tight interiors; he watched, almost hypnotized, as the sensitive skin stretched to its limit to accommodate his thickness.

a whimpery gasp escaped the boy's lips. it had been so long since he felt something squeeze him that way, as if every fiber of you were trying to push him out and hug him at the same time.

he hissed softly, a mixture of pain and extreme pleasure, before leaning down again to capture your mouth, muffling the whimpers you let out as you felt the inevitable stretching. you were breathless, your chest rising and falling frantically. your hands, restless and desperate for a point of support, squeezed his arms which pinned you to the bed, your nails scratching the warm skin before sliding down your own breasts, squeezing them in a reflex of agony and ecstasy.

"it's too much...nng i can't!" you protested through gritted teeth, your voice choked.

"of course you can... you're being so good..." he replied, his tone of voice so intoxicating it numbed you.

the compliment made you throw your head back, small tears of pain and effort accumulating in the corner of your eyes as you felt his weight fill every empty space that remained in you. when jake finally buried himself completely, he let out a raspy grunt, biting his own lower lip as a few drops of sweat broke out on his forehead. "fu-ck, you squeeze me so well... so good, my love..." he whispered, his voice failing.

he tried to move his hips, a short and experimental movement, and felt your nails dig hard into his biceps in response to the new surge of sensations. jake stopped for a moment, his face close to yours, seeking your eyes reassuringly. "just breathe, hm? don't think too much..." he started talking to you, his soft voice acting like an anchor in the middle of the storm. "the hardest part is over... can you do this for me?"

the way he asked, turning that surrender into a favor for him, made the pain of being devirginated start to be swallowed by an even greater need: that of satisfying him, of being exactly what he wanted you to be. which made you nod breathlessly and bring your fingers to your swollen clitoris and rub it - in slow circular motions, as he had taught before - closing your eyes and allowing yourself to feel bit by bit how the stinging became something more bearable, almost good... "there's my good girl" he said with a little smile after watching the act.

every time you got wetter and less tense, you could feel his cock going deeper and deeper, sliding out and coming back in with jake's full weight in every thrust.

you could even feel your lower abdomen bulging, parting your lips at the sight you had when you looked down to where your bodies met - the large cock, and your small, swollen lips sliding along the length of it. your moans became more spontaneous, and gradually your body began to give small signs it would give in.

jake saw you arch when he thrust harder, felt your nails scratch his back when he laid his body over yours, incredibly deep, making the head of his cock hit your internal wall.

but it was when he buried his face in your neck to suck the flesh and vent some of the pressure he felt, that you looked up.

there, above your bed, the crucifix.

your eyes clouded with growing pleasure and your thoughts far away, no longer able to process the guilt you had carried all that time, not while jake fucked you and made you a woman. this was the moment when you decided to have a new religion, one that began and ended with jake sim.

***

you leaned your head against the glass of the truck, feeling the constant vibration of the engine against your temple as you watched the landscape of your old life being left behind, turning into green and gray blurs. the radio played a soft melody, a sound that filled the comfortable silence that had settled between you.

occasionally, jake took one hand off the steering wheel and squeezed your thigh lightly - a possessive and calm touch, just to make sure you were still awake. you smiled, closing your eyes and feeling that, finally, you were safe.

not far from there, at a roadside station that smelled of diesel oil and burnt coffee, two old men shared a beer at a rustic, worn-out table. between them, an old battery-operated radio crackled, fighting against static to deliver the latest afternoon news.

"- suspect in the murder of four people remains at large" the announcer's voice cut through the hot air. "the suspect goes by the name of jaeyun sim. he has asian features, is approximately five-foot-nine, with brown eyes and hair. he is the primary suspect in the killing of his parents, his fiancée, and a witness at the scene of the crime four months ago. if you have any information call xxx or make an anonymous report".

*

taglist: @yjnwonstars @archivojjong @cherryw0n @honybite @lassiie @jaehyp @lisie-loves-u @ii-mimii @yelihusband @12e45 @dziauki @yunkivamp @jiwonniethepooh @xionvlog @nimeah @fancypeacepersona @rijakecentral @prettygirlthings-world @simsdoll @ori2ari @b1tterestbeachh @ni-k1ttie @heelvcr @slystarlightpendulum @miffikeuu @nikidikiy @grdientlips @al1c1a1 @uthnoth @looklikekittycat @purrplegyuu @

[berrywip]

.✦ ݁˖ 18+, mdni

⋆✴︎˚｡ Husband!Zuko who lovesss putting you in a head locking during sex

You were completely, shamelessly addicted to Zuko’s arms.

It wasn’t just that they were big now—thick, powerful, corded with muscle from years of firebending, sword training, and carrying the weight of a nation. It was the way they felt when he used them on you. The sheer strength. The way the veins stood out when he flexed. The way his biceps bulged like warm steel when he wrapped one around your throat and held you exactly where he wanted you.

And nothing compared to doggy style.

Nothing.

Tonight the palace was quiet, the heavy curtains drawn, only the low glow of firelight flickering across Zuko’s bare chest as he stood at the edge of the massive bed. You were already on all fours in the center of it, knees spread, back arched deep, ass up and waiting. Your pussy was dripping down your thighs before he’d even touched you.

Zuko climbed onto the bed behind you, the mattress dipping under his weight. His big hands gripped your hips first, squeezing the soft flesh, thumbs digging in possessively.

“Look at you,” he murmured, voice low and rough. “Already soaked for me.”

You pushed back against him, whining. “Zuko… please.”

He leaned over you, chest pressing to your back, and you felt it—the heavy, thick length of his cock sliding between your folds, teasing your entrance. Then his right arm slid around your throat.

Your whole body lit up.

He didn’t choke you. He headlocked you. His massive bicep curled under your chin, the thick muscle pressing firmly against your neck while his forearm locked across your collarbone. His left hand braced on the bed beside your head for leverage. You were completely trapped, caged by his body, his strength, his heat.

And you moaned like you were in heat.

“Fuck—yes,” you gasped, tilting your head back into the crook of his arm. Your pussy clenched hard around nothing.

Zuko chuckled darkly against your ear, the sound vibrating through his chest into your back. “You really are crazy for these arms, aren’t you?”

You nodded frantically, already grinding back against his cock. “I love them. I love when you lock me up like this. Makes me feel so small… so owned.”

His grip tightened just enough to make your head spin in the best way. Then he pushed in.

One long, slow thrust and he buried every thick inch inside you, stretching you open until you felt him in your stomach. The headlock kept you perfectly arched, ass up higher, back bowed deep so he could sink even deeper.

Zuko groaned, low and filthy. “So fucking tight like this.”

He started moving—deep, powerful strokes that made the bed creak. Every time he bottomed out, his hips slapped against your ass, his heavy balls hitting your clit. The bicep around your throat flexed with every thrust, the muscle bulging harder against your skin. You could feel the raw power in it, the way it could crush you if he wanted, but instead it just held you right there for him to fuck.

You were drooling.

Your mouth hung open, eyes rolling back as he pounded into you. Every thrust forced a broken moan out of your throat.

“Harder,” you begged, voice hoarse. “Zuko, baby—please, use me. Fuck me like you own me.”

He snarled and gave you exactly what you wanted.

His pace turned brutal. The wet, obscene sound of his cock slamming into your soaked pussy filled the room. His left hand left the bed and reached underneath you, two thick fingers finding your swollen clit and rubbing tight, fast circles.

The headlock never loosened. His bicep stayed locked tight under your jaw, keeping your head pulled back against his shoulder so he could growl filthy praises right against your ear.

“That’s it… take this dick. Such a greedy little thing for me. You love being locked up in my arm while I ruin this pussy, don’t you?”

“Yes—yes, fuck yes—” You were shaking, thighs trembling, pussy fluttering wildly around his thick dick.

He flexed his bicep deliberately, the peak of the muscle pressing harder into the side of your neck. The pressure made everything sharper, hotter. Your vision sparkled at the edges.

“Come for me,” he ordered, voice dark and commanding. “Come while I’ve got you trapped. Let me feel how much you love my arms.”

You shattered.

Your orgasm crashed through you so hard your arms gave out. You would have collapsed face-first into the pillows if Zuko’s headlock hadn’t held you up. Your pussy clamped down on him like a vice, gushing around his cock as wave after wave rolled through you. You screamed his name, body convulsing, tears of pleasure slipping down your cheeks.

Zuko fucked you straight through it, hips never slowing, growling praises and curses as your walls milked him.

Only when you started to go limp did he loosen the headlock just enough to let you breathe properly. He pulled out, flipped you onto your back in one smooth motion, and shoved your knees up to your chest.

Then he slid back inside you in one thrust and started chasing his own release

His arms caged you again—this time both of them, one on each side of your head, biceps flexing as he drove into you hard and deep. You wrapped your legs around his waist and clung to those massive arms, kissing and biting at the thick muscle while he fucked you into the mattress.

“Gonna fill you up,” he panted, sweat dripping from his brow onto your chest. “Gonna put a baby in you tonight.”

You moaned, nails digging into his biceps. “Yes—please, Zuko. Come inside me. I need it.”

He buried his face in your neck and came with a deep, guttural groan, hips stuttering as he pumped you full, hot and thick. You felt every pulse, every spurt, and you clenched around him like you could keep it all inside.

When he finally collapsed on top of you, careful not to crush you with his full weight, his arms still surrounded you—loose now, but protective.

You pressed lazy kisses to his bicep, the one you loved so much, and whispered against his skin, “I’m never getting enough of these arms. Especially when you headlock me like that.”

Zuko laughed breathlessly, rolling to the side and pulling you against his chest. His hand drifted down to rest over your lower belly, thumb stroking gently.

“Good,” he murmured, voice warm and satisfied. “Because I plan on doing that every single night until you’re round with our baby.”

You smiled, already feeling the familiar heat building again as you nuzzled into his chest.

“Promise?”

He flexed his arm around you, letting you feel the hard swell of his bicep one more time.

“Promise.”

dividers - @/cafekitsune

an - Hiiiiii my babies! I’ve missed y’all so much, so sorry for the ghosting! I lowkey couldn’t catch a break (lmao), but I’m back and ready to serve now 𓏲ּ𝄢

on another note just look at this fine man AUGHHH

(that’s dadaman)

[kosmogrl]

[jjongkapeurio-deactivated202605]

🎸 . ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁༺ say what you want ,  날 바라봐 .ᐟ.ᐟ ༻ ݁ . ⊹ ₊ ݁.

✚ 𓈒 𝄂𝄚𝅦𝄚 ⊹ ࣪ ˖ 난 무관심은 사양해 — 모두 날 원하길 원해 . ॱ⋅.˳˳.⋅*˙ॱᐧ.˳˳.⋅ ॱ⋅.˳˳.⋅*˙ॱᐧ.˳˳.⋅ ॱ⋅.˳˳.⋅*˙ॱᐧ.˳˳.⋅ ॱ⋅.˳˳.⋅*˙ॱᐧ.˳˳.⋅ ॱ⋅.˳˳.⋅*˙ॱᐧ.˳˳.⋅ ॱ⋅.˳˳.⋅*˙ॱᐧ.˳˳.⋅ ॱ⋅.˳˳.⋅*

ৎ . ۫͜𓈒 ִ⑆ ִ ✦ 𓂂 ` ♫  𓇙 ♪ ࿁⠀˚ now playing ; attention , please ! - enhypen

jay in gentle monsters circuit collection photoshoot looks soooooo damn hot just kno that i wont be gentle w his monster

[loveridden1999]

i hope something good happens to me. i hope something good happens to you too. i hope something good happens to all of us soon

[yinyjw]

𓍢 ⋆📖⊹ ˖.𖥔 ݁ ˖ you are reading: tamed-dashed (sunoo ver.)

bassist!ksw x manager!reader (smut +18, manly!sunoo pierced!sunoo, reader is +-27). find our playlist here, and the jay version "where you're older than sunoo and the manager of the band he plays in, but he's dying to have you as something else" wc.: 8.5k author's notes: hiii everyone, im sorry for being so absent. i think everyone is trying to deal with the situation in different ways, and my way is by writing, hoping that this way you guys can also have a moment to clear your head and enjoy it! just know that this blog will always be here to support everyone who is part of enhypen (and fuck what belift is trying to sell), i will always support the seven people who brought me to this present moment. besides all that, this is a collab with my baby girl @yjnwonstars! it was a lot of fun to write (we fr talked hours and hours, plotting everything) and if you show interest, the universe we created for these two one-shots is quite vast and we would love to make a series with the other members hehehe tw.: english is not my first language, lowercase intended, no use of yn, use of legal substances, a lot of cursing, violence (not between them), manhandling, sunoo is a giver, p in v, unprotected sex, oral sex (f. rec.), finger fucking, body worship (?), marking, nipple play, lots of praising, pet names (princess, baby), a blink of voyeurism (by accident), LET ME KNOW IF I FORGET ANYTHING

the atmosphere at dead circuit was a symphony of auditory chaos. the sound of drumsticks being tested against the drumheads echoed like gunshots, the feedback from guitar amplifiers sliced through the air with a sharp, irritating hiss, and the murmur of the crowd outside - a sea of anxious young people, some completely high or drunk - leaked through the wooden walls like an animalistic roar.

but kim sunoo heard none of it.

leaning back against one of the worn black speakers, he was immersed in his own bubble of selective silence. it was a survival skill he had practiced since he was 13, when his parents’ bitter arguments during the divorce became the playlist of his adolescence. if he didn’t want to hear it, the world simply went mute.

his slender, pale fingers plucked at the bass strings with a melancholic slowness, pulling out the notes of 505 by arctic monkeys. sunoo didn’t like punk rock that much. he found the genre’s aggression too loud most of the time, too heavy, too obvious. he preferred melodies that floated, that had space to breathe, to discern what was worth it. but he was there, earning his five hundred bucks a night, because jay, heeseung, and the drummer had convinced him years ago with promises of creative freedom and zero stress.

liars. he knew they were, but he went along with it anyway.

jay and the drummer were a walking war zone, like two primed grenades about to explode together. heeseung was a predator of other people’s hearts with no intention of commitment. sunghoon, the sound technician, was the most handsome and most boring guy he had ever met. and then there was you.

the only piece that wasn’t dirty or explosive. you were his center of gravity. that day, years ago, when you were introduced as the manager, sunoo felt like the air in the stuffy garage had finally become breathable; not even the growing mold behind one of the freezers mattered anymore. there was only one problem.

a problem that, right now, was making his super ability to ignore noise fail miserably.

he stopped plucking the strings, the tips of his fingers lightly touching the neck of the instrument to adjust it against his torso. there, in a dark corner behind the heavy stage curtains, where dust danced under the light of a single purple spotlight, he saw you.

you held your phone against your ear so tightly your knuckles were white. your eyes, always so focused and attentive to every detail of the band, were now clouded, filled with water you refused to let fall. he wished it weren’t like this, but he had seen you cry so many times… “i already told you, i don’t want to see you anymore, why is that so hard?” your voice came out in a strained breath, choked, heavy with an exhaustion he felt in his own chest.

sunoo knew the script by heart. he had watched you go through every one of those assholes. the one who asked you for money to fix his car - and took his ex on a trip -, the one who slapped you in front of the whole band and, because you begged, didn’t turn into an urban legend in their hands, the one with no character who dated at least three girls at once, and the current one. the jealous one. the one who made you feel guilty for giving him a ride or staying late at band rehearsals. the one who tried to prune the only thing you loved - this chaotic, real job - to turn you into a shadow under his control.

it’s ridiculous, the boy thought as he watched your tense silhouette, how you take care of four grown, problematic men with one hand behind your back, but fall apart over a man who isn’t worth the sole of your shoe.

you never did anything for yourself. you always gave in. and seeing you there, curled into the dimness while being whipped by words through a screen, made his blood boil.

he stood up from the speaker. the bass, covered in stickers and collages, bumped lightly against his leg, the metallic sound of the chains on his pants clinking with the quick movement. he wasn’t going to interrupt the call - he wasn’t that kind of guy - but he stepped close enough for his presence to be noticed, watching the situation up close.

sunoo was pissed. not at you, but at the way you let the world steal the shine from your eyes. what he really wanted was to take the phone from your hand and crush it under his heavy boot, but instead, he just stood there, black leather wristbands tight around his wrists, waiting for the moment you would finally hang up so he could, once again, try to convince you that you deserved far more than scraps of attention and empty threats.

“i can’t keep this going, i’m sorry… i- have to go” you stated, your voice coming out shaky and rushed, unsure if it matched what your heart wanted.

as soon as you pulled the device away from your ear, a final “you bitch, if you-” slipped through the speaker, an aggressive sound stain that was abruptly silenced when you pressed the red button on the screen. the silence that followed wasn’t peaceful, but heavy.

when you turned, you startled slightly, your tense body bumping into the heavy curtain as you saw sunoo standing there, like a silent sentinel watching you. you swallowed hard, feeling the knot in your throat, and forced an awkward smile as you quickly wiped your eyes with the backs of your hands, trying to dry the tears that insisted on falling.

“hey…” you sniffled, trying to regain your manager composure, offering a small smile.

“i thought you had blocked his number” sunoo said soberly.

he didn’t need to show his anger toward you, didn’t need to gesture sharply; he was different from everything you knew. he rarely got angry, and never took it out on you, but there was a coldness in his voice that cut deeper than any shout.

“he called me from another number” you lied, your voice still a little shaky.

sunoo pressed his lips together, the metal beads of his snake bites glinting under the dim light. he pretended to buy the lie, raising one eyebrow and nodding slowly, but his eyes - a hazel tone so intense and focused it made you feel immersed - said he knew exactly that you still left the door slightly open for your own tormentor.

“you don’t have to stay on the line until the end… you don’t have to listen to the things he says to you” he continued, his voice softening a little, but still carrying a restrained urgency.

you sighed and took a step toward him, offering that condescending smile the boy hated so much. it was your “you’re cute, but you don’t understand how things work” smile. to him, it felt like you were placing him back on the souvenir shelf, labeling him as the boy from the band, too young to know anything beyond his bass and ripped jeans.

you reached out and touched his dark strands. the gesture was instinctive, feeling the texture of the gel that made some tips more spiked, contrasting with the softness of the rest of his hair. “it suits you…” you commented, trying to change the subject, your eyes scanning his look. “even if those wristbands are a bit much…”

sunoo lowered his gaze to his own wrists, the black leather and spikes seeming heavy under your gentle touch. “i’ll take them off mid-show, they get in the way when i play” he replied simply, his voice almost a whisper.

“i know…”

and with those two words, you got away. once again, you skirted the edge of the abyss. you used your bright eyes and your sweet voice that acted like a sedative on his instincts. you passed by him, the soft scent of your shampoo leaving a trail that contrasted with the moldy smell of the place, and he let out a quiet laugh, a bitter sound that died in his chest as he watched you walk away to organize the chaos you preferred to face: the band’s.

he remained still, lost in the realization that you cared about every technical detail, but didn’t care to save yourself.

reality only hit again when heeseung showed up, tapping his shoulder with a heavy palm.

“five minutes” the vocalist announced, his voice vibrating with pre-show adrenaline. “i’m going to call the lovebirds in the dressing room. and you’re coming with me, i’m not dealing with any unwanted scenes alone” heeseung practically dragged him, making him roll his eyes.

***

sunoo bit down on one of the piercing balls at the corner of his lip and adjusted the bass strap on his neck in a shared nervousness before stepping on stage; his fingers opened and closed, clenching into fists, and he laughed when the drummer nudged his shoulder lightly before the curtains opened. whenever they were about to perform, they looked like the same four high school teenagers about to compete in their first talent show; it was bizarre, because what they did up there was definitely not appropriate for fifteen-year-old boys.

the led lights cut through the darkness, turning the thick oxygen into geometric, disoriented beams that lashed over the crowd and the instruments. jay’s first chord wasn’t just a note: it was a wail, a low, long, distorted sound that seemed to vibrate straight through the old wooden floor beneath their feet. the smoke from the machines rose slowly, wrapping around the boys’ legs and making the scene look like a mirage, something ethereal and disturbed, the kind you have in a bad trip.

there was that second of absolute silence. the four exchanged quick glances, one last silent check-in. heeseung stepped forward - his loose tank top already slipping dangerously off one shoulder, exposing a sweaty clavicle before the effort even began - he smiled. “we are the tamed-dashed…” his voice started contained, a secret shared through the mic, only to explode into a roar that made the walls shake:

“AND WE ARE HERE TO BURN THIS PLACE DOWN!!!”

the chaos was instant. the tap-tap of the drumsticks gave the signal and, on the fourth count, they dove into smells like teen spirit.

sunoo felt the impact in his chest. for him, that was the only moment when noise didn’t truly bother him. on stage, being loud was a virtue; screaming was a right. completely different from his calm, almost untouchable demeanor. his fingers chased each note with surgical precision, the tuned bass vibrating against his pelvis like a pulsing open artery.

he always went numb. feeling, up there, became just another vital function, like his heavy breathing and the pounding of his racing heart. he closed his eyes, bringing his full lips close to the microphone for backing vocals - a rough caress exchanged between his skin and the fibrous surface - harmonizing with the main voice in tones that sent shivers down your spine all the way from the sound booth.

far from sounding impartial, but it was incredible how he transformed. the mannerisms, the parted lips, the fingers sliding along the neck of the instrument as if they could carve through any path they touched, pressing the strings with perfect pressure, the ridiculously long lashes that stood out when he closed his eyes to sing a more melodramatic part… your cheeks burned and you were grateful no one else noticed in the poor lighting.

that song was cruel, it meant a lot to sunoo, who somehow had never hidden from anyone, yet was still rarely truly seen. like a sea that holds so much and can be calm at the shore, but turbulent the deeper you allow yourself to sail. sunoo slowly turned his feet, facing the back of the stage, toward you.

and he knew hundreds of eyes were devouring him, but he was only searching for one pair.

he locked onto you there in the half-light, your hair tied in a messy bun exposing your nape to the suffocating heat, holding a clipboard against your chest as if it could give you any extra stability, or maybe you just wanted to protect yourself, which was just another illusion your brain crafted for you. you bit your lower lip hard, a habit that betrayed that beneath the proper manager facade, your heart beat to the dirty rhythm of his bass; you just didn’t know it yet.

“a denial, a denial…” he hissed, eyes locked with your figure. those honey-colored orbs dancing over your expression to the point it made you swallow hard. you were in denial.

he wanted to provoke you. he wanted you to see there was nothing he couldn’t be, regardless of the age difference or your mistaken beliefs about him. sunoo was dying to have you.

when the band transitioned into dirty diana, heeseung approached him from behind - loose hips, eyes carrying a mischievous expression that said only one thing - his quick, sly hands sliding over sunoo’s torn shirt. the girls in the front row went into a frenzy, screaming and shoving each other to get closer to the stage.

the two smiled in complicity; sunoo tilted his head back, resting it on his friend’s shoulder, a crooked smile playing on his reddened lips as the other slipped his hand under the fabric, lifting the tank top and exposing the kim’s slim abdomen to the hysterical crowd. the boy mimicked a hoarse, dragged-out moan that barely made it through the mic, but it was enough for your fingers to tighten against the clipboard and your stomach to twist. you shouldn’t feel like that about the youngest in the band, not when you were nearing your late twenties and he was just starting; in fact, you never dated younger dudes. sunoo wanted to say you were missing out on some fun.

“i’ll be your night lovin’ thing, the freak you can taunt…” they sang together, faces dangerously close. heeseung left a quick peck on his cheek before they pulled apart laughing, as if nothing had happened.

sunoo looked at you through the smoke and flashing lights once again in a silent challenge, a deliberate promise. he was turned on by the music, by the attention, but mostly by the way you couldn’t look away, even when your body tensed; why did you lie to yourself so much? he didn’t want to hear about stupid guys calling you at night anymore, didn’t want to see you showing up to rehearsals with marks on your arms and wrists saying you burned yourself on some damn kettle. sunoo desperately wanted to fill the space you tried to patch with those sorry excuses for men and show you what it meant to be a real one.

he was so desperate that he would probably confess right there in the damn show if his bandmates didn’t have other plans for the night. after two songs without stopping, they were electric, adrenaline making up for the lack of air in their lungs and the burning stage lights. heeseung played around with the crowd for a bit, something about the purple-haired girl with gothic makeup meeting him after the show - and her friends if they wanted too - while the others drank water and recovered.

the vocalist let out a few melismas repeating the last verse of the previous song and sunoo briefly joined in, earning a glance from him at the front. slender fingers hovered over the neck of the bass before he gently pulled the melody, pushing the invitation into the air for the next song: no feelings.

an a low and clean, vibrating through the amplifier. the note repeated as he steadied his hand. fingers slid along the length, finding the next note: g, strong and dirty. no rush, feeling each sound wave individually passing through his flesh.

his skilled hand stroked the bass up to the fifth fret, letting a d ring out continuously. the notes seemed to shift the frequency between them. the brunette watched jongseong unbutton his shirt one button at a time, loosening the tie hanging from his neck even more, stomping his foot and joining the sound that was soon invaded by the bratty noise of his guitar.

the drummer got the message and came in right after, making one of the cymbals ring out. not a normal ring, but an aggressive one that could only mean she was furious. just like sunoo had said before… two sticks of dynamite about to explode.

and sunoo repeated with more intent, more hunger: a, g, d, a. and within seconds the intensity burst through the bar and the song began.

that had been their first song, one that for many years had made sense to sunoo. he liked who he was. the roughness of the lyrics made them feel enraged, and the performance turned into a chaotic mess of bodies crashing in the mosh pit forming on the floor. on stage, one trying to outshine the other without abandoning what was written. the boy laughed when he saw jay kneeling near the edge of the stage and bit his lower lip watching girls scratch at his now bare chest - and apparently one even slipped her number into his jeans -, rolling his eyes when heeseung paused the lyrics just to let out an “oh shit” at the sight, “we’re about to get fucking wiiild”.

and they did. near the end of the song, the drummer abandoned her post and climbed onto the stool, drawing everyone’s attention as she pulled off her shirt, left only in a lace bra.

sunoo stared at you from there, seeing your parted lips, the look of someone who loved control about to lose it completely. he felt a shiver run down his spine, increasing the intensity with which he struck the strings.

last song. jongseong was furious. with a scratch running from his chest down toward his pelvis and a pink paper sticking out of his pants, he had no right to complain - ah, sunoo believed in equal rights - but the park was even more pissed because now the vocalist was acting like a dog in heat while singing suck my kiss, staring at the fiery drummer.

you whispered something to sunghoon, who only nodded, doubtful he had actually heard. as the song reached its end, the inevitable began to take shape. but it was worse.

the drummer fully abandoned the kit, tossing her sticks into the crowd before walking over to the vocalist and kissing him. a hungry kiss that meant many things, and not necessarily that they liked each other.

holy shit.

jay was about to tear heeseung apart. on the last chord, everything snapped. the park pulled the guitar off his body and threw it to the ground carelessly, stepping toward the taller one and grabbing him by the collar - making the girl nearby stumble back - like two fighting dogs. and sunoo clicked his tongue, carefully removing his bass, slipping the strap over his head and resting it against a speaker before moving toward them, shoving his arm between the two. “you guys really”

the argument was heated. not that it was anything new, since the guitarist had a reputation for yelling and fighting over anything, but no one was helping. “what are you? a fucking dog?!” jongseong growled through clenched teeth, gripping the dyed linen fabric so tightly his knuckles turned white. “since you can’t satisfy your fucking girlfriend” the other shot back with a mocking smile, grabbing his wrists to stop him from doing anything else. a general commotion broke out, from you stepping forward to thank the crowd for coming see the show to sunghoon pulling the curtains shut on his own. sunoo held heeseung by the shoulders and pulled him back while the sound tech wrapped his arms around the guitarist’s torso, separating them. “stop this stupidity for fuck’s sake!” sunoo muttered when the lee was about to throw in another provoking line.

***

when they finally managed to reach the hallway that led to the dressing rooms, literally crammed into the narrow passage, sunoo was still holding onto heeseung, positioning himself in front of him and trying to stop his bandmate from pointing or yelling back at the insults coming from the guitarist. behind him, sunghoon and the drummer blocked the way of a frowning jongseong, his neck flushed red with anger. “hee, fuck off. stop provoking, he’s already mad” the shorter one said, pushing heeseung forward so he’d keep walking.

“c’mon park! you called me a dog before but it’s YOU who can’t decide if you leave or bite the bone!” and just like that, with a detestable little laugh, the vocalist slipped out of sunoo’s grip and headed in the opposite direction of jay and the rest of the crew, weaving through a few staff members and disappearing in seconds, probably going after some skirt, since stirring up all that chaos clearly hadn’t been enough.

they walked into the dressing room with the guitarist, and the first thing to go flying was the red lamp near one of the mirrors, which he punched just as hard. both actions producing a sharp crash of shattering glass. sunghoon watched the situation with his arms crossed, trying to speak over jay’s shouting, while the drummer threw herself onto the small couch in the stuffy room like someone used to it - despite the annoyed look - and she was, in theory. everyone there had witnessed one of his outbursts at some point.

but it was when you rushed into the dressing room, clumsy and asking about the “boys” that sunoo acted. your first instinct was always to try and talk, of course, but jay didn’t work like that. sunoo grabbed your wrist, stopping you mid-step, catching the alarmed look on your face when you turned to him. “yeah, princess, you’re not doing this” he said simply, pulling you along and making you toss that useless clipboard onto the console by the door. “dude?” he heard sunghoon mutter in disbelief as they left the man alone with the chaos. “you can make it, big guy”

you pressed your lips together, glancing back as the sound of things breaking continued. you knew exactly who the band members were, but wasn’t it your responsibility to step in when they clashed? it wasn’t like your job was just booking shows and collecting payments. “wait, sunoo, i have to-”

“no, you don’t.”

“but-” and then sunoo stopped as you resisted his grip, only for your movements to slow as his honey-colored eyes weighed on your figure; your protests faded, your expression softening as your heart skipped a few beats.

sunoo’s hand slid from your wrist to your fingers, making you intertwine them with his as you followed him without question. you didn’t even know where he was taking you, but after about five minutes of walking, you ended up outside, in the parking lot behind the bar.

the cold air of the early morning contrasted with the warmth of your skin, which had just been trapped in a suffocating room dealing with the explosive anger of a 24yo. you bit your lower lip, feeling that your thin dress shirt wasn’t enough to stop the chill from raising goosebumps, or maybe it was the fact that even out there, the kim still hadn’t let go of your hand. you looked down at where he held your fingers so tightly, flushing at the thought, stumbling over your words when sunoo turned to you again.

“what were you thinking, trying to calm him down??” he asked, and you parted your lips slightly. “i just… didn’t want him to break more things or hurt someone - or himself” you answered quietly.

“you know he’s an adult, right? if he breaks something, he’ll use his own pay to fix it. if he has a problem, he’s the one who has to deal with it” the brunette said, watching you look away and rub the back of your neck with your free hand. always avoidant. sunoo studied you a bit longer before stepping closer, lifting your chin so you’d look at him. “i’m being dead serious right now. why is it so difficult? why are you always trying to handle things alone?” he asked, his plump lips slightly wet, catching the glow of the nearby streetlights.

you chose not to answer, just held his gaze for longer than it felt safe. you hated when you couldn’t read him, when you didn’t know what he was really thinking. it was easier with the others, who saw you more like an older sister or a babysitter. the muffled noise of shouting and the next band starting up drifted from inside, and you should’ve gone back to talk to the organizers about booking another date, but the boy in front of you showed no sign of letting you go anytime soon.

you walked toward the parked cars, where he finally let go, watching you sit on one of the low concrete dividers while he pulled out a pack and a lighter from his pocket. he lit it and took a deep drag, looking up as he slowly exhaled, watching the smoke dissolve into the air before turning to you and holding it out in offering. you accepted - even though it was just a leftover habit from your teenage years - brushing his fingers lightly as you took it. you sighed before bringing it to your lips and inhaling. sunoo watched, biting one of the balls of his lip piercing. “what?” you asked quietly.

“nothing… you look good like this…” he shrugged. your hair was crap, your blazer lost somewhere in the earlier chaos, the first two buttons of your shirt undone, the thin fabric revealing the black lace underneath. your eyeliner was smudged from sweat and time, and your lips were bare. “messy?” you laughed softly, taking another drag before handing it back. “real. human…” he shot back with a shrug, and silence settled between you.

it was awkward when he sounded like the most grounded one. it stirred something in your stomach you didn’t want to name.

sunoo took the cigarette but flicked it away, sending the butt flying until it hit the ground and died out, then walked over and sat beside you.

he crossed his arms, staring at the half-paved ground while you tried not to glance at him sideways. “i wanted to talk…” he started, his voice unsteady in a way that wasn’t like him, and you already knew what was coming. “sunoo… i don’t think we should…” you replied quickly, parting your lips as you prepared to stand, but he grabbed your arm again. this time almost pleading. “so that’s it? you’re just going to act like all of this is normal? the responsibilities you take on, the people you get involved with…” he spoke fast, trying to make you listen. and now it wasn’t about the band. and you knew he was right. deep down, it wasn’t that hard to understand but in practice…

“ah… that’s none of your business…” you said, placing your hand over his, still warm despite the cold outside.

“how can this not be?” sunoo narrowed his eyes, frowning as he held onto you.

“what do you know about relationships, sunoo?” you asked with a quiet laugh, a hint of disdain slipping through because for him it was always so easy: going out with boys and girls, no commitment, no attachment. but the words hit harder than you intended.

sunoo looked down, loosening his grip before letting go slowly. “wow… yeah… you might be right. i know nothing. i’m just young and bored and stupid” he said with sarcasm, making you sigh and close your eyes before turning to him, your calming nature not wanting to hurt him. “that’s not what i was sayi-”

he dragged his tongue along his cheek, ignoring your gaze now fixed on him.

“that’s all you’ve been saying since day one” he stood up, continuing, “that i’m too young, that i should enjoy myself while i can, go out, meet people…” he paced back and forth. “but i don’t want to. and when i do, when i sleep with someone, it’s to forget the one person i can’t have. the one person who despises me and makes me wait like fucking time isn’t finite while she gives herself to any bastard who shows up” his voice came out fast and rough, emotions weighing down every syllable as he confessed - not how he had planned - turning to face you, watching your confused expression.

“why can’t you see that? what do i have to do for you to notice me?” he stepped closer again, stopping right in front of you, looking down. “tell me, if i can’t stop loving you, what should i do?” because if you knew so much about feelings, you should have an answer.

and even if there was one - which there wasn’t - you knew he wouldn’t accept it. you looked at his face and reached out, hesitating halfway before touching his shirt and letting your hand slide down until you were playing with the accessories on his belt, looping one of the metal chains around your finger as you wet your lower lip.

it was killing him. your mixed signals, your half-signals, the ones that weren’t even there. even when it wasn’t your intention, everything you did had an almost intoxicating effect on him.

sunoo caught your hand around the chain, and as you lifted your face to look at him, he leaned down, pressing a soft kiss to your lips. they parted, and he slightly opened his mouth, his free hand sliding to your nape, ready to deepen it. the contact sent a shock down from your neck to the base of your spine, making your back arch.

“the hell are you doing?!”

you heard the voice nearby and pulled away abruptly. the boy turned and spotted the slightly hunched figure holding a beer bottle, leaning against a car for balance. your ex. he looked at you once more before fixing his gaze on the man slowly approaching.

and like an automatic response, there you went, stepping in front of him, wiping your mouth and crossing your arms. “what are you doing here?” you asked. the older man wore an open flannel shirt, badly done tattoos across his torso. “you didn’t block me on instagram…” he replied with a weak laugh. “just had to check where the show was, sweetheart” his words dragged out as he staggered. “we need to talk”

“i’m still working.” sunoo felt a vein pulse in his forehead, his fist clenching. of course… you’d give that guy a chance to talk once your shift ended, sure thing.

then the man stopped, a dark smile spreading across his face as he noticed sunoo behind you. “i see… working on what? fucking with teenagers now? i knew you were a slut but damn”. your body tensed so hard your jaw clenched, afraid he’d say something about sunoo that he didn’t deserve to hear.

sunoo watched, his blood slowly boiling. he didn’t even remember the idiot’s name, biting his lip hard enough to taste metal. you stood in front of him, protecting him from something he didn’t need protection from. it didn’t take long before the man stepped closer, raising his hand toward you. but the kim was faster, pulling you back and watching the other stumble, swiping at the air. “i think she made it clear, man. go home” sunoo said seriously. “fu-ckin’ bastard!… or what!? huh? what are you gonna do?!”

the bassist moved you behind him as your ex grabbed his shirt, yanking him - not strong enough to make him move at all, more leaning on him than anything - but unlike him, sunoo didn’t react, just stared with a neutral expression. “go home” he repeated quietly, lifting one eyebrow slightly as the disgusting smell of alcohol hit him.

stubborn, the man holding his collar shifted his gaze to you. “this your new boyfriend, yeah?! that’s why you were fucking leaving? stupid bitch! i should’ve known better!” and just as sunoo realized he was about to spit, his slender hand shot up, grabbing the man by the throat, making him choke and stumble back, coughing toward the ground. “you—gh… piece of shit—!”

and that was it. the moment your ex lunged at him, sunoo grabbed him and punched, hitting his jaw so hard (not intentionally, just pure luck) that he blacked out instantly. his heavy body, a bit bigger than sunoo’s, dropped completely limp to the ground; the nearly empty bottle slipped from his hand, cracking as the last drops spilled out.

it happened so fast that all you had time to do was widen your eyes, hear the dull thud, and pull a shocked expression.

you stepped closer, crouching down beside the man’s body. “fuck, you knocked him out” you said simply, checking his pulse.

he could’ve said it wasn’t intentional, but he didn’t give a single fuck about your ex or any other guy you had mentioned over the past year like a broken record. none of them were worth shit. and the bassist was fed up. when his eyes landed on you leaning over the idiot who had practically lunged to hit you, that was it. the very last straw.

sunoo grabbed you under the arm, pulling you up to your feet and dragging you away from there. you protested. he was doing it again. “sunoo, we can’t just leave him there” you tried to break free this time, more agitated than when he had pulled you out of the dressing room. “stop this”

“sunoo!” you shouted, and he tensed, cracking his neck before stopping and turning to you, bending down and throwing you over his shoulder with ease. not a word as you kept demanding he let you go and call a fucking ambulance.

you heard the van door slide open and within seconds you were tossed onto one of the seats. a van with three rows of worn upholstery besides the driver’s seats, dark tinted windows, completely empty since all the equipment was still inside the warehouse. the door slammed shut again and you lunged at him, struggling, trying to push against his chest without enough strength, without enough intention. “let me out!” you demanded. and he didn’t even consider it. “i’m serious, kim sunoo!”

he knew you weren’t.

sunoo pinned your wrists together behind you and captured your mouth again, hungry, completely possessed. his irritation spilled through his tongue, demanding entry. an entry you gave as he cornered you deeper into the seat, crawling over you, settling between your legs. you scrunched your nose and let out a muffled sound when he bit your lower lip hard before sucking on the soft flesh and returning to the heavy kiss, leaving you no room to breathe. he would kiss you until you understood, kiss you until your body burned so hot your clothes became unbearable, kiss you until you were begging for him.

your head spun. his lips crushed against yours, his tongue exploring your mouth with insistence. saliva mixed, acting like a poison in your system, making you crave more.

when your wrists slipped free from his sweaty grip, it wasn’t to push him away anymore. your fingers tangled into his dark hair, pulling him closer, tilting his head so your mouths could fit better, clashing together, wet sounds and low murmurs echoing inside the van.

sunoo’s hands wrapped around your waist, slipping beneath the fabric of your shirt, feeling the warm, smooth skin he dreamed about every night.

his restless mouth trailed down, finally letting you catch some air, licking from your chin to your neck, where he turned cruel - not out of intent to tease, but because he was completely gone, acting like you were his first meal in ages - biting into the sensitive skin, sucking hard, leaving marks that would be visible in the morning, and when they faded, he’d mark you again. his hands moved higher, tugging impatiently at the buttons of your shirt that got in his way, pulling it off you and tossing it somewhere onto the floor.

you held onto the back of his neck, eyes squeezing shut lightly when he buried his face between your breasts, cupping them in his hands and pressing them together, breathing you in, practically growling when the sweet scent reached his brain, memorizing it. he lifted his gaze to you as his eyes adjusted to the dim light, pulling one side of your lace bra down and taking your hardened nipple into his mouth, sucking with need.

your thighs tried to press together, but all you could do was squirm, rubbing against his knee as it sank into the seat right there. he noticed, lifting his leg until it pressed against your covered center, applying pressure, a slow back-and-forth that made your eyes roll for the first time that night.

you tried to hold yourself up on one elbow, your other hand still tangled in his soft hair as he easily unclasped your bra, sliding it down, gathering your breasts to take both peaks into his mouth, his tongue slipping between them before sucking as if they were candy. “you’re fucking delicious” he muttered hoarsely, losing himself on it.

“s-shut up…” you mumbled, breathy, making him smirk before scattering kisses across the soft skin, nibbling here and there. he took his time with each breast, sucking hard enough to leave them swollen and sensitive.

he slid down to the van floor, on his knees, gripping your hips and pulling you closer to the edge now. he took off his own shirt, giving you a glimpse of his narrow waist, lean but toned torso, and the sharp pelvic bones that traced a dangerous line into his dark jeans. you wet your lips watching, and he noticed, letting out a low, knowing laugh as his quick fingers worked to unbutton your slacks and slide them down your legs.

sunoo spread your legs and looked, his hardened length twitching when the lace of your underwear was practically swallowed by your folds. you wanted to tell him not to look, turning your face away and pressing your lips together, but he didn’t give you a choice lifting his eyes back to you. “turn around. ass up” his rough voice ordered.

it took you a few seconds to process before you found yourself pathetically doing exactly as he said.

you hugged the back of the seat, pressing your cheek against the headrest, brows knitting when he lightly dragged his nails over your ass, teasing before landing a sharp, unexpected slap that only made you arch further for him; your pussy was outlined against the fabric, every contour visible, and he practically salivated at the sight. the bassist leaned closer, biting into one of the soft curves, sliding the tip of his nose along your skin until his face was buried against you, hovering his mouth over your clothed pussy.

he licked slowly once, from your clit to your back entrance, over the fabric, making your legs tremble. then he pulled your underwear aside with his thumb, watching a thin string of slick stretch.

sunoo brought his free hand to his mouth, sucking on his fingers before guiding two down to your tight entrance. they slid in embarrassingly easily with how soaked you were. “sssss…” he muttered, starting to pump his digits inside you.

your hands gripped the seat, nails digging into the worn cushioning as you bit your lower lip to hold back your moans, but he wouldn’t allow it. the moment he noticed, he spread and closed his fingers in a scissoring motion, stretching you open and making your eyes roll back as a dragged-out whine slipped past your pouty lips.

“don’t hide, princess… i want all of you…” he murmured against the curve of your ass, licking there before leaving a harsh mark. he picked up the pace, adding another finger once your pussy no longer struggled to take them, pushing all three in to the base and curling them inside. “that’s it, baby… doing so well” the praise hit you like a dart to the chest, making your body twitch as your hand instinctively moved between your legs, searching for your clit.

but sunoo didn’t let you as well. the second he saw you trying to ease the pressure, he clicked his tongue and stopped abruptly, pulling a small frustrated sound from you.

he grabbed the seam of your panties and tore the already soaked fabric apart, tossing it somewhere with your shirt, pinning your wrists against your hips. “i didn’t say you could touch yourself either” he snapped, leaning down again, this time using his tongue to fuck your pulsing entrance while his finger moved to your sensitive spot. it was so swollen, so warm, begging for attention.

he pinched it once before rubbing, picking up a fast pace that made you slide against his palm. you bit into the seat, whining, your hips turning erratic, chasing more, arching… your moans had turned into muffled groans. “mmh, so tight… so good” he said against you, mouth full, opening wider to swallow your sex, his nose and chin getting slick.

“s-sunoo…” you babbled when he replaced his fingers with his mouth, latching onto your clit and sucking like his life depended on it, while sliding his fingers back inside you just like before, stretching you more.

from the way you whimpered and how your pussy clenched around him, your orgasm was close, which only made him hungrier to see you fall apart. he added a fourth finger, thrusting in and out as he pulled to watch your slick spill from you, admiring how your inner lips followed the movement, perfectly fitted. your body trembling like a desperate little thing.

sunoo parted his lips slightly when your body tightened and your release began to spill, soaking his fingers and wrist as it ran down your thighs and dampened the seat. “just like that, baby…” he breathed, fascinated, continuing to finger you through the entire orgasm, dragging every last drop out of you.

when he pulled his fingers out with a soft plop, you were still pulsing, clenching around nothing, making him smile in satisfaction. he bit down on his tongue as he stood slightly, dropping onto the opposite seat, hurriedly undoing his belt and pushing his pants down to his ankles, freeing his hard cock from his boxers.

it took you a few seconds to recover. your flushed cheeks dragged against the rough fabric before you lifted yourself and turned to him. fuck, he looked like a goddamn fever dream.

sitting there, collarbones sharp, thighs firm and pale even in the dim light. his lips were wet, and for the first time you noticed sunoo didn’t just have the snake bites and ear piercings, there was a barbell piercing through the flushed head of his dick, running from one side to the other, catching a faint beam of light. it twitched against his abs.

your eyes lifted to his, and that wasn’t the same band boy you had met years ago. he was different - ridiculously hot for his own good - with a predatory stare that made it clear you weren’t leaving that fucking without being feasted first.

“come here” he said, patting his thighs in an open invitation. and like you were hypnotized, you moved without thinking, biting your lip as you climbed into his lap. you glanced down at his swollen length, your hand reaching out curiously, but sunoo caught your wrist and brought it to his mouth, biting. it wasn’t about him today, it was about you.

he cupped your chin with his other hand, pulling you closer to kiss you again. this time deeper, slower, letting you taste yourself on his tongue. your small hands rested on his shoulders, your body instinctively pressing into his.

sunoo’s hands slid down your waist, finding your ass again, squeezing firmly, urging you to move. and you did, grinding against him without hesitation, gasping against his lip as your oversensitive pussy met him again. “what is it, hm? want to stop?” he pulled back slightly, mimicking your pout, watching you shake your head. “gonna ride me real good, baby?” he asked, and you nodded.

you adjusted yourself, lifting your hips and guiding his cock to your entrance, feeling the cool metal of the piercing send little shocks through you, making your nipples tighten further. you whimpered as you sank down, taking him inch by inch, watching his expression closely: jaw slack, eyes shut. he was so beautiful…

you started moving, rolling your hips forward and back, feeling him deep inside you, so full your moans came out like broken sobs. you held onto his neck, glancing down where you connected, focused on getting the rhythm right since you weren’t that experienced on top. “am i doing it right?” your voice came out small and breathy, and sunoo practically malfunctioned at the question, nodding quickly as he helped guide your hips.

he could bet that whenever those other guys fucked you, it was just some boring missionary where you barely felt anything, and the thought made him grip your hips harder before snapping his gaze back to yours, thrusting up once to meet you halfway, making you choke on a sound.

he did it again, sliding his hands under your thighs now, holding you up as his hips took over, driving into you in a rough rhythm. your breasts bounced, your expression melting as you tried to speak and failed. “m’so g-good…”

“full… feel so full…”

sunoo let your body drop back down and you gasped at the impact before bouncing more, biting your lip, feeling your arms going numb and your thighs burn deliciously from the repeated motion.

he attacked your neck, licking and sucking to muffle his own sounds, unsure whether to grip your ass harder or play with your sensitive tits. “fuck… so good f’me… so fucking good…” a shiver ran down his spine when your lips brushed near his ear, moaning just like he had always imagined. “gonna let me come inside? hmm?” he asked, breath rough, getting only your shaky “m-mhm” in response.

he felt himself getting closer, his hold tightening as if he wanted to fuse you together for a moment. he set a relentless pace, each motion deliberate and deep, making your legs tremble, your knees weak. the coil in your stomach snapped tight, stars flooding your vision as drool slipped from the corner of your mouth.

your nails dragged down his back, your head falling back completely.

you were so sensitive, so full, so- and the moment he came inside you, your second orgasm crashed over you too, wiping every thought away until all that remained was kim sunoo. your body tensed as you let out a broken moan that echoed through the space.

you felt him filling you, warmth spilling deep inside, too much for your tight walls to keep. a white ring forming at the base of his cock as cum leaked, smearing your thighs and his pubis.

his body slowly relaxed. his hand traced along the bones of your spine while you tried to steady your breathing, your head resting to the side against the seat, chest rising and falling as you caught your breath. his once-styled hair was soaked with sweat now, just like his chest and arms. and you, marked everywhere he had touched, with your lower lip bruised from how much you’d bitten it.

the sound of the driver’s door opening caught you both off guard. you looked over the seat as sunghoon stepped in and froze. his lips parted, brows furrowing. “the fuck?!” he blurted before backing out just as fast, slamming the door. poor man. “i need a raise” you heard him mutter as he walked away.

you stayed silent for a few seconds before both breaking into laughter, easing the embarrassment creeping in as the adrenaline faded. you had really done that with him… and it felt so right.

you lowered your gaze, cheeks warming.

“don’t be like this…” sunoo whispered, gently tracing patterns along your back with his fingertips. it was impossible. you had broken too many of your own rules. there was no going back now.

you thought for a moment, sniffled softly, and asked “the words before we got here… did you mean it?” your voice came out calm for the first time that night, your fingers absentmindedly tracing soft patterns along his arm. the post-orgasm clarity finally settling in.

“every single one of them” he replied. “why?”

“nothing,” you tried to hide your smile - and failed - burying your face in the curve of his neck. he smiled faintly when he noticed.

you were his.

***

the dark road was lit only by the vehicles’ headlights, the sky heavy and overcast, threatening rain anytime. since the show had been in another city, you had to head back, driving through the night on the highway just to finally get home and rest after everything that had happened. and at that very moment, a very stressed sunghoon behind the wheel was chewing each and every one of you out.

“and they still had the nerve to charge me that shitty 25 bucks for the lamp. a lamp that JONGSEONG broke, not me. not to mention i get to the van for one second of peace and see you two all over each other in here” the older one grumbled, pointing a finger at sunoo, who was who was sitting in the passenger seat beside him.

“uhh someone needing to get laid real bad” jay commented from the back, sprawled across the last row while absentmindedly running his fingers through the drummer’s hair, her body sleeping on top of his chest. a pile of equipment and instruments was stacked across the middle seats after they’d shoved everything back in.

the comment pulled a quiet chuckle out of everyone still awake, except sunghoon of course, who frowned and huffed, “you asshole, you almost fucked right in front of me!” he snapped, tightening his grip on the steering wheel. “and on top of that, where the fuck is heeseung? i couldn’t find him anywhere”

wait. and then you raised an eyebrow, lifting your gaze from your phone - where you’d been exchanging silent messages with sunoo - letting your eyes sweep across the van, counting heads in your mind before turning toward the front seats.

“we need to turn back” you said urgently.

“you’ve gotta be kidding”

“i’m not. we forgot heeseung. we have to get him back” you said, your expression caught somewhere between holding back a laugh and sheer panic.

#enhypen_is_seven

taglist: @cherryw0n @lisie-loves-u @archivojjong @horgelus @12e45

[ndsoda]

my favorite lawyer ⚖️

[kosmogrl]

[wulfhalls]

dune: part one // dune: part two // dune: part three

[geniousbh]

oh... okay

[yasamasancisi]

[nyancrimew]

gonna start saying "this is setting men back 10 years" whenever some guy says some dumb shit

[nyancrimew]

"this is really gonna hurt the male community"

[kkarmin]

[mssishipi]

wet the bed — sjy

— soft people fucks the loudest.

content tags: established relationship, sub!jake&reader, jay cameo, explicit content (smut) unprotected sex, multiple sex position: 69, doggy style, mating press. squirting, overstimulation. lots of whining and moaning, they fuck like rabbits :) MDNI. WC:2.4k

note: this is a request from an anon, hope u like it!

Who the fuck decided that two soft, submissive people in bed are automatically boring?

"Too vanilla," they say with wrinkled noses and half-laughs, like they know what happens when the lights go out.

You and Jake have been together for nearly five years—since the final months of high school, when you stumbled into something that felt a little too gentle to be real, too safe to be intense. Most people around you just don’t get it. They whisper that your relationship is sweet, sure, but stale. Predictable. Lifeless, even.

But they don’t know a damn thing.

They don’t know that you and Jake don’t need dominance or power games to melt each other down into quivering pieces. You don’t play roles. You don’t lead or follow.  You move, he moves. You're both responsive, both hungry, both gentle in ways that burn just as deep. It’s not about who takes control—it's about how far you’re both willing to unravel for each other.

If those assholes could see what actually happens behind closed doors, they'd choke on their smug assumptions. 

"Nghh—baby..." Jake's voice is slurred, barely even speech anymore. His face is buried between your legs, the heat of his breath searing against you, tongue dragging slow as he works you over.

 And fuck, you are gone, head thrown back, hips twitching, thighs trembling around his ears.

The only soundtrack is the obscene wetness of his mouth on you, your choked moans, and the blaring growl of an electric guitar seeping through the wall, his room mate, Jay’s latest desperate attempt to drown out the symphony of you and Jake destroying each other.

It doesn’t work.

Your ears are ringing. Your vision blurs every time your spine arches off the mattress. Your legs are shaking so hard they barely stay hooked around his shoulders. Your body is covered in bruises and teeth marks. Jake’s arms are clawed raw, red streaks down to his elbows from where you grabbed and dug in, helpless under the waves he pulled from you again and again and again.

You’ve lost count of how many times he’s made you come, how many times you’ve done the same to him. It's a haze. A loop. An exchange of pleasure until your bones feel hollow.

You barely catch your breath before his fingers are inside you again, curling just right, his mouth crashing into yours, swallowing your moans as you clench around him and cum hard enough to see stars. Your hand slips between you, wrapping around him, stroking with messy urgency until he gasps into your mouth and spills across your stomach. 

Then comes the slow grind of hips in missionary, Jake above you, eyes glassy, sweat dripping down his temple. He pushes in deep, moaning into your throat while you clutch at his back, legs locked around his waist, and both of you fall together again. 

Vanilla, their ass.

The aftershocks haven’t even stopped vibrating through your bones when Jake rolls off of you, chest heaving, lips parted. He sprawls across the sheets, flushed and trembling.

Without a word, you swing a leg over him, straddling his face. He groans like a man starved as your thighs settle against the sides of his head, and your gaze lowers to his cock. thick, flushed, and still rock hard despite having cum four fucking times already.

You lean down, tongue flicking out to tease the head, your breath warm over his slick skin. His hips twitch instantly, a soft, choked whine escaping from under you.

“F-fuck,” he gasps, voice muffled between your thighs.

You take him into your mouth slowly, savoring the weight of him,  the way his whole body tenses beneath you. At the same time, you feel his tongue drag through your folds.

You moan around his cock, the vibration making him jerk. You grind back against his mouth, and he groans right into your cunt, tongue sliding in and curling upward. He hardens it, fucking you with it, slow and deep, as your hips begin to roll.

It’s a filthy rhythm—your mouth stretching around him, sucking harder, faster, your spit dripping down his shaft while he licks and licks and licks, tongue relentless, hands gripping your ass as he pulls you tighter against his face. Your thighs clamp down on instinct, not letting him breathe, not letting him stop.

You feel the familiar pulse in your core and the slight twitch of his cock against your tongue, he’s close, again. You squeeze him tighter with your lips, hollow your cheeks, and the sound he makes is damn near ruined. His whine hits a high pitch, hips jerking once, twice and then he spills into your mouth. You swallow it greedily.

Jake latches onto your clit now, sucking, and you are barely holding on, every nerve burning. Your whole body is tensed, arms braced against his thighs, cunt pulsing uncontrollably around his tongue. Your thighs clamp even tighter, grinding down until he can’t even moan, just hums and licks and loses himself.

Jake loves it—loves how wet you get, how you suffocate him with your thighs like it’s nothing, how your pussy clenches around his tongue. He loves the little tremble in your legs, the broken cries you try to stifle, the taste of your arousal dripping down his chin.

"Jake, fuck! I'm gonna cum!" you squeal, your voice shaking, one hand fisting around his softening cock, feeling it twitch, swell, harden again.

Your hips grind down one last time, helpless, chasing that final drag of his tongue as your orgasm hits. You cry out, body shaking above him, pussy spasming around his mouth. Your forehead presses to his thigh, gasping, and you barely manage to keep sucking him as your world shatters again.

Jake lets out a high whine, hips twitching upward into your mouth. He’s still so fucking hard, again. You can feel it, thick and throbbing between your lips.

He moves again as another orgasm crashes into the both of you.

Another orgasm.

And another.

And another.

You lose count. Time folds. The two of you are always going at it like rabbits, bodies slick and tangled, pleasure drawn out like it might never end. At some point you’re flat on your back again, back arched off the wet bed, sheets soaked with sweat and everything else, Jake’s mouth between your legs for what feels like the hundredth time.

You’re delirious, you feel like you are floating.

He pulls back, lips shiny, chin drenched. You barely get the chance to breathe before he’s kneeling between your thighs, jerking himself off with quick, rough strokes. His eyes are locked on your chest, on the rise and fall of your breath, on your wrecked body twitching with aftershocks. He grits his teeth, then pulls his cock free, aiming it at you.

You're hypnotized.

By the way it twitches. By the way his jaw clenches. By the way his abs tighten and he throws his head back with a broken moan as hot ropes of cum spill across your chest, painting your skin with another climax that somehow hits just as hard as the first.

And still, he's not done.

Jake leans forward, one hand smearing the mess across your breasts, mouth crashing into yours with wild hunger. His cock presses against your thigh, still hard and leaking.

"You want more?" he pants against your lips, voice hoarse, almost disbelieving at how far you both keep falling.

You nod, eyes wide, lips parted. Jake flips you over in one smooth motion, pushing you onto your hands and knees, body trembling beneath him. His hands grip your hips, pushing inside again, deep, slow, a stretch that feels impossibly full despite how soaked you are.

You both moan at once. And then he starts to move, hips snapping into you, the slap of skin-on-skin echoing through the room, drowning out even Jay’s music, which is now thundering through the walls in one last futile attempt to ignore what’s happening just a few feet away.

“Ahh, fuck, Jake, baby!” you cry out, fingers clawing at the twisted sheets as the rhythm builds.

Jake groans behind you, bracing himself with both hands on yours, pinning you to the mattress as he drives deeper, rougher. You love this position—God, how you love it. He finds every spot, angles his hips just right until you’re gasping, sobbing into the mattress.

“We’re so fucking good together,” Jake pants into your ear, his voice shaking with need, “Fuck.” His lips find your neck, kissing everywhere he can reach, hot, sloppy, open-mouthed, desperate to mark.

You tilt your head back blindly, catching his mouth in a messy kiss over your shoulder, tongues tangling, moans swallowed between breathless gasps as he starts to thrust harder, deeper, your bodies slamming together.

You’re clenching around him so hard, you can feel every ridge, every twitch of his cock. The orgasm hits, your breath catching, head lolling forward as heat floods you from the inside out. "Fuck!"

Jake keeps going through it, keeps thrusting through your high, refusing it to end. Your hips instinctively push back against him, your eyes roll back, jaw slack, pleasure crackling through every nerve.

“F-fuck, I—shit,” Jake chokes out, repositioning behind you with a sharp slap to your ass that makes your whole body jolt. He watches it jiggle with a low groan, hips snapping forward again and again. Every thrust knocks the breath from your lungs, and your arms finally give out.

You collapse forward, face buried in the soaked mattress, drool slipping from the corner of your mouth, your body slack and trembling. Completely, utterly fucked out.

“B-b-baby,” Jake stammers, leaning over you again, his chest slick and warm against your back.

You feel his arms slide beneath you, one curling tightly around your waist, the other slipping under your body to knead your breast in slow, circular motions. He’s still thrusting, slower now, but no less intense. You feel every inch, every grind of his hips, his cock dragging against your overstimulated walls as he pants against your ear.

“You can take another one for me?” he whines, voice cracking into a whisper. “P-please? Pretty—pretty please?” 

You moan weakly, unable to find words, only nodding as your fingers twitch into the sheets. You’re half-asleep, fucked so deep into the mattress your limbs barely move but Jake’s still moving, still inside you.

“Don’t s-sleep, nghh, baby, fuck,” he breathes, nuzzling into your nape, teeth grazing the sweat-slick skin there before sinking in gently, biting down as his hips start to pick up again.

The pleasure's too much now, tangled with pain and pressure until your body doesn’t know the difference. You're a trembling mess, whimpering, twitching, your muscles weak from everything he's already wrung out of you.

You don't know how he's still strong enough to shift your limp body, but suddenly you're on your back, legs pushed up and pinned high beside your shoulders. His hands curl behind your knees, holding you wide open as he sinks into you again with no warning.

He grunts as he slides home, balls-deep, moaning loudly, eyes locked onto your face, drinking every twitch, every gasp, every flutter of your lashes. His hips start pounding again, relentless, slapping into your soaked cunt with wet, brutal rhythm.

Your mouth falls open, lips slack, eyes half-lidded. You can't even speak.

“Baby! L-love you—ahhh!” Jake cries out. One of his hands slips down, thumb pressing to your clit and rubbing in tight, fast circles.

You twitch violently beneath him, chest heaving, body barely holding together.

Even with your consciousness slipping—your mind half-blacked out from pleasure and fatigue—you feel it again. That same heat blooming low in your belly. Your legs are burning in the mating press, your lungs clawing for air, your head spinning.

“J-Jake, w-wait!” you sob, shaking your head from side to side, voice cracked, but his thrusts only get harder, his thumb moving faster, and ruthless.

“Don’t stop, don’t stop—just one more,” he begs, almost delirious.

“FUCK!” you scream,  fingers twisting the sheets, your body shaking as it hits you. “Fuckfuckfuck!” you shriek as your entire core contracts violently. Your back arches. Your vision whites out. You feel the gush of hot liquid pulsing from your cunt, soaking the sheets, his pelvis, everything.

Jake groans loud and deep. But he doesn't stop. He keeps moving, keeps rubbing, his thumb grinding your clit as you cry out and shake under him. Your legs jerk in his grip, body trying to retreat, but he doesn’t let go.

Your voice cracks—"No! No more!"—but it's lost in the noise.  

“O-one more, baby, please,” he moans as he leans over you again, his body trembling, lips brushing your ear.

Your scream rises again as his cock drags through your soaked walls, now slick with your release. You’re squeezing him so tight he’s nearly frozen in place. His eyes roll back, mouth dropping open.

“Jesus Christ, people! Tone it down!” Jay roars from the other side of the wall, banging his fist hard against it, rattling the drywall. His voice is muffled, furious, but distant and irrelevant.

Jake doesn’t even blink. He’s too far gone. His hands tighten around your thighs as he slams forward, again and again, slick friction loud and obscene, the slap of your bodies echoing through the room.

“Last one,” he gasps. “Fuuuuck, baby, fuck—!”

You scream again, nails digging into his wrists as your body explodes for the final time—another hot gush forced from your cunt, a violent surge that splashes his abdomen and thighs. Jake throws his head back and howls, the tension in his spine snapping as you clamp down so hard around his cock it punches the orgasm straight out of him.

He cums inside you, trembling, moaning, his voice broken and high as he spills deep, cock twitching wildly, over and over. His whole body quakes as he presses into you, emptying himself in ragged pulses that stretch on and on.

By the time it ends, you're both shaking. The room is thick with heat and the sharp, musky scent of sex, every surface damp with sweat, slick, and release.

Jake pulls out slowly, carefully, and even that soft withdrawal makes you both moan. The two of you are oversensitive. 

Jake collapses beside you, arms immediately wrapping around your waist, pulling you in close. His face buries in the crook of your neck, lips pressing the faintest kiss to your skin.

You curl into him instinctively, legs tangled, your body heavy and sore but warm in the aftermath, without another word, you both drift under—naked, tangled in each other’s arms, unconscious on a mattress you’ve completely wet the bed in.

[geniousbh]

plmdds eu preciso dele