My, how you’ve grown! Who’s to say how much time has passed since you wrote this, but let’s just pretend you’ve miraculously grown to be even taller than you (we? me?) already are now.
I wanted to tell you that life isn’t always easy. You (we???) already know this. But I also wanted to let you know that just because life can get difficult doesn’t mean it can’t be enjoyable. Furthermore, life SHOULD be enjoyed. YOU should enjoy life. You tell yourself you’re happy when you’re miserable, because you don’t want to cause a scene. You bury your nose in the nearest distraction, and call it a day. Stop. Stop making yourself small. You are anything but small both physically and mentally. You deserve to live happily and pursue joy. Don’t let the heartache or pain of the pain keep you from thriving in the future. You hang on to regret. You tie it like a noose around your neck, and then you try to convince yourself you’re fine with suffocating. You’re not; I know.
Another thing, don’t be afraid to be proud of yourself. You don’t give yourself enough credit for the things you do. So you’ve made some mistakes in the past? So what? Making mistakes is a part of being human; and last time I checked you were, in fact, one of those. And remember that your accomplishments don’t become any less significant as a result of the mistakes you’ve made. Think of it this way, a mistake is just the process of you learning a lesson and becoming wiser.
Be kind to yourself and others. Have patience. Eat healthier. Sleep more. love freely. Be happy.
This was taken during the first round of CIF. I played varsity soccer for ACHS, and it was an experience I will never forget. And, admittedly, for the longest time, I thought I would be playing soccer until my old, frail body couldn’t handle it anymore. And perhaps that may be the case later down the line; but recently, I’ve had an epiphany. And a certain sequence of events has driven me to ponder if this year marks the end of soccer for me. I have played for as long as I can remember, and I can hardly think of a day when I didn’t have some sort of soccer, goalie, or fitness training. It’s time to reevaluate. What truly makes me happy? Is the answer soccer? And if so, how far am I willing to go to make myself happy? Where does it end? Does it ever end?
A letter to one of my most cherished friends, Emily Fullmer
Sister,
Can words even begin to explain the pride, love, or idolization I have for you? You, Emily Fullmer, the one who taught me what bravery is. You, Emily Fullmer, the one who showed me what it means to love myself. You, Emily Fullmer, the one who showed me the light when I thought darkness had consumed me. You’re more than a sister, more than a best friend; you’re a soulmate. Without you, I would be lost. No matter the distance, we’ll never truly be apart. Thank you for all that you do, even if i can’t find the right words to explain just how much you’ve done for me.
V E N T U R A S E R I E S F I N A L I N S T A L L M E N T
******
Recently, I was inspired by seeing some older photos from when my parents were kids. I liked the idea of older looking photos. I went to one of my favorite places in California, Ventura, and decided to bask in the beauty of the scenes around me. I tried to find locations that really made me realize how special Ventura is. Once I had found the images I wanted, I edited them to make them appear older and more aesthetically pleasing, if you will. To achieve this, I lowered the exposure and contrast, and I raised the shadows and highlights. In addition, I raised the tint and warmth of the photos, and lowered the clarity to give that “low quality picture of high quality things” vibe that feels so nostalgic to me for a unknown reason. Once I finished that, I concluded by raising the vignette.
April is sexual assault/harassment awareness month. I had written parts of this play before, but I wasn’t happy with the way it turned out. This play is about the aftermath of a girl being raped. It... really hit home for me. I can’t go too much into detail, but knowing someone who was sexually assaulted/raped, made writing this so much more difficult. But I felt that I couldn’t explain the words I felt, so I would make actors explain what i felt. It’s kind of hard to explain; it’s better if you read for yourself.
Ms. Laura Arkin: Mother to Nina, stressed and on edge, sleepless, guilty (towards Nina)
Avery Arkin: sister and best friend to Nina, miserable, enraged (towards rapist)
Dr. Andrews: psychiatrist to Nina, level-headed, supportive and caring
---------
(standing in front of set towards stage left, single spotlight, distanced/withdrawn from reality)
Dr. Andrews: Growing up, I had no clue what I wanted to do with my life. I just knew I wanted to help. I didn’t know where and I certainly didn’t know how, but I wanted to help people. Somewhere along the line, I took a psychology class in college in between current events and women’s studies and realized my future. I was going to be a psychiatrist; I was going to help people conquer their fears, face their realities, and cope with their pain. And that’s how I ended up here with families like the Arkin family at St. Angela’s Psychiatric Facility. The stories I hear can keep me up at night in fear of the world’s cruelty, but if that means I can save the lives of my patients, it will all have been worth it.
(turns and walks towards door and becomes a part of reality again. Opens door to reveal Ms. Arkin)
Dr. Andrews: Good morning, Ms. Arkin, thank you for rescheduling.
Ms. Arkin: Hello, Dr. Andrews.
Dr. Andrews: Please, take a seat, and we’ll begin.
(Both take a seat in designated chairs)
Ms. Arkin: You had mentioned over the phone that you wanted to continue from where we left off?
Dr. Andrews: Yes, I would like to go more in-depth about what we talked about last session. Start off from the night it happened. (Taking notes)
Ms. Arkin: (Shakily) …Okay. My youngest daughter and I had just finished watching a movie after eating dinner. Both of us were exhausted so we went to bed. I fell asleep the second my head hit the pillow. I’m woken up to the ringing of my phone beside my bed. The alarm clock on my dresser read “2:49”. I thought it was just a prank call… to think that I almost didn’t answer that call haunts me.
Dr. Andrews: And who was on the phone? What did they say to you?
Ms. Arkin: It was the Santa Barbra Police Department. They had called to inform me that my daughter had been found in an ally…. Naked, injured, and traumatized…. The police told me she’d been on her way home from work when a man- when a man had-
Dr. Andrews: Take your time, Ms. Arkin.
Ms. Arkin: (Sigh) She’d been on her way home from work when a man had attacked and…raped her.
Dr. Andrew’s: And what was your initial thought when you first heard this information?
Ms. Arkin: It was as if my life had been shattered. All I heard was a ringing in my ears. All I felt was my throat close. And all I knew is that I had failed.
Dr. Andrews: Failed? How so?
Ms. Arkin: Do you have children, Dr. Andrews?
Dr. Andrews: No, Miss.
Ms. Arkin: When you become a mother, you know in that very second that their live begins that your life becomes theirs. You live for their happiness and you break with their pain. Your duty is to guide them through life and protect them. I failed.
Dr. Andrews: This is not true, Ms. Arkin, there’s no way you could have known-
Ms. Arkin: I was supposed to protect my baby and I couldn’t! Where was I when she needed me? Why should she have to suffer because of my failure?
Dr. Andrews: Ms. Arkin, you need to accept that there’s nothing you could have done in your situation. What happened to your daughter was out of your control.
Ms. Arkin: If that were the case, then why would I feel the way I do?
Dr. Andrews: Grief works in strange ways, Ms. Arkin. You feel such immense guilt from the moment you realized how helpless you were in the situation. It’s of the utmost importance to me that you understand that this wasn’t your fault, neither your youngest or oldest daughter’s fault that this horrible crime was committed. The only person who could have changed the outcome of the situation is the man who attacked her.
Ms. Arkin: I wasn’t helpless, Doctor! I could have made her choose a closer school or I could have picked up an extra job or two to help pay for her schooling or-
Dr. Andrews: You’re never going to forgive yourself thinking about what you could have done to prevent this.
Ms. Arkin: Maybe I don’t deserve to forgive myself. Perhaps this is my penance.
(Scene stops, Dr. Andrews rises from seat and returns to stage left while Ms. Arkin leaves stage. Avery walks into room and takes Ms. Arkin’s seat.)
Dr. Andrews: Ms. Arkin hasn’t received a real night’s sleep since learning about the incident. To be fair, neither have I. But perhaps she deals with her emotion better than her youngest daughter, Avery…
(Turns and returns to previous sitting location and positions.)
Dr. Andrews: Good morning, Avery. How are you feeling today? (Taking notes)
Avery: I’m feeling just as ruined as yesterday and the day before that, but that’s not the answer you want to hear.
Dr. Andrews: I always want you to be honest with me about how you feel.
Avery: No, you want to hear that I’m “healing” as if I could ever just forget this happened. You want to brainwash me like you did my mother and sister.
Dr. Andrews: Avery, you know very well that “brainwashing” as you call it, is not in my job description. We’re not here so I can make you forget all these feelings. We need to acknowledge them and allow you to understand that it’s not your fault-
Avery: Of course it’s not my fault! It’s that criminal’s fault! That- that MONSTER was the one who made my family the way it is. He was the one who ruined us!
Dr. Andrews: I’m glad you understand this wasn’t you or your family’s fault.
Avery: You know he was granted probation and community service? How could he, the man the ruined my family, get off the hook so easily? How come he gets to walk away unharmed when the rest of us are left shattered in his wake?
Dr. Andrews: As you grow up you’re going to see unfair acts in the justice system. It’s up to you to not let those injustices change you for the worst.
Avery: He needs to pay for what he did-
Dr. Andrews: We cannot allow ourselves to stoop down to his level of violence.
Avery: (Scoff) “Stoop down to his level”? I’d have to kill all my morals to be anything like him. He destroyed my family, he crushed the person she used to be, he doesn’t deserve freedom. Hell is too good of a place for him!
Dr. Andrews: You’re exhibiting rather extravagant levels of rage today.
Avery: Oh? You think? I wonder why that could be! It’s as if I can’t sleep knowing my mom is in her room crying her eyes out or that we’re together at home while you keep my sister locked up in this place like some type of animal!
Dr. Andrews: We need to keep Nina here for her safety. We cannot let her attempt to hurt herself. She needs to be supervised around the clock.
Avery: No, what she needs is to come home to the people who actually love her! What she needs is a day of the week where she isn’t high as kite with the medications you pump into her. What she needs- what she deserves is the justice of knowing that her rapist is behind bars and suffering. That’s what she needs!
Dr. Andrews: Avery, I know it can be difficult to understand, but we’re doing everything in our power to help Nina.
Avery: It’s not just difficult to understand, it’s impossible.
(scene stops, Dr. Andrews raises from seat and makes way to stage left while Avery exits the room and Nina takes her spot)
Dr. Andrews: Avery has an uncontrollable rage. She wants justice, but can’t live with herself when that justice falls short. She expects so much from a system that was never on her side from the beginning….
(Turns and returns to previous position)
Dr. Andrews: Good morning, Nina. How are you feeling today?
Nina: (Silence)
Dr. Andrews: Nina? Did you hear me?
Nina: (Nods)
Dr. Andrews: Please, Nina. How are you feeling today?
Nina: (rough voice) Does it matter?
Dr. Andrews: Yes, of course it matters, Nina. Tell me how you’re feeling.
Nina: I’m feeling… empty.
Dr. Andrews: Okay, what do you want to talk about during the session?
Nina: Nothing.
Dr. Andrews: If that’s what you’re comfortable with, we may just sit in silence. I want to do what’s comfortable with you, Nina.
Nina: …I can’t stand the silence.
Dr. Andrews: Pardon me?
Nina: The silence I- I can’t take the sound of the silence.
Dr. Andrews: Why not, Nina? How does it affect you?
Nina: It reminds me of the silence of the street on that night. It reminds me of how quiet he was when he approached me. I remember the howling of the wind in my ears.
Dr. Andrews: What else do you remember?
Nina: I still think about the flickering city lights and the abandoned shops with employees who had been fortunate to leave long before I had. And that’s when I felt his presence behind me. The night went from cold to freezing and his breath was like ice along my neck. He’s violent and as fast as his actions are, it feels as if time has slowed. It becomes painfully obvious now that there’s no one on this street but us. And it becomes horrifyingly clear what’s about to happen.
Dr. Andrews: You don’t have to continue if you feel uncomfortable, Nina.
Nina: No, no, it’s okay. I need to tell someone, if I don’t I’m going to lose my mind.
Dr. Andrews: Okay, continue.
Nina: I- I fight against him, but his grip is like lead and he won’t budge. I feel his hands grasp my throat and tighten their hold. I vision grows blurry and I feel my heart rate accelerates. I’m shoved into the side of a building and yelp when my head begins to pound.
(Ms. Arkin and Avery are at the doorway and listen)
He begins to tear off my clothes, and I feel the sting of the fabric chafe my skin. I’m screaming as loud as I can, but no one can hear me. I’m crying but no one cares.
Dr. Andrews: How has life changed for you since that night?
Nina: I feel like a stranger in my own body. I don’t know myself anymore. Every part of me feels foreign and unreal. I don’t feel safe in my own skin.
Dr. Andrews: How has your family changed around you?
Nina: They treat me with such fragility, as if I’m made of glass. They’re always careful around me like I’m a ticking time bomb just waiting to go off.
Dr. Andrews: And how has society changed towards you?
Nina: It’s like people I’ve never met in my life seem to know my story better than I do. I hear their whispers when they pass me. They say I’m used goods…that what happened to me was my fault. Did I deserve this?
(Ms. Arkin enters and sits beside Nina.)
Ms. Arkin: But you understand that this isn’t your fault, right, Nina?
Nina: I don’t know anymore. Maybe it was my fault.
(Avery walks towards Nina and sits on the side opposite her mother)
Avery: There’s no one to blame but the man who did this.
Nina: The day was months ago, but it fills my thoughts, it eats away my pride, it destroys my mind. It’s inescapable, it will follow me forever.
Ms. Arkin: But we will be by your side throughout all of it. We’re your family, and we would never let you carry this burden alone.
Dr. Andrews: We’re all here for you, Nina. We’re all here to see you recover.
Nina: And I appreciate all of you, really.
Ms. Arkin: We failed you once, we won’t fail you again.
(Group hug among the three women on the “couch”)
(Dr. Andrews stands up and returns once more the stage left)
Dr. Andrews: It’s easy to turn your head away from other’s pain. It’s easy to stay silent about injustices that don’t affect you directly. But know that pain is universal and even if you’re not affected, someone else is.
(Avery stands up and moves towards stage right)
Avery: That monster who raped my sister will walk away unharmed. He may never feel the full punishment of his crimes that he deserves. I know the world is unfair, you don’t have to remind me. And as I look at the world around me, I’m sick to my stomach. I feel an indescribable pain knowing that there are other people around the world in the same shoes as my sister. And that pain only grows when I think about the society we live in. The society that tells victims like my sister that the atrocities that happened to her are her fault. That she was “asking for it” with her “revealing” clothing or outspoken personality. How could anyone ever understand the pain my sister endured and think she caused or deserved it?
(Ms. Arkin stands from the couch and moves towards center left stage)
Ms. Arkin: Did my daughter deserve to lay there helpless and afraid? Does she deserve the cruel way people speak about her? She was just a kid when this happened to her, but she was forced to grow up too soon. Grow into a hateful world filled with people who blamed the victims instead of the criminals. Society shames rape survivors into believing it’s their fault they were raped… Would you ever blame someone for being shot? Mugged? How can any crime be a victim’s fault?
(Nina stands up from the couch and makes her way to center right stage)
Nina: Society has a funny way of showing its feelings. So many people like to act as if they care about rape survivors but it’s just a way of coping with guilt. People want to pretend to care but they’re not willing to change. Ignorance is still overwhelmingly strong. And before you ask-
All: No, I don’t find your rape joke to be funny.
Nina: -I never have and I never will. Because humor is meant to heal, not harm. No one should have to be told that real pain and misery isn’t the punchline of a joke because while you’re laughing it’s tearing me up inside. I’m just lucky to have people in my life that love me even when I find that loving myself is impossible.
Avery: And we will always love you. We’re family and we’ll protect you.
Ms. Arkin: Forever and always.
(Family hug)
Dr. Andrews: This is my job. It’s never been easy and it may never get easier, but I don’t do it because it’s easy. I know the road ahead of me is long, but I continue because I must. I continue for the moments like these. The small moments in life where you find that one little bit of hope that makes the world human again. Moments like beautiful sunny days, reunion among friends, or even families rebuilding trust. (Gestures to family)
Dr. Andrews: And when you find those moments in life, those moments that make your heart fill with love and happiness, hold on to them for as long as you can. Never let them go.
Thoughts on Global Warming: A Sequel that no one asked for
My sister is... very passionate about global warming. It seems I can never have a conversation with her without the topic escalating to the inevitable destruction that awaits our planet. And as jarring as it is to think about the terrible conditions humanity puts Earth through, the situation isn’t resolved by turning a blind eye.
Like I mentioned, my sister talks about global warming a lot. And once I was able to get past the overwhelming fear caused by the consequences of global warming, I thought of what I can do to help the planet. I want to make a change, both in myself and in the world.
I made a list of things I would like to accomplish to help save the Earth, and I would like to stick to it as closely as possible.
1) Go vegan, as the production of red meat adds to the greenhouse gas emissions
2) Study environmental science and research viable options to lower humanity’s carbon footprint
3) Switch to solar powered devices!
4) Use less air conditioning in the summer and less of the heater in the winter
5) Stop wasting so water (i.e. shorter showers, more efficient dish washing, car washing)
6) Drive less! (No only is it better for the environment to drive less, but it’s good for the body to walk/run/bike more!)
7) Donate money/time to non-profit organizations that help the environment
I realize some of these goals are more easily achieved than others, but I would still like to accomplish them all. Global warming is a really frightening topic, and I understand that, but I think ignoring it is even scarier. I’m not a typically optimistic or trusting person, but I would like to have faith in humanity. I want to believe that humanity is capable of reversing the damage we have created and that we can save our beloved Earth... we just need a nudge (or rather a violent and urgent shove) in the right direction.
Recently, I was asked about my opinions on global warming...
When faced with a dilemma of survival, humanity is faced with one of three options: move, adapt, or die. Essentially, humanity could move to another location to replace their previous home, change their ways to better suit the environment they live in, or we could maintain their ecologically unbalanced ways and die out as a species on Earth. Personally, I believe humanity deserves to die after the harmful conditions we have put the Earth through. Much less with being faced with scientific research that predicts extinction if we fail to adapt.
Firstly, I believe humanity deserves to die out on Earth due to the killing effects of global warming that we blatantly ignore. It has been proven on several occasions that the air pollution humans have created has had a detrimental effect on the Earth. Many examples of the negative effect we’ve had on Earth include the melting of the polar icecaps, the severity in weather and natural disasters, and the rising water levels. Several man-made factors have led to the increasing of global warming such as stifling levels of carbon dioxide, smoke from cigarettes, or air pollution from chemicals or manufacturing industries. And yet, despite all the evidence proving that many of the ways of human life are destroying the very Earth around us, many people still feel that global warming isn’t real and choose to ignore the damage done. Because of this ignorance despite heaps of scientific study, reason, and research that prove the existence of global warming, I believe humanity deserves to die out on Earth.
On the other hand, many people might argue that the people of Earth can still salvage what’s left of the land around us as long as we adapt to be more eco-friendly and change our hazardous ways of life. I disagree with this statement because fixing the damage humans have caused Earth will require an effort made from everyone. The idea of a majority a humans helping to clean up Earth is unlikely considering the opposition from disbelievers. An example of these opposers include members of the Republican Party such as President Donald Trump. President Trump removed American from the Paris Climate Accord due to a personal belief that global warming does not exist simply because the weather around him was cold during that particular moment. The Paris Climate Accord was composed of representatives from 196 nations to limit the rise in global temperatures, adopt green energy sources, and cut down on climate change emissions. By removing the United States from the Paris Climate Accord, I believe humanity cannot bring itself to together, put aside political party boundaries, and adapt to make Earth a cleaner place.
Secondly, I believe that humanity should die out on Earth because how egocentric we are. Humanity only thinks about itself and life in the moment. Rarely does humanity think of the long-lasting consequence that comes with many decisions. For example, tobacco and cigarette industries think about the money made in the moment and fail to consider the damage done to the Earth with their products. Also, many parents have kids that they later put up for adoption despite the overpopulation rates already in existence. Humanity has a specific level of selfishness that has found a way into every decision and dictates the overall outcome. If humanity cannot abolish its selfish behavior, it cannot bring itself to adapt. Therefore, humanity will continue its selfish environment-damaging behavior in the hopes of reaping the benefits for now.
In conclusion, humanity will inevitably die out on Earth due to our hazardous behavior and lack of effort to make a change in the way we act. Whether this is demonstrated through an obvious disregard to scientific study or a greedy and egotistical sense of self, humanity will proceed to die. Options for survival are unlikely based on previous behavior. Humans cannot adapt because of how egocentric are behaviors are. On the slight chance that humanity does choose to move and finds a replacement for Earth, the same dilemma would arise due to our hazardous living. The only possible way humanity could fix the problems it’s made would be to learn from prior mistakes and make the effort to be a better population from them.
Recently, I was inspired by seeing some older photos from when my parents were kids. I liked the idea of older looking photos. I went to one of my favorite places in California, Ventura, and decided to bask in the beauty of the scenes around me. I tried to find locations that really made me realize how special Ventura is. Once I had found the images I wanted, I edited them to make them appear older and more aesthetically pleasing, if you will. To achieve this, I lowered the exposure and contrast, and I raised the shadows and highlights. In addition, I raised the tint and warmth of the photos, and lowered the clarity to give that “low quality picture of high quality things” vibe that feels so nostalgic to me for a unknown reason. Once I finished that, I concluded by raising the vignette.
I feel like I’m just falling into a black hole. My life has become this bottomless pit that I continue to descend. I feel so much of my life slipping and spilling down the drain. Not even just my happiness, but my sadness has taken a leave as well. I feel numb, empty, cold. I feel detached of emotions. I’m stuck living a lie. I have no idea where I’m going, and I don’t even know how I’d get there if I did. I’m watching my life as a movie. I’m sitting in the dark audience, watching, reacting. I’m not actually involved. People pass my by, and I’m just stuck going nowhere. I don’t know how I ended up this way. I think I used to be happy. Or I at least used to feel something. Now I’m just floating through life with what feels like no purpose or drive. That fire that was within me has burnt out; my spark has died. I don’t even know what gets me up in the morning. I think the only thing that gets me out of bed is that if I make through the day I can always go back to bed. Life is short, and I can accept that. Life can feel long, and I’m not sure how to feel about that. It feels like life is going by too fast and too slow at the same time. All I know is that humanity is irrelevant and insignificant. We are meaningless specks of dust in a universe of infinitely more important matters. Nothing any human will do will even scratch the surface of true meaning. That’s because humans created problems and solutions only for other humans. Humanity is greedy and corrupt, and I used to think otherwise not too long ago. I thought it was hope or faith or whatever else bullshit philosophy that has no meaning that people put their blind trust in. I used to have faith. I believed in humanity, and I thought we were capable of amazing things. Now I see I was just ignorant.The thing about life is it’s too short to be miserable. On the other hand, life’s too long to be happy. And I’m convinced that once you find your true serenity, you leave this Earth.
I don’t even know where I’m going. I don’t even know how I’m supposed to get there. I feel so empty inside. There’s this this inescapable void in my chest that just keeps getting bigger. I’m being sucked into the black hole inside me, and I can’t get out. And there’s no one around me to save me either. I’m completely alone. Everyone has left me, and now I’m just by myself. And I’m standing on the edge with my toes just barely hanging over the massive plummet, and I can’t bring myself to step back. I’m sitting here in class thankful to whatever God exists that I decided to wear a hat today to hide my face and my eyes that fill with tears thinking about how miserable I am on this cruel earth. I’m so stuck and I can’t leave. I have my earphones in and blast the music because that’s the only thing I can try that seems to tune out the voices of the people around me. And I’m trying so hard not to cry, but I feel this dam being broken inside me and I can’t stop this wave of sadness that just washes over me.. I can’t remember what true happiness feels like. I used to be okay with being alone. And I didn’t mind the stress in my life because that made the happy moments that much more enjoyable. I don’t know if happiness even exists anymore. I don’t even know what more I can say. Every single person around me makes me sick to my stomach. I feel a chill roll over my body and all my hair stands up. I could disappear and no one in this room would notice I’m gone. I serve no purpose. I mean nothing to anyone. I‘m just a random kid they see for an hour in history. I don’t know; maybe it’s the fact that I haven’t taken my antidepressant in a while. For the most part, I fall asleep before I can take it. All I want to do is sleep, play soccer, and run track. Because even if I’m not always 100% satisfied in soccer or track, at least my brain is tricked into being happy with the neuro-chemical response to exercise. The people nearest me kill any fraction of joy I have left. On the off chance they actually give a shit about me, they ask me how I’m doing. It’s like I can’t even get a one word answer out before they cut me off to talk to each other about themselves. I don’t matter to them. We aren’t friends. They ask me how I feel or how I’m feeling, but they don’t ask because they actually want to hear a response. They do it to feel better about themselves. They seem me as some sort of charity. And when they ask me how I’m doing, they do it to feel better about themselves. They pity me. Everyone pities me. They seem me es this loser with no friends who wanders the halls aimlessly during lunch because she has no real place to go and no group to call home. I feel like a stranger in my own home. And It breaks my heart, and I wish it didn’t. I wish I couldn’t feel anything. I’d rather feel nothing at all than have the chance of feeling happy with the guarantee of sadness.
I wish to know what it is, this feel so amplified in my soul. A feeling leaving my being so vacant and cold and wondering how in a million years I could have been left feeling so tired beyond my age.
They say experience comes with age. And maybe that's true. Some say age and experience have no correlation. And maybe that's true as well.
I can't help but think about how old and decayed my body might look like experience was accurately represented in physical appearance.
Maybe my hands will be covered in freckles from over exposure to sunlight and years of forgetting to reapply sunscreen at the beach. Maybe my arms are tangled in the rivers of veins that shine a brilliant blue against my leather skin. Maybe my hair has grown a shade of gray that rivals only my eyes in a competition of dullness.
But sometimes I think about young I feel.
And I imagine my finger nails barely bigger than a few grains of rice. And maybe then my eyes shine blindingly bright with how much inspiration I feel and how much I have yet to see of the world I exist in. Maybe my limbs are short and I stumble when I force myself to run when I've barely learned to crawl.
But I know no matter how old I picture myself, I always have the same thoughts. The same thoughts I do everything in my power to keep from thinking about.
And so I write it all out and exile the thoughts from my brain.
I shove these ideas out of my head and promptly slam the door behind them. I change the locks of my mind and I keep every spare key possible from falling into the theoretical hands of the thoughts that keep me up at night.
And yet, I sense my brain rattle and my heart shake when those thoughts are pushed back into my head.
Because I know that when I start thinking, I'll never stop. These ideas of my irrelevancy in the universe are a part of a corrupt series of deterioration of my psyche.
I am but one mind in a body that will rot before I will stop thinking. I have a perspective that will die with me and join me in the grave I share with worms.
One body in a sea of bodies. A sea of bodies in world of people. A world of people in a collection of continents. A collection of continents in a plethora of raging waves all coming together to make up this small little planet we know as Earth. Among plants that are among a solar system that's part of a galaxy rivaled by an amount of galaxies I am entirely unable to quantify....
And here I am.
And it makes you wonder why you could ever be so important that you stand out above the rest of those people on that damned planet. And then with that crippling sense of age or experience, you think you realize a near mind-shattering idea: you don't matter. How could you?
And I think that’s what took the howling wind out of my sails and left me stranded in the middle of ocean. And I look up and wonder how I ever managed to get so far from shore. Or I think about why my mind made a journey on the open sea when I knew the waves were just waiting to grip my shoulders and drown me with the rest of the shipwrecked.
