The Beatles, according to straight male fans and biographers
John: Flawless heroic genius. Wrote all the good songs, including the ones he didn’t write. The only Beatle with any talent, the only reason they succeeded. If he had any issues, they were caused by the fact that the world was not prepared for this Christ-like superhuman. He was a True Artist unlike those other hacks he was forced to play with. He was always honest and correct and never backed down from any of his opinions. Definitely 100% heterosexual, a real macho man and how dare anyone suggest otherwise. John was the working class Beatle and was the voice of The People. Also, Cynthia and Julian do not exist. It is a testament to John’s humanitarianism that he allowed the others to be in a band with him, given how unworthy they were of existing alongside him.
Paul: Nagging, controlling, manipulative, talentless girlboss karen who held John back because he was jealous of John’s brilliance. Paul did not have a creative bone in his body because he was a boring posh social climbing square. He and John were never, ever close and John RIGHTFULLY never had any respect for Paul. All of Paul’s songs are granny songs or shallow pop songs and therefore have no artistic value. He was lucky that he was good-looking because he never could’ve made it in music otherwise given his lack of musical skill or value as a human being.
George: whiny, miserable, delusional loser who was foolish to believe that he deserved to have his amateurish songs on the same albums as Saint John’s. Didn’t know his place. Indiaboo weirdo who tried to wedge sitar into every Beatles song and sabotage John’s immaculate vision. It’s embarrassing how much of a John wannabe he was.
Ringo: some big-nosed short idiot who couldn’t play drums and had no place being in the band. If he weren’t in the Beatles he wouldn’t have been able to survive on his own because he was born without a brain and had to rely on people who do (John Lennon). He was uglier and worse at drumming than Pete Best but with Paul acting so bitchy towards Pete Best, Ringo accidentally stumbled into the band whilst looking for a place to pee and was allowed to stay against better judgment.
Brian: pathetic, melodramatic queen who was only there because he was in love with John. That may sound normal and logical, I mean, who among us, but did I mention that he was GAY and had SEX with MEN? He might’ve even slept with John (even though John was totally straight. If John did sleep with him, it is because, like all straight allies, he sleeps with gay people because he feels bad for them). Brian did nothing for the band and scammed them out of gazillions of pounds because he was (((greedy))) and also stupid. He died because he was a loser who liked to suffer. He had no impact on music history and deserves zero recognition for anything he did.
2087
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