Levi’s resolve to keep a clear head has become something that has saved lives of others, not just his own. In times like these, however, it kept his mind a bit too clear and Erwin wishes he could find a way to disarm that sense of self-preservation. It’s not to say that Erwin wasn’t a predator Levi shouldn’t shield himself from, but the games he wanted to play were more difficult to win if his Captain never relented in that sense.
Erwin’s to blame for it, he thinks. Him and everyone who tried to get to him in the underground. Growing up in such conditions meant Levi couldn’t afford to let his guard down, not to mention the memory of how he’d addressed Levi on his first mission outside of the walls. It was an advice more than an order but the other seemed to have taken it to heart, a bit too much by the sense of it.
His own guard, however, seemed to almost lay flat on the ground whenever their situation turned unprofessional. Always happy to welcome Levi in his personal space has turned him soft. In return, though, Erwin knew he wouldn’t have to speak to get his points across. He liked Levi. He trusted Levi. He wanted Levi. So letting the man ruffle his feathers and steal his breath away, pull carefully styled locks out of place was a mere testament to how he really felt. Hell, he knew if it was now that Levi asked him to bare his throat while wielding a knife as sharp as his tongue, he’d do so without hesitation.
Where Levi’s mind remains clear, his body sometimes falters. Erwin can see glimpses of the walls crumbling in the way he takes a breath just a bit too sharply, in the way his eyes seem to haze for just a moment. That’s why getting physical with Levi is so rewarding; it’s a slip of control, it’s just his body responding so naturally before his mind can catch on, it’s beautiful. Comforting.
Even now, he sees Levi’s shoulder twitch before he feels the hand on his jaw but he remains still, unflinching, savoring the way his body betrays him yet again. It’s up to him to figure out what exact emotion caused this before he acts on it, sifting through the possibilities before settling on annoyance, perhaps even anger.
There’s not many, if any, men who would be allowed to see him like this, who’d be allowed to show their displeasure with him physically. People snarked at him all the time, it was inevitable for someone in his shoes, a person in charge of a whole division of their military, but even personally. Mike nor Nile had once thought to lay a hand on him, this was the sort of intimacy he only allowed Levi to breach.
The hand drops and Erwin’s expression softens. “What else is new?” he asks instead, keeping his fingers curled around the strap of his gear. Levi’s not withdrawing so Erwin takes it as a sign that he can push a little further, tugs him just a tiny bit closer.
A discontent sigh escapes him at Levi’s terms. He was almost there, he can feel it deep in his bones. But yet again, it’s a push and pull situation that he can’t seem to find a way to win. Maybe, this time, he has to lose.
Erwin leans closer to him, narrowing the gap between them. “Do I need to pull rank here?” he asks quietly with humor tainting his words, tired smirk settled on his lips. “I’m sorry,” he repeats, closing the gap as he places a gentle, apologetic, kiss to his lips before withdrawing completely and standing up, reaching up to fix his hair back in place. It matters to him, for Levi to have those keys to their home, but he won’t force the man any more. Maybe he’s afraid of that sort of commitment, or the meaning behind it. Maybe Erwin’s thought too ahead, got too excited.
“The offer stands if you change your mind,”
Despite the humor that laces Erwin’s words, Levi finds himself furthest from being amused, his characteristic scowl only seeming to deepen under the notion of being dealt such a card. As if, is what he thinks, but doesn’t voice out — perhaps if it had been another person, he’d treat those words seriously; as a threat, not a makeshift joke. His mind immediately corrects that initial thought, since it’s less a matter of who was speaking, but where those words were being spoken.
Circumstances matter, this much he is aware of. Painfully so. And at present, they are far from being ideal.
To an extent, Levi realizes that Erwin’s pushing things this far not out of some twisted pleasure derived from winning mindgames, but simply because there’s more to the offer than meets the eye. There is meaning to be found in the notion of sharing a house together; most of all, coming from the man who abandoned the idea of romance long ago, casting it away while actively choosing to pursue his ideals; chasing after a dream that stood no chance to be fulfilled, yet pouring every resources to ensure that one day, it would come to fruition.
This could represent a new beginning for both of them, a page turned. A blank canvas upon which they could paint on together, the first few steps taken forward towards forming a family of their own. Even if it was just the two of them, it was enough; it always had been.
Despite being something that Levi himself sought to have, the notion of ‘family’ remained a bitter spot. Not because of his mother, nor because of whatever relationship he forged with Kenny, but because of Isabel and Farlan. His found-family, the two people he sought to protect, only to lead them to an untimely demise. Even those memories are touched by Erwin — both directly and otherwise. The passage of time has tempered his feelings on the matter, anger subsiding and allowing resentment to take its place. Even that was then replaced by an entirely different feeling and then another, until all that remained were empty memories. Melancholia.
A feeling that stays as Erwin parts away from him, concealed by leftover embers of anger.
“You’re sorry,” Levi bitterly repeats, doubtful that the words held true in earnest. Any previous attempts that were made to understand where the other was coming from die out then and there, as he moves to stand up from the sofa. He lingers on the spot for a few moments more, silently contemplating whether he should throw Erwin a bone — a gracious enough move, he thinks. A middle finger raised to the Commander.
“There’s one thing you’re forgetting,” By the time he starts speaking, Levi’s back is turned to Erwin and distance is steadily placed between them. “Without you there, that ‘home’ is just another house.”
Pretty on the outside, meant to uphold appearances. Empty. And if that would be the case, they might as well stay as they were, because if Erwin was content to live a lie, then he’ll find that it was a sentiment that Levi didn’t share. And it was on that note that the door swung open, only to quietly fall shut moments later.
Perhaps in a week from now, things will be different. For the time being, Levi refuses to backtrack and reconsider the offer. If Erwin truly was sorry, if he understood a point of view different from his own — if he’d pull his head out of his ass for just a moment, then maybe, just maybe, he’d accept the keys. Until then, he wants to hear nothing of it.
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