⚠️ Trigger warning: DEPRESSION, ANXIETY, SELF HARM ⚠️
Some of you guys have read on my previous post that I have been very depressed these past few weeks, but only less than five people knows why, the rest of you don't need to know (family & friends, please don't ask na).
December 19, I was in Coffee Project having a semi-peaceful Saturday spending my whole afternoon updating my bullet journal of my work notes, projects, businesses, and other 2021 plans. Even though I have been feeling mentally sick, I have been preoccupying myself with a lot of work and other hobbies and they did work -- I didn't kill myself obviously -- but there were days I cannot function at all.
Anyway, going back to Dec 19 around 8:20 pm, my husband picked me up from the cafe and while we were walking towards the parking area, we started talking about this person whose causing me this much pain in my head and my heart too, cos that person *was* a friend. We went inside the car, I was so furious, I don't think anybody has seen me this mad. I was screaming, shouting, crying and hitting my head with my own hands. My husband tried stopping but I'm just too furious, I just can't stop. In my head, I just wanna die, I cannot deal with the pain anymore. Then suddenly, I cannot breathe. My jaws were locked. My whole fcking body started feeling numb. My neck's nerves were sooo tensed and they were stucked?! I cannot move!! My whole body was paralyzed!!! I could talk, but only 60% understandable cos my jaws were locked. Wth. I WANT TO DIE, NOT TO SUFFER!! I did try my best to tell my husband what's happening to me ...while I was crying, panicking inside my head. He tried to calm me down but didn't do me any good. I was even getting worse. I was running out of breath even more.
He drove to the nearest hospital from our location which was Taguig Medical Hospital - ER, just a few blocks away from Coffee Project. We arrived there around 8:30 pm. They approached our car and my husband explained to them briefly what happened to me. They carried me to be seated in a wheelchair. The staff asked my husband to park the car first. I was crying, still panicking in my head, while the mucus from my nose was all of my face and dress. Nobody even offered to clean my face. My eyes were 90% shut, I also couldn't move them so much, but I saw that there were lots of people in there. While my husband was still parking, another staff asked me the same questions they asked my husband: what happened, what's wrong with me, what's my name, what's my birthday, what's my age, do I have a record in this hospital. In that situation I was, I had to answer all those questions. Imagine, I was already having breathing problems, my body's paralyzed, my jaws were locked, and I had to answer all those and repeated every time they didn't understand me. I overheard one of the staff told the other that it might be Mild Stroke. Wtf. The hell I've been through. Then, my husband came back and he asked if they can just give me a relaxant. They said they couldn't. They have to run some tests first. Then they said they don't have space anymore in their ER so if even I want to be treated there, they would just treat me there outside, beside their freakin' driveway! So my husband of course complained why they didn't tell us that in the first place. He hurriedly got the car back again and drove me to St Luke's. He broke all the traffic rules, he made the cars move aside shouting to them it's emergency, but I guess it's fine, it was really emergency.
At around 9 pm, we arrived at St Luke's-ER and the staff brought me inside right away. They ran all the tests needed as required by the doctor. After getting some of the test results, the doctor already gave them a go signal to give me my first dose of relaxant thru IV. After that, they did a couple of more tests. Throughout, I was still all the same, except running out of breath. My approximation, it was after 3 hours that I could finally talk a little bit better (upper jaw still locked) and I could already force my right ring finger to move a millimeter. They did another test again, I think it was MRI to check my brain. After that, the doctor went to me again, and asked me to help myself. She said the #1 human being who could help me right now was me. I thought about my daughter. I stopped crying, I tried to calm the chaos in my head. I want to breastfeed my daughter tonight. Then she gave me another relaxant. After about an hour (4th hour in the hospital), I can already move my arms, legs, jaws aren't locked anymore. So we told the doctor I'm ready to go home, I'm better now. She told me all my test results are okay, the initial screening of MRI looks okay too (but the full diagnosis were not out yet - we said we could just get it back again later). I asked her, if all my test are okay, what happened to me? The doctor said I experienced an Anxiety Attack and what happened to my body is called CONVERSION DISORDER. It is a rare condition wherein your mental stress is converted to physical condition. It can make you blind, paralyzed, and affect your other nervous system, but won't be able to explain by a medical evaluation. She also advised to follow this up with my psychiatrist and, of course, avoid stress triggers.
- Never neglect mental health.
- Fck money. Go see a psychiatrist.
- Be careful of the "friends" you allow into your life. I can only count with my fingers the friends I consider "friends" in my life, but one chose to play with my mental health.
- Coffee can indeed trigger anxiety attack.
- Again, if you feel mentally troubled, just go see a doctor. Don't wait for things like this to happen to you.
Posted by Mara Kereci on Facebook a day ago.
Happy holidays! Stay safe and healthy (in all aspects) and looking forward to better 2021 to all of us.
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