Transcription for the hard of hearing:
[soft orchestral music] [deep, smooth male voice, reading dramatically] Once upon a time, in a faraway land, the young Prince lived in a shining castle. Although he had everything his heart desired, the Prince was an absolute douche canoe.
But then! One winter’s night, the ugliest human you have ever seen - short of the two-penny crap you see in movies like Underworld, or whatever - came to the castle, and offered him a single rose, in return for shelter from the bitter cold.
After evacuating his bowels for four minutes, the Prince sneered at the gift, and told the CGI mishap to get fucked. But she warned him not to be such an apocalyptic fuck hat to strangers, and that beauty is far within.
In an effort to be slightly more polite but failing miserably, he told her to crawl into the nearest hole and roll about in it screaming “norf norf squig”. But instead, the old woman’s ugliness melted away, and she was hella fine.
The Prince bitched his face right off, but it was too late! For she had seen that he really was a Fuck. And as punishment, she transformed him into an Ozzy Osbourne mistake [soft, shocked gasp in background], and placed a powerful spell on the castle, and all who lived there.
Ashamed of his now seemingly-odd-but-not-necessarily-completely-disarming appearance, the Beast concealed himself inside his castle, with a magic mirror as his only window to the outside world. Because cellphone signal didn’t do a wad of shit in the mountains, and there wasn’t a cellphone tower for like, bunches of years.
The rose the aforementioned tricky bint had offered, was truly enchanted as all get out. It would bloom until he was finally legally able to guzzle wine like tomorrow’s a dream. If he could learn to not to be a pile of indigestible fuck, and could find someone to at least clean up after his constant mess, [thunder rumbles] by the time the last petal fell, then, the spell would be broken. If not…well, you know, stuff.
As the years passed, he fell down the stairs. [sounds of someone crashing down stairs and screaming] I’m sorry, into despair, and lost all hope. For who could ever learn to love such a cock waffle?
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