All my life I have wanted to run away run and never look bad but I haven’t in fear of people worrying or disappointing them. I always wanted to escape my house so every chance to get out I did. I stayed outside til the sun set when I was young. I imagined myself in all the tv shows and movies I watched. I stayed with friends for as long as I possibly could. As I got older I started sneaking out to sit in parking lots for hours. I used people even. I kept people around I didn’t really like so I could stay with them or use their car. Then I got my own car and I would sleep in it parked down the street from my house. Once I turned 18 I was out of there. For three months I drove around America sleeping in my car shoplifting groceries. I never wanted to go home but the road is mentally taxing and my physical health started to decline. I returned home to the hoard. I felt like I had to shrink myself down fit in that house. My mental health worsened to the point of accepting abuse just to have a different place to sleep to have someone buy me food and show me “love”. I ended up getting back together with an ex and we married. I moved halfway across country to be with him. He is kind. He thinks the sun shines out of my ass. He tries to take care of me. Cooks for me and cleans but I don’t feel understood. I have trouble communicating and have a tendency to shut down. After a shut down has eased I try to tell him how to approach and handle the situation but nothing ever changes and recently he triggered me so badly. I feel my emotions in extremes and right now I hate him. I feel stuck with him because I rely on him because I’m chronically ill and disabled. I’m so scared. I’m so tired of living this life.