Hey I’m bpd but tbh I know nothing about the disorder and that’s kinda sad. I’ve had this diagnosis for a couple years and idk why I’ve never looked into it. Could you possibly help me understand this better?
that’s not sad ! when i was diagnosed i knew literally nothing , i’d never even heard of it! i mean now i’m a Pro ™ bc ive been diagnosed for like 5 years and i’ve been running this blog for nearly 4 years but not knowing too much and not looking into it isnt sad at all. i’m going to give you a run through of the DSM symptoms and what they mean to you, okay?
WELCOME TO BORDERLINETRAUMATIZED’S GUIDE TO BPD SYMPTOMS
so first is “frantic efforts to avoid abandonment, whether real or perceived” this is one of the big ones. as a borderline it is very common for you to assume even the slightest change in a persons mannerism or unexpected action/response means they hate you and are going to abandon you. some borderlines will profusely apologize even when there’s nothing to apologize for (i’m so sorry if i’m annoying , i’m sorry i’m a burden, i’m sorry you have to deal with me). some will repeatedly ask if the person is mad at them because they feel a desperate need for reassurance and so they can rectify it if they are mad so that they aren’t left behind. they may spam text messages until the person answers to elicit a response, or they may even push away the person because if you abandon them, they won’t have the chance to abandon you and it will “hurt less.”
then there’s “a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.” this is the symptom which is commonly referred to as “splitting.” borderlines have a very difficult time holding long term relationships, in part because of their fear of abandonment either making them cling too tightly or push away the people that they love. borderlines are really sensitive to what we assume are slights, and if a person doesn’t act the way we want them to, we may get incredibly angry and begin to hate the person. you can have some really intense thoughts and even lash out at them because your brain is just telling you how terrible they are and you hate them. this happens a lot if they’re being “ignored”, at least for me. “okay, you’re ignoring me? you won’t answer my texts? well fuck you, you fucking suck and honestly i don’t even like you, i can find better.” but then on the other hand, there’s intense love for that person. note that this generally isn’t for every relationship people with bpd have, its for relationships you consider close and important to you. so with idealization, this person is like your sun moon and stars. they mean everything to you and can do no wrong. if they asked you to jump off a bridge, you honestly might. you’ll excuse all of their toxic behavior and put them above everybody else. they’re YOUR person. people often refer to these relationships as their “fp” or “favorite person.” the intensity of these relationships and the destructiveness is the swing between hate and love can lead to either you self destructing the relationship or the other person becoming very overwhelmed and leaving.
the next symptom is “markedly persistent and unstable self-image or sense of self.” here’s the personality disorder part! pwbpd (people with bpd) often feel like they don’t really know who they are. their personality is a conglomerate of the people around them, and who they are with one person may be very different from who they are with another. with one of my best friends, i can be a very catty, gossipy person. when i was in an old group of friends, i was very “IM GAY IM GAY LOOK AT ME !!! 🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈”. i was doing everything i could to fit in and i cut all my hair and dyed it and wore everything i could find from hot topic. with my next friend group, i dressed entirely in forever 21 and grew out my hair and wore makeup and lipstick that popped. my current fp literally just told me how disgusting she finds cow milk and now i’ve stopped drinking it bc if she doesn’t like it, it must be gross. i bought a $70 skincare routine to match hers. i am who other people want me to be, and that helps me blend in really well. people are always surprised how well we click , but it’s because i’m a reflection of them. i mimic their sense of humor and opinions and mannerisms. it’s a defense mechanism to keep people from abandoning you. you become exactly who they want you to be.
“impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self damaging (eg reckless spending, excessive and unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating.) this does not include suicidal or self mutilating behavior.” honestly, sometimes we just want to FEEL something. bpd can leave you feeling so drained and like you’re a shell and you’ll do anything to feel something. you’re too impulsive to think about consequences and you just chase whatever will give you some quick dopamine. short term gratification is really intoxicating. some people just honestly don’t care what happens to them either. if i die, i die, and so they do whatever they want.
“recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self mutilating behavior.” this is a difficult one. people with bpd feel SO much pain and distress even from daily life. the distress tolerance that a person without bpd has is so much higher than a pwbpd. the suicide rate is high, and the attempted suicide and hospitalization rate is even higher. but also … this is controversial , but some borderlines will threaten suicide or give half assed attempts at it (taking a number of pills that is concerning but that they know won’t kill them) as a cry for help or to get people to pay attention to them. sometimes they’ll harm themselves and make sure other people know so that they’ll receive attention and concern. they’ll threaten to kill themselves to keep people from leaving. this is the dark part of bpd that is very embarrassing and is part of what makes people think we’re manipulative. we aren’t, not inherently. but an untreated borderline CAN have some manipulative behaviors. again, we WANT attention, and we don’t want people to abandon us. frantic efforts can be desperate. but also again, i want to stress, the bpd suicide rate and self harm rate is through the roof. it is NOT always about attention and manipulation. we feel genuine mental anguish and it hurts, and sometimes you just want it all to stop.
“affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (eg intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days.” bpd mood swings are killer. at the drop of a hat you can go from top of the world euphoria to bottom of the ocean depression. this can be because your fp reacted in a way that upset you or made you feel burdensome, or you got a bad grade on a test, or even because you fuckin dropped a pencil on the floor. it doesn’t matter. sometimes there isn’t a reason at all! and our anger can be through the roof. the smallest things may set you off, especially when you’re already irritable. somebody asking too many questions or standing too close can make you angry enough to explode when you normally wouldn’t. you may feel extra anxious that your fp is going to leave you for absolutely no reason. the mood swings can be daily or every couple of days and set off by very small things; if anything. it’s frustrating and draining to not know when your mood is going to change or why, and know thay this isn’t how you want to react and later on regret it. the GOOD thing is that these mood swings don’t last too long, but i mean.. it’s only good after they’ve passed.
“chronic feelings of emptiness.” i feel like i’ve touched on this a lot in my previous answers, because honestly those are the reasons we feel empty. bpd and depression have a high comorbidity. and when you are left alone with your thoughts you can feel like a shell.
“innapropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (eg, frequent displays of temper, constant anger, or recurrent physical fights).” again, our emotions SUCK. we can be irritable and angry all the time. i know personally i feel like i’m in a perpetual state of anger. everybody and everything makes me mad and i overreact over everything. and it’s hard to keep that to myself. you may blow up over small things that a normal person wouldn’t, say things you don’t mean to hurt the other person, or even get so angry you resort to throwing things and physically getting into it with people. a common term for this is “Borderline Rage,” which is like this intense anger that blocks out everything else. all that you can feel and sometimes it feels like all that you’ve EVER felt is anger. it’s white hot, and you’ll say anything to hurt the other person. you may punch a hole in the wall out of frustration or say the most cutting things you could possibly think of. not every borderline is like this though !! this is the typical borderline experience , but “quiet borderlines” express their anger inwardly, taking it out on themselves through self injurious behaviors.
lastly, “transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.” sometimes our emotions are TOO intense that even our brain can’t handle them. you may feel like you’re having an out of body experience, like you aren’t real or the people around you aren’t real. this is your brain’s way of detaching itself and coping. you may feel so paranoid that you’re certain that every person in the world hates you and you’re a burden and every action somebody takes is an action against you.
edit: as a beautiful follower just reminded me, a person with bpd does NOT have to display every single symptom on this list. if you find yourself relating to most but not all, you are still valid !!
