i do really think the only true violence secondo is capable of is against himself. not that he hasn't hurt other people in some capacity, he's not emotionally available, so of course he has. but a lot of his behavior is also just him randomly high-dosing on self-harm and thinking it's good, it's what he deserves and what he needs and what he preaches.
he despises himself as much as he's safe and confident in his own skin. it's a co-existence he's made peace with by now. he's calm and controlled, meticulous and educated, and on the other side he's mayhem, chaos, uninhibited hedonism. it's supposed to be a balance but is it, really?
i think it's claustrophobia, i think he's breaking out of this safe and solid life he's build but he's overdoing it every time. it's control vs. excess. it's routine vs. waking up hungover, it's a structured, responsible life vs. hollow drinking until you don't feel yourself anymore. it's reading your book at home vs fucking for the sake of it and feeling like a husk after. it's sophistication and expensive suits vs. the vomit stains on your shirt the morning after. leading the congregation vs. losing yourself in the strobe lights and loud music where no one else needs you.
and it works, for a time, until the self-loathing takes over and the only remedy to that is to repeat the cycle again and again. and how perfect that it pisses off the very people you hate anyway. life is full of regrets, what are a few more, at the end of the day, right?
