for my dear ai ( @jjennuine ) ◜ᯅ◝ angst darkish content .. ? unrequited love self hatred unhealthy obsession emotional exhaustion 🎱 don't flop pls..
you don’t even care if jay doesn’t look your way. not once, not ever.
all you want is for him to notice you─even when you aren’t there. you want him to touch your life, without saying a word. but somehow, that’s enough to keep you alive.
you’re sitting in the back row of class with your friend, headphones blocking out the loud chatter. when your eyes keep drifting to jay, he’s laughing with his friends. completely unaware of your existence.
he doesn’t look your way once, and you hate that.
“y/n..?” your friend says quietly. “why are you always staring at him?” she questioned, noticing your stare.
you shrug, voice barely above a whisper. “i don’t know, i just.. want him to see me,”
“but he doesn’t even know you?”
and that what hurts the most to you, what makes your heart ache.
your mind feels like it’s floating outside of your body. watching yourself, filled with nothing but hatred because all you want is to be seen by him.
you don’t care if he’s in a relationship or not, you don’t even want him, you just want to be noticed.
it’s this miserable feeling of self-loathing, like slowly forcing breadcrumbs into your mouth. “i don’t care if you love me, just see me,”
you want a perfect body─to be the perfect person that he can’t ignore.
you tell yourself that you’re willing to destroy yourself just to matter to him, for him to acknowledge you. so desperate for his attention, just one look your way.
but then you remind yourself, that you’re a creep.
a weirdo.
you wonder to yourself, “what the hell am i doing here?” no, “what the hell am i doing in my own body?”
your so full of self hatred that you want to crawl out of your skin, to become someone else that jay can’t help but notice you.
you beg yourself to change.
but then, when it feels like he finally might see you, he walks out.
your heart shatters, because in your fucked up mind, he’s running away.
leaving you forever
hating you
but really, he’s just leaving for lunch.
and you’re left with nothing but heart ache.
when you realize to yourself, that nothing has changed.
he still leaves, no matter how much you try, or no matter mow obsessed you become.
nothing will make him stay.
all the love you gave, your obsession, your yearning, has brought you nothing.
no affection
no attention
no acknowledgement.
you gave your everything to someone who barely knew you existed.
you hoped for one glance, standing there.
but when he finally looks your way, he gets up and leaves.
so you give up.
except, hope still lingers in your mind.
maybe one day, he’ll regret it.
maybe one day, he’ll give you a second thought. recognizing all your effort, your obsession.
and maybe, he’ll love you the way you loved him.
but that never happens.
so you end up accepting it.
“maybe i should let him go, let him leave,” you think to yourself.
because you know, that all you want is for him to be happy.
and now you have nothing.
you have nothing to blame him for, because you’re the reason he left.
you weren’t good enough, you didn’t try hard enough, or maybe you tried too much.
you did everything wrong, in every single possible way.
and now, the only reason to make him happy is to hate yourself, and disappear.
so here you are now, empty and exhausted─worn out.
you’re too tired to keep trying, because you have nothing left to give. you gave jay your everything, for nothing in return─not even a glance.
at first, you didn’t care if it hurt. you just wanted his attention.
but he’s already gone now.
if jay doesn’t love you, then no one will.
and at the end, you just pass out.
from pure exhaustion.
taglist is open !
비비 : the way that aiera explained this song to me and how she analyzed it made it so easy to imagine and put into words. hehe i used her amazing vms she sends me and made this ! happy birthday my love >_<
MANA: happy birthday aibaby @jjennuine love you so SOOO much ☹ first bonedo fic !!!
The unit beside yours had been empty for months. It was occasionally rented out to people who never stayed long. So when the moving truck arrived on a Saturday morning and a boy your age stepped out, you were curious.
But you didn't expect him to be cute.
Really cute.
You held the phone to your ear as you watched from behind the curtain. He was helping out delivery guy out, sleeves pushed up to his arms and hair a bit messy.
''Hana,'' you whispered dramatically into the speaker, ''I got a new neighbor.''
Your friends line went quiet until she replied with ''Y/N what.''
''HE'S SO CUTE. I need help what do I do.''
She hummed on the other side, ''Well if you want an excuse to bake something and say hi, do that.''
Which is how you ended up outside his door that afternoon, clutching a small box of homemade cookies which you were afraid of dropping due to your sweaty hands.
The door opened before you could knock twice.
He was tall. Way too cute.
''Oh—hi,'' he said, surprised. ''Uh are you selling cookies or..?''
You blinked, suddenly forgetting how to speak. ''No! I mean uh I live next door. Just thought I'd welcome you..?''
He smiled sheepishly, ''Sorry, that makes way more sense.''
You were just about to turn the second you handed him the box before he spoke up.
''I'm Leehan by the way.''
You turned, suddenly questioning over all of the guys you found handsome. Compared to this man? They were all nothing.
''I'm Y/N.'' you smiled, glancing over at the box. ''By the way, those might be terrible, but I've made this weird promise to my mom to never give a neighbor something store-bought. Apparently a thing called neighborhood pride..''
He laughed, eyes crinkling slightly. ''I'll risk it. Thank you Y/N.''
You tossed and turned all night, the room a bit too hot considering your AC was on.
''Neighborhood pride? Seriously what were you thinking Y/N..'' You whispered to yourself, sure the promise and the pride thing was true, though was it maybe too much?
You sat in bed for about two more minutes when there was a knock at your door. Your head snapped towards it.
This late? On a Saturday?..
You looked up at your family picture and muttered ''I love you guys,'' before grabbing the bat your brother gave you for ''life and death situations''.
The sound of the floor creaking could be heard as you sneaked towards the door, bracing yourself.
You quickly unlocked the door and stepped back, just to be met with the sight of a confused Leehan with a cap on which made him look illegally hot.
Gosh so embarrassing.
''You okay..?''
You nodded, eyes wide as you dropped the bat. ''Yeah..''
He chuckled, stuffing his hands in his pockets. ''Hope I didn't disturb you-''
''I wasn't asleep!''
''Oh. Well I was wondering if you had bandages? Kinda scraped my knuckle.''
You blinked, glancing towards his knuckles, then back at him. Then blinked again, suddenly realizing you had been standing there like an idiot for about 15 seconds. ''Oh my god sorry! Yeah I think I might have some, come in.''
He nodded as you rushed towards the kitchen, his eyes flickered to the frames hung up on the wall, mostly family ones.
''I have waterproof ones, which ones do you wa-''
''Is that you?,'' he asked, looking over at a childhood picture.
''Uh well yeah..''
''Cute,'' he muttered and you swore you almost passed out.
Over the weeks, you saw more of him.
Literally.
Your food delivery arrived at the same time as his, and to your horror (and excitement) you two had classes at the same time. Which meant you two had exactly 24 seconds together in the elevator if nobody interrupted.
It turned into a routine.
You'd wave to each other when on the balcony.
Mouth ''good luck'' on days with exams.
Send food over when any of you cooked.
Today when heading out to buy groceries you found a note on your front door.
''Wanna hang out this weekend?'' -KDH.''
You smiled, writing one back.
''Maybe :)''
The weekend turned into several.
You learned that he loved fishes, plants and swimming. That he loves jazz. You learned that he thought your laugh sounded like a warm summer day. You didn't know what that meant but it made your cheeks flush anyway.
One evening you both sat on the bench in the park outside the apartment, sharing a bag of chips.
''You're different from the people I'm used to,'' he suddenly said.
You turned your head towards him. ''Is that a good or a bad a thing?''
''A good thing,'' he smiled, ''You make this place feel less temporary.''
You didn't know how to respond, so you just scooted closer and handed him the bag of chips.
The first time it hit you that you really liked him was when he showed up at your door on a rainy day, holding a notebook.
''I have a broken light, can I crash your study session?,'' he asked, almost sheepishly.
You smiled, stepping aside.
As he settled at your desk, flipping open the notebook, you realized something simple but terrifying:
You didn’t want him to leave.
You must've done something preciously good to deserve this.
One of his friends had called up, saying they guessed that you were his girlfriend and that they needed you to pick his drunk ass up.
By the time you had dragged him back to his place, he wouldn't let go.
Like seriously.
His arms were around your waist, face in your stomach.
''Y/N.. Why are you leaving me all alone..?'' he slurred, hair messy and face flushed, though it seemed like yours was flushing more.
''I'm going back to my-''
''Y/N why can't you see that I like you so much..,'' he whined, and you dropped the phone from your hand.
He peeked up, eyes glassy as you stepped back.
''Leehan. Say that again.''
''That I like you..?''
It took all of your restraint to not kiss him right there. You yourself were on the verge of tears, both of you staring at each other. Though the situation was more humorous than emotional.
''Do you know what that means?''
He nodded, brows furrowed. ''I'm a grown ma-''
You jumped into his arms, sniffling loudly ''Don’t say anything.''
Later when you pulled back, his eyes were wide with a sparkle that you always noticed. ''Does that mean I can come over without lying about a broken bulb? ''
You nodded, wiping a tear. ''Mhm, you can sleep on my bed you loved so much too.''
He shook his head, hands coming up to rest on your thighs. ''How will we handle the distance? ''
You laughed, resting your head once again against his shoulder. ''We'll figure it out.''
