some days are better than others

hello my name is lee! i am a lot of things but mostly i'm a traumatized gay-ass witch. 25/they pronouns/NB butch. personal posts tagged with self.doc - but if yr gonna hit a tag i recommend my art or my poetry instead, they're much nicer. (my icon is a painting i did!) crazy, disabled, addicted, former abuse victim still surviving. please don't hesitate to ask if you need me to tag something i don't already! i am sometimes bad about replying to messages but i love mail and i love making new friends & meeting new ppl :) posts are OK to reblog too! give me attention basically bc i'm a bpd lil angel 💕 ok well big love to anyone except the Creep Patrol, bye

[ghostlysingsong]

hello from awhile ago

hi friends, i've gotten some absolutely lovely messages while i've been away & i just want to say hi to everyone - will try to msg specific ppl in the near future, but in the meantime/otherwise, please hmu for my phone # to txt/my new snapchat if u wanna stay in contact - feelin like this platform is fading out for me i'm about a year out from the shit that went down with b. & k. i haven't had a drink in nearly six months. i've been working full-time for about 4 months at a job i like where i'm succeeding and i'm making amazing new friends there. i'm not in any serious place romantically but spring is makin me feel like i can be loved/wanted without crumbling or being abused again. i'm safe and as healthy as i can expect. my cat is safe and healthy and beautiful and strong. i love you all and i am so eternally grateful for each and every single one of you that helped carry me through the past year. i would not have made it without you. please, please, please know how much i want to return the kindness. don't be afraid to get in touch. 💕

[ghostlysingsong]

returning from hiatus briefly to inform y’all that the bob ross twitch stream is a 100% solid use of yr time

the chat can be a little rough but it’s softened by the magic of a) bob ross and b) seeing teenagers who have never heard of bob ross witnessing him for the first time :3

[ghostlysingsong]

might try getting back in2 the blogging thing; having a lot of thoughts starting to crowd my head again lms if u like this and/or the idea of me writing longer/more researched/edited pieces abt stuff (feeling like i'm gonna get farther/am instinctively better at writing??) right now i'd be writing poetry and also essays about shitty iOS games & society but idk where it would go. idk. basically just lms if u like my writing & think i should focus there?? okay???? bye i love u all send me msgs abt keeping In Touch if u wanna & i'll try 2 not be a traumatized shitbag in response xoxo

[ghostlysingsong]

hey friends 💖 been in isolation for a little bit as some of u have noticed - ty for the kind messages saying hi - i am 26 days off opiates and my body is still relearning how to live and i have more steps to take but i'm doing pretty okay. think i need a bit more time away from this space to refocus/etc. but i miss you all & i'd be happy to chat/txt with anyone who wants to keep in touch till i come back sending lots of love out to everyone & hoping life is going as beautifully as you all deserve 💕

[ghostlysingsong]

i don't know how, as an 18-year-old, i didn't intuitively understand that rilke's "you must change your life" is immediately followed by an under-the-breath "because it fucking sucks, dude", but it totally is

[ghostlysingsong]

returning from my brief tumblr depression-induced hiatus to say that my @slimgiltsoul package came in and it’s IN MY BAG and SO SPARKLY and i won’t even let myself open it till i get back from buying smokes bc i need to savor every second of its newness

[ghostlysingsong]

I READ ALL 3 ZINES STRAIGHT THRU IMMEDIATELY. shame. jk no shame, i will treasure these forever. i'm on mobile so i can't link easily but go 2 @slimgiltsoul's shop and buy "recovery blogger" if it is still available in the first run, u will not regret it!!!

[ghostlysingsong]

returning from my brief tumblr depression-induced hiatus to say that my @slimgiltsoul package came in and it's IN MY BAG and SO SPARKLY and i won't even let myself open it till i get back from buying smokes bc i need to savor every second of its newness

[ghostlysingsong]

also: did you know the same game dev studio made kim k hollywood & the (iOS mobile at least) "deer hunter" series games like... as someone who is playing both intensely right now, there's a lot to be said about the ethos of each game universe, the development of the graphics & worlds, & the mechanics of each, all wrt gender roles/norms i'm not kidding, lms if u want that post

[ghostlysingsong]

i ate a steak that was plated curled up in the shape of a rose and drank and reread a bunch of the letters in "tiny beautiful things" and now i feel like i can make it to tomorrow, esp since i promised myself i could use a kpin to sleep for my birthday it's getting warmer again so i should be a little more okay, and doing laundry won't be as hellish (i gotta go outside to get to the laundry room), and in two weeks i have an appointment with my good dr from the pain clinic so i can ask abt other sleeping med options from someone i trust idk just... the feeling of "winter coming too fast" combined w/everything was rly scary and made me feel trapped and i did not like it. eating something unnecessarily fancy made me feel kinda human again. so gonna try to get out of the apt a lot this week, not talk to the lady as much as possible (just bc she is a major part of my support network rn doesn't mean i need to let that continue to be true emotionally. fuck. fuck that kills me she's known me since we were 12 oh my god. but. fuck. anyway) gonna try to keep going even if i hate it love you all a lot

[ghostlysingsong]

breaking news: local dyke looks like jewish harry potter

[ghostlysingsong]

it's my birthday and i've been pretty heavily suicidal after a long period of dissociation (like, "actively considering the quickest/easiest method" suicidality, which i haven't had in. a long time) october has been hard for me for... awhile i guess, but it seems to get harder every year, facing my birthday (which i also hate more each year - not being older, just the day) - and halloween, which i love but it was my mom's favorite and no one says "it's okay to be without your family on halloween" like they do for other holidays - and now the lady's birthday & both our anniversaries to be sad on too idk. i'm going to shower again and put on a cute dress or something and go read and eat a steak at this new place down the block from me but if ppl want to send me Reasons They Like That I'm Alive that would be a pretty good and useful birthday present (and free, lol)

[ghostlysingsong]

so like. 10mg adderall yesterday morning left me lazy but productive enough; i managed to sleep w/o benzos after drinking a stupid amount 7.5mg adderall after waking before noon today left me exactly functional enough to distract myself w/o feeling too much of anything besides "cold" and "lazy"... still haven't done laundry... really really need to SOON... like... might try 12.5mg or just a straight 15mg tomorrow to get that done & also get enough things that i can have a pleasant birthday @ home alone on sunday if i truly don't wanna go anywhere like... i need to go buy smokes & maybe more booze & i'm still just waiting until it's dark so i don't have to feel weird about being unshowered/in sweatpants/etc and that is truly probably gonna be it for today :| i guess "depression" is the word for how i feel today, or maybe "empty"

[ghostlysingsong]

i'm stumbling drunk. how is this an approximation of sobriety for me. this is absurd and i know i'm not even 2wks off opiates so i probably shouldn't get Crazy but it nauseates me that this is just the first step, that i have so many more to take anyway bedtime again maybe ??? bye

[nevver]

[alxbngala]

Money Cats masterpost, to have your LIFE!! filled with money.

[blackfairypresident]

[ghostlysingsong]

i'm doing this incredibly cheesy rainbow angel jigsaw puzzle and drinking wine and having intrusive thoughts abt destroying my closest relationships ^_^ who wanna chat ^_^