destroying a world that doesnt exist spoilers. im using they/them for avery
that one moment wtih avery falling for whatevers in the book, while d3rlord passes by and just thinks "wow, gross". fucked me up so bad im ngl.
something repeated throughout the story, especailly avery's character arc, is that avery doesn't think they're that smart. they can't really solve puzzles the same way d3rlord can. avery berates themselves, discourages themself. apologizes not because they don't think d3rlord isn't worth saving; it's that they think they can't save d3rlord.
and if you've finished the video; yeah. they couldn't. but that doesn't mean that avery is stupid. and even if avery isn't as smart, even if avery goes about things more bluntly and simply. that doesn't mean avery isn't worthy of being saved. that doesn't mean avery wasn't fit for the job.
a lot of the times, the self-worth issues that avery has are taught, and not naturally obtained. they're ingrained to you from an early age. at home, at school, or at church. something that's supposed to be a safe space, rotting and festering on the inside. something supposed to boast your knowlege and keep you safe and sound; it's turned into a prison for yourself.
avery has two behaviors. there's distraction from the issue; cleaning the church grounds, planting and re-arranging the flowers. and then there are self harm behaviors. physically, by drowning themself until they're half-a-heart. and mentally, by re-reading the book with the redacted text.
its routine. its as if avery has done this before. this is right after a moment where avery mentions; "i've never felt like this before". if we just saw something avery has never felt before; true, abject terror. why are we seeing avery respond with nothing but "i'm sorry" in such a harmful, destructive trance?
the only thing that breaks avery out of the trance, out of a routine that seems so familiar, is words of kindness. of encouragement. not telling them something that isn't true; "you're safe here, you can stay here" that isn't about the enviroment "where strange moons circle the skies".
its that avery is special. it's that avery is real. yes, it tells them to remember who they are. but avery is told that out everyone, they're special. whatever in that book, that was redacted, said the contrary.
something that i haven't seen anyone note, is that d3rlord censored the "you're nothing" at the very beginning, and avery didn't. as if the worries didn't entirely leave avery's mind, and for d3rlord, there weren't any.
so its just like. whatever was in there was either personally tailored, or specific to avery. there was something so hard hitting in that book that avery went into that cycle. and to just. have the one thing that brought avery out of that spell being kindness? being reminded that someone values them?
god. wifies when i get you.
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