This Little Heart Of Mine

My intent is to share parts of my life in order to encourage and help others while hopefully bringing some laughter along the way.  

[gigismodernlife]

2023: Finally the End of the Covid Era; Surpassing the Aftermath

For me (and I’m sure many can relate) this year sure feels like reaching the end of a series of very overwhelming chapters in a book that put life into perspective but ultimately redeemed itself by giving the reader a glimpse of hope. I like the way Chad simplified it: “2020:covid 2021:covid 2022:covid ending 2023:covid aftermath, this year was weird, besides the Economy still sucking, 2024 should be a good year” The impact of the last four years was seriously hard on me, as it was for many others. After a lot of reflection, I can say that the best thing to come out of it for me was helping me open my eyes and see things clearly through my glass lenses lol. Some call it a Spiritual Awakening, an Epiphany, "finding yourself" or "Accepting God into your life" I've discovered that in its essence it is all very similar. To each their own, as long as whatever they believe in leads them to do good in the world. For me, I am mostly subscribing to Modern Christianity, the one that accepts all people, but I am also hungry for knowledge and still absorb other things too. Jay Shetty and Joe Dispenza have some great YouTube interviewers that people of my generation like. Anyway, the lyrics from Amazing Grace "I once, was lost, but now, i'm found, was blind, but now I see" have never rang more true. And, I cant forget to mention that I also met the true love of my life and got engaged. Look who's not dying alone after all lol! 

So, I had forgotten, but I wrote a Blog, I think it was at the end of 2020 called "Developing Depression During A Global Pandemic & Black Lives Matter Movement" I doubt anyone has ever read it but its there if anyone wants to read it. For those who arent familiar, depression can be situational or a chemical imbalance in the brain. Some people with depression experience it every few years, some completely overcome it, and others sadly never overcome it. Mine tends to be situational. Im assuming I get depressed because I am a highly sensitive, emotional and empathetic person. I realized all of this because I fell so deep into depression this last time that I became desperate enough to finally try medication, which I tend to avoid. It was a nightmare to say the least, I am personally better without medication, but I know it works for some people. The point is, I don't think I have a serious chemical imbalance, I just have trouble handling some hard situations that life has thrown at me, and based on my history, I have gotten much better at recognizing when I feel it and I can thankfully help myself out of it. This time though, I did'nt even remember how I had overcome depression in the past because from October of 2022 to about September of 2023 I was depressed AGAIN and much worse this time. If I would have gone back and read that blog I wrote, I really could have helped myself. I sincerely hate to say this, especially because I had already learned that money does not buy happiness, but the truth is, I messed up and I should've believed in myself more. My biggest fear was losing my income and having to go back home to San Diego after I worked so hard to branch out of there. I was so loyal to this job because I reached middle class financial independence working there but NONE OF THAT MATTERS! It's all a social construct. Middle class doesn't even mean much anymore these days, specifically in this economy (I'll write more about that another time). I should've quit my job so long ago, I tried, but the fear consumed me, as if it was worth the suffering, but it definitely was not. I mean, I ended up being affected by one of many mass lay offs across the country anyway, so I don't necessarily think I am a failure by any means, I learned a lot there, but it was definitely not the company for someone like me. That is life, and most people don't stick to one single job their entire life anymore. All of my worst fears ended up happening. I lost my job, I went back home to San Diego, which for me, holds some very bad memories. It didnt even end up being a bad thing, I ended up re-building my relationship with my family, I took a real estate course, I made memories with my nieces. It felt like God just helped me pick up my broken pieces and now I am whole again. I also set the right intention for my relationship and luckily now I have a Fiance and we are happier than ever in Oregon! I had been operating in constant fear and anxiety of becoming poor or homeless, I am so sorry to myself for doing that, I did not deserve that and neither did my cats. So basically, this year was about forgiving myself, TRULY forgiving myself. 

It's my first Christmas here in Oregon. Im sitting here in my pajamas, looking out the window at trees, surrounded by a cloudy sky, the temperature is in the high 40 degrees. I can't help but cry happy tears and reflect on life (I cry a lot, not just when I'm sad, but when im overwhelmingly happy too lol). My new boss called a few hours into the shift yesterday. No questions about performance, just a simple "Everyone go home! Spend Christmas Eve with your families" what a culture shock. At my old job, I hardly took days off. I asked to leave "on time" instead of staying later to make my flight to New Mexico at 8pm on Christmas Eve to be with family. I felt full of guilt and shame being asked about my performance, as if they needed to know whether or not I deserved to not stay later. I couldn't even enjoy it fully, because I was stressed that I did'nt do well enough. I am so glad those days are over. Today I really get to relax, and enjoy life. Everything is actually going to be okay.

What a whirl wind, this Covid Era was. The world was sick with Covid then the nice media outlets helped spread the encouragement of thanking your “Essential Workers” but really, a lot of the big companies approached it wrong and many of these workers mental health started to deteriorate from being overworked. Followed by consistent mass layoffs, even when profits were higher than usual. Then of course other media outlets spread nothing but fear. Oh! AND then we got frustrated because we got to see how other countries were smarter and more caring about the stimulus packages for their people. I realized that some other countries have a leadership team that relates more to their people and in tough times can show how they genuinely they care about their well being, rather than profit. (It's funny to me how this parallels my experience with Corporate America). I think many people realized that our country is not just physically sick, it's actually mentally struggling. Thank goodness for Millenials and Gen Z who started making mindfulness become what we call viral, or popular or "Woke". This is how many of us got back to religion, or even if they are not part of a religion, they still see things much more clearly and want to do better for themselves and make the world a better place. I still choose to believe that the majority of people are good, even though I've experienced some awful people in my lifetime.

For me, things are finally okay now, physically and emotionally. Im living a humble life, learning and growing and surrounded by much nicer people now, I mean this in the nicest way, but it feels almost shocking that here, people have morals, and they care about women being treated, "special" for lack of a better word. L.A. was definitely not my home and I hope it will never be again. Here, I see forests and mountains everywhere I look, I get greeted by cute squirrels outside all of the time, and lastly the rivers and lakes are beautiful. Even my cats are showing significant signs of healthier and happier lives. Im in the outskirts, but Downtown Portland is beautiful too. It is small compared to L.A. and San Diego, but exceptionally clean and pretty, friendliness is everywhere. The best part is that it has preserved some really nice historical buildings. It holds the largest book store in the world! It feels a little like a ghost town because the riots during the Black Lives Matter movement drove out a lot of businesses, therefore there are a lot of empty places, but none the less, it is a very nice experience to walk through it. Homelessness is also an issue here just like it is in California. The people out here though, the majority all seem so nice, it gives off a small town feel where everyone is just trying to live their best life and spread positive vibes. It's not about the car you drive, the way you dress, the neighborhood you live in, they just want to be good people, and honestly, they are some of the most good looking people I've come across. They're not rushing from place to place because "time is money" its just simple and chill. I haven't experienced the angry honking, or rude interactions I am used to. Im just minding my own business, smiling at everyone and taking it all in. I love it here.

I think I feel what a lot of immigrants feel when they first come to America, except I just didn't leave the country, I only migrated to another state. I feel like a kid experiencing life for the first time. The excitement, the knowledge I am consuming, the culture shocks in the most positive way. Im just open minded and learning and growing and appreciating every moment with my whole heart. It feels like God gave me a warm hug this year. He not only helped me out of depression, he helped me see that I have a bigger purpose, and helped me find a state that suits me and my personality better. Thank You infinitely to God and to Oregon for welcoming me.

[gigismodernlife]

“You have to have a Vision Board!” - Steve Harvey

[gigismodernlife]

Developing Depression During A Global Pandemic & Black Lives Matter Movement: My Testimony

By no means do I believe that my struggle is anywhere near the one of those who experienced losing their jobs or their loved ones. Nor can I even begin to imagine the type of pain going around right now of Racial Injustice or the psychological shock felt by those who morally serve as Law Enforcement in our Country. What I do know is suicide rates have gone up, and it seems like Millenials and Gen Z are spreading mental health awareness like never before, and many people are finding God, or religion in many new ways. Im writing this because if someone like myself, (one whom to the outside world, may seem to have it all; health, financial independence, career, pets etc.) can experience depression than anyone can. I don’t have a big audience, perhaps no audience at all, but if at least a single person struggling comes across this, then I hope it helps them realize they are not alone and they can surpass this.

So, here is a short background for people to understand where I'm coming from. My parents worked their way to America from Mexico. They birthed me and my brother in Los Angeles, then when I was 5 we moved to San Diego to be closer to my Grandpa after my Grandma passed. I grew up in San Diego in a humble place about 15 minutes from the city. I think it is mostly consisted of good people who just wanted better for their kids, but for multiple reasons, I was determined to branch out of that place and never look back, so I moved back to Los Angeles which held the happy memories of my childhood. Anyway, My family is very traditional and both of my parents come from a Catholic Background. I on the other hand, am not traditional or Catholic anymore, but I do very much still follow the moral clauses of modern christianity. Im a single woman in my late 20s, have no kids, and I am laser focused on advancing with the company I've stayed loyal to since my first year of college.  So... here it goes...

If at the beginning of the year someone had asked me how I describe myself the first thing I would’ve said was: “Im generally a sad and lonely person, I live alone and everyone I know lives at least an hour and a half away from me. Im basically the Disney character Eeyore. My entire life outside of my busy job is spent waiting. Waiting to either see or speak to the very few friends of mine, who for lack of a better word, tolerate me as a person. And when the time comes to finally see or speak to them, I get overly excited to hug them and stare at them and smile and take pictures for memories to look at when I am lonely again. The people I’ve met in L.A. would describe this part of me as annoying, I on the other hand think it's Genuine Love. I make absolute sure people know I have emotional support cats who happened to walk into my apartment and demand to live with me, but that’s a story for another time because everyone in L.A. is always in a rush and everything is more important than listening to my cat stories. The point is that I always thought I had an idea of what depression might be, having grown up with a clinically depressed mother but boy was I wrong. Without going into the science of the chemical imbalances of someone experiencing depression, I’ll just say that the thoughts and emotions are on an entirely different level, UNIMAGINABLE to someone who has never felt it. It is tough to say the least, but how unlucky that me and im sure many other people happen to experience at the same time as experiencing a Global Pandemic and Black Lives Matter Movement. If anything maybe this will just make us stronger. 

I was one of the lucky ones who did not lose my job and even more lucky to have the opportunity to work from the safety of my own home while the Real Heroes went to work each day risking exposure to the virus: The Medical Field Workers, Grocery/Pharmacy Workers, First Responders, Distribution Center Workers, Truck Drivers and all of the other truly essential workers who kept this country going. My job had to let go of over 50,000 employees, and the remainder of us felt the extreme pressure of sustaining the company, but imagine the overwhelming pressure the truly essential workers must’ve felt having to sustain the entire country while trying not to get infected? Some of these workers didn’t see their families for weeks in order to ensure their safety. I’ll go ahead and take this moment to express my respect and gratitude to each and every one of them. Thank You!

I would describe the following as phase one of my experience: Slowly losing my mind and my body. First was the feeling of gratitude to have a job but at the same time feeling the stress of sustaining a company. Now, i’m no stranger to hard work, or better yet, overworking myself like my Dad. Since getting promoted 3 years ago, I have gone through times where I worked 12-16 hours a day 7 days a week. Because of this I thought it would be easier to overwork myself if I was working from the comfort of my own home, I was wrong. I would wake up, sit in front of a computer screen 10 hours day, my job wasn't to help local L.A. people anymore, it was to virtually help customers from all over the country, and honestly,  a lot of people are just plain mean and don't see us as a human being. As a highly emotional person, my feelings were constantly hurt by customers. I was eating significantly more than usual, then sleeping a lot more than usual and doing it over and over again for months. It finally took a toll on mind and body… and my eyes for that matter, I wear glasses. Ironically, I produced some of the best work of my career during this time. I would tell myself “If nurses can take the physical and emotional toll of going out there to help save lives, then I can sit here and put in this work even if these clients are mean and yelling at me, just take it!” but eventually no matter how much I tried, I felt so drained. As a matter of fact it got so bad that I woke up one day (I live alone) and realized I had sleep walked into the kitchen and taken all of the knifes out and laid them on the counter! This is when I knew I was not ok. By this time I had already lost communication with friends and family, not because I wanted to, but because I felt I didn’t have anything good to say and I would hate myself if I complained while people were out there dying and doing jobs much harder than mine.

Now came phase two: Fear and Pain All Around. At this point my body and mind felt as though they were no longer mine, I felt like I was inside the mind and body of some complete stranger. Then I made the mistake of watching the news as things got worse, death tolls steadily rising every single day. Then to make matters worse I would take family calls, where their worries and fears scared me even more and they judged me a little because that’s what family does right? Lol. In the middle of all of this I wanted to attempt to make the most out of my upcoming 30th birthday so I blew up like 50 balloons in celebration to try to cheer myself up. I know it’s not a mid-life crisis at 30 but it sure felt like one. Thoughts such as “Why am I alone on my 30th birthday? Are my friends still my friends even if we don’t speak anymore? I was ‘supposed’ to be married with kids by now, what’s wrong with me? What if nobody ever loves me? Am I actually gonna die alone? What kind of life is this? Why did I work so hard for money when I should’ve worked towards friendships and relationships? Is it too late now? What am I going to do?” Then in the most dramatic fashion, (I wouldn’t expect anything less from my family), came a phone call. You would think by the crying on the other end of the line that someone was dead, but no, a family member might be infected with covid which would then put another person with heart and breathing problems in serious trouble if they contracted it too. Of all of the sad things I imagined in life, just the mere thought of one of my parents dying was something I was not prepared for at all. Thank God that they are okay. The fear and emotions of the possibility broke my heart, then for reasons I won’t mention, this was followed by losing complete contact with my family. So at this point not only was I losing my mind and body but the emotional toll of possibly losing my family was like a shock to what little system I had left. It became even harder to get out of bed. All of this while the Black Lives Matter Movement blew up and the added pain of loss and fear of looting began. As an empathetic person it is heartbreaking to know that racial injustice exists, but to see real video evidence of it occurring is beyond what any movie can depict. Not only was my life as a I knew it ending, but it felt like the whole country was ending. I didn’t work, eat, look at my phone or get out of bed for days. My stomach was so empty, my eyes ran out of tears but I was somehow still crying, I was hurting so much emotionally that it felt like my heart was in physical pain and I wanted to be able to physically throw up my heart so I didn’t have to feel it any longer. 

Then came the worst phase: I no longer wanted to be alive. I’d had suicidal thoughts in the past but they weren’t at all serious, but more so just me being dramatic in my own mind. This, this was real. I was so unconscious that I didn’t even recognize that my thoughts were not me. They were a result of everything collectively hitting me at once. These thoughts were absolutely cruel, brutal and had no mercy whatsoever. I felt as though I had nothing to live for, everywhere I look there is nothing but pain, I can’t contribute or make a difference, everyone would be happier if i’m gone, I am a worthless failure in every aspect of life, such a failure that nobody at all; friends, men and even family do not want me. “Just die you pathetic, worthless, loser.” At the time I was not religious or even spiritual, I guess I was Atheist. But,  I know there must have been something or someone looking over me and helping me, because I somehow got up, dragged myself to the kitchen and took the first sip of water i’d had in days. Then I realized I hadn’t fed my cats. They have this sweet way of wiping my tears by rubbing their bodies on my face every time I cry but I was so depressed that I hadn’t even remembered I had them. I felt awful and quickly fed them. And as I watched them eat I realized, they need me, they love me, I can’t die. I know that some people may really be alone and not have pets, or even if you are not alone, the people around you may not understand. In either case, just know that who you really have to keep going for is yourself and if you truly absolutely need someone to talk to you can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255, and my personal recommendation is go to church, Christians really have a way of helping you, Jesus is real I promise. I would give you my phone number to call, but apparently its not a good idea to post your phone number on the internet, so instead here is a quote by  Sylvester Mcnutt III from his book This is What Real Love Feels Like “Just know that we need you and the universe loves you.”

This was the first baby step to overcoming the thoughts going through my mind. It wasn’t easy, it was serious effort. I’d wipe my tears take sips off water and then cry all over again. Little by little I just forced myself to keep going. Each time the thoughts came back I would look at my cats and keep going. The first few days were the hardest, because id feel okay one moment then back to square one the next. You hear about famous people who seem to have it all but commit suicide. I thought “I don’t have anything so why shouldn’t I?” I felt as though the okay moments were temporary and the bad moments were  permanent, but you have to do as much as you can when the okay moments come. This is where the true work begins, just like with other decisions in life, you can weigh the pros and cons. In my case I thought “If I truly go through with this, then its a fact that I will never get to experience, happiness, true love, friendships, marriage and having my own baby and family. If I don’t do this, then at the very least I can try and there is the possibility that I can experience those things someday”  At this point I had recognized that as much as I wanted to stop the pain, the feeling of very much wanting to experience true love was much stronger than my feelings of suicide, therefore I couldn’t give up. The most important thing that you can do when you are going through this, as hard as it may seem, is to start super small, breathe, take a sip of water, look at your cats, or call the lifeline, whatever its gonna take. Just start small. Then when the okay moment comes, and believe it will, do the best you can to find something, anything, to keep pushing. Do it for your unknown future that for all we know might be an amazing one to live for!

I eventually started taking small steps toward developing a completely new daily routine drastically different from the one I’d had in the past few months of over-working, over-eating and over-sleeping. I started with a protein smoothie every single morning, and if I at least did that, it was a victory, and I kept adding small victories throughout the day. The best thing I did for myself was take a two week break from my phone and social media. Then when I got back to it I realized I was following all kinds of threads that were not contributing anything positive at all, in fact, a lot of them were sad quotes, or break up quotes or things that would just scare me, so I cleaned up my entire feed and now only follow Christian pages, positive encouraging pages. I strongly recommend following Jay Shetty. This was life changing. My phone was no longer a source of sadness, stress or fear, but instead a source of motivation and encouragement. Then I picked up a book, the first of many more I would later come to read; The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. This was probably my third or fourth time reading this book but this time I took a lot more from it than I ever had in the past. It inspired me to change my life for the better and it made me begin to believe in spirituality and eventually lead me to dive deeper into Christianity and other things too. It's not a book about religion but more so about the human spirit that lives in you, the very core of who you truly are, some would call it your Soul, or God. Eating healthy and reading about anything that would bring me closer to God became the first two things I focused on; Nourish your body and exercise your mind. Then came exercising my body. I’ve never been someone who avidly works out or goes to the gym, so instead I chose hiking as my exercise routine. I enjoy it because I feel “one with nature” as cheesy as that sounds, and the idea of pushing myself to reach a destination feels like a better accomplishment to me than how much weight I can lift. Things were not completely better just yet but slowly and surely the bad moments became more and more temporary. Another thing I started to do was pray and write my feelings in a journal, not daily, but when I felt I had something good to say or reflect on and then also when the bad moments would creep up again. Journaling helped me better understand that the moments would pass because the previous pages had both good and a bad feelings but the good feelings would soon surpass the bad ones. At this point I only listened to happy upbeat music, I didn’t watch tv any longer I just watched YouTube motivational videos, Les Brown’s Stop Negative Thinking is incredible! The best thing you can do when getting out of depression is to become conscious of your thoughts, realize they are not you and begin to control what you read, listen to and who you speak to. 

The last and final step is to reflect, truly reflect and begin to heal your mind and body, but most importantly: love yourself. Jay Shetty said once in an interview “That is what therapy or meditation really is, (it) is your ability to parent yourself and give yourself what you feel you need from others.”  From what I’ve been studying there are a significant amount of ways to do this, whether it be therapy, meditation, religion etc. What I know now and want you to know, is that there is an entire community of people who have struggled in this way and there are a significant amount of resources to help us change and become the best version of ourselves. Take control of your life, be being conscious of your thoughts, speak to yourself in the manner that you would someone you love and care for. Stop beating yourself up or searching for the outside world to change you inside, you don’t need it, you just need yourself. One of my favorite quotes from the movie Rocky is “It’s ain’t about how hard you hit, it’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward” Everyone suffers in one way or another, but you have to overcome it and prove to yourself how strong you are on your own, by yourself. No matter how low of a place you reach in life, just know it will make you that much stronger and better. Believe in yourself, I believe in you!