Itâs been 20 @#*&@#! Years!
Iâve worn the chains of anxiety for 20 years today. I had my first panic attack driving and passed out. It changed me forever! I couldnât drive for many months following and although I will go through periods of time that driving is not an issue it ALWAYS comes back. My husband just bought me a new car but many days I am too frightened to drive. It sucks! Iâve had lots of behavioral therapy to overcome the panic but I remain locked in its chains. I canât jump in the car and drive to see my family or friends. I am a prisoner to the panic.
   It was an ordinary but also an important evening.  My life was going to change that night but not in the way I had planned. I was a student at Auburn and recently engaged to the Pilot. While home visiting I went by a couples house that are like second parents. I to this day adore them and maybe if not for the chains of fear I might have made it back to my hometown and seen them. I will make and see them because it is people like them that make my world more special. So I was visiting on a hot summer evening and their son/stepson and I were always good friends. He actually was my first real date. I think I had a crush on him in some way from the time I was in the 4th grade. He is just a stand-up guy and we were talking about my recent engagement and I told him I really didnât want to be with the Pilot. I wanted to be single and live a college life at Auburn. I didnât know I didnât want to marry him until he asked me and then a month later I realized I was too young at 20 to be engaged and he was not the right person. The pilot was a great guy and we had a lot of great times but at 20 we both needed to be enjoying being college students and we're not ready to be engaged. So I broke down and told Z that I was going to drive to Auburn and break it off with him. Z was so comforting and it was being around him that evening that made me realize I was making a mistake being engaged and was with the wrong person for the wrong reasons. Before I left to go back to Auburn Z gave me the sweetest hug and kiss on the cheek. I knew in my heart I wanted more from him but he would never cross that line because that is the kind of outstanding character he has. I simply said Thank You for not letting me make a huge mistake. That sentence both meant cheating on my fiance and making me realize I needed to break things off with C. Â
   I was a little nerved up driving and had a lot on my mind of how I was going to explain that I didnât want to be Câs wife certainly not soon and maybe not ever. I loved C with every once of myself but we connected as friends first and didnât have the same husband and wife expectations or future life plans. So in Alexander City, I stopped and grabbed a Mt. Dew and some chocolate covered raisins and I guess on an empty stomach I had a blood sugar issue. I drove 16 miles from the gas station and felt myself fainting. I yelled out to God to help me! I was veering off the road and saw in the distance what I thought was a gas station. Somehow I made it across 280 and pulled into what was actually just a fill-up station for trucks. By divine intervention, there was a lady who was pulled over with a bad tire. I honked my horn and told her to please call 911 I didnât know what was wrong. I had a dead cell phone in my car but at that time didnât even charge it regularly??? After much back and forth I convince her to use the payphone that 911 is a free call. The ambulance came and took me to the ER. I was able to somehow make contact with C in Auburn (maybe I called from the hospital???) I guess they asked me my emergency contact. I only remember being so scared and still in and out of conscience and he came running in the ER wearing just his undershirt and thrown on khaki shorts. I was so happy to see him and that began a life of dependence on him and to say the least I didnât break up with him. I guess seeing his concern for me made me think we had more than we did. The rest was no kind of life afterward. I had to take my classes as part of distance learning because I would constantly feel like I was going to pass out again at the grocery store, school, everywhere! I couldnât drive or live. I became more depressed and as I once told my current husband I was âstowedâ up in my apartment with no life in Auburn. C became my caretaker. We both knew we didnât need to be together but honestly, my parents helped him a lot financially to get his additional flight certifications. Things were rocky and weird but that is an entirely different chapter and book. We remained engaged I returned to regular classes and of course two weeks before he graduated and didnât need my apartment or free ride sponsored by my parents he cheated and broke up with me. Â
   I donât know why I passed out that evening and have wondered so many times what would life have been if it didnât happen? Would I have professed my love for Z? He is a strong Bama fan so that probably wouldnât work:) I would have certainly had the most amazing in-laws and his little sister would be the dream SIL. I was even close to his grandparents so it probably would have all been too good to be true and honestly if it was a bad breakup maybe I would have lost my set of second parents. I havenât talked to him probably since that night. He married and has a beautiful life. Iâve asked God many times what was his purpose for that night and I am still fighting anxiety and living a different life than I hoped and planned. I really canât believe itâs been 20 years and I am still locked in those chains. Funny how one simple thing can change your entire life course. Â
