built on happenstance

hey i'm 21 this is my online journal ...don't be a dick

[girlheron]

I Thought That My Period Wasn’t Gonna Come This Month But Then I Got It On The Night Of April’s Full Moon

[girlheron]

04/01

[girlheron]

2:34AM 

[girlheron]

03/20/17 - Spring Equinox in That Very Place

I remember the time in the classroom courtyard... We were freshman in the fall of our first semester. It was so early in the seminar that the air was hot and sweet with latesummer. Jonnelle wore a sundress covered in sunflowers like she did at home. It suited her more than I’d ever seen a dress suit anyone, she looked just like one of them. At the time, she and I both had the long, tawny hair that we were known for in our fading rearviews. The sunshine brought the class outside through double-doors and into the bright green lawn - the same lawn that 2 years later, on the night of Prince’s death, I would stop to drunkenly urinate on during a dizzy walk back from the metro station. We circled in that lawn to talk about Foucault, something I was completely incapable of doing but excited to attempt. Upon sitting, Jonnelle in her sunflower dress leapt back in surprise. In the grass where she has just planted herself there was a soft imprint of her body and an agitated honeybee twisting in the green. A welt from the sting formed just above her hemline.

[girlheron]

everything i’ve ever written has been a letter

[girlheron]

Response to Andrew Hudgins’ “Praying Drunk”

The speaker of this poem is probably some greasy, cynical bar goblin who has until this point sustained himself on Jim Beam and Charles Bukowski. He probably gets laid two times a year but acts like his dick is made of diamonds. Probably the type to ask you to do anal so he can tell all of his friends he did and then never call you again. He clearly hates himself and has for so long that he is simply resigned to it at this point. 

There are also things I like about the speaker. He is introspective. Probably someone I would reluctantly develop feelings for only for them to be extinguished after he fucked one of my friends and subsequently ruined her life. 

[girlheron]

going to start posting what I write on here again even though I truly have Zero followers

[girlheron]

7/20/16

I drove back to my hometown early this morning. My older sister is getting married on Saturday. She’s picking up her dress from the store today, and really needed me to come with for some reason. I think she needs me to stand up for her and go head-to-head with the seamstress just in case she needs a last minute tailoring job. I’m not sure what she needs me for though, she’s definitely 100 times more terrifying than I’ll ever be.

I drank a bunch of wine last night and I got sad and sleepy. I went to bed before any major momentary meltdowns but I thought about ******* in a sad-lonely-girl type context for the first time in a little while. I haven’t really felt sad yet, but I was close last night. It’s just been a sense of resignation, or disappointment, or something like that. It’s just this sense of giving up, finally, after a long, long time of fighting.

What makes me so angry I think is that no matter how difficult he made things for us I pushed though. I wasn’t going to give up on him, I didn’t want to because that’s what love is about, it’s about being patient with one another through times of emotional turmoil or whatever. It’s about sacrifice or compromise or some stupid shit like that and I was all about it. I suffered for him for 6 months, feeling him change his mind and then change it back again over and over again. And what did he do? He gave it all up, after making me crawl on my hands and knees after him for 6 fucking months! And he did it with an instant message on Facebook! It’s incredibly anti-climactic. A very mundane end to the worlds most unimpressive love story.

Nonetheless, I’m not drunk off wine and half asleep on my couch anymore, so I’m feeling back on top of things. I’m sitting in the sun in my front lawn, and I just ate some seaweed! Life is beautiful and sweet, my sister is getting married to the man she loves, my mom is very much in love with someone who treats her well… It’s all gorgeous. It’s always been reversed. I have essentially been in a relationship since I was 12 years old, and now when I’m single, truly single, honestly single, they have found some sort of stable happiness, and so have I. I think that being by myself is going to be one of the greatest things I’ve ever done. I feel like it’s going to completely revolutionize my life in a similar way to when I started applying myself in school.

It’s important to have some guidelines, right? I know that I’m comfortable with dating. Not dating exclusively, but if a boy or whatever asks me to go out with him to go do something fun I’m going to say yes if I want to. I’m not going to go past kissing with anyone. I thought maybe it would be ok to fool around and do other stuff but I don’t think that will be beneficial to me at this time in my life. I want to keep my true uninhibited sexual energy reserved for someone who really deserves it, someone who I truly want to give it to. I feel like sex has become so meaningless to me. There have been occasions where it actually feels special or whatever, but for the most part it’s almost felt obligatory, like I was rewarding my partner for good behavior (disgusting), or like I needed it to feel valued by them. I need to redefine it for myself. I need it to carry different meaning. I want to feel like a goddess the next time I fuck somebody. I want them to wait for it and I want them to love me like crazy before they ever get to touch me. And I want to love them just as much.

I just got back from having dinner at the H household. It was so wonderful, it always makes me feel so gently reaffirmed in myself to participate in conversations with them. They are both such intelligent, motivated, conscious people. It makes me feel so good to be at ease in a conversational atmosphere with them. I feel so much more defined by my intelligence than I ever have in the past. I think that in another circumstance that could be a bad thing, but it’s been very positive, especially now that I’m paying attention to it. I remember in my first two years of high school, I really didn’t ever think of myself as a smart girl. I felt defined by my physical beauty. My high school history teacher encouraged me to switch into the Advanced Placement class and it was like the whole world bloomed in front of me. I think that I was just completely bored by school up until that moment. I wasn’t ever being challenged, so I never even knew what it meant to apply myself. APUSH really helped fix that for me. I actually had to take notes and study for the first time in my academic career, and I loved it. I did so well in that class that I knew the lecture/note taking collegiate atmosphere was really going to work for me. Still though, I didn’t think of myself as smart. Curious, maybe, but not smart. I’ve realized since going to college that I really am an intelligent and capable human being. It feels so good to finally be able to say that about myself.

[girlheron]

7/19/16

Last night Jo and I sat in the courtyard talking until Midnight. We started out on our more typical tangents, expressing gratitude for our friends, and our circumstance, and one another. We do this a lot, generally gushing about the profoundness of the happenstance that brought us together. I think that it is the strongest part of my spirituality.

A friend of mine once traded me a handful of beach glass for an American Spirit cigarette, and we stood together outside smoking in the summer air. He had just returned from China, and I asked him if he liked being there. He didn’t say so much about the trip itself, which I’ve noticed to be common when you ask someone about a long travel excursion. He, like most others, commented on the feelings rather than the experiences. How he felt, what it was like to be back, I guess it’s true that no matter where you go, there you are. I digress. He told me that he doesn’t believe in coincidence. I’ve been thinking about that ever since, and it’s changed my life. I think that it’s definitely something that I knew already but hadn’t yet articulated. The happenstance that has acted upon my life has always made me feel small and protected. This is something that Jo and I have been paying much more conscious attention to.

[girlheron]

7/18/16

I’m listening to Bon Iver, trying hard not to let it make me cry. I’ve heard that there is no way to truly remember pain. If we could remember it, there would be no end. We’d constantly live in agony, remembering all of the pain that we’ve experienced and reliving it endlessly. What about emotional pain? Maybe the fatal flaw in our hearts/minds/however you choose to call it is that we can in fact remember emotional pain. We can call on it whenever we choose, seeking it where it hides; in-between the pages of some old notebook or in a song that used to get you through the night.

I’m sitting here listening to the artist who carried me through my maiden bout of depression, and it sounds exactly like that special kind of hurt that can only be experienced by a 14 year old girl. The kind that almost comes without bias, without barrier. The pain I felt before I tried to stop feeling pain. It sounds just like me, the very core of me, the tiny blue girl at the center of me. The tiny blue girl who has been buried and excavated again and again throughout the course of my adolescence.

[girlheron]

7/17/16

Yesterday I spent the evening with my first love. He asked me several days ago if I had any Saturday night plans, which of course, I didn’t. Although I always find myself preoccupied with the company of friends, I never really make plans. Things appear in front of my day and I engage. So no, I didn’t have Saturday night plans, I had been relying on one of my friends to text me some noncommittal proposal to go and drink somewhere, likely in the livingroom of my apartment.